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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  March 16, 2015 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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telling people that your show starts right now. >> larry: you just did ha ha ha. >> jon: son of a b tch wilmore. here is your moment of zone. >> the whole world is on fire. >> the world's on fire. >> the world is on fire. yes. your world is on fire captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> larry: tonightly... we're talking march madness! as god is my witness, "linda in accounting," you're going down! are student athletes getting an education -- or does thinky sport guys no get good college no more? we figured out what ncaa stands
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for -- it's "no compensation aaaah-ha, aaaaahahahaaa!" time to fill out your brackets, bitches! this is the "the nightly show"! captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: thank you! thank you very much! welcome to the "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. my mind went blank. i still can't think -- i'm so upset. tomorrow morning i'll have ten. that's the way it goes. we've got a few stories tonight as a part of our new segment "rich people are getting away with stuff as usual."
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(laughter) you know it's true, everybody! first up, rich people are (bleep) on mt. everest. >> mt. everest has a poop problem. >> human waste left by mountaineers on mt. everest is causing pollution and threatening to spread disease. >> the peak has become a fecal time bomb, and the mess is gradually sliding back toward base camp. >> larry: (bleep)! worst avalanche ever! what's going on? i don't even know what's going on anymore! climbing mt. everest is a rich man's game. it is cost up to $1,000, basically for a bougey hike. and now to add insult to injury, these guys are leaving their caviar-laced turds all over the mountain. luckily for us, we have a contact on everest at this very moment.
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he's hare to the foxley furniture fortune. let's check in with zephyr foxley at everest base camp one. >> zephyr: hello, larry. (cheers and applause) hello! >> larry: hi, zephyr. thank you so much for having me! it's my hope that you stop focusing on what's rolling down the mountain and start focusing on what's climbing up the mountain. >> larry: zephyr, as an outdoorsman, do you think it's okay to leave so much defecation on one of the world's natural wonders? >> it's a natural wonder i held it so long. am i right? you know what's too rich, larry? the food my chef is cooking. and besides, i'm an outdoorsman. i do things outdoors. >> larry: it just seems really disrespectful to the environment and the indigenous people. >> zephyr: i don't know about all that larry but have you ever taken a crap in the freezing outdoors? it's invigorating. it's like a pepperment patty in your bum.
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>> larry: this is very shocking to me. >> zephyr: why are you surprised by this? hello... i'm wealthy -- my people have been figuratively dumping on the world and its indigenous people since the dawn of time. now we're just literally doing it. >> larry: zephyr, i'm not going to argue with you. i don't think you see the point. you're destroying the natural environment, you're disrespecting the people here, you don't even have any self-awareness of this. >> zephyr: wow, yeah. whoo... you know what, larry? yeah, i see what you're saying. anyway, i've got to go. i'm about seven more dumps to the top! >> larry: zephyr foxley, everyone! (cheers and applause) all right now, next up on our rich stories is an incredible story of wealth and murder most foul.
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(thunder) i'm talking, of course, about the hbo star who was arrested for murder over the weekend. no, not arliss. although that was disturbing. i'm talking about cross-dressing zillionaire robert durst, who was arrested on saturday after decades of suspicion around three murders. the arrest coincided with the final episode of hbo's documentary series on durst. apparently, he left his microphone on when he went to the bathroom and this happened. >> what the hell did i do? i killed them all, of course. >> reporter: could this have been an admission of guilt from robert durst? >> larry: is "i killed them all" an admission of guilt? i think so. unless he's talking about a great set at the laugh factory, i'm pretty sure he's confessing. i mean, what's his excuse, "it's not murder. it's hbo"? here's how hard it is for a rich guy to get arrested for murder. 30 years after the first crime, he has to volunteer to star in a documentary about his alleged
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murdering go take a leak, forget his mic's on, and then literally mumble a confession into the microphone! which, ironically, is exactly how popeye got caught when he went to prison in the '40s. oh, boy, i hope they don't find out i killed wimpy. (laughter) (cheers and applause) that's the last hamburger you don't pay me for, you fat bitch. (laughter) (laughing like popeye) thank you very much. popeye, everyone. (applause) i don't deserve applause when i make the host laugh. okay. as hard as it is for rich guys, it's a little too easy when you don't have money. last week, a group of non-rich kids in northern california tried to shoot a rap video. before they could even get to the gangsta bridge, the cops showed up. >> everyone on their knees!
