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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  November 2, 2015 10:01am-10:32am PST

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he tweet ited a photo that was supposed to show a terrorist rejoicing but it was from . >> larry: tonightly paul ryan says he'll only serve as speaker of the house if he can spend more time with his family. working women of the world, finally someone can say family leave isn't-- . >> authorities say the suspect behind black church burnings in the ferguson area is under a lot of stress. you want stress? try being a black person in the ferguson area. that's stress. >> and the new york mets are going to the world series! (cheers and applause) yes, man!
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they have a good month to be a big headed caricature in new york these days. it's time for the nightly show. let's do this! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central . >> larry: yeah! thank you very much. welcome to the nightly show. i'm larry wilmore. man, i'm so excited. we have such a great shoavment i am so excited, i can just slide right across this stage. (laughter) (cheers and applause). >> larry: that's how excited i am. lucy lawless on the panel
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tonight. i'm a huge fan. huge fan. hey, guys, first of all, how about those mets! (cheers and applause). >> larry: pretty good. i would say, though, i would say the mets going to the world series is not what is amazing to me. you know what is amazing to me? this. a friend of mine who is a huge mets fan had a tv show. one could call it fake news, if you will. he suffered every year about those mets on national television. and as americans, we shared his grief. (laughter) then a brother gets a tv show and he decides to move out of the television neighborhood. it's okay. didn't hurt my feelings at all, all right. but you left a little too soon, didn't you? didn't you. three months. three months is all you had to
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wait. and you could have been saferring this moment in front of everybody. any how, good luck to you missing the world series, brian williams. (laughter) all right. who did you think i was talking about? all right. so it looks like-- oh, like paul ryan is slated to be speaker of the house. but before ryan said-- said yes to the dress, i mean to the job, i'm sorry, he came out with a bunch of demands. two of them really stood out. >> we as a conference should union fie now and not after a di vicive speaker election. >> larry: all right. i guess he is saying i will run, but you got to promise me i'll win. doesn't want the old bait and switch i guess. that is how the ways and means committee lied and said it would be a king tut and sluts party and only he showed up in costume. so embarrassing.
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you do not want to be the only one in costume at a tuts and sluts party. and the other demand was. >> the last point is personal. i cannot and i will not give up my family time. >> larry: all right, paul ryan, that's admirable. you know what, i am a not the only one who things so. >> that comment about his family time was, wonderful. >> larry: wow. man, mika is excited. and she's completely dead inside from using thinking joe scarborough is interesting. that's ssmght it's impressive is all i'm saying. but this is will koo, paul ryan is standing up for work-life balance. it's a nice thing. sheryl sandberg, the author of lean in which gave a lot on this issue, gave him a shout out and lean in award of the day on her facebook page yesterday. so i mean, that's good stuff. okay, everybody, on to our next
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story. no, this is-- there is an asteroid the size of the empire state building hurtling towards the earth which makes sense. we do have a black president so this has been predicted, right? (laughter) okay. >> excuse me. >> larry: you know what i am saying, right. >> larry, sorry to interrupt. >> larry: hey t is dre, our director, our director dre, everybody. (applause) i'm going to do the met yor story. what's going on, dre? >> you skipped the takedown of paul ryan. you forgot to point out that he is a total hypocrite. >> larry: what? oh, oh, my bad. i must have-- i must have skipped a page in my script. thanks, dre, i didn't know. >> no problem. >> larry: oh, here we go. i'm sorry. all right. paul ryan is completely full of [bleep] (cheers and applause) all right? and here's why.
