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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  June 4, 2015 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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happen. and also we'll answer your questions as well. so here it is your moment of zen. >> i'm seriously considering the possibility of running for president. that's the language that i'm using just for a little bit longer until i make up my captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> larry: tonightly, millions of kids around the nation are graduating. congrats, everyone, welcome to the joyless soul suck of adulthood. also, four people are issued arrest warrants for cheering at a high school graduation. think that's harsh? if you people don't laugh at this joke, you're getting the chair. and the t.s.a.'s bomb detection failure rate is 95% but when it comes to hating humanity,they are crushing it! ( cheers and applause ) so take off your belts and drain your fluids. this is the "nightly show." captioning sponsored by
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comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: such eye great crowd. thank you very much. thank you. i appreciate it. >> larry! larry! >> larry: year very kind. you're very kind. welcome to "nightly show." we have a great show tonight. popeye is on the the show tonight. let's get right to it. hey, it's june. you know what that means? it's graduation time guys. back in the day when i was a senior, my class voted me most likely to dungeonmaster. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. that's right. so congrats to the class of
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2015! congrats. and let me tell you, as exciting as this is for the kids, for parents, this is a time to cheer, right? >> people could be thrown in jail for cheering at a high school graduation. >> larry: thrown in jail? what did they do cheer to create a diversion and rob the auditorium at gunpoint? >> the superintendent asked the crowd not to scream out and to held their applause in the end. otherwise they'd be asked to leave. >> larry: yeah, but they make that announcement at every graduation but nobody listens, right? you always cheer, and the principal's all grumpy about it. it's really the only fun thing that happens at a graduation. waiting for somebody to break that rule, right? and then it's laser pointer airhorn you all go to dinner at bob's big boys.
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it's pretty simple. what exactly did these graduation ruiners yell to potentially land in jail? >> you did it, baby! >> when she went across the stage i called her name out lakaydra, just like that. >> larry: that's it? okay, first of all, my daughter's name lakaydra, and she's graduating high school, you better believe i'm yelling you go lakaydra! i'm yelling it. i'm proud of that. lakaydra made it across. what did lakaydra's fans get charged with reckless parental prize. >> they filed disturbing the peace charges against them. foster said saiz it's far interest ridiculous. he's determined to have order at these ceremonies. >> gl what? what a tight-ass. it's a graduation. people are happy. let people be happy. >> you're doing it, larry! >> larry: hey hey, sir, i'm
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gonna have to ask you to leave, please. >> but i'm happy, larry. you called that guy a tight-ass. >> larry: will someone please arrest this man and get him out of my show, please. get out of here. ( cheers and applause ) >> you said you wanted people to be happy! >> larry: take him away. i want order in my show! no celebration. ( cheers and applause ) okay. our next graduation story takes place in the happy pot-filled hills of colorado. >> you have heard the story of a valedictorian from a colorado high school being barred barred from delivering his graduation speech because in that speech he planned to reveal that he was gay. >> larry: he was barred because he was going to say he was gay? what's going on graduations. you can't shout out. you can't come out. seriously. next thing you know, they're going to want you to wear pants
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under those robes. larry said when speaking about a friend. okay, fine, so douchey principal wouldn't let this valedictorian come out of at the speech. >> they made all the edits they asked me to but i refused to take out the part where i said i was gay because i thought that was the most important part of the speech. >> larry: yeah man. that's what i'm talking about. good for you. ( applause ) okay so, he was going to come out in front of the whole school right? how did evan end up telling his parents he's gay. >> it was mr. bachmann who called evan's parents to tell them he wouldn't be allowed to speak. and it was also mr. bachmann who told his parents their son was gay. >> larry: mr. back man, the principal, he outed his hip to his parents.
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your p.t.a. meeting got pushed back, and your son is gay. gotta run. the principal's job is to open up life's opportunities not to take away one of life's biggest moments. it's a shame this kid didn't get to make a speech about tolerance. it would be a shame not to hear it. which is why i flew him out here. evan young everybody. ( cheers and applause ) evan, welcome to the show. and congratulations on being so brave and taking a stand. we're all so proud of you. ( cheering ) we're going to have you give kind of an abridged version of your speech because we're television. we can't do the whole speech, okay. but it's the speech you were going to give at your
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graduation, and we're going to throw the whole speech on the web. so if anybody wants to see the whole speech, you can see it there. evan, this is a speech you wrote. these are your exact words, right? >> that's right. >> larry: okay, evan young ladies and gentlemen. ( applause ) >> in the word of one of my heroes, stephen colbert -- >> larry: wait, wait! ( laughter ) ( applause ) did you just say stephen colbert? you wrote that? come on man. >> well, yeah it's what's in the text of my speech. >> larry: you can't say that crap on this show man. seriously. who bought you a roundtrip ticket with just one layover? >> you did. >> larry: exactly i did. continue. >> okay. in the word of one of my heroes, larry wilmore. ( cheers and applause ). >> larry: that's a valedictorian, y'all.
