tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central March 11, 2015 9:14am-9:46am PDT
nsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) ♪ >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart! my guests tonight -- i love this show! -- abbi jacobson and ilana glazer from "broad city" will be on tonight. (cheers and applause) i think i tore my jacket i was so excited. also, hillary clinton had a press conference a little earlier today so full coverage
tomorrow, just a briefing, it's about the email scandal. turns out, it's all okay. (laughter) or, she said she did not use the government email, rather she used her personal email because she did not want to have two phones. so really, i think -- (laughter) i mean, that's a super hassle to have two phones! isn't she surrounded by people who -- doesn't she, like, have a sandwich team? she's surrounded by a team of people at all times. she couldn't be, like, hey, man, could you hold this other phone some (laughter) guess not. but, you know you may remember from last week, house republicans invited the bibi netanyahu to come to washington and explain why obama is so wrong to try and make a nuclear agreement with iran! and then to have some cake
because, when you invite a prime minister from israel, it is only polite after a joint session to provide a ganache. that's the rule of my people. i will come, i will talk to your congress, but i'm hoping there's cake! (laughter) it's widely seen as a disrespectful gesture by house republicans to a sitting president, so naturally, senate republicans wanted in as well. >> 47 republican senators meanwhile have now written an open letter to the leaders of iran warning them about any nuclear deal they may sign with president obama. >> jon: iran! don't sign a deal with obama! you can't trust him! iran! be careful! we think he might be a muslim! (laughter) (applause) oh wait, what? no! why would they be warning iran?
>> anything not approved by congress is a mere executive agreement. >> the next president could revoke the next agreement with a stroke of a pen and future congresses could modify the terms of the agreement at anytime. >> jon: they're not warning iran about obama they're warning iran about themselves! (laughter) you may be able to get obama to construct a framework of verifiable nuclear limitations in exchange for the lifting of sanction bus you will never sneak this (bleep) past us! we're (bleep) too cool! we're too cool for bama nays! (cheers and applause) we're the world's most liberal body and yet we're (bleep) nuts. but i have to say this, the republicans didn't write that letter just to sabotage a nuclear deal while humiliating the president.
they also wanted to con descend to ierp about how our democracy works. >> they letter started out with "it has come to our attention while observing your nuclear negotiations with our government that you may not fully understand our constitutional system." >> president obama will leave office in january 2017 while most of us will remain in office well beyond then, perhaps decades. >> jon: yeah, that's right, ayatollah! in a democracy, presidents come and go, but senators stay in power forever! no matter how old or dangerous or spiteful or (bleep) they are! and there's nothing anyone can do about removing them! but i guess dictators wouldn't understand that. (laughter) whose idea was this stupid letter anyway? >> tom cotton the freshman senator came up with the idea but what was remarkable is he was able to get the entire republican leadership, three presidential candidates for 2016 on the g.o.p. side to sign on. >> that is remarkablum remarkable.
how did cotton convince republicans to publicly undercut our current president? how did he do it? it's the kind of per persuasive rhetoric it might take to get let's say an unfixed dog to hump a pillow. (laughter) (applause) well gee... i don't... uh -- are you sure this is okay? the pill hoe looks pretty expensive, i just -- oh! oh! that is embroidered! whoa! i guess the real question here is context! what is the context? is president obama using executive agreement in an excessive or unusual manner? well the answer to that appears to be no (bleep) way. ronald reagan peace be upon him signed over 1,500 executive agreements including a nuclear deal with china and a hostage
deal with -- oh, how do i pronounce this -- i-ran, iran! i wonder if that iran is the one related what obama is dealing with? i'm sure it's common in that part of the world. pretty sure the president is within his constitutional prerogative. subversion vis-a-vis foreign policy how knew is that? >> define white house object to her visit, pelosi met with bashar al-assad in an attempt to open a dialogue with a leader the president has sought to isolate. >> jon: oh, (bleep). democrats did the same thing to president bush. you know what this means. juxtaposition of sound byte! ♪ juxtaposition of sound byte! ♪ >> jon: yeah we do work hard
to make this (bleep) interesting. (laughter) so... how did the democrats feel about pelosi's interference in foreign policy in 2007? >> i applaud speaker pelosi. i have long advocated engagement with countries in the region including iran and syria. >> time has come for members to begin to go to some of these countries and establish their own dialogue. >> why did "the washington post" trashing nancy pelosi for doing basically what jim bakker and lee hamilton said to do, engage the neighborhood over there in the middle east? >> jon: and how do they feel about the republican letter now? >> either these senators were trying to be helpful to the iranians or harmful to the commander-in-chief. >> democratic senator diane feinstein called it "a highly inappropriate and unprecedented incursion." >> jon:. is this where we stand in the country where the opposition
will try anything to scuttle a noble president's effort to avoid a war? both look like the same people! (laughter) >> jon: now, of course, i can only assume conservatives feel the opposite in both instances. >> if the deal is that fragile, they don't have a deal. senators and members of the house opine on foreign policy all the time. >> it confuses people when they see one of the leaders of the houses attempt to conduct foreign policy. >> the leaders are looking for input because president obama cut them out of the process. >> it defies common sense and doesn't help the conversation. >> 47 congressmen sent out a message to the iranian leaders educating them about our constitutional system of government. >> i never thought in my lifetime, colonel, i would see the speaker of the house of representatives against the wishes of her old commander-in-chief allow herself to be used for propaganda purposes. >> jon: honestly, recolelcted do this all day.