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now! >> larry: we've got a 1058 here laying down sick beats with intent to rhyme! (laughter) and i'm not bringing up these rappers because they're black. though on most days, that is reason enough for them to get arrested. rich black person, n.b.a. star jayson williams straight-up shot and killed his limo driver in a room full of people in 2002. there were multiple eyewitnesses, including four members of the harlem globetrotters. a group not known for their deception. (laughter) tragically, the victim also got hit with a bucket of confetti. anyway, williams is so rich he put off jail for eight years. that's how powerful money is -- it even stops the police from throwing a black guy in jail. well, delays it at least. i mean, it's not magic. we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: welcome back. yesterday was the start of march madness -- ncaa selection sunday. actually, for me, every sunday is selection sunday, in that i "select" to ignore my loved ones and watch sports all day, and apparently i'm not the only one distracted by this march to
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madness. >> march madness is a productivity killer for companies. a report estimates distracted workers could cost at least $1.9 billion in wages as people fill out their brackets in the office and many games will be on during the day. but experts say employers shouldn't ban office pools because it could hurt morale. >> larry: yeah, that sounds like fun! i would love to have an office pool! >> did somebody say office pool?! sweet! cannonball! >> larry: no, no, no cannonball! that's not the type of pool i was talking about. shoo! go on! get! damn neighbors' kids. but back to basketball. nothing soothes my nerves like amateur athletics, where it's all about the molding of young minds, far from the corrupting influence of money. >> ncaa basketball which generates about a billion dollars a year for march madness -- >> college athletes are generating billions of dollars
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of money -- >> this new playoff structure has generated millions, maybe even billions in extra revenue for schools. >> larry: okay, so there's a little bit of money changing hands. a few billion here or there. but the money is all staying within the hall hallowed hallways of these educational institutions right? >> the current contract for march madness with cbs and turner broadcast is for how many years and how much money? >> 14 years and it's $10.8 billion. >> $10.8 billion? >> larry: whaaaaa?! $10.8 billion? man, i could really make it rain with that! >> oh, it's raining? does that mean the pool's closed? >> larry: there's no pool! go on! get! get! (applause) there's no pool. always keep a stick handy is what i say. that's a lot of money to air
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just the tourney. that doesn't even take into account national and regional cable deals, ticket sales and merchandise. so who gets this pile of money that even oprah would think is obscene? to help us understand, i had my research team make this handy pie chart. here we see the $10.8 billion. now, here is all that is left of the pie when you take away what the players are paid. wow! odd? only $10.8 is left for the universities and the ncaa itself. how do they stay afloat? good work, guys! we're going to lose our pie chart team to the folks at u.s.a. today if we're not careful. >> it would undoubtedly shine the spotlight on the age-old debate about whether or not college athletes should be paid "dollars" for playing. >> larry: but seriously, why do college athletes need "dollars"?! they're getting paid in education! it's more like "brain bucks"
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that they can redeem at the "knowledge store" to buy "wisdom points"! and those wisdom points will help them have perspective when they are "homeless" because they don't have any "actual money." (applause) it's almost like the system was designed to keep athletes poor. >> the whole idea of a student athlete was developed as a legal term to prevent the widow of a player from collecting workers' compensation. the argument by the ncaa is wait a minute, they're not workers they're student athletes. therefore, we owe them nothing. >> larry: really, ncaa? is that really the slogan you want for your colleges? "we owe them nothing"? regardless of how the student athletes are being treated, it's not stopping anyone from filling out their brackets. even the president has bracket fever. good lord! can we stop with the brackets, already? no, we can't, which is why it's time for the coolest bracket game ever bracketed in bracket-town. hit it.
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>> march madness bracketed ball, 2015! it's boulder time! >> larry: all right. no joke. so here's what we're going to do. i've assigned myself a dare for every team in the ncaa tournament. that's right, 68 teams, 68 dares. every time a team wins, that dare advances -- all the way to the championship, whichever team wins is the dare i will have to do on this show. now, this is absolutely real. we're not making this up. for example in the south regional division, if eastern washington wins the tournament, i'll have to ride a horse shirtless like vladimir putin, (cheers and applause) i'll do it! but if georgetown wins, my evil twin will host the show. i have no idea what that will be like. it will be fun. and, of course, the better the teams, the harder the dares. if number four seed maryland goes all the way, i'll be forced to wear a boston celtics jersey for the entire show.
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(audience reacts) and i hate the celtics. and if kentucky takes the crown, i'll be baby birded, which means someone will have to chew up some food and feed it into my mouth. which i'd prefer to wearing a stupid celtics jersey. (applause) the bracket will fill up with dares all this week. the first 32 are up now at, and we want you to help us fill in the rest. so tweet us your dares with the hashtag "dare larry," and i'll look forward to making an ass of myself for you. we'll be right back! ♪ (cheers and applause) (mom) when our little girl was born we got a subaru. it's where she said her first word. (little girl) no! saw her first day of school. (little girl) bye bye! made a best friend forever. the back seat of my subaru
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. joining the panel tonight -- comedian and actor in the show "childrens hospital" airing fridays at midnight on adult swim, rob corddry; he's a rapper and his new album, the album about nothing is coming out at the end of the month, wale; cnn sports, anchor and reporter for turner sports, rachel nichols; and the former democratic congressman of massachusetts and the author of his new memoir "frank, a life in politics from the great society to same-sex marriage," barney frank. (cheers and applause) >> larry: it's a great panel! i love this panel tonight. tonight we're asking -- should ncaa players be paid?
