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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  January 16, 2015 1:01am-1:32am PST

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ve a twinkie get real good at math, because life is not gonna be easy for you. i'm sorry if this is your wake-up call but being an ugly woman is like being a man. you're gonna have to work. yep. thank you very much, you guys. thank you. thanks for coming out. [cheers and applause] from comedy central's world view's headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart! (cheers and applause)
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captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ >> jon: welcome to the daily show. i'm jon stewart. my guest tonight, sienna miller. but first i want to show you guys something -- boom! (laughter) i don't know if you know this -- (cheers and applause) you may not realize this, i collect wrists! (laughter) i'm a wristologist! (laughter) i have been doing this show, now, 93 years. never met a dude wearing bunch of watches who says to me, i just asked you because i'm a horologist. come visit us tickets are free. (laughter) let's get into the program.
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there are certain things that are forever. diamonds. batman. and, at this point, the debate over the keystone xl pipeline. >> for six years, the debate over the keystone xl pipeline has dominated beltway politics. >> if it's ever built, it will carry tar extracted from alberta canada some 1,700 miles to nebraska, but it has been stalled for six years at the canadian border awaiting the president's approval. >> jon: oh! poor lonely pipeline! i don't know why this doesn't go around america this way and just sneak in from the mexican side. apparently, we don't even control that area! (laughter) this is a contention issue. i imagine the new congress will want to put the issue on ice and start small with other less divisive legislation. >> first item up in the new senate will be the keystone xl pipeline. >> i can confirm for you that if this bill passes this congress
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the president wouldn't sign it. >> jon: gonna be a fun two years! (laughter) well, first thing we're gonna do is poke you in the chest! well, i can assure you the president will break his (bleep) fingers. (laughter) here we go. impasse. keystone pipeline, lasting over half a decade! for something to get this contentious to last this long, it has to be special. i assume the first of its kind. >> canada already has at least four major pipelines from alberta, delivering crude to u.s. markets. that, of course, does not include a slew of secondary pipelines that cross the border into states like montana, wyoming and colorado. (laughter) >> jon: i never realized america looked so much like my aunt's legs. (laughter) it isn't that old of a leg, is it? that looks more like a tattoo than varicose veins. (laughter)
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so the fact keystone is a pipeline can't be why this issue is so contentious. (laughter) (applause) >> jon: before i talk to the horologist someone in the audience a cross between sean penn and bradley cooper slapped my face because of something i didn't realize because i'd only been here 17 years and i did it just now and they respond bid laughing at me. (cheers and applause) here's my problem -- i don't actually watch the show, so i don't know. >> so the fact that keystone is a pipe can't be the issue... i know, it's because keystone would be the first to transport canadian tar sands, the filthiest of the oils! >> jon: the recent one called the alberta clipper that takes a huge volume of oil
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sands oil down to chicago refineries. >> jon: setting aside that you named a pipeline after something that ruins things why does this become a battle ground? >> it's going to be a political issue in 2011. >> environmentalists adopted keystone. >> they've don a lot of work to elevate it as a symbol. >> we will not let you build-this-pipe-line!" >> you know, you don't have to go with the "first" chant you think of. (stilted chant) "we do not sup-port the key-stone x-l pipe-line. (laughter) be-cause it is ve-ry bad for the en vi. ron. ment! (deep breath) (laughter) and it will not cre-ate the jobs
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that back-ers claim it will... (laughter) so some environmental activists got involved. what can they do? turns out, quite a bit. before their involvement a tar sand pipeline project like the alberta clipper sailed through congress and the state department like alberta clippers with no congressional debate, but now that environmentalists called attention to it, both sides must dig in with their most persuasive rhetoric. first the right. >> when we talk about building the infrastructure that we need, >> think about how important that is for the security of our country. >> energy independence provides economy security from the threat of terrorism by organizations that pose imminent threats to our nation like isil. >> jon: if we don't build this pipeline, the terrorists win. (laughter) >> jon: but if we do -- democrats.
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>> i think xl stands for extra lethal. black clouds have contaminated our children. >> jon: our children! look at our children! this is what pipelines have done to them! they're so contaminated! we should seal them up in a drum and bury them under nevada! start on some new kids. adding the keystone would be like farting inside a manure factory. but if you can tap into our reserves, you can take a fight that should have last just one day and miraculously make it last eight -- teen hundred! >> bints over 2300 days since trans-canada filed its permit
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application. >> almost as much time as it took us to build the trans-continental railroad. >> longer than it took lewis and clark to explore the louisiana purchase. >> long than it took for the united states to win world war ii! >> longer than the amount of time during his presidency that william howard taft was stuck in a bathtub! (laughter) they couldn't get him out so, after a while, they just drew leg holes in it and let him walk around like that! this is what victory sometimes looks like in a democratic system. maybe you can't stop our country's thirst for the anal of oils, but at least now we'll be encouraged to bring that oil in some safer way. >> whether or not the northern leg of the keystone pipeline gets approval from washington, the industry says oil will get where it needs to go. >> oil companies have turned to trains barges and trucks to
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feet their goods to market often with tragic consequences. >> most experts say transporting oil by pipeline is far safer than by rail or barge. >> jon: trains! and barges! we'll be right back. damn you! (cheers and applause) how it feels to chew 5 gum.