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now let's heartpart you refused to change. go ahead. >> all right. since we're never going to see each other again i thought i should share several of my deepest and darkest secrets. first i dislike doing homework. not all homework is bad. sometimes it's helpful. but like the heimlich maneuver you're only supposed to do it when it's absolutely necessary. otherwise you're just going to make children throw up for no reason. i only read about halfway through "crime and punishment" before switching to sparknotes for the remainder of the book. and my biggest secret of all. i'm gay. i understand this might be offensive to some people but it's who i am. ( cheers and applause ) when i was writing this speech i was endlessly debating with myself whether i should reveal this on account of how divisive an issue this is and how gay people tend to be stooptd but i thought if i did i should
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repeatedly explings beg you guys not to think any dinly of me. but then i realized i don't have to. i shouldn't have. if there's one thing i learned at this school it's that we can still be friends even if we profoundly disagree with each other. i have one final go for you. hug someone. that's right, hug someone. students, hug a teacher. democrats, hug a republican. ( laughter ) people who own a gun hug one of those hard liberals who want to snatch it out of your cold dead fingers. techies, hug someone who likes star wars. mel gibson hug a jewish person. ( laughter ) ( applause ) conservative christians hug an agnostic. hug a gay person while you're at it, too. actually, please don't because i don't want to have to huggen here but you get the point. and finally we're at the part you've all been waiting for, the end of the speech. good-bye everyone! i'll miss you. and whatever happens to you wherever we go my only hope is that we'll meet again don't
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know where don't know when. >> larry: evan young, everybody! >> thank you. ( cheers and applause ) you can see the whole speech on the web. check it out. we'll be right back. yeah! ( cheers and applause ) you're all excited to book that vacation flight. plenty of seats to choose from right? buuut the minute you try to use reward miles from your airline credit card... it's slim pickins!
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. now, we learned some very troubling news about airport security this week. >> the acting chief of the t.s.a. being reassigned following an undercover operation that showed 95% of dangerous items getting through security. including weapons and fake bombs. >> larry: come on. why do we have to focus on the negative? they stopped 5% of those fake bombs. why can't you look at the glass one eye dropper full? to help me understand the
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current state of airport security, please welcome airport security expert sally geller. thanks for i don't think us, miss geller. what do you say to people who accuse you of not doing your job? >> larry, in the past week i confiscated 942 bottles of aquafina. don't tell me i'm not doing my job. i got enough water here to solve the damn california drought. >> larry: okay. all right, i understand. but is focusing on water keeping us safe? listen to this traveler describe how his mother got her water confiscated. >> my mom who is 76 years old and she said i need a little water to take my pills. no, throw it out. >> some old ladies lie, larry. laugh you can't believe people just because they are wrinkley.
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>> larry: hold on no no, no. she needed her medication. why wouldn't you let her keep her water? >> who's to say she wasn't going to throw that water in the pilot's eyes and hijack that plane to copacabana. or maybe it wasn't even water. maybe it was that tine might wile e. coyote gets from the acme company. >> there's no such thing as dynamite jies joost. the t.s.a. missed the weapons and fake bombs. >> listen to yourself-- they were fake bombs. that's why i let them through, stupid. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> larry: okay, all right. >> if it was a real bomb, maybe i'd have stopped it. >> larry: another i get it, i get it. but it was a test. you were supposed to look out for that kind of thing.
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>> larry i can do whatever i want! sir, take your pants off now? >> larry: wait, wait a minute. why are you contingent someone to take their pants off? >> calm down, larry. i know these rules might seem odd to a civilian like you, someone without an extremely high level of security training. but we got this covered. >> larry: okay. i-- i see what you're saying. that there's a methodded to this, right, that you don't upon to reveal. you're playing chess and the terrorists are playing checkers, right? >> yeah i don't follow sports, larry. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but let me tell you this-- if a terrorist ever gets past me, he ain't getting past me with any water. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah. he's going to die of thirst because i'm taking that water! >> larry: okay. sally, galley, this is absolutely not helpful at all.
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i'm still frightened to fly. >> good, that's how we do. ( cheers and applause ) oh, oh, i gotta go. that old lady, i think she's carrying some water! hey! that wheelchair ain't fooling nobody! >> larry: no, no, no. security expert sally galler ladies and gentlemen, we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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york," angie martinez. and comedian and host of the aptly named new quiz show "boom," premiering on fox june 25 the very funny tom papa. ( cheers and applause ) let's get to it. so caitlyn jenner has been making a lot of buzz lady late-ly-- >> no. >> larry: yes, it's true. and-- it's all over everything facebook. everybody is talking about it. espn is awarding this year at their espy's arthur ashe courage award to caitlyn jenner, and it's funny how people get mad at that. i don't understand. some say the war should have gone to an iraq war vet or basketball player who died of cancer that there has to be a courage-off, something like that. i personally think no matter what the motivation behind it it's great. doing all that in front of people. >> yes. >> larry: it's a great thing.