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>> time reports on congressman paul ryan accused of hypocrisy. this week ryan said if he were to serve as house speaker he would not give up spending time with his family. in 2009 he voted against providing paid leave, family leave to federal workers. >> larry: that's not the only hypocrisy. that is not the only hypocrisy. you can't complain you don't have enough time to spend with your kids while bragging about how much time you spend at the gym. the speaker of the house doesn't need to shred his delts and burn his glutes, you're a dad. be like the rest of america, be content with your dad bod. now go see your [bleep] kids, all right? (applause) and as chairman of the house budget committee his budget got much of its savings by cutting programs that helped poor people like child care subsidies. now in his defense that isn't hypocrisy, that is just being
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consistent. oh, republicans. you never let me down when it comes to letting me down. (laughter) what are you going to do. okay. so speaking of reliable letdowns, there is news out of ferguson. >> police have stepped up patrols after a wave of possible arson attacks on churches. they happened in predominantly african-american neighborhoods. six fires were set over the last two weeks. >> larry: the last two weeks? now no one was hurt in these feels by jesus, ferguson, black churches? i mean first of all, everybody knows black churches are the worst place to start a fire. with old ladies fanning themselves all the time, right? they're just feeding those flames. and then they get hotter. and then there's more flames. and then they fan harder. its t just goes on and on. i think the technical term is "blackdraft." now i'm neither a crime dog for
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a fire bug but my hunch tells me this might have something to do with the fact that they're black churches. >> this morning arson investigators will be on the scene of another church fire in the st. louis area. the latest fire is at the shrine of st. joseph catholic church it is the seventh since october 8th. >> larry: another one. okay, come on guys. can we call this a racist attack now? >> the congregation is predominantly kaw kaition. >> larry: and by racist, i mean it's not racist. okay. kind of jumped to the conclusion. this is an important lesson. when it comes to a string of black church fires, always wait long enough to see if a white church shows up. you never know. look, obviously this guy is crazy. any attack on a church is horrible, okay. maybe this is a case of a stressed arsonist who really hates christians, i don't know. you know, this might sound odd but maybe we are a little bit
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excited that this isn't racism? yay? i mean we'll take what we can get with ferguson. all right. for some perspective on these church fires we go to traveling racial activist elijah dikerson. (applause) >>s what he up larry. >> larry: hey, elijah. so you are i traveling racial activist. >> yes, i am, whenever racial injustice occurs i pack my suitcase and go, brother. i'm at all this evil racist stuff. >> larry: but about the white church being burned, you know, we kind of have to take racism off the table on this case. >> oh no, i'm putting it back on the table. as a matter of fact, i'm putting it back with a beautiful centerpiece and the good silverware, one white church doesn't kownlt out racism. >> larry: but elijah, that doesn't make sense. it obviously isn't racist if white churches are being burned as well. >> don't be silly, larry. what et abouter way for a racist
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to throw us off his scent than by take throwing-- taking town one of his own churches. come on! come on! >> larry: no, i don't-- okay. but what if it is simply a case of someone against christianity. >> don't you sell out on me now, man. >> larry: i'm not, i'm not! >> an even if it was a christianity thing, which it is not, everybody knows jesus was a black man. (applause) >> come on. hey hating jesus is racist as hell. >> larry: all right, i think i follow you. okay, but what about the authorities who say that arsonist is someone who is maybe stressed in their life. >> of course they're stressed, larry. it's a stressful time for white folks right now. confederate flags are going down, all their baseball teams are losing. mythbusters just got cancelled. >> larry: mistbsers. >> mythbusters man, serious business, they are out here belowing off steam with some good old church burning.
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>> larry: okay, i guess i haven't thought this through. but look, i still think you could be jumping to conclusions on the racial front. how can you even be sure a white person is doing this. what if the arsonist turns out to be black. >> why it got to be a black man, larry. why are you getting all raitionz. why does a brother have to start a fire. >> larry: well, you were. >> i don't see color, larry. >> larry: all right, traveling racial activist elijah diker son, everybody. we'll be right back. now, let's talk about lancaster. classic caramel reimagined into buttery rich creams. so surprisingly soft, they melt in your mouth, while you sit back and say, "wow." lancaster,caramel reimagined. and there's actor jaleel white. and wax museum urkel. it's weird they're hanging out, but dual zone automatic climate control keeps one toasty and the other from melting. and the 7 inch touch screen display audio system drowns out that canned laughter.
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i'm s(ding)g. we've been compromised! don't let hunger kill your game. hot pockets brings you new snack bites. bite-size hot pockets sandwiches with 100% real cheese. guys, i'm back! new snack bites from... (ding) ♪ hot pockets! >> larry: welcome back. as the days shorten and the leaves begin to fall trk soanl natural for thoughts to occasionally drift towards more tallity and how we're using our precious time on this earth. at least that seems to be the case with our own nightly show krict ericy velez am so join me once again on a trip to rickey's world.
