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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  June 4, 2015 2:09am-2:39am PDT

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♪don't, don't, don't, don't don't, don't, don't, don't♪ ♪don't bother me, i'm working♪ ♪don't bother me, i'm working♪ ♪don't, don't bother me♪ ♪can't you see?♪ ♪can't you see?♪ ♪i'm working, working, working♪ >> larry: that's our show. i want to thank our panelists. aloha and good nightly everyone. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> sorry.
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comedy central >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on merry olde twitter today! "queen elizabrth has died." ( laughter ) hear ye, hear ye-- long live the queen. the queen is dead! time of death was-- oh strike that. the queen is still alive. my royal bad! that's basically how things went down on twitter today when a bbc journalist got a bit of a false scoop and mistakenly reported the qeeb had gone to the great big throne. her gaffe was picked up by cnn--
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whoops-- no doubt causing them to gasp and shatter their hummel figurines. this is a bit of a mistake. too say someone died when they're the opposite of dead. but, hey. who manhattan us doesn't have a hot news tweet saved up? i keep hoping if i say it out loud enough, that chris will be like, i guess we cast him. i can ( bleep ) do that! i can do that. ( cheers and applause ) comedians what is a major news tweet you already got cued up just ready to break, janet varney. >> internet announces ben affleck best batman ever. >> chris: we don't know yet. could be. felicia day.
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>> the "entrage" movie passed the bechtel test? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> the mcrib is back. >> chris: what? ( cheers and applause ) it's got to be. and now it's time to start "@midnight." ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome to "@midnight." i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: from "the jv club" podcast on the nerdist network & "you're the worst," season two this fall on fxx the wonderful janet varney! ( applause ). >> ring, ring, ring. >> chris: that's a summoning ring. that's not a newsy ring. ( laughter )
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that's a come and get it ring? from the geek & sundry web network, author of "you're never weird on the internet (almost)" available august 11 the talented felicia day! ( cheers and applause ) hear ye hear ye. from "amigo undead," available now on video on demand & itunes, mr. steve agee! ( cheers and applause ) >> good to see you. >> chris: good to see you, too steve. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." ( cheers and applause ) childs of the stars and rapper chet hayes made headlines posting a since-deleted instagram video defending his usage of the n.word. >> i know the majority of you all are not going to get this
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because the history is still so fresh in our country but hip hop isn't about race. it's about the culture you identify with and can't no one tell me what i can't say. >> chris: chet haze is the worst thing tom hanks produced since "bonfire of the vanities." i love when white guys get all "not fair! black people aren't the only group that gets to say the "n" word." yeah, they ( bleep ) are. they are very specifically the only group that gets to say it. sorry, famous actor tom hanks' son. who is the nicest guy in the world, one group can't take something back they forced on to another group. now chet-- or mr. haze-- i don't want to be a forest grump but it's not very big of you to cast away your entitled upbringing and try to make a smash by pretending you're from philadelphia when you're actually from the 'burbs. ( cheers and applause )
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because american americans are in a league of their own-- oh, that doesn't sound right. not that one. not that one. this is why people shouldn't talk about this stuff! he said himself hip-hop is all about the culture you identify with, so, comedians, give chet some suggestions for rap lyrics more appropriate to the culture he grew up around. janet varney. >> yo i sit on a bidet. i don't take no low-class dump. bitch, you paid for this toilet when you went to forrest gump. >> chris: points. ( applause ) felicia day. >> you haters may think i got it all, but my ( bleep ) dad wished i was a volleyball. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: points.