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(laughter) the right to an attorney is enshrined in our constitution -- which means you know it's gotta be good. but one state is taking it in an interesting direction, as jessica williams reports. >> reporter: america's justice system isn't always perfect and constitutional liberty like the right to a lawyer often fall through the cracks, but con state is tackling the problem head on, alabama civil rights attorney julian mcphillips. >> everyone deserves the right to a fair trial. >> exactly. what whether they get it is a whole another thing. >> in july alabama passed h.b.494 to level the playing field. >> h.b.494 sets aside money for an attorney appointed by the law to protect the person on whose benefit they're appointed.
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>> when have they become a bastion of civil rights. >> much more than they realized. really? i thought your state bird looked like the electric chair. (laughter) the alabama aclu filed lawsuit. >> this law is about politicians and abortion politics. >> whoa! who said anything about a bobos. >> we don't call it a bobos down here. >> then she told me who the law really defends. >> the bill defends our state funds for lawyers to represent fetuses. >> excuse me. a judge appoints an attorney for the fetus. >> but -- in the state of alabama, a teen needs parental consent to get an abortion. if she can't get that consent, she can go to the court. now, with this new law the court can appoint an attorney for the fetus and actually put
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the teen on trial. >> oh! so mcphillips is fighting for the rights of the not yet born! you get a call from a fetus that needs legal representation, what happens? >> i cannot get a call from the fetus for anything much less legal representation. >> so how do you maintain confidentiality. >> if you have an unborn child in somebody else's womb i can't communicate with them directly. >> you have a crazy-ass job sir. i don't know what's in the recommend eerlium of pockets but i have a lot of questions. how do you know if the fetus is innocent. >> i think it's a safe assumption that most if not all fetuses are incept. >> what about a fetus that eats his own twin in utero. >> that would never happen. a fetus can eat its own twin in utero. if that's not evil --
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>> you're being ash surd. maybe i was. after all, alabama's legal system clearly has the interest of the minor at heart. just listen. >> the fetus attorney can call in witnesses like the boyfriend, the boyfriend's mother, the employer, the basketball coach, her pastor. anyone they want to testify against her. and then in the end if the teen is allowed to access an abortion the fetus lawyer can appeal and run up the clock and if they've do that, we've got a parent. >> oh, (bleep), that's how babies are made in alabama. and mcphillips is sure that these court proceedings are carried out with the utmost sensitivity. >> i speak for the unborn child's mother. i may show her figurines even of how far along her baby would look like. >> oh! what is that? >> this is a human life.
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oh thank goodness. this is what the unborn child looks like at 12 weeks. >> cute. i'm glad you think it's cute. also think an ail yeb is cute. safe to say alabama is dmoitd protecting the unborn no near matter what the cost. >> the state of alabama is broke. we don't have a statewide public defender system and to take money away from that, away from the needs of people trying to navigate that system to represent fetuses is insulting. it's particularly insulting to women. >> so there are people out there who really need help. >> there are a lot of people in alabama that need a good attorney that can't afford one. >> hmm. i know somebody who can help. this is a fetus 220 months gestation, life is cut short because he doesn't have access to a fair trial. >> no grown man is a fetus. he has a heart beat!
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he can feel pain! >> well, he's not a fetus. there you have it. if you can't afford an attorney, alabama has got your pack until the day you're born. only pizza hut's new menu finally gives crust the flavor it so rightfully deserves. get any one of ten new crust flavors for free. like, toasted asiago. salted pretzel. or honey sriracha. for a limited time carry out a large two topping for 7.99. only at pizza hut.
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: my guest tonight has a new movie out called "american sniper." >> tell me why you do it. i want to understand.
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>> i do it for you. you know that, i do it to protect you. >> no, you don't. yes, i do. i'm here, your family is here, your children have no father. >> i'm allowed to serve my country. >> you don't know when to quit. you did your part. we sacrificed enough. you let somebody else go. >> let somebody else go? yes. no way. >> you find a way. you have to. okay. i need you to be human again. >> jon: welcome back to the program, sienna miller! (cheers and applause) sienna miller is here! (cheers and applause) this is a little bit of an oscar nominated film. very nice.
