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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  March 23, 2015 9:45am-10:16am PDT

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ithout saying good-bye. so pump the keg and kick the leprechaun in the shillelagh. it's "the nightly show." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you very much. >> larry! larry! larry! >> larry: oh, thank you very much. man, i really appreciate it. thank you. welcome to "the nightly show," especially to all you service men and women and anybody who just got engaged. i don't know we might be talking about. we're just picking out random people. i'll larry wilmore and as you know today is st. patrick's day the day america celebrate its irish heritage by engaging in every irish stereotype imaginable. seriously, if we observed other
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ethnic holidays the way we observed today columbus today would be about make a nice sunday song. we'd celebrate kwanzaa late. ( laughter ) that's right. italians make sauce plaque people show up late. it's just science, people. but think about it, all day today we drink, we fight in the streets. we drink. we pee in the streets. we drink. we puke in the streets. and then when we're done, we do a little bit of this. >> oh! >> larry: oh, my god. so that's why you wear green so your barf matched your shirt. it's all about coordinating. there is so much drunk d.n.a. on the sidewalk after st. patrick's day scientists could combine it to make a frat bro super
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villain. they could use the times square ball to play beer pong. turn glaciers into ice luges. it would be a disaster. but now, is drunk and towardly the way we celebrate every holiday? we drink on st. patrick's day. we drink on cinco de mayo. personally, drink on arbor day. i just get a keg and sit in the forest. ( laughter ) ( applause ) true. i don't know. the trees just get me, man. i don't know what it is. personally, you know, i'm not that crazy about praedz. look my people love to march. don't get me wrong. ( laughter ) we do, i know. but so much of our ( bleep ) is so serious. nobody wants to ride on the "hands up don't shoot" flot. seriously. ( laughter ) it's just not that fun is all i'm saying. you know, i'll be honest with you, i'll be honest with you,
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that selma 50th march could have used some 40s. that's all i'm taig. spice it up a little bit. so praedz report for everybody, but why are there so many of them in new york city? i tonight get that. if somebody from-- you have the st. patrick's day parade. the macy's day parade. gay pride parade, do dominican day parade. hold on a second. here's my problems with those three praedz-- puerto rico and the dominican republic are both in the caribbean. that's a parade double dip, people. ( laughter ) it is. it's like having a macy's parade and a macy's husky boys department parade right? ( laughter ) i'll let you decide who is the husky boy in that scenario. ( laughter ) but as parades go, new york's st. paddy's day's celebration is the irish mother of them all. it's a five-hour extravaganza down 5 health avenue.
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it's fup for everyone, not everyone. >> organizers for the annual st. patrick's day parade have banned l.g.b.t. groups from marching. >> larry: are you serious? is this-- is this still a thing? i mean, people, this is a parade whose mascot is an effete little man in a green velvet suit and sparkly shoes who flies down rainbows while playing a harp. ( laughter ) i mean, if you're trying stro your parade look butch that gay cruise has sailed, all right. why would they not want to have them? >> parade organizers have long refused entry to gay groups based on religion. >> oh! i thought it was based on homophobia. ( laughter ) didn't know. took a while to get. i don't understand. i thought gays were allowed to march in the st. patrick's day parade back in the early 90s. didn't that go well? >> we're year! get used to it!
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: oh, my god. boo aids? well who would not want to boo aids, i guess. ( laughter ) even aids would boo aids. let's be honest. i technically agree with your words lady. not sure i agree with your spirit. but some 24 years later, and likely after that lady's death, progress. >> for the first time ever, two gay and lesbian groups marched in southie's st. patrick's day parade. >> larry: wow, south boston. man, they used to be wicked prng. i mean that's a place where if you don't greet your ma with a head butt, you're suspected of being a queer. new york finally feeling shame for being behind boston has decided to let one kind of gay group in. >> out at nbc universal will be the first and only gay group to march under its own banner in the parade. >> larry: out at nbc
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universal. that sounds like an attraction at their theme park, right? what does it do, simulate all the thrills and chills of coming out to your parents? aaah! that was scary. that was so real. so why is this nbc gay group the only one allowed in the parade? >> nbc universal is the parent company of nbc new york which airs the parade. l.g.b.t. groups call the inclusion of one group a ploy by parade organizers to hold on to sponsors. >> larry: so nbc is the one airing the parade and the only gay group allowed on the parade works at nbc? this seems like a "scratch my back i'll give you a reach-around" kind of deal. but irish catholics of new york are dug in on this issue. honestly, gays, no offense, but do you really want to be in this thing? i mean people are drinking too much to even notice you marching, and the music sounds like two goats doing the devil's business. ( laughter ) on the other hand, the gay pride parade is a glitter bomb of
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inclusion. ( laughter ) joining me to talk more about this is our new contributor to "the nightly show," david smithyman. welcome, david. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. okay now. now, david you're gay. >> i am. >> larry: oh, and it also sounds like you're australian. >> you're a keen observer larry. >> larry: okay. so you went out to the st. patrick's day's parade. >> di, and a also sat down with andy hum, irish american gay activist. let's take a look. it does seem like a bunch of angry walking-- i'm australian. i'm not even irish. this this is an outside perspective. it looks like everyone's angry dad is dressed up in the suit they got married in and grumpily walk along. why do you want to be in it? >> to make it a more fun parade. >> let's pretend i organized the parade, i'm the boss of parade, so i can't do an irish accept so
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i'm going to do a german accent instead. we'll just go with that. why do you want to join the parade? >> you sound like june bereaut or something. >> i was in character. i can't break it, sir. we'll do-- do-- why do you want to join the parade? >> we would be magnanimous and we will not make fun of irish people because we are irish. >> how much money would it take for you guys to go away. >> we can't be bought. ( laughter ). >> but i have a lot of money. >> unlike you, we stand on principle. >> i stand on gold shoes. ( laughter ) what would you do if you were allowed in the parade? >> it would be-- it might be almost as pouring as it is now but we would just march with our banner. thank you, your majesty. >> you're welcome. reich every other year, these guys would only be able to
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protest the parade, and everyone knows that the key to a good protest is a good sign. so gaelic is pronounced gay-lick for a reason. >> no upon. >> we're here. we're queer, green beer. pretty good, right? >>ic like that, i like it. >> i had to see what this parade was really about for myself. for i celebrating irish heritage. madam please. i tried really hard to get into the spirit of things. lovely sweaters. but maybe it was simpler than i thought. >> i like beer. that's the spirit. >> don't you know it? i'm irish. we drink! that's what we do! ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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( applause ). >> larry: david smithyman, everybody! we'll be right back. good job. introducing, new cheez-it crunch'd! so it's all about "firsts". crunch'd is cheez-it's first ever puffed up crunch made with 100% real cheese. it's the first time cheez-it is in the chip aisle. and it's the first time... [cheese] laughing [cheese] no go ahead. ice bank mice elf. [cheese] laughing ice bank mice elf?
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♪ ♪ i'm almost done. [ male announcer ] now you can pay your bill... ♪ ♪ ...manage your appointments... [ dog barks ] ...and check your connection status... ♪ ♪ ...anytime, anywhere. ♪ ♪ [ dog growls ] ♪ ♪ oh. so you're protesting? ♪ ♪ okay. [ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. available on any device. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. we're talking about allowing gay groups to march in new york's st. patrick's day parade. joining me on the panel tonight: comedian and co-host of the "race wars" podcast, sherrod small. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you, larry!
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founder of the irish l.g.b.t. group "lavender and green alliance," brendan fay. ( cheers and applause ) very, very funny comedian, she's been with us a few times. kathleen madigan. one of our favorites. and comedian and star of the new web series "cop show" on lstudio.com, colin quinn. ( cheers and applause ) so much fun. brendan, i want to start with you because i know you've been protesting this issue a lot, and, you know, just try to relate to us-- as i said my people tend to protest a lot. we've been protesting just trying to not get shot, you're protesting praedz. >> that's right. >> larry: i'm not making a moral equivalence here. just help me to understand why this issue is so important. >> absolutely. well, i'm irish, and i'm gay, and part of our irish tradition is to speak up and stand up against discrimination
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prejudice, and injustice anywhere. and then. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: good. >> actually, the one more thing, more and more praedz all around ireland-- belfast, galway-- there were rainbow flags all around the country in the u.s.-- >> with leprechauns on it. it's already in the the parade. but our parades, we made it up. >> yes, it's a big thing in new york. >> it sound like you're throwing shade on the irish americans. are they irish-ish. >> they call it plastic paddies. >> larry: really? >> i love white on white stuff. >> larry: exactly. irish hate on irish in america? >> of course, they do. >> larry: i don't understand the parade obsession here kind of thing. but to praedz parades is there an
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obligation to include everybody. there's supposed to be a prolife group i would hate to see that float. does the parade have to have everybody in it? >> me? yeah, i'm torn because on the one hand, it does exclude gays. on the other hand, irish people are not sexual people. this is-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) we're just getting use-- we're just adapting to heterosexuality. >> larry: just adapting to heterosexuality. >> it's not like gyrating, skin showing. this is sweaters. old ladies. red faces. log above the legal limit into bag pipes. >> the organizing people their reasoning keeps getting more absurd. anything that starts with "ancient order "you know they're not going to be flexible. it's like wow what are we going up against. >> larry: that's keeping it
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really old school. that's like prerapper's delight old school. >> they use the example, well, if we include the irish gays, we're opening it up. what about puerto ricans. well, no, they're puerto rican gays. they have their own parade. you can't just keep take-- >> in 1998, you know the breakan parade opened up to l.g.b.t. groups. and by the way, we have a nice puerto rican irish connection. ... who actually supported the irish movement for independence. look-- >> you're the only one who knows that brendan. >> larry: you're opening up a whole can of worms. if you're going to have a puerto rican irish day parade, that's a whole new can of worms. >> the puerto rican day parade there is so much spanneddix, you have to have the gays. >> if you're going to open it up st. patrick they claim his
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father is italian and born in london so i say you have to let the italians and english in. >> i'm with the public school here in new york city in brooklyn. i was in a marching band, ps437. we maeched in every parade. we were all black, rifle squad -- >> were you gay? >> for that parade, yes! miss school for a day, i'll be anything. >> larry: most holidays after a while you forget what it is. president's day you buy mattresses. should we just drop the whole irish thing and just focus on beer and green? >> no it's got to be the irish thing. why would you say such a terrible thing, larry? >> larry: that's all you got? >> we're like interspersed into the cult glur yes, you're officially white. >> i agree with colin.
