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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  March 12, 2015 2:07am-2:36am PDT

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pizza hut stuffed crust. i helped launch it twenty years ago and to commemorate that pizza hut has brought me back, along with the original price. get a large original stuffed crust or any one of ten new flavorful stuffed crusts like salted pret?rl for just $9.99. only at pizza hut.1f edy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org .>> larry: that's all the time we have for tonight. i wanted to thank our panelists lizz winstead, has massachusetts maz jobrani, john avalon, nick dipaolo. tomorrow night on the show we're talking about boxing and some of the the
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it is 11:59 and 59 seconds and this happened on ctv the world the of television practices makes a about as much sense as gary busey's dream journal shows like "the walking dead" can portray endless head explosions and jugular rips which i will talk about right afterwards and appreciate that, but on this show, we get bleeped when we simply want to talk about a woman's majestic privates. watch this. >> philadelphia eagles made big news yesterday trading running back to the buffalo bills, through the youtube accountant of sport pundit (bleep) pussy 445. >> for those confused because if i was when i watched it on tv and don't judge me, i watch myself, eating pussy was fine but the word eat gets bleeped. people treated me like why did eat get bleeped, i didn't know eat was the objectionable word
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in that phrase. i assumed i couldn't say pussy but who knows they are probably bleeping bleeping bussey right now. i was told they are not bleeping pussy which is crazy, i can't believe i am getting pussy. i mean, i can't believe that i am getting away with saying it. the rules for saying pussy are even more mysterious than pussy itself. watch this. that the big pussy comes out of that cat. >> okay, okay, okay. you can say it 14 months january of 2014 i was talking about a cartoon cat inside a womb but talking about the exit for the very same womb for which all life begins, pussy gets bleeped, now to be fair they kind of stopped doing that because it is an old clip and relaxed the rules so apparently the more you use pussy the more it loosens up. >> i heard that directly from
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our standards female that pointed out i was being a dick head. >> that, joan. >> to summarize i can see say pussy and when i put a verb it implies a sexual act, and i see. >> i can say, eat eat eat, and pussy, pussy pussy but not (bleep) pussy, (bleep) pussy. >> but story ladies, it doesn't want to talk about your sexual pleasure. >> don't mistreat that pussy, you better be sweet to that bussey, but if you tweet that pussy don't let extensors delete that pussy because it is a divine gift to all (bleep) pussy. [ applause ] >> hashtag i am fired. >> comedians i would like you to come up with a euphemism for
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saying (bleep) that pussy that won't get bleapped something really (bleep). emily heller you start. >> giving an inside out blow job. >> i am sensoring the mechanics of that i enjoy it. >> making out with rick ruben. >> chris:. >> and go (bleep) that pussy is -- it is all that. >> chris: i am so sorry. that didn't quite make it past the sensors. but a perfect place to start @midnight! captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to @midnight. ice chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are her please consider this tour spring dates are on emilyhellercomedy.com, the hilarious emily heller is here. [ applause ] >> [ cheers and applause ] >> who else? >> performing at the underground comedy club in toronto, april 17th through 20th, it's
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brendon walsh. >> that's me! >> chris: that's you! >> i am like a modern day fonzie over here! >> chris: cohost of the bone zone, pod cast, with brendon walsh, who is standing right next to him, randy liedtke! [ cheers and applause ] >> that's right. @midnight, the only show brave must have to have two jiangers on one show. >> look at that. don't get too close or it will explode. >> or two fat guys with beards. >> that's like every comedy show these days. >> all right. let's start the program. ripped from today's internet headlines it's rapid refresh. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: speaking of ginger st. patrick's day is less than a week a but celebrations started
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early because for the next 24 hours class a drugs like sharooms, ectasy and lsd are legal in ireland. we have some exclusive live footage from doob-lin. >> >> mm interesting blend. >> that leprechaun's pot of gold is actually just a pot of pot. comedians how would you spend the day if drugs were legalized in this country? >> brendon walsh. >> business as usual. >> chris: points. randy. >> well, since i don't do drugs and i am not like a weirdo, i do what i usually do, make love to my brother. >> chris: hey, all right. okay. points? next one. i quite enjoyed this. a christian men's homeless shelter in al a is making the internet gig until week because of its terribly inappropriate name, what is the tone-deaf name
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given to the sanctuary for wayward dudes? >> a a night on your knees, b, the glory hole. or c, matthew marked a the funky bunch. >> if randy liedtke. >> the glory hole. >> shockingly the correct answer is, the glory hole! [ applause ] >> hmm, smart. >> chris: comedians for bonus points what are some services offered at the glory hole homeless shelter. >> meals on wheels but this just means a rim job on roller blades. >> chris: that brings us to the end of rapid refresh and time for tonight tonight's hashtag wars. okay guys. you know what today is, everyone
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at once, it is register dietician day. where were you? where were you? how did you know that? >> on registered dietician day, in honor of this underweighted holiday hash a tag is make a movie healthy, examples might be died chard or kale bill or so i married a flax murderer. or 50 shades of whey. 60-seconds on the clock and begin. >> yes, brendan. >> 12 years a slave to the elliptical so machine. >> chris: very healthy, emily heller. >> keen water world. >> chris: points. brendan. >> boneless skinless bird man. >> chris: randy liedtke. >> sister act 2 back in the halibut. >> chris: oh, nice. emily heller. >> there will be blood pets. >> chris: points. >> some like it hot but raw preserves more of the nutrients. >> okay. points. brendan. >> the jazzer cist.