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>> thank you. >> jon: wait a minute. your acting is completely different than here. >> it's called acting! >> jon: acting! i love it! >> yes! >> jon: how well do you know bradley cooper? >> really, really well. >> jon: you've known him a long time? >> i was with him a long time and did another movie set after. i've worked with bradley for a long time. >> jon: so if bradley cooper was here, would you spot him? >> yeah, in a heart beat. >> jon: how about a guy who doesn't really look lining like him? where are you, dude? can we get his face on there? >> yeah. (laughter) >> jon: all right, sit down. it's like a sean penn. >> jon: yes! bradley cooper and sean penn (bleep). >> sean cooper. >> jon: i thought more of a sean cooper. >> you're right. >> jon: you don't need this
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anymore. >> okay. >> jon: the audience is fired bradley cooper is here to watch! i don't think he's sitting in the third row. >> he's on broadway. >> jon: he is going to broadway. >> he's on it now. >> jon: you're going to broadway. >> i'm going to broadway on february 17th. >> jon: you're working so hard but here's what's particularly difficult about this movie. so the gentleman in the film it's about has passed away tragically. >> yes. >> jon: but his wife is alive. yes. >> jon: and now you're making a film about her husband. and how do you navigate that? because there's going to be the want to lionize a person, but you want to make it more humenan the story. how do you do that? >> in terms of me playing her? >> jon: yes. i try to be truthful to the moment.
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of course, it's a film and ultimately about bradley who is amazing. >> jon: i thought you were. oh well... >> jon: yeah. he's incredible. basically, i could talk to her. she was on hand to help me through it. >> jon: right. and a few things become an amalgamation of what was once several events. >> jon: was it cathartic for her? did she think, i'm getting out of here? i can't watch? >> she didn't come on set. she's very much, i have a nasty storm. chris is being sued that's going on, then the trial of the murder is happening in february. there's all this plus a movie. >> jon: is she on the hook for that? you wrote a book about jesse ventura? >> he apparently is suing. an ongoing nightmare.
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but her film is amazing, her husband. they were very close and to have this celebration of her husband's life is a beautiful thing. >> jon: she deserves peace if anybody does. hopefully by this time next year all this is behind her and she's moving forward. you have the broadway thing coming up. what are you doing next with bradley cooper? >> the next is with adam jones. it's a very surreal profession. makes you a little kooky. >> jon: is it weird to do a movie and not know the name? >> yes. it's the untitled john wells project at the moment. i think it will be called adam eventually. >> jon: i did a movie. which i haven't seen. >> jon: you're not alone. (laughter) but it was originally called
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transformers 4. >> really? >> jon: yeah. our good friend steve carell, nominated for an oscar. very excited. >> such a genius is miller. >> jon: eva in selma, she should have gotten nominated. >> it's funny how you can be nominated for best director and not best picture. >> jon: it says you directed the hell out of this (bleep) movie. >> yeah. >> jon: honestly, there's just not enough to go around. >> yeah. >> jon: what a lovely man. yeah. >> jon: can i say something about him? >> yeah. >> jon: a tremendous hugger. he's a big hugger! and he feels so good! >> jon: like a bear. like a bear man! he gives you a lot of love. >> jon: a lot of love, yes! yes! >> jon: cooper, hugs? yes, big time!
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>> jon: i never got up with of those. >> what! >> bennett is a hugger. >> jon: he's not either. he's a squeezer. >> jon: other people are. other people are. (laughter) i don't know what the hell we're talking about. >> nor do i. >> jon: "american sniper" will be in the theaters everywhere. >> everywhere. >> jon: not just in america. around the country. >> around the country! >> jon: yeah, around the world! >> actually around the world. >> jon: and in the whole universe. >> yes. >> jon: always nice to see you. >> thanks. >> jon: sienna miller! (cheers and applause)
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chevy colorado. when you find new roads, you win motor trend's truck of the year. ♪ ♪you better pledge your allegiance♪ ♪you're not the only one♪ ♪listen up forefathers♪ ♪let them have some fun♪ ♪some fun♪ ♪some fun.♪ ♪ [holiday music] ♪ it's been said that we are all unique little snowflakes. miller lite just happens to be a less-filling unique little snowflake, brewed to have more color
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and taste. you be the snowflake you are and we'll be the snowflake we are. happy new year. it's miller time. >> jon: that's our show! remember, monday, the nightly show with larry willmore comes on the air. check it out. your home of zen. >> kind of looks like what the earth looks like when you're a zillion miles away from the planet moon. >> yes, from the planet moon. is it a moon or a star? captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh it's 11:29 and 59 second, this happened on twitter today, my fellow americans these are stressful times for the old us of a. you are government faces untold threats forenand domestic and the need for certifiable intelligence


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