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just the suggestion of it. if we were drinking, we would probably be beating you up now just for saying it. you can't say no more irish. >> larry: no, not more irish people. >> you said no more irish people. i can't believe it. >> larry: i did not say that. okay-- >> you're saying kill irish babies. >> larry: i never said that guys! >> i heard that! >> larry: we'll be right back and we'll see what happens during the break. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: okay. welcome back. it's time for a special st. patrick's day edition of what we like to call "keep it 100". for all you people who don't know what that is it means keep it 100% real. now tonight we're going to have a special question about parades. here's the deal. these are some of the parades here in new york city. you have to get rid of one of them. okay? all right? so we've got the philippine independence day parade. the st. patrick's day parade. korean harvest day parade. nigerian day parade. muslim day parade. and indian independence day parade. greek independence day parade. prakan day parade mexican day, and hispanic day parade. so kathleen, keep it 100. you gotta get rid of one of them. >> no, i'm going to offend
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somebody. >> larry: that's why it's called "keep it 100". >> who are the furthest away? the turkish. >> larry: they're the furthest away? >> they probably can't get here quickly to harm me as other people. >> larry: i feel like you're being a little disingenuous there. i don't know. is boo for the tea or boo for keeping it 100. what do you think? she should get 100? >> tea! >> larry: tea? all right, we'll give both. we'll give you a little shamrock, keep it 100. okay. all right. all right. sherrod. which one? >> i'll give you a tea bag. >> larry: you can't pick turkish. >> i'm ready to pick. nigerian. out. out. >> larry: and why? why is nigerian out? >> they never rescued african americans after slavery. what happened to that? >> larry: there you go. keep it 100.
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shamrock. show the shamrock. that's why you got the tea. >> and for two, boko haram. you can't have parades -- >> larry: you're not getting another one. >> i'll keep it 200. >> larry: brendan you have to keep one. >> what is the hispanic day parade? >> larry: that's what you're picking, great. why are you picking hispanic day parade. >> because the hispanics have the mexicans, do min cans, puerto ricans -- >> oh my god. you're so racist. here, take that. >> we have one day where -- >> okay colin. we have a tea left. >> and we all know the one-- >> go for it col! >> larry: you're starting to get some tea here. >> muslim day parade. >> larry: he said muslim day parade is what he said. why the muslim day parade? >> well, it's the only one left
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on the chopping block and they got hit. that's the way it is. >> larry: are you keeping it 100? >> yes. i was going to saw the hispanic day parade -- >> audience? sorry man, you get the tea. >> tea we're irish! >> larry: we'll be right back. we're going to fight during this commercial right now. come on. [ male announcer ] digiorno? or delivery? ♪ ♪ digiorno? or delivery? taste for yourself
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sherrod small, brendan fay kathleen madigan, and colin quinn. finally tonight, thanks for all the great dares you've tweeted to help us complete our bracket for dare-y wilmore's march badness bracketsball dare-o-mania it's boner time tournament. @iangecko wants to see me go to a furry convention in costume. if number two seed arizona wins it all, i promise i will be there. i have to, right? @futurefreeze1 dares me to poop on a mountain if number one seed villanova wins-- actually, i don't mind that, but i get to pick the mountain. butler is a six seed, so cheer for the bulldogs if you want me to welcome four mimes to the panel. thanks @cjbarresi75. i'll do it! i'll do it! and finally, @lotnorm dares me to "do an entire episode as popeye, complete with costume." that's a solid seven-seed dare. check out the latest bracket online and keep those
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dares coming with #darelarry. goodnightly everyone! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [m

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