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>> i have a bucket list. and i'm 26. and people think that's odd. but it's not weird because they don't know that my family, men die young. a few years back i got in a car accident. a year after that i had to have hernia surgery. and then after that i got hit by a cab. i realized i can die at any moment. plus i smoke and i eat taco bell. you don't realize how dangerous a breakfast burrito really is. bottomline s i need to get my bucket list started today, okay. that's called being smart. first thing on my list is i want to make it to 27. yeah. hope that happens. second thing on my bucket list, go see where my grandparents were born. number three, i want to learn how to do a back flip. it seems doable. number four is i want to go looting. growing up my parents were wheel strict. i never got to rebel or anything. so i think now that i'm older, time to loot. looting looks like a lot of fun. it looks like an extreme version of supermarket sweep. and i love that show.
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people suck at looting. they are awful. every time i see people looting, diapers and cap ree suns. what? you don't even have kids. me and my boys, we're going to loot the pet store. no one does that. it's the place to go. my boy ray ray, you wanted a par rot, just go down get him a par rot. he's a drug dealer. you ever see a drug deal we are a par rot. it's a little less intimidating. me, i'm going to loot some puppies. i think they're great. loot some puppies run through the hood, cops try to stop me, stop that man slm oh, no, that's adorable. let them go live. let's knock one of these things offer my bucket list right now. welcome to my world, i'm rickey
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velez. >> larry: thanks, rickey. and you better return those puppies. we'll be right back.rma. checking your credit score is for chumps. i have great credit. how do you know? duh. you know those change, right? tattoos don't change. try credit karma. it's free and you can see what your score is right now. aren't you a little bit curious? i just got my free credit score! credit karma. really free credit scores. really free. i have got to update my ink. this november, your nfl loyalties will be tested. with $500,000 guaranteed every week... who's your team? game time gold starts november 3rd at mcdonald's.
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don't get voted out of the tv gossip. be part of the conversation. with all the latest episodes of your favorite reality shows, xfinity on demand let's you catch up and keep up with fall tv. >> welcome back. i'm here with my peanl, very funny come easyian bonnie mcfarlane and new book if the raindrops united in bike store, comedian and author judah
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friedlander. and her new show, ash versus evil dead premiers on starz on halloween at 9 p.m actress lucy lawless. and for everyone at home, go to twitter@nightly show, hashtag tonightly. we were talking about this earlier. representative paul ryan announced that one of his preconditions for running for speaker of the house is he needs to make time for his family. but i feel that if a woman running for speaker of the house said we need to make sure we have time for my kids, do you think we would hear a-we. >> she would be getting a pat on the head, good girl, get back in. they would be like you should spend time with your kids and just stay there. and then, yeah. >> is that how you feel about real work. >> and while you're there, make us a sandwich. >> yeah, i am bitter. >> i'm angry about that. >> congress is harsh.
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>> i know. i don't know. >> it seems like-- i always feel like when a man takes on a roll that is usually for women he gets the a-w. when a woman takes on the characteristic traditionally for men like ambition, people are like what's wrong with her. >> i disagree. what about when men become cheerleaders like george bush, one of our greatest presidents. he was a cheerleader at yale and people make fun of him for that he was just trying to have some school spirit, you know? >> one of the greatest male cheerleaders this country's ever had. why doesn't the country acknowledge that. >> i think you're right. >> other than cheerleading and being a mother and nursing, how many other tra ditionzally female roles are. there like this is what we're stuck with? we might want to bust out and do something else. we might want to be c.e.o. of-- well, we won't talk about carly fiorina. >> or a night time talk show host. >> yeah.
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>> yes larry, let an american talk for a second. >> we have canada and the canada of australia here tonight. >> canada, and the canada of australia. >> i'm just kidding. i love canada. and i love new zealand. >> yes. >> being very nice. >> can i just say i think when he says-- when a guy says family time i think it's code for golf or. >> really? >> or in this case, p90x. >> maybe it's mistress or gay lover too, you never know. >> that is something. >> what do you think is harder on their own, like are men harder on guys who say they want to stay home? because men will give other guys [bleep] for that or are women harder on other women who say they are not going to be home with their kids. >> are you kidding, men are high fiving one another over that. >> about staying home. >> so you and the old lady is going to be earning for you.
