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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  March 19, 2015 9:45am-10:16am PDT

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applause] thank you thank you thank you. there it is. [chanting larry larry] very nice, thank you. exact same thing i say in the mirror every morning. wellal to the nightly show i'm larry wilmore. question. when you order starbucks how do you like it, grande, venti, double shot of awkward conversation. >> star buck's new campaign it's call race together. you get a cup of coffee and they write race together. they want their baristas to engage in their customers in this bigger conversation about race. >> hold on starbucks, you're talking about race. that's what we do on the nightly show. all right. you getting in my business i'm
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getting in yours, all right. here, how do you like that. making some coffee right here. come on, coffee. [laughter] it's going to be there starbucks, all right. do you know what's happening right now, you're losing a dollar a second right now, right. looks like somebody's going to have to explain race and profit losses to their shareholders, all right. seriously, do we really expect some poor barista to handle a conversation on racial politics? that's a lot of pressure. who are they going to get, cornel west? [laughter] i mean no offense professor west, i know you can handle a delicate race conversation but i don't know if you can handle the delicate ins and outs of my quad grande non-fat extra hot carmel
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upside down macchiato. which i just made, starbucks. turning now to our top story tonight. we've got to talk about that jesus jet. >> i took a blood sworn oath. this is atlanta based mega church in the firing line after urging its mechanics to fund a new gulfstream jet for its controversial leader, pastor creflo dollar. [laughter] >> a new jet, i don't know if i should be more shocked at a new jetter whose name is creflo dollar. i mean seriously. it just seems so on the nose you know. it would be like a serial killer was named jack knife. or a bank robber named philip z. bag. you come up with some with the
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hashtag on the nose name. but lets get back to that jesus jet. >> project asking people to donate $300 or more. >> that jet dollar was seeking!yhl a gulfstream 60 which has a price tag of $65 million. bloomberg describes it as the holy grail of jets. [laughter] $65 million? for $65 million you could buy z jet. you would be overpaying for that too, mind you. [laughter] what exactly is the message creflo dollar wants to spread while careening through the skies in his private jet. >> dollar is famous for his so-called prawlsso-called prosperity gospel coming to those who do not donate to the church. >> so-called prawls parity
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gospel. it seems like this message might be catching on but not everybody's a convert. take us to sunday school noted religious scholar. >> the protestant movement in north america is the movement referred toes at posterity gospel. the argument of the prosperity gospel if i can put it flippantly is;z8áthat jesus wants you to drive a bentley. >> that's right. i feel 9 power of the v8. i'm not talking about the drink. on the third day when something wasn't delivered, i ain't talking about that. get that devil out of here, here's what i'm talking about. [laughter] can i have an amen. >> amen. >> i said can i have an amen for a bentley. >> amen. >> can i get a rise because i wasn't able to make the payments for my bentley.
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now look i know you're thinking bentley private planes. how much do these jetsetting profit mawrnlings make anyway. let's take a look. creflo is at the bottom of the list and it may be due to the fact he's only asking for money. some of these preachers work hard for the money. take it take it. take it. [laughter] wait. does he have a voice. take it, take it. that is the worst. i have never seen such horrible. [laughter]
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i mean he's awesome he's awesome. oh myw) gosh. these guys are the modern day snakes. i wanted to talk to an expert so please welcome our lord and savior jesus christ. [crowd cheering] welcome to the show jesus. >> thank you. that's very nice. >> very symbolic, i don't want to lose that. >> yes. glad to be here larry, thank you. >> no problem. now jesus we've been talking about the prosperity gospel and these money-loving creatures like this one at lat alan atlanta luxury jets. i want your take on this. >> nice wine. >> we put water in there. >> i mean larry. >> i made coffee earlier.