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>> chris: points. emily. >> basic green tomatoes. >> chris: point. >> american snapper. >> chris: points. >> diet star wars. >> chris:. >> jabba, you look great. >> chris: randy. >> schindler's whole foods list. >> chris: points. >> chris: which groceries will you take? points. randy. >> 40-year-old extra virgin olive oil. >> chris: okay. i will take it. that's tend of hashtag wars send us a hashtag make, #makeamoviehealthy. >> we will be right back with more @midnight. our tweet of the day fr la la
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which is real. does this ppsa have an upbeat anti-meth theme song or feature dead celebs to warn about fire i pyre situate. >> look at me, busy as a bee. where'd i get all this energy. oh, meth, oh meth. i don't sleep and i don't eat. but i've got the cleanest house on the street. oh, meth. mmm, meth. >> chris: what is that? >> wait a minute. >> was that from the brady bad boys? >> that kind of made it look cool. >> yeah. that is just a really good commercial for meth. >> yeah. she has the cleanest house. >> yes. seriously. >> she is not using the toothbrush to brush her tooth but scrub her toilet with it. >> chris: the cleanest houses, yeah. >> that's right.
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>> i mean like, i don't want to do meth but i do want to hire her. >> chris: all right. the next one. is this psa featuring ricky playing with matches or little ricky playing with himself? randy, randy liedtke. >> i hope it is little ricky playing with himself. force forms. >> i want you to be honest, randy. >> how many times have you said that this week? >> my son's name is ricky. >> here is the correct answer. >> yeah. >> oh excuse me, ricky ricky i did see what you were doing. that hurt didn't it? >> chris: oh. >> oh my god.
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>> well i guess i can cross jerking off, off the list of things i will never get to do again after watching that. >> what are you talking about? that was so hot. >> that's the end of public service a bomb nation and time for our next game, lower your standards. [ cheers and applause ] >> let's talk about how they bleeped some unexpected words but at least they didn't try to overdub me with clean dialogue which they do all the time when they show r rated movies on network television. let me show you what they did with this line from scar face, the original line is where did you get that scar, from eating pussy? remember from the opening of the show. this is how network television cleaned that up. >> where did you get the beauty scar, tough guy, from eating pineapple? >> yeah, i mean pineapples are very dangerous. so it is good work. but in honor of of the puritanical classic we will give you classic
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lines you have to guess how they they were cleaned up for television. the first one from the big lebowski, see what happens when you (bleep) a stranger in the ass. how do you think they made it safe for tv, randy? >> see what happens when you hug a stranger in the ass. >> let's see if the answer is real. >> you see what happens when you find a stranger in the al also? >> alments. >> did he say when you find a stranger in the alments? >> yeah. next one from snakes on a plane, i had it with these mother (bleep)ing snakes on this mother (bleep)ing plane. >> what the heck are these snakes are driving me nuts. i didn't even think sam jackson could form those words. points. let's see how they actually
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tried to correct it for television. >> this is enough i have had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this monday to friday plane. >> what is a monday to friday plane? >> doesn't fly on weekends. >> these monkey fighting snakes. >>ñr just likei watching bad lipreading on you tube but for real. next one from diehard 2. yippie eye kay yay mother (bleep). this makes no sense when you see it emily. >> sweet pecan pie marshal mathers. >> chris: points. >> yippie i am gay mother and father. >> chris: points. >> all of your answers are better than what they actually used which was this. >> yippie kay yay mr. falcon. >> chris: so first of all they hired a a serbian guy to do the
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voice over. >> yippie kay yay mr. falcon? >> there is no mr. falcon in diehard 2. >> i am going to falcon this snake in the alments. >> the next one, from the usual suspects. hand me the keys you bleeping bleeping. >> hand me the keys you car rental agent. >> chris: let's see the actual answer. >> number one step forward. hand me the keys you fairy godmother. >> hand me the keys you fairy godmother. oh knows are fighting words where i come from. >> that's the end of lower your standards and time for the live challenge, serving time. [ cheers and applause ] you guys are going to be very excited to
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hear about this. china has its first prison themed restaurant no it is not ruby tuesday, it is called prison feng yun decorated are metal bars and chains to gives the diners a chance of the prison experience so they are less likely to commit crimes and spending time with mcgruff the crime dog, you don't know who that is, that's right. >> and comedians i am sure you all served time at one point or another so i would like you to tell me tonight specials at the chinese prison sphrawnt and get your answers after the break when we return to @midnight. ♪ ♪ schick xtreme3. 3 flexible blades... ...that adapt to any contour... ...for extreme comfort. schick xtreme3. try xtreme3 ultimate. more glide, better comfort.