we do do this all day. (laughter) we are sad mole people. clearly, the situational ethics of this country's leadership is easy to catalog, but the real takeaway from this seems to be no matter how evil our president or our congress believes iran to be, they would each rather deal with the ayatollah than each other. you know someone they can work with. (laughter) we'll be right
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>> jon: welcome back! when a news story falls through the cracks, lewis black catches it for a segment we call "back in black." >> when i was a boy my father would take me to the circus. it's amazing. a huge tent full of dancing clowns leaping acrobats, stupefying magicians! then we got a tv, and i realized the circus sucks! oh! your music! this one can talk! checkmate barnum! the sir coz is an old rubber tent full of dying potential that travels between towns like a hobo's reused condom.
(laughter) he's gross, but he's safe! and now it's about to get even sadder. >> some circus elephants are about to lose their jobs forever. ringling brothers and barnum & bailey announce by 2017 all elephant performances will end. >> thanks obama! what am i going to do now? wash cars? put out fires? other flintstones (bleep)? that's a cartoon! be realistic. the elephants were the only good part of the show! why would those ringling pricks get rid of them? >> the animals' treatment often criticized as cruel. >> coarsively trained. sinking bull hooks into their skin. >> chained for 22 hours a day. that's insane! you can't do that to the elephants! you can't even do that to dakota
johnson! and i ain't paying to see 50 tons of grey! but i love it! people love to pay to see big animals get abused? >> seaworld reported a loss fourth quarter as the theme park's attendance is falling since the announcement the performing killer whales shouldn't be kept in activity. >> whales are majestic, whales are fat sacks that spend all day eating in a poovment you know what we call that at my house? sunday! so ringling brothers is saving their elephants! seaworld is changing nothing and another company who hates animals is actually making their lives worse. >> mcdonald's will now only serve chicken raised without antibiotics. >> whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa -- raising these birds in a metal shoebox with 100 clucking roommates just so you can fatten them up before killing them is
one thing. but providing them healthcare! (laughter) oh oh, oh no! ronald mcdonald was a republican! hello! it could explain why a gay man would dress so badly. so it's the dawn of a new era! once you could get away with pumping poultry with drugs and beating elephants with sticks! but now corporations are listening to the people and are ready to make real changes! >> this is chicken. what does it mean for beef and pork? any changes to the big mack or mcrib? >> no. wait a minute... mcrib is made of pork? i just assumed it was its own species! (laughter) oh whatever! just grind me up an animal and throw it on a bun! and if it had a name, stamp it
on the box! i don't give a (bleep)! i'm loving it! (cheers and applause) ♪ care makes a man stronger. dove men+care [ female announcer ] hot pockets sandwiches are even tastier with delicious quality ingredients. like hickory ham... that's right baby. ...and our buttery seasoned crusts. then we add hot. because hot makes everything better. [ ding! ] [ female announcer ] better taste. better quality. ♪ hot pockets! ♪
(mom) when our little girl was born we got a subaru. it's where she said her first word. (little girl) no! saw her first day of school. (little girl) bye bye! made a best friend forever. the back seat of my subaru is where she grew up. what? (announcer) the 2015 subaru forester (girl) what? (announcer) built to be there for your family. love. it's what makes a subaru a subaru. after people find a dentist through us, they often say "i wish i'd done this sooner." don't let that be you.