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all right meanwhile in japan, this happened. why, yes, you're correct. that's godzilla being made an official citizen of japan. ( cheers and applause ) i'm glad they're all excited about it. they, of course decided to ignore the billions in property damage and thousands dead and made this radiation baby their official cultural ambassador which i'm sure chet haze identifies with. hoping that this will distract the rest of the world to take it over with their big-eyed cute things and ( bleep ) robotz. stop trying to give me a ( bleep ), japan! i don't need your help! ( cheers and applause )
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comedians, please give me a line from ambassador godzilla's speech to the united nations. janet. >> my first order of business in uniting the world will be to eat kanye. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: points. steve. >> hey, you guys know i'm just a guy in a suit, right? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> no it's godzilla. that's a man. godzilla. that's the end of "rapid refresh. and now it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars." it's been a busy couple of weeks for the online store and nerd heaven known as thinkgeek. thinkgeek which is an amazing place you should visit online. i have many thinkgeek implements
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like the "star trek" pizza cutter and sleeping bag. hot topic was set to acquire it, but then gamestop swooped in and did the deal, giving those goths one more thing to mope about. but if you want to hit on a geek, you can't use just any pickup line. if you say, "are those space pants?" they'll be like, "obviously, they're space pants. i'm an aeronautics major with a minor in planetary sciences." so to help you seal the deal, tonight's hashtag is #geekpickuplines #geekpickuplines some examples might be: what do we say-- wait, what is this ( bleep ) hipster mustache? ( laughter ) ( applause ) i don't want anyone to see it! it is offensive to my people! i'm going to put 60 seconds on the clock and begin. felicia. >> hey, baby my favorite pokemonis lick a tong. >> chris: points. janet.
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>> your place or mine, kraft. >> chris: points. steve. >> my mom made lasagna. >> chris: points. felicia. >> i hope you like aqua man because i want you to take a deep dive in my swamp. pee. janet. >> hi i'm felicia day. >> chris: points. ( cheers and applause ) yes! yes! yes! yes! this is what america needed! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> roll for premature ejaculation. >> chris: damn it! steve. >> i have a room at the hyatt for comic-con. >> chris: that's actually very valuable. that's very valuable to have. yeah. the hyatt's real close to the convention center. that's prime location. yeah, that's good stuff.
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that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #geekpickuplines and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." today's tweet of the day, presented by mcdonalds, is from @abitcontrary. well done! progressive insurance here and i'm a box who thrives on the unexpected. ha-ha! shall we dine? [ chuckle ] you wouldn't expect an insurance company to show you their rates and their competitors' rates but that's precisely what we do. going up! nope, coming down. and if you switch to progressive today you could save an average of over 500 bucks. stop it. so call me today at the number below. or is it above? dismount! oh, and he sticks the landing! okay guys, we've got two cars here. we're going to start watching a movie in the chevy malibu.
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♪ (kids laughing) he's flying ok guys, pause the movie we're going to watch the rest in the toyota camry. hit play again ehhh. what happened? you can't watch the movie. ugh... no network connection. who wants to go back in the chevy malibu? me! let's go! peace out! chevrolet. the first and only car company to bring built-in 4g lte wi-fi to cars, trucks and crossovers. this is cool. yeah.
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see what it means to never settle. try t-mobile risk free for 14 days. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play "crymall." wait a minute, though. ladies and gentleman, it gives me great pleasure to report that our long national nightmare is over because sky mall is back! ( cheers and applause ) we want to honor the most exciting thing to do on a plane if your phone is dead and you don't have a book and you're bored of chewing on your cold
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sore. i'm going to show you a product from skymall.com, and for 250 point i want you to give me a tag line to help sell it. first up, this glow-in-the-dark toilet seat felicia. >> it's like having a rave forever your butt. >> find out what it's like to poop inside tron. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: sorry i asked. i gotta go delete a few bits of information. next one: the statue of marcellus felicia. >> a sketchy guy in your bushes in a classy way. >> chris: yes, yeah. 200 bucks too. ( applause ) clutch: keeper of the mystic orb janet. >> might as well bite. you're not getting laid anyway.
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( cheers and applause ) >> perfect for guarding your glow-in-the-dark toilet seat. >> chris: yes, points. it's time for our next game "lamergate"." the storied annals of video game history are littered with mostly-forgettable movies, tv shows, and celebrities that were once deemed notable enough to be preserved in 8- to 16-bit pixelated form. some of these spin-off games are so bizarre so nonsensical, they make plumbers who take mushrooms to help them kill turtles seem totally reasonable. i'm going to describe two peculiar tie-in games and for 250 points, you're going to tell me which one is real. a "jurassic park" breeding game with explicit dino mating, or a "star wars" dancing game that changes "lean like a cholo" to "i'm han solo" steve agee. >> "jurassic park" breeding. >> chris: you wish. >> or not. probably not.
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>> chris: it's too late! too late! let's take a look. what? you don't know this game? >> i pray that they don't not license things like this in the future. >> chris: yeah, no, this is actually a scene from the "force awakens" i think it's going to be okay. alf-- help the tv alien aimlessly wander around town, or "full house" fighter--the wholesome tanner family fights to the death. felicia. >> it's got to be alf because i was terrified. he looks like a penis. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yes, the correct answer is... >> see? see? >> hey willy, i got a dick for a face!
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>> chris: i have to say though pretty disappointing because this game is so pornographically boring, and the "full house" fighting game would be awesome. what's that? i'm getting word that our digital team has spent literally two minutes mocking that up for us. roll the tape. ( cheers and applause ) we've got to make this guy. my butt hole is sore from sitting on a pile of dough like that. that's the end of "lamergate." it's time for our live challenge boston ruins i'm sure
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you know "fallout 4" is happening now. the trailer dropped today and and tweaked so hard you'd think someone put benedict -- that's enough! okay! i gotta be honest. i love that unironically. i really do. what's more perfect than that. this is the sole of tumblr right here. if you're not familiar with this game, it takes place after the it's so scarce the game takes place in boston, we know that. as a typical bostonian please
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please react to armageddon.
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( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight". before the break, i showed you scenes from "fallout 4" that takes place in post-apocalyptic boston and asked you to react to the end of days as a typical bostonian. let's see what you wrote: >> my god bobby i'm going so radioactive my eyeballs are beaming signals all the way to the ( bleep ) south shore. ( cheers and applause ) >> coming up the entirety of my knowledge of boston it's upside of this is more ( bleep ) yankees!
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>> chris: i'm curious, why would a new york ear. >> i'll tell you, chris i'm from boston boston mass. >> chris: from boston in the 1930s. >> i have 76 trombones. >> gl you're the music man? >> from boston, mass. and i don't like the yankees no sir. >> no, sir. >> chris: steve agee? ♪ you want to go where everybody eats your brains ♪ >> chris: i gotta give steve agee 1,000 points on that one. will give janet and felicia each 500 points as i go to our next game bad casting choices. cameron crowe apologized for casting a lily-white actress as a lily-black character in "aloha," a movie that is in
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theaters for the next few days. emma stone played a delicate asian-hawaiian blend with a strong non-white finish named allison ng. >> unbelievable. >> chris: emma stone, as you may have noticed, is not any of those things. this isn't the first time hollywood has blown it big time with casting. remember when yaphet kotto played paul mccartney? remember when that happened? that was weird. ( cheers and applause ) comedians, i want you to give me as many bad casting choices as you possibly can in 60 seconds. >> me, as someone from boston! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: points. steve. >> stephen hawking as larry the cable guy. ( cheers and applause ) >> it just doesn't work! >> chris: janet.
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>> steve agee as lansters. >> chris: points. felicia. >> paula deen as mada. >> chris: points. janet. >> chet haze as tom hanks. >> chris: points. that is the end of "bad casting choices." janet varney, you're in third place. >> i thought this might happen so i've actually taken poison. >> chris: just to help the poison act faster we'll put it under some red lights. >> okay. >> chris: that means it's time to crack a window. hurry! it's for the win! automated cars are the future and the future is now if you're able to tolerate a turbulent and unpredictable hell ride.
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a new study finds that self-driving cars will cause "often to always." sounds like a great set of wheels: "it causes motion sickness from constantly to even when you're not in the car." there it is. that's what it will be. these things are, obviously, machines plotting against us. comedians text a cry for help as a captor of the self-driving car. we will have your answers and name a winner when we come back on "@midnight." ( cheers and applause ) mmm, red white and blue pancakes. it's patriotism on a plate. i bet washington and jefferson would have eaten these. and at $4.99, that's less than a lincoln. red, white & blue pancakes are back and only $4.99. denny's. welcome to america's diner. only t-mobile has america's best unlimited 4g lte family plan. that's right. the best in the game.
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what really sets it off is i have a hashbrown in here. i'm c.j. and i'm a breakfast defector! ♪ [bong!] ( cheers and applause )
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