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( cheers and applause ). >> you don't lose body parts for attention. you may do other things. you may marry, date somebody for attention you may do things like that but changing who you are, your identity and affecting the kids the way it has. >> larry: it's even deeper than changing. the people that people were understanding it's not even changing. it's revealing. >> right. for espn for their award sports. i know there are a lot of young people that don't know bruce jenner was an athlete. so it's brave. what would be really brave is if like, lebron showed up at the play-offs in heels. >> that would be amazing! >> heels and falsie and be like, "yeah, people, deem diehl it it." >> i would so tune in. >> i can't tell you guys -- >> i pray you never run into lebron james. >> i can't tell you guys how important my penis is to me. >> really? >> yeah! it is very important to me. >> i'm the only one here without
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a penis. >> yeah. ( cheers and applause ) >> you don't know that. ( laughter ) >> i'm not ready! i'm not ready today! you cant force me! >> larry: i have to learn not to ask. >> was that applause pro vagina or anti-penis. >> pro vagina. ( cheers and applause ) >> pro you-- >> back to your penis. >> my peen sis so important to me if someone cut off their peen nis the name of happiness ( bleep ), that's amazing. un what i mean? >> he hasn't cut it off right? >> it hasn't been confirmed that he's postop yet. >> larry: part of the issue that this brings up is that's really none of our business right? >> sure.
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( cheers and applause ). >> they're kind of making everything our business. >> larry: i think this part is like, none of our business. but this part is the part that people are going "oh." >> to me that's the bravest thing if you want to talk about bravery. it's not that he decided to become a she. it's that the at 60-whatever you are in cantily clad lingerie and showing everyone your chicken negand baggy knees. i mean, to me this is not a thing about gender. this is not a thing about any-- it's just about old people keep your clothes on! why? why are we talking about sex with old people? i just got-- i just got past dealing with telling my kids what these veered viagra ads were doing the super bowl. now i have to tell them these
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old people are coming and taking their clothes off. >> larry: she's traigd a whole new brand of uncomfortable living room commercial watching. >> that is undeniable. >> absolutely. you're just going to come walking around-- that's going to be the next thing all these old people going, "just deal with it people." and i think-- i think everybody transgender, everybody is gog unite at that part and go, hell no. >> she's probably been waiting so long, though, to wear things like that, that she finally had her moment and she just wore everything-- >> it's hard to live one life but living two lives. you know what i mean? i lived closeted for a long time. >> really. >> how long? >> for 28-some-odd years. >> can i tell you something i learned. i learned this yesterday spooking to somebody who does transgender rights. transvestite is a straight man-- i was asking the difference between transsexual transgender, and transvestite.
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a transvestite is a straight man who likes to wear his wife's-- >> when you watched him come out in the interview was there a part of you, after being in the closet for that long-- >> i got it. i got it. i think it's kind of funny, l.g.b.t., we're not really connected. i don't have that much in common with someone who wants to transition to the other sex but the feeling -- >> i always thought "b" was riding the coast tails of "l" and "g." >> they just want everybody. you ever see the bisexuals at the gay it pride parade. there are always like four bisexuals like, "we're here." >> but the feeling, the feeling of living with this thing. it's hard to live one life, and you're doing a double life? >> larry: do you think there's a right way to can out? like, some people think that way of coming out maybe it's too big. and we had the kid, you know, where the principal calls the house and comes out.
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do you think it's okay for someone else to out somebody? because the advocates used to do that type of thing. >> actually, i have a list-- >> that's terrible. don't do it. >> i have a list of people -- >> you want to out? you said you wouldn't do this. >> i have a list of gay people-- oh, i'm sorry these are just republican presidential candidates. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: all right, we'll be right back. we'll talk about more of this. ( cheers and applause )
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you think he's having a party? honey. you're always so suspiciou s. i guess you're right. there's no bright lights or music. just ignore them. tostitos cantina chips? it's not just a party! it's a fiesta grande! right, claire? claire? ♪ vo: nothing brings people together like
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tostitos cantina chips. tostitos. bring the party. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] give extra. get extra. >> larry: that's our show.
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i want to thank our panelists, dave rubin, angie martinez, tom papa, and evan young. good it's 11:59, 59 second, this happened on instagram google is developing yet another terrifyingan. this time one that will count the call wrees in your instagram food pics as aned added bonus any photos you take at the buta gump shrimp company will start the #bubba gump dump. someone start that please i'm working right to you i can't it's up to you. when it is released the app will be an exciting new way to feel bad about yourself some more. innovative ways so you can he positi

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