have ever seen. we have the most incredible spark! you're right. i have to find her. >> i didn't say anything. here take my tickets. wait wait, wait. these are supposed to be with the coats. >> no, we put the tickets in the tip jar at the end of the night. then people find their matching ticket. that proves the coat's theirs. that's how coat check works. >> no, it's not. they're supposed to be on hangers with the corresponding coat. >> thanks for encouraging me to follow my heart. i love you. >> again, that's not what i said. (bleep). >> please welcome abbi jacobson and ilana glazer! c'mon out here! ♪ (cheers and applause) >> jon: so nice to see you! all right. (cheers and applause) welcome! >> oh mix my gosh! >> jon: may i tell you
something? >> please do. >> jon: i'm going to tell you something, what i love about that show is joy. you somehow translate joy to that show. it is such a rare quality in this stupid, stupid business to bring a joyful expression of your comedy to the screen. i love it. >> we can't handle it that you're saying that. >> jon: i think we'll all start to cry. >> i'm not crying. >> jon: i'm not crying either. i'm not going to cry at all. we swore we wouldn't cry! (laughter) >> jon: how are you handling this? when did this hit for you when you realized like oh, (bleep) this is it! this is big time? >> this moment right here is a good indicator, you know, it's happening. >> jon: no no no... i think we were lucky enough that we had the experience of the web series before socit felt
legitimate to us. we had to validate ourselves before other people did and i really think that forms the experience which i think forms the product. >> jon: does it seem different? someone was talking to me earlier, you know, i'm trying to get into comedy writing and all that, it feels like there is more opportunity than it ever was with. >> yeah. >> jon: do you think a show voices your unique, joyful could have gotten on the air without the web? >> i don't think so. no. >> jon: was it hard? yeah, i mean, we both came up at bright citizens brigade that wonderful place and got tunneled visioned into the only way to make it is to get on house team and you have to do that and get your do do dues in. that didn't happen for us. we were sort of needing something to send our parents to prove that we were, in fact,
doing comedy. >> jon: and they know how to use this -- this internet? >> they can click a link in an email. >> jon: really? and the web episode would show up (laughter) it loads, you know. >> jon: do they understand at this point there's a subtle separation between that and television? do they understand that once you got on comedy central that that's your web series or, no, that's a network on the box, i don't have to click anything? >> your parents have a harder time distinguishing right? like, my mom would tell people a lot of times she's on youtube! she's on youtube! (laughter) not realizing, like, you probably are too, mom! you know, everybody is! >> jon: they were kind enough to come to do the phone bank and in the middle of it -- so the whole idea is you pay some money you call a phone number and get to talk to abbi and ilana.
one of the calls that came in for abbi was abbi's mom. (laughter) >> oh, i love my mom so much. >> jon: she paid. samantha bee came over and said this night was so amazing. >> jon: it was great. but also we were, like, this is nuts. so susan sarandon was sitting in front of us. i was, like ilana, we're going over and we're going to say hello to susan sarandon. abbi>> abbi uses me like a shield. >> jon: when she said we're going, were you all in, hands in, full heart, let's do this? >> yeah! >> jon: that's how we do. we're talking to susan sarandon about important political issues. >> jon: what do you throw out first thing -- like, atlantic city, wow! what do you do?
>> i think we did like, hello, ms. vanden. >> like, you're a queen. like, thanks for being such a bad bitch because that makes the world a better place. >> jon: you got right at it. we didn't know how much time we had. >> jon: she would have givion uh this. >> yeah done! >> jon: interesting. so samantha bee politely came over and said, aby, you have a call. >> jon: it was a telethon! you can't have a call on the telethon! >> she said, you have a call, it's your mom. (laughter) and, like i talk to my mom every day. i talked to her earlier that day. (laughter) and i go over completely free and i go over and i'm, like hey! you're doing it right now aren't you? i do a thing where i do this old carol burnett thing for my mom. she says do it, do it! i'm doing it, but --
>> it was not live. and i just did it live now. >> jon: you know what? can i tell you the call i'm about to get? i was watching the show. it seems abbi does a gesture to her mother... is it to tell her mother she's thinking about her? it seems like a nice gesture and a simple one! i have a motion. do you have something for your mom? >> whoo! >> jon: i'll give a little thing for my mom. >> yeah, do it! (laughter) >> jon: that's all i've got. i can't tell you how much i have been enjoying the show. >> it's an honor. >> jon: if you're bringing joy nothing better. "broad city" wednesday night, 10:30 on comedy central! abbi jacobson and ilana glazer! (applause)
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>> jon: that's our show tomorrow night at 11:00 here it is, your moment of zen. >> true happiness is the happiness that comes from being honored. i love scrolls, i love plaques, i love trophies i got a building named after me. someone actually once said a good deed is its own reward. well, then what's this?
comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> larry: tonightly, oklahoma frat boys caught singing the worst song in history. congratulations, baja men, you're not number one anymore. ( laughter ) america asks are we ready for a female president? and other questions that seem insulting and out of touch in 2008. ( cheers and applause ) women in the u.s. are still dealing with the glass ceiling. just to be clear that's a metaphor for female advancement not some christian grey sex dudgeon. girls rule, boys drool, and transgender people are free to do whatever they want as long as it rhymes with rule. this is "the nightly show." captioning sponsored by comedy central
( cheers and applause ) >> larry! larry! larry? >> larry: thank you wow! >> larry! >> larry: thank you that's so nice of you. welcome to "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. i'm feeling so good tonight. tonight is laundry night. i forgot-- i forgot something to hold it up. san antonio came through! ( cheers and applause ) for those of you saying "the nightly show," the home game, i apologize for the inside joke. anyhow, we don't have a lot of