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i don't understand why athletes shouldn't get paid. to me, i feel like a lot of this is set up just to punish poor kids. a lot of these rules. the fact that somebody can't buy you dinner and you get punished for that. >> sell your name, if you autograph something if it's worth money, that should be up to you and the person spending money on it. >> manziel, we know he did. the comments expressed by larry wilmore are not necessarily -- >> larry: i got you, johnny! you're saying that? >> i didn't say anything. >> larry: can we just start with perks maybe? instead of money? >> contractually, i make sure i'm paid, my perks include high fives and pats on the bum and maybe a couple of good games. but these guys are rich and
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titans of the high fives industry. i would say, blow it out, expand it a little bit and maybe like hugs, kissies. >> larry: is there a constitutional element here? because why can't a player get kissies or make money off his own image? >> two things, i'm pretty skeptical of the whole system. my view is yes, they ought to get paid burks they should stop pretending they're students and going to school. >> larry: do away with the schools? >> no, do away with the pretense that a lot of these students are students at the school. if the school pants to get prestige and make money by having a good team let them hire a team. on the other hand if schools don't want to get into that and have students admitted truly on the ground of playing sports, that's a good idea. i think the problem is the hypocrisy of pretending they're
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students -- >> it's not pretending. some people go to school, like me i was going to school thinking i was going to make it to the n.f.l. and i'm here. and i ended up learning things that i alie right now. you take kevin ware. he broke his leg. i'm not sure -- >> they're letting people in school without the likelihood they're going to play big-time sports. and what bothers me is the sum. >> larry: what the colleges are making? >> no, how much the average citizen has to play in cable bills -- >> larry: the heart of the pro. >> it is. the major reason the cable bills are so inflated is sports. it's professional athletes to a great extent but this 10.8 billion they're talking about that's being paid for by the people buying cable and they
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ought to be able to have a situation where you only buy the cable stationous want and not have to subsidize the other things. (cheers and applause) >> i want to hit the student athlete aspect because i think it is important. the majority of college kids who play sports will not go on to be professional athletes. >> larry: exactly. for most of them, going to college is really important. but when you want to talk about hypocrisy and the student athletes, let's talk about the rules around that. now there are games scheduled for week nights, school nights. how about the ncaa -- >> larry: but athletes want to be studying! that's what they want to be doing! >> seriously! >> larry: they don't want to drink beer and smoke weed! >> that's the point i'm making. don't admit people whose primary interest is in being full-time athletes and don't run the school around that. >> larry: how can you ever have teams? >> how can you have teams? hire people to play, put their jersey on and say this
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represents the university of ohio. >> larry: you think college players should be pros, basically? >> no, i think colleges should divide up, let people in and have an athletic program for who is who get in participate, but if you want big time competition, hire a team. >> then they're not student athletes. part of the whole thing is these people are managing to go to class and play on the field. >> but one the place so they do that. >> larry: let's be clear, the colleges don't care the athletes turn out to be smart where pants. they want them to be money mcmoney. sorry for the irish names but it's st. paddy's day. (applause) >> i understand. i'm being critical of the colleges, not the athletes. i'm critical of the hypocrisy of the colleges attracting these people and making big bucks for cable subscribers. >> the only people who don't get
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it are -- >> i agree with even the contradictory statements. i agree with everything people are saying because i think the debate is -- america we love magic bullet evolutions or just magical solutions like we pay the players, all good. but really like, i think we're asking the wrong question, in a way, and i don't know what that question is. i'm a poop joke guy. (laughter) but it's, like, you know, it's like the system is corrupt and it's like paying anybody or doing anything is putting a band-aid on a broken neck. >> larry: well, if the players become corrupt, you're evening out the system. >> i agree with rob. i'm trying to sell my book. this is mott the question i would have asked either. i would rather talk about my
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book! >> let's talk about that! >> larry: let me ask the question, will you stick around? because we'll be right back. the e-class has 11 intelligent driver-assist systems. it recognizes pedestrians and alerts you. warns you about incoming cross-traffic. cameras and radar detect dangers you don't. and it can even stop by itself. so in this crash test, one thing's missing: a crash. the 2015 e-class. see your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedes-benz financial services.
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that's the comfort of rewarding connections. apply online or at a bank of america near you. >> larry: that's all the time we have for tonight! i want to thank our panelists wale, rachel nichols, barney frank and rob corddry. nice round of applause! (applause) finally tonight, head to to view the first 32 dares selected in our dare-y willmore's march madness bracketsball dare-o-mania it's boner time tournament.
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we need your help to fill the bracket by wednesday night. so submit your dares using the hashtag "dare larry." please please, read barney frank's new book okay? it's called "frank." very easy to remember. i don't know why someone would have a tough time with that. until then, goodnightly, everyone! read the book! (cheers and applause) ♪ it's 11:59, and 59 seconds this happened in the app store paula deen the controversial celebrity chef and-- executive is paging a comeback. following in the footsteps of paris hilton she's and kim kardashian she's release a sex tape.


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