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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  November 16, 2015 9:50am-10:21am PST

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>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah. thank you for joining us! our guest tonight, pras is joining us, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: big news out of missouri, the midwest of the midwest. as you may know, last weekend, football players at the university of missouri went on strike after university president tim wolfe refused to take action after horribly racist incidents including somebody painting swastika on a dorm wall using feces. yeah, they weren't impressed, the president did nothing. i want to say congratulations to the students because this morning, tim wolfe, the president, actually resigned, yeah! (cheers and applause) and you realize, black people, this is hiewfnlgt you understand what this means? like if you want to change something in american, just threat ton take the black people out of sports. because if there is one thing
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white people are afraid of is having to win games without you. (laughter) a quick note to all the racists out there, when you're paint ago ago -- painting a swastika with feces, the joke is on you. oh, yeah! black people will know how much i hate them almost mm-hmm! what a punishment! (laughter) let's move on to dr. ben carson. (laughter) yes, he may be a neurosurgeon and a presidential candidate, but he dropped a new track and it's dope. >> this campaign add running several cities. ♪ vote and support ben carson ♪ for our next president it'd be awesome ♪ >> america became a great nation early on not because it was flooded with politicians but because it was flooded with people who understood the value of personal responsibility -- >> trevor: whoo!
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damn! yeah, he gets it. (laughter) that is the best rap about personal responsibility since j.d.'s 99 problems about my fico score and won. but being a rap star is about your street cred. that's why ben carson spent his life telling everyone how hard he used to be. >> a as teenager, i would go out to people with rocks, bricks, baseball bats and hