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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  January 29, 2015 12:01am-12:32am PST

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t. (laughter) okay, now i just kept it 100. okay now with the super bowl coming up, we're going to talk about sports and the culture of lying okay. so tweet your questions with the hashtag keep it 100. until then good nightly everybody. (cheers and applause) >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. yesterday director paul feig buried the needle on the internet's p.k.e. meter with this tweet announcing the casting for sony's new "ghostbusters" movie, and it's true, your honor-- this cast has no dick. and i say ( bleep ) yes! and let me tell you why this is awesome. kristen wiig, amazing in everything, melissa mccarthy,
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hilarious in everything. kate mckinnon, phenomenal. leslie jones-- not only is leslie great on s.n.l. but she just got cast in her first hollywood blockbuster at the age of 47 and it is inspiring. what is not to love, right? what is not to love. well the hoboken machine known as the internet, turned to social media to express its anger. let's take a look. first tweet, the "ghostbusters" being all female makes no sense. the original movie had all guys, keep it that way. no, what makes no sense is a dude who calls himself carly ray jeopsen. that makes no sense. that's called not making sense. i may not be a scientist. i'm more like a game show host but fooim also a fan. i love "ghostbusters." i saw this 10 times in the theater when it came out alone,
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and pretty much quoted start to finish whenever i feel like it-- this is exciting news. this is an extension of the ymps they love so much is a kid being made by a brilliant comedy writer-director. it is not a total protonic reversal. and proving twitter is just river of hate slaim. a "ghostbusters" remake? no, just no. another childhood memory ruined. it's not a memory's work. you love the original movie, you're still allowed to love it. the only way something from my childhood could be ruined and make me hate it is if, say, i found out i drug aid bunch of people and had sex with them and somehow continued to do stand-up outside of prison. that's the only way. ( cheers and applause ) is it possible maybe the new film cannot affect you in the same way because the old ones you saw when you were 11 years old, and you're not 11 years old anymore.
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so stop ( bleep ) acting like you're 11 years old and get with the times and embrace this brave new world where women wear jump suits. i would like you to do what i'm going to do-- buy your movie ticket, sit through a comedy blockbuster with cool ( bleep ) in it, and come out and say we came, we sawrk we kicked its ass. we all know "ghostbusters" is one of the most quotable movies of all time but i think we're going to need some updated cash phrase. moshe kasher, go. >> i'm really nervous about this after that big speech. ( laughter ) i'm going to need the audience to participate with just a clap. ♪ who you gonna call? your husband ♪
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>> chris: this is why we can't have nice things. michelle wolf. >> ♪ who you gonna call and leave a long voice mail because she doesn't answer when you call, and he doesn't answer when you call. >> chris: nikki glaser, go. >> i ain't afraid of no ghost, but can ghosts get you pregnant. >> i love this town! captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are moshe kasher. writer performer from late night with seth myers, michelle wolf is here. ( applause ) performing at the comic center
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in edmonton alberta, february 5-8, nikki glaser. ( cheers and applause ) you're going to edmonton in february? do you want to die? >> ripped from today's internet headlines it's "rapid refresh." >> you know why i'm here. >> you all know why i'm here. >> the long-await the sequel to super bowl media day. >> i'm just here so i don't get fined. i'm here so i don't get fined.
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>> chris: yeah. he seems great. by the way, he said, "i'm just here so i don't get fined" 29 times. yes, that's why everybody does stuff at their job so they don't get fined. it's normal you're treating your gig at the nfl like the movie requested office space" did it occur to you that maybe interviewing an ornery muppet lil' jon isn't their favorite part job, either. comedians as entertainers sometimes you have to answer questions you don't want to. let's be honest, give me the real reason you're here tonight, moshe. >> two words, nerd ( bleep ). ( cheers and applause ) >> oh, boy, i am as dry as a desert. >> chris: i like how you turned live long and prosper into the
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( bleep ) thing. it would be very logical for to you orgasm right now. >> chris: michelle. >> i'm here to make some money to get a procedure done to take care of a problem. >> chris: what do you-- what's the-- what are you indicating? >> like to-- to-- you know get a baby gone. >> chris: okay, fine. that's the end of "rapid refresh." it's now time for tonight's "#hashtagwars." the iowa freedom summit was held last week in a last ditch effort to, i guess, free iowa? former arkansas governor mike huckabee made an aference to promote new book "god, guns, grits and gravy." he chose that title because "beer, fireworks, bacon and toby
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keith's bayonet" was too subtle and is already the name of a bait shop in booger creek, kentucky. so in honor of that rather on-the-nose book title, tonight's hashtag is #redneckabook. ( cheers and applause ) i'm from tennessee. i'm not just making fun of south. just a specific sect of humans in the south. examples might ebe: gone with the tornado. prejudice & prejudice. and the girl with the corn dog tattoo. moshe. >> eat, fray, lynch. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: michelle. >> i wish we could still call them "the help." >> chris: points, points. nikki. >> the diary of ann coulter. >> chris: points. moshe. >> the bible. >> chris: points.
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nikki. >> git or gone girl. >> chris: nikki? >> the baltimore stars that have only been around for 5,000 years. >> chris: points. michelle. >> the joy of sex with your immediate family. >> chris: points. nikki. >> watch watch fell house five. >> poor dad, even poorer dad. >> the old man and the see do. >> harry potter and the half blood related wife? >> gl points. nikki one more. >> curious uncle gorge. >> chris: that's the end of "#hashtagwars." send us your #redneckabook and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. send us your #redneckabook and
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your phone makes a magnificent coaster. so put it down... and pay attention to the people you're with. because the universe is sending you the most magnificent text of all. a drink.
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♪ carpenters: "rainy days and mondays" ♪ ♪ ♪ ac/dc: "back in black" ♪ ♪ chevy colorado. when you find new roads, you win motor trend's truck of the year. huh, fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. yeah, everybody knows that. well, did you know that playing cards with kenny rogers gets old pretty fast? ♪ you got to know when to hold'em. ♪ ♪ know when to fold 'em. ♪
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♪ know when to walk away. ♪ ♪ know when to run. ♪ ♪ you never count your money, ♪ ♪ when you're sitting at the ta...♪ what? you get it? i get the gist yeah. geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. hey, i'm adam, and i beta tested the samsung curved ultra hdtv. on a regular hdtv, you've got 2 million pixels. on an ultra hdtv, you've got 8 million pixels. so that's 4x's the detail.
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i am a total techno geek. i just love this stuff. and i think curved tvs were made for football. whether you're right in front or off to the side with the curved design, every seat is a good seat. my team's 0 and 9 this season, but on this tv they look great. get the samsung 55 inch ultra hdtv for 1499.99. expert service. uobeatable price. best buy. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." go to funcomfortabletour.com to get tickets and info. it's now time to play-- i am
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going to read a pair of events and you have to guess which one we made up and which one was an actual event from eventbright.com. couple's counseling, how you can live in harmony or aroma therapy for dogs and cats. >> i'm going to say aroma therapy for dogs and cats. glt answer is aroma therapy for dogs and cats. >> is it consensual? >> what kind of aroma therapy are you about to engage in? >> chris: so if your pet has seizures, don't take it to a vet. just rub its belly with some sage. naked girls reading fantasies and fairy tails. or naked brunch: bottomless mimosas and pantsless bottoms.
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nikki? >> naked brunch. >> chris: no, naked girls reading. >> why? why? why? i hate reading. >> i didn't think girls could read. >> chris: the book is telling me no, but the body-- ( laughter ) next one: motorcycle repair and single lesbians meet up or gay chubs and chaseerce bbm speed dating. michelle? >> motorcycle. >> chris: well the answer is actually gay chub chasers and bbm speedway. you want to see a bear ( bleep )? >> it's an otter. >> chris: is that an otter. >> gay code for a small, sort of slender, somewhat hairy young man. >> chris: oh. >> i like the most frequently
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asked question here is what is speed dating? >> chris: yeah-- >> okay i'm fine with the bear pinning an otter down and ( bleep ) and ( bleep ). but what is speed dating? i have no idea-- >> speed dating? >> chris: what the concept of that might be. ( bleep ). wait a minute, does that mean-- does that mean-- i think-- is that when we take a bunch of meth and go to disneyland together? >> in that community that's exactly what it means. methtacular or crankfest '15. moash. >> crankfest 15. >> chris: the correct answer is methtacular. >> that's what i want understand it to be. >> me, too. sold out. >> chris: yup, totally sold out. i'm just-- i'm just glad that meth has a music supervisor.
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just engine that show normally at a theater there's popcorn, just teeth. ( cheers and applause ) >> and one guy on stage going "jesse!" "mr. white!" "all right, bitch!" >> chris: still got a thing gog here. >> yeah. >> yeah. i was too emphatic about that. >> chris: last one. sex and carbohydrates: intuitive eating practicum and bible study for women, or sex, chocolate and your pelvic floor. michelle. >> sex and carbohydrates? >> chris: the correct answer is both of them! ( cheers and applause ) that's the end of "event or invented."
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it's time for our live challenge, h2omg. the website for l.a. restaurant patina is announcing a new program called "water 101." for just $50, you can learn to train your palate to really appreciate the differences in various vintages of water. frankly, i am disappointed it's in l.a. come on portland. you were asleep at the pretentious ( bleep ) wheel again. during the break, comedians, i want you to write a in-depth review of a fine class of h20-- this makes me so mad. >> look at his dumb face. >> i said water! water! ( applause ) all water is different. some water comes in dark-blue bottles. some water looks german.
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some-- i have crashed this empty restaurant to lay out this supply of bottles i have been collecting since my wife left. >> chris: we're going to get your answers after the break. we'll be right back with more @midnight. sorry. your morning could use a hand. taco bell's steak and egg a.m. crunchwrap with a hash brown inside. a whole breakfast in one hand.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break i showed you this. look at all these waters! it's a fancy restaurant class designed to teach you to appreciate water. i mean, we should appreciate it as the fact that we are primarily made up of it. ( laughter ) but this is strange. i asked you to write your h20 review. let's see what you guys came up
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with. moshe kasher, let's begin with you. ( laughter ). >> after one fifth, my mouth wasn't the only thing that was wet. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: michelle. >> this water tastes like... nothing. ( laughter ) it reminds me of my cold, nothing marriage. >> chris: all right. ( applause ) nikki glaser. >> this water has the notes of hydrogen and i'm even detecting a little oxygen as well. mr. cosby-- i think that -- >> bravo. 1,000 to nikki, 250 to michelle as we go to our next game worst jobs in america.
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the annual list of the 25 best jobs in america for 2015 was published today by employment review site glassdoor. glassdoor is beloved by job seekers and hated by careless birds traveling at top speed. at the top off the list are physician assistant and software engineer. what i want to know are the 25 worst jobs. comedians i will give you a little time and you give the the worst jobs. michelle. >> the guy under my podium right now. >> chris: points. nikki glaser. >> gathering of the juggalo's bathroom attendant. >> chris: moshe. >> worst outside job is definitely a roof nert summer. worst inside job, 9/11. >> chris: points, points.
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>> sky mall cop. ( laughter ). >> chris: points points. michelle. >> the guy that had to taste the first couple tries of bill gates' poop water. >> chris: points, points. moshe. >> iggy azalea black cents coach. >> chris: nikki. >> a mom. >> chris: points. >> that's not a job! that's it. that's the end of "worst jobs in america." michelle wolf, i am so sorry are you in third place and we have to abort you from the show. red light! please tell seth i love him. that means it's time to debustle
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your petticoat. it's "for the win"! are you doing old-time boxing match. neat-o-rama turned us on to a manual for single women printed in 1880 titled "how to get a husband." in it, they include a form letter that eligible ladies can send to prospective suitors. here's a particularly steamy message: "i find your name among the list of marriageable gentleman and as it vouches for your respectability, i have taken the liberty of addressing you. i am of fair complexion, eyes and hair dark, and am generally called good looking." damn gurl, that is "downton naaaaaaasty"! in the style of this gilded age of tinder, i would like you to pen a late-night missive that is sure to get your partner all hot under the bonnet. we will have the comes'
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♪ coochie, coochi, coo! he so has your peanut butter. well, he's got your jelly. time for a feeding. no!!! ah jam it! crazy good! ♪and do you take this man♪ ♪to be your lawfully wedded husband?♪ ♪to have and to hold.♪ ♪for better or worse,♪ ♪in sickness and in health.♪ ♪ i can't!♪ ♪what?♪ ♪lisa!♪ ♪wait!♪ ♪ ♪ahh god!♪ ♪ ♪taxes are your year,♪ ♪only much simpler.♪ ♪you can handle simpler.♪ ♪intuit turbotax.♪ ♪it's amazing what you're capable of.♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe wipe, wipe. when you order me to do it, it is weird. >> wipe it! >> chris: okay. i will read the answers. you guys will decide who shall win. before the break, i showed you a manual from the 1800's that gave women advice on how to woo a man and asked you to write a sexy letter in that same style. here's the first one: ( cheers and applause ) or, or:
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oh, you guys and your dirty minds. number two is the winner. who was number two? moshe kasher! okay. moshe is the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be the sklar brothers and matt walsh. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #redneckabook and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. goodnight! see you tomorrow! - hey, guys, come on. - [panting] - we need a doctor! we need a doctor! - stay with us, man. - oh, dude, this would suck so bad if you died. the ders! he's unleashed the ders! [beatboxing]
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