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free your skin. can a truck change how people feel about a guy? we talked to real people, not actors. we showed them two pictures of the same guy in the same location. the only difference... the vehicle behind him. if this guy could grow facial hair what would he grow?
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just a soul patch. the truck guy. mutton chops. show me how truck guy would shake my hand. oh!! you know you want a truck. the all new chevy colorado. motor trend's 2015 truck of the year. ♪ >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. >> before the break i told you about a prison themed restaurant in china and asked you to tell me tonight's specials. let's hear what you came up with, brendon walsh start with you. >> my name is frankie and i will be jerking off into your salad this evening. tonight i will serve you a cup of tea fro in your face. >> chris: all right. emily heller. >> good proportionately black and catfish. >> oh, political. >> chris: oh, yes. randy. >> hi, welcome to chinese prison, i will be taking care of you today. let's start you off with some nice jamaican jerked chicken and
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fried plan contains and the jay may can is right. >> i know chinese prison is crazy. >> chris: all right. i will give emily 1,000 points and 500 points for randy and emily. [ cheers and applause ] .. sexist. >> chris: ready for action. ready for action. reddit redactions. >> a new website reddit comment search dot-com allows users to search specific words or phrases in their comment history and delete them. great because if there is one thing that people who post comments on the internet need, it's less accountability for their hateful, misspelled rants. >> comedians i want you to give me some wee cords. >> man, all of these comment make me want to kill the president. >> points. >> randy. >> infiltrating the comedy scene to eventually murder brendon walsh. >> chris: okay. points. brendan.
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>> i kind of fancy myself the white bill cosby. >> chris: points. yes, you would want that removed. emily. >> are white people allowed to say sleek. >> chris: brendan. does anybody anyone else here hate the fbi. >> points. >> getting nutella out of pubes. >> chris: points. randy. >> does anybody know where to buy a gun? i think i am finally going to murder brendon walsh. >> chris: points. and that brings us to the end of reddit redactions, i see that who is in third place? randy liedtke, you are in third place just by 50 points. look at that. adorable face. he is not taking this well. >> you are a loser. >> are you okay, randy. >> (bleep) you, chris hardwick! >> brendon walsh!
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>> chris: that means it's time to pay the it's time to pay the bills. it's for the win! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: gawker turned us on to some sexy shenanigans in park slope, the hoity toidy neighborhood that was in brooklyn before being in brooklyn was cooled. when a young park slope woman lost her roommate and needed to pay rent, she did what anyone would do, she opened a bdsm dungeon. >> you know what they say if you can't bdsm them, join them. >> this photo looks like it was taken by an out of work calvin klein photographer. i think it is interesting to note the carpet was white before she started. >> the carpet does not match the drapes. >> chris: i will give you points for that. she employs 3-d oms and charges around 200 200 bucks to rent out this paneled room. 0 so shut up and submit yourself
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and write a yelp review of this diy brooklyn bdsm dungeon. >> are you funny enough to be on the @midnight. prove it. and make an appeal on this very show and so could you. only one week left until we announce our winner. do ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ba-da-ba-ba-ba ♪
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. thank you very much. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean, wipe wipe, wipe. i am going to read the answers out loud and you the studio audience will decide who shall he memory the victor. before the break i told you about a brooklyn resident who
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opened a bdsm dungeon in her apartment to help pay the rent and asked you to give a yelp review. >> the first one the realtor picture of this sex dungeon no wifi, one star. ment. >> the realtor torture. >> the real, torture. >> or. >> the salad didn't have enough semen in it and i, at then i got a cup of pee thrown in my face. >> who is number one? >> emily heller you have won the internet! >> you are the funniest person on the internet. we will see you tomorrow night when our guests are whitney cummings, beth behrs and johnathan kite. until then keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your jaime, thank you so much again for getting us this coat check gig. for real. seriously. of course, my babies. so, there's a big rush at the beginning
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