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not the same, not the same. all right. so what about these preachers. >> i don't pay attention to those guys. it's a big world larry, lots of stuff happening all over. oh, i'm sorry, that's me. >> i didn't know you texted. you must get some pretty important texts. >> that was on the syrian refugees. looks like they're still refuging. you were talking about a luxury jet, was it? >> yes. now these preachers who use their name to squeeze money out of poor people i think it's horrible. >> poor people larry or poor americans. oh, i'm sorry. i have a google list with poverty. did you know 850 million people are hungry or starving right now? >> i did not know that. >> let's focus on the poor people you're worried about, larry sorry. >> i wouldn't characterize it
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like that. i was just trying to make a point. >> i do have this take this sorry. hello, dad. hi. you know i heard about the mud slide. how many areyv missing. oh jesus. i mean, oh me, what am i thinking. i'm on it. as soon as i'm done here. the nightly show with larry wilmore. wilmore. [laughter] no, not him. he left. he's taking over. i've got to go dad i'm sorry. i've got to go. i'm sorry, larry. >> does he know i'm taking over for john? don't go there. i thought i'd ask. you never know. [applause] i know you're busy but i just wanted to know are people like creflo dollar taking advantage of poor people. >> yes, of course they are. but don't worry me and pop well get them on the back end. >> i got you. that makes sense.
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>> anything else larry while i'm here? >> what should we be doing about global warming. >> no no that one's on you guys. look, i'll give you a hint. ix-nay on abortions and gay marriage. i've got to roll. jesus out, good-bye. >> jesus, everybody. [cheers and applause] i just got charged for my credit score...again. you should check out credit karma...they're like free. yeah? yeah. how? ads. credit karma? yeah. cool!
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yeah. credit karma. really free credit scores. really. free. word. ...to your mother did you call your mom? i should probably call her... you should probably call her. it's her birthday.
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(mom) when our little girl was born we got a subaru. it's where she said her first word. (little girl) no! saw her first day of school. (little girl) bye bye! made a best friend forever. the back seat of my subaru is where she grew up. what? (announcer) the 2015 subaru forester (girl) what? (announcer) built to be there for your family. love. it's what makes a subaru a subaru.
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welcome back to the show. joining us tonight iscomedian kurt metzger. the nightly show contributor shenaz treasury. we've got one of the parcels featured in the show preachers of detroit. that airs on oxygen fridays at 8:00 p.m. with parcel pastor david bullock. and the great actor starring in the new show time series happyish premiering on april 26th at 9:30 p.m. bradley whitford. a lot of the prosperity gospel is that the right term. >> sure, that's fine. >> i feel like they exploit the notion that people are giving their money directly to god. why does jesus need so much
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money. is he like cash poor right now. another addition in heaven. >> he says in my father's house there are many rooms. i think there's plenty of room already. but if you look at these mega ministries, the only one who seems to be mega rich is the pastor that pass his family. >> exactly. go ahead, bradley. >> i want to disagree. what's his name. >> creflo dollar. >> creflo annuities discoveredthat. you know, once you've convinced your flocks that the son of god is a venture capitalists the sky's the limit. maybe god wanted to have a plane he could stand up in. maybe it's not enough.
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>> it's disgusting. you're absolutely right. >> in the discussion of our finances at all. >> well if you believe it, god's the solution to everything. so yes. >> you went door to door. >> oh yes. it's dangerous, right. >> it is dangerous. >> nobody wants to talk to joe -- [laughter] but the people that get exploited to some degree they want to be exploited. people one to see their preacher have all this stuff this kind of aspiration. that means god's blessing him. real jesus who is this ratchet jesus. they wouldn't go with that. >> am i the hater here? is it a liquid pro quo quid pro quo if people are happy. >> if people were happy. i went to a temple of rats.
