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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  August 10, 2015 9:22am-9:57am PDT

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-- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com comedy central from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) ♪ >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart! (cheers and applause) tonight a young gentleman by the name of j. j. abrams will be joining us! (cheers and applause) i'm very excited to talk to him. before we do that, let's take a trip back in time. (laughter)
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join me, won't you? the year was 2012. "lincoln" taught america slavery was bad. carly rae jepsen suggested we call her, but made it clear we didn't necessarily have to. (laughter) and the republicans took an old-fashioned electoral clobbering, when the guest c.g.i. artist available could not muster a lifelike version of mitt romney. it was the worst news for republicans since 2008 when they tried to defeat obama with the world's angriest man and what turned out to be six medium-clever raccoons stacked like a human woman. (cheers and applause) but you know what they say -- never trust raccoons in a pantsuit? no! you know what they say, failure is a learning experience.
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>> the fundamental problem we're trying to address is actually having people in the community to make the case to hispanics and to women. >> the perception that we're the party of the rich, unfortunately, continues to grow. >> focus groups described our party as narrow-minded, out of touch and, quote, stuffy old men. >> jon: continuing... "shriveled angry mummies, writhing, almost hypnotized under a billionaire money fundy shower, raining war and destruction throughout the hemispheres. (laughter) that's all. really. so the self-diagnosed problem with the republicans in 2012 with you their image, rich, out
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of touch, old men, alienating latinos and women. they have been working to fix that. next -- >> donald trump is the clear leader of the republican pack, make no mistake. 20% of republicans back donald trump, 7% ahead of his closest rivals. (cheers and applause) >> jon: yes! the living embodiment of everything reps were trying to exorcise from their party just escalated down on their parade. >> i'm really rich. the total is $8,737,540,000. when mexico sends its people, they're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists. she wanted to breast pump in front of me, and i may have said that's disgusting. i may have said something else. i thought it was terrible. she's a horrible person --
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(laughter) >> jon: how's that outreach going to latinos and women again? (laughter) i'm sure trump was only disgusted about breast feeding. i'm sure it was the first time he realized, whoa, boobs can do that? boy! that's the craziest thing i ever saw. (laughter) thrump is even worrying the g.o.p.'s most important constituents, the six horsemen of the cash apocalypse who campaign the finance campaigns. >> republican donors are getting worried about how things are going in the republican party. >> the investors are worrying about the damage he's doing on the debate stage. >> jon: trump is a rich, crazy, egotistical monster!
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people like him are supposed to buy the candidates, not be them! (laughter) in our system of government, one branch has the money, and the other branch does what the one branch with the money tells them to do! he's screwing the whole pooch! (laughter) but even if the rnc can't control the candidates or their message tore the voters, or the irrational, emotional desires ruling the voters, one thing they can control. >> we need to control the debates, the party needs to control the debates. >> the republican thunderdome. top ten candidates from the five most recent national polls will make the main stage. >> it is still anyone's j. j. abrams as to who exactly will take the stage. >> they're trying desperately to boost the poll numbers. >> so who gets a spot? >> jon: will it be you? (laughter) you should stop watching and check the polls just in case one
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of your friend put your name in as a prank and you're now doing better than lindsey graham. (laughter) (cheers and applause) so... they're going to choose based on the polls. but what do you do when, i don't know, the last four qualifying spots for your debate are locked within a statistical tie within the margin of error of your polls? >> if you're in the top ten in the polls, you're in, if not, you're out. >> fox, hosting the debate, hasn't revealed precisely which polls it wil it will use to deco is on stage. >> they'll look at the polls and roger ailes will pick whoever he wants. at least that's what he told me in our secret meeting... (laughter) (cheers and applause)
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big problem for the republicans seem to be that they want their candidates to be civil and more accessible to minority outreach but the only way to get more noticed and qualified for the ebaits is to take on the cheet-o, dust-faced elephant in the room. >> if my numbers go up just because i call donald trump a jackass -- i mean, that's not why i want to rise in the polls. >> right. >> jon: i don'.>> jon: i don't e judged by my impertinent language spoken harshly to a yankee finance year and scallywag! i want to be judged by the puritity of my lineage and my family's sweet tea recipe! and let me tell you this, the secret ingredient is -- sugar! how far has trump lowered the
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discourse in six weeks since he cannonballed in the race. >> would you join the effort to inspire a more civil way of making points if they drift off the civility reservation, let's don't immediately communicate that to them -- >> jon: that from a guy who not only backed a candidate with a name synonymous of something you don't want to know but considers this a civil way of discussing women's health care. >> in my days they used bayer aspirin for contraceptives, the gals put it between their knees. >> jon: ahhh! well, just be thankful that most of the older republican donors only shoot cobwebs and dust partials. seriously, every time he ejaculates, it's like open ago very old book. (laughter) now, mr. chairman -- (applause) mr. chairman, did you ever consider that maybe the g.o.p.'s
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problem isn't hostile moderators or a liberal media or too many debates or not enough spanish language leaflets? maybe the problem is registered republicans in their honestly appraisal of the state of our nation, the issues most important to them and the 17 competing visions of america's future offer have decided this is what they like. >> they're rapists -- >> jon: get out now! the call is coming from inside ♪ [hero female] we're all familiar with this: axe daily fragrances, which comes in a black can. but what you wouldn't have seen is this, axe dry spray anti-perspirant. it goes on dry and keeps you dry with no visible residue. why are you touching your armpit? i was just checking to see if it was dry. [hero female] don't, that's weird.
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: wackum back to the program! thank you for joining us. now that my run here is coming to an end -- >> awww! >> jon: really? i want to talk about some of the passions i have and some of the things i want to plan upon my departure. the first thing i'm going to be
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doing is i have gotten myself a turntable and a microphone -- actually, it's a turntable with a built-in microphone, you can turn it like that. i haven't bought all the equipment yet, but when i do, i'm going to remix some bass reverb -- let me turn this up. >> hey, stewart, i'm back! >> jon: oh, no! wwe world champion and poster child for the authorities seth rollins what are you doing? >> don't play dumb, stewart you know why i'm here. >> jon: going to break my nose like john cena's the other night on the raw? is that what this is? >> not a bad idea, but, no, that's not it, stewart. i'm here to call you out for the corporate monkey that you really are!
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(audience reacts) >> jon: so you have seen wrestling... (laughter) i'm the corporate monkey? >> mm-hmm. >> jon: really? because i just bought my son seth rollins sunglasses to go along with his so the so the coozie, bracelet and sandals! >> wait, i have sandals? >> jon: yes. hey, screw you, stewart! you sit there in your fancy chair and your fancy suit and you pretend to be a man of the people... the truth is you will do anything to appease the corporate overlords. (audience reacts) >> jon: i've got this! but, hey -- but, hey, that's actually kind of what i love about you, stewart. you don't sell out, you buy in. m♪ >> jon: it's time for "the daily show" ebola update brought to you by arby's -- arby's.
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see? a lot of things cause diarrhea. a joke brought to you by michaels, michaels, the godless (bleep) with yarn. panda express -- when you need panda meat and fast. loews hardware, brought to you by mace. mace, when someone standing in front of you and you want them to move, brought to you by sky-be-days, you work hard but your paint shouldn't have to. hheherpes like congress on your dick. go pro, what does your cat do all day? arby's, the meal that's a dare for your colon.
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arby's, come for the tweets. run from the meat. arby's, why not challenge your stomach to a fight? arby's, isn't there anywhere else we can eat? when you're wondering what it tastes like when a cow dies. the hannity of roast beef sandwiches. technically, it's food. you think pain and grief are hard to digest. arby's. jon stewart cannot destroy a brand by telling people what's in it. cheese! (cheers and applause) >> jon: thank you, that was very kind of you to do that. oh, hey,set, remember the time ill kicked you in the balls on live television? >> yeah, actually, i do, and i'm going to kick your ass for that. not now, your stupid little show didn't pay me that much, right? >> jon: seth rollins, we'll be right back.
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booking.com booking.yeah! (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome my j. j. abrams tonight, a writer, director, producer, latest film he produced is called "mission: impossible - rogue nation." (revving engines) ♪ >> jon: i've got to tell you, that is h his real hair, i'm convinced. welcome to the program, j. j.
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abrams! (cheers and applause) middl♪ >> jon: enjoy. nice to see you. >> jon: nice to see you. that's a beautiful tie. >> thank you. >> jon: unusual design but i like it very much. >> thank you very much. >> jon: do you have an abrams collection? >> i don't know where it came from. i don't know. >> jon: i can tell you where it came from, a sweetshop in malaysia. you are terrible! (laughter) no, i made that up. you produced "mission impossible." this is the fifth one in the series. so let's talk about "star wars." (cheers and applause) i'm a fan, not just of the series of yours, and i'm excited to see what you do with this. tell me right now everything.
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everything that happened and if there are hobbits in it, which would be the greatest thing ever. >> i will answer that question, but i first need to say, please, that -- >> jon: please. no, you. i've got to say this. here i am, honored to be on your show. >> jon: you have been on before. >> but this is your last show, isn't it? >> jon: no, no, next week. so the hole that is going to be left behind is going to be seismic, massive. (applause) >> jon: you know what will fill it? >> what's that? >> jon: other television, including your show. >> no, honestly, the narrative you helped give us about how to navigate the madness that is this world cannot be overstated. >> jon: thank you, very kind of you. (cheers and applause) >> let me tell you something...
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>> jon: i really was just trying not to get fired. (laughter) have you ever been fired from a job? has that ever happened to you? >> well, as a writer, i have been replaced. they don't really fire you, you just don't get calls anymore and you're, like, i guess i'm not working on this anymore. >> jon: in our world, that's called being fired. (laughter) but what about before that when you -- were you a guy that took a job, stuck with a job, did well with a job, was well-liked and respected at the restaurant or wherever it was you were working? >> you know, when i was working -- i worked at stores and restaurants and ice cream, but i would goof off with people and insult them by mistake and -- >> jon: and get fired. yeah, and get fired. but i always liked have been jobs because i always felt like i had a purpose. >> jon: this star "star wars" tg has me so excited i don't know what to do with myself. >> i'm so glad.
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>> jon: i hear its focus is almost entirely on george r. banks. (laughter) tell me about his journey. >> his journey? >> jon: (laughter) (laughter) >> jon: can i ask you seriously? >> yes. >> jon: harrison ford is in this. so excited. (applause) but i'm watching, he was flying a plane solo or something -- >> yeah. >> jon: -- and had to ditch it on amelia earhart island or crashed it into a factory and walked away as it blew up behind him? >> the guy is like a real-life superhero. he should have the logo above his name. we were filming a team and there was an accident on set, there was a hydraulic door and he was pushed down and his ankle goes 90 degrees, and he's down there toughing it out. he's a super human being. he's literally lying there making jokes.
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this there are is down and i'm trying to lift it up -- because that's the kind of guy i am -- (laughter) -- and i feel a pop in my back and i go, that's weird. so i go to the doctor and i had broken my back trying to lift the door. >> jon: you broke your back! and then i have this back brace on. harrison ford comes across the stage, sprints at me faster thanly ever run, and he's, like, hey, j. j.! i'm, like, hi, harrison ford! so i felt like the most jewish director ever -- (laughter) he's, like, a miracle man and i'm, like, excuse me, could you be more evil? (laughter) >> jon: what happened first, the plane crash or this thing?
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>> the plane crash is recently. by the way, he was injured there, too. he went to com con and he comes out on stage. >> jon: he's unbreakable. your back -- >> i'm fine. >> jon: when you were telling us, nobody noticed you were wearing a back brace? your co-workers couldn't be, like, j. j.'s getting fat. >> no, it's like spanks, they keep you together. i felt a little bit like i was on bay watch. (laughter) >> jon: can i say something? yeah. >> jon: that pleases me. (laughter) it's so nice -- can i say thank you so much for coming and being a part of our last little run here. you know what a fan i am of your work and you as an individual. my pleasure to have you. "mission: impossible - rogue nation" in theaters friday!
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all: milk! milk! milk! milk! milk! okay! fun's over. aw. aw. ♪ thirsty? they said it would make me cool. they don't sound cool to me. guess not. you got to stick up for yourself, like with the name your price tool. people tell us their budget, not the other way around. aren't you lactose intolerant? this isn't lactose. it's milk. ♪
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>> jon: that's the show, everybody! (cheers and applause) remember, next week is our last week. we've got amy schumer, denis leary, we're going to have a ball and i can't wait to show my appreciation for all the support and enthusiasm you've given the show all these years. thank you so much. next week, tune in, going to be a ball. here's your moment of zen. >> i'm curious as to what you
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think about potentially not having a place in the debates. we had a pretty interesting conversation -- >> i think it sucks. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> larry: tonightly, we are previewing the first debate of the 2016 election. it's debate eve! and i can't wait to see what kind of crazy (bleep) santa trump leaves in my stocking. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: also, a uva study reveals that cool kids peak too soon. now the authors of the study are now working on their next project, it's titled what does a booby feel like. >> and lenny kravitz exposes his junk to an audience of thousands. and also his penis fell out. this is the nightly show! let's do this!

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