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sweet bro. >> do you get to hang out at the park. with all the hot mums and have play dates. well. >> is that how we sound. >> i don't know. >> i don't know if i agree with that i'm a stay away dad. so-- but you know. >> a stay away dad. >> i have like 90 kids. >> oh wow. >> women are always telling me, we have a child. i'm like no, you do. >> to be fair, it's a. >> i'm like, you touched it last. it's yours. >> do you think will are some jobs that we feel are just too demanding for people to even make that request? like if they are going to be maybe president, i mean, i don't know if you can say look, you know, sorry but i need half a year off because my kid is on-- i can't do this white house [bleep] all year long. >> have i a daughter and she is my world. she's my everything.
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she's like five or eight or something like that. and no, i love her so much. on the weekends. >> when was the last time you saw her. >> i saw her in profile just recently. >> that's good. >> but it is,-- i think sometimes you want to find a balance between home and work and sometimes, you know, it's like the stress-- you want to get away from the stress and the demands and the boring conversations, and go to work, you know. you don't want to spend all that time at home. >> but for real, your daughter is hilarious. i mean. >> is she really. >> yeah, you bring her to the comedy club sometimes. >> i do, every day is bring your kid to work day. >> bonnie's daughter how to do this, i taught her how to do that. >> i have a feeling this is a true story. >> i have a feeling you're not making that up. >> don't say anything else or i won't have her much longer. >> larry: lucy, i warchlt to ask you, you have been working
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forever. are you my favorite cylon, by the way. now what is hollywood's attitude. because you have a family, right. has it been tough raising a family and having your pretty great career at the same time? >> well, not at the same time. >> larry: you have to seksz it off. >> yeah, hollywood's attitude is we don't give a [bleep] if you have a child. you get to work and do your warrior princesses. i want a baby. hi a baby. i had a baby, on monday i'm at work, bouncing, bouncing. on the monday they made me jump off a box, with a landing, i thought my womb was going to drop. >> you had to do stunt work right after you had a baby. >> you really are a warrior princess. >> hollywood is heartless. what can i tell you. >> but that's the american way. we have really strong women in this country who can-- they can
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do that. they can give birth and then do stunt work the next day. and you did it too because you're a winner. >> larry: and she's a cylon. she could have cylon number three stay at home and number 8 go to work. >> i was just going to say that men should be careful because really what is happening is that women are able to do everything. we're killing it at work. and then we're taking care of the house and raising these healthy kids. and pretty soon men are tbing to be on sol let. if we ever figure out how to pay for our own dinner and drinks, you guys are history. >> what? >> larry: all right, we'll be right back. go to the night low i'm starving. (ding) we've been compromised! don't let hunger kill your game. hot pockets brings you new snack bites. bite-size hot pockets sandwiches with 100% real cheese. guys, i'm back! new snack bites from...
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(we are so excited to hear youre mergbig ideasableworld, on how we're going to take on directv. so over to you. (newhart) thank you. full disclosure. we forgot to come up with ideas. (cw exec) yeah, we got messed up last night. you're lucky we're even here. (newhart) but, we did bring breakfast. (jmh) bagels? (newhart) nope. (woman) oh my goodness. (newhart) peel and eat shrimp. (cole) not how i would have gone but it's good, it's innovative. and that's what we want here. (vo) get rid of cable and switch to directv. call 1-800-directv. not much has changed thiswith the camera. except how you take a photo... find a photo... share a photo... ooh, mom's gonna love that one. your photos themselves have changed too.
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they move now. and the camera shoots video in 4k. you can even shoot slo-mo in hd. wait for it... splash! so yeah, that's what's changed. >> larry: that's our show, i want to thank our panelist, bonnie mcfarlane, judah friedlander and lucy lawless. stay tuned for "@midnight." good nightly, everyone. >> hello, everyone. welcome to "ellen." here. all of your 42-year-old faces. in the news this week about authorization to invade talk about my recent trip to a dog park. a great dane. i also saw a so-so dane. i'm just kidding. they were both great. i'm ellen. staff for that joke. >> she wrote that one. >> they're the best. yep, yep. long enough. it's time to dance. song you know. i know just the one! ♪ >> all right. god, i hate dancing.
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