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people worship rats. >> it's like our subway system. >> what's the difference between the pastors and the rats. >> if you tell them -- >> the pass ter has a pastor has a jet. >> don't let pastors off the hook. i understand what you're saying. when people are desperate, you know, they'll take anything. >> when you go into a poor community or telling a poor person look you don't have to work right you don't have to read, you don't have to study you don't have to have a plan. all you got to do is bring all your money to church on sunday and god's going to do it all for you. i mean that message is attractive to somebody who has been down so long. >> yes sure. >> and preachers ought to be held accountable for telling lies. >> how can they? can the government --
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[applause] should the government be involved in this. >> making all this money, should we chain the2should greed be treated like weed. >> absolutely. in india the holy men, they fully offer the nations to smoke bode. so weed, they do. >> where are you from exactly? >> go ahead. >> how did these guys get around, you know they seem to have an idea you know like jesus was a big supply side guide instead of the guy throwing the money lenders out of the temple. like somebody walking through betbethlehem saying don't help the lepers you're going to make them crazy. >> the bottom line is this is ludicrous, it's insulting. at some point these mega churches are going to come down and people will open their eyes
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and we should not help the poor so we could have a private jet that doesn't benefit the congregation or the city. jesus said i was hundred hungry comehungry -- hungary come hungry come feed me. i bring the gift of the name your price tool to help you find a price that fits your budget. uh-oh. the name your price tool. she's not to be trusted. kill her. flo: it will save you money! the name your price tool isn't witchcraft! and i didn't turn your daughter into a rooster. she just looks like that. burn the witch! the name your price tool a dangerously progressive idea. ted's morning was not going well, and when his battery light lit up - it went from bad to worse. but a quick pit stop to autozone -
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where they check that for free - and ted and his car were back to peak performance. its called the zone and we'll help get you there. get in the zone. autozone. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ba-da-ba-ba-ba ♪ instead of hanging out on the couch you could be hanging ten. what are you waiting for? vo: book now for up to 40% off spring break hotels with travelocity. [ male announcer ] digiorno? or delivery? ♪ ♪ digiorno? or delivery? taste for yourself why the shortest distance between you and a delicious, fresh-baked pizza, is your oven. thankfully, it's not delivery. it's digiorno. welcome back. it's time for the segment we likepp to call keep it 100.
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for all you people who don't know what that expression means it means keep it 100% real. pastor let's start with you. jesus calls and says you have to give up your money and possessions to get into heaven. the next day mike on the set calls said you will be the most popular guy of all time and spread the word of -- are you faithful to jesus or satan. >> jesus. >> why? >> because satan coy. >> spread the word. >> satan rewards you in this life but jesus rewards you -- >> [applause] >> exactly. okay kurt. i knew you grew up a jehovah's
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witness i i know how much you hate that stuff now, right. >> i hated knocking on doors but i don't have a bitterness towards the religion. >> would you rather live your whole life as a jehovah's witness or die in hot air balloon crash. >> easily hot air balloon. >> a spectacular crash. >> hot air balloon crash. one it's a cool ride on the way down. two, i was going to three meetings a week. >> keep it 100 right. any time you answer that fast. okay bradley, all right, list up. you rob low, martin sheen are in a hot air balloon thing. one of my favorite show. the win shifts the hot air balloon out of control everybody dies okay. it's reallymx sad. st. peter comes down and says because i love studio 60 so
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much, i'm going to do you, he's talking to you. >> he's talking to me. >> no he doesn't care. he says but you get to bring back two of your three costars. you get to bring two of your three costars to help but one of them is going to hell. who is going to hell? >> -- [applause] >> very nice. i believe that needs no explanation. >> very good. well done brad, well done. okay shenaz. same question as bradley. although let's change it a little bit. the three of you are in a hot air balloon to the same reunion. this is a popular reunion. a lot of people didn't vet all the travel plans. now you see them crash and because you're such west wing fans you realize what's the point right. you just cut the cables and
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plummet to your death. which one would you send to hell mike or ricky. to add a little pressure here they are right now. which one's going to hell shenaz? not one of those weird religions you're talking about, we're talking about fire -- >> reincarnation. >> noreen no reincarnation. >> oh,. >> it was ricky. >> did you say mike. >> i didn't say anyone. >> too late now. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. if you're here in new york city come see the show. go to night
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hat's all the time we have for tonight. i want to thank our panelists bradley whitford kurt metzger david bullock and shenaz treasury. i want to let you know our panel went long. it was a lot of fun but you can fine the whole segment on the web, okay. finally tonight the dares you've tweeted has been incredible. we're so close for completing the bracket for dare-y wilmore's march badness bracketsball dare-o-mania. it's boner time tournament. let's look at what's at stake starting tomorrow. if number one seed wisconsin
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wins it all this show will go medieval. i will host the knightly show wearing a full suit of armor. thank at garrett for real. next up at cabbage cat dares me to wear a donald trump ambiguous in an old bathroom. i have that in my closet. okay done. this comes from at laurie t. miller. teach my mom how to use her new smart phone. done. now i'm just doing people favors. i will do it if baylor goes all the way. they're a three-seed. check the latest on-line and keep the dares coming with hashtag dare larry. good luck to the 16 seeds. good night everyone.
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captioning made possible by comedy central ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ( mumbling ) ♪ so come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ settle down children... i have some difficult news... this is going to make you all very sad... the school board is considering firing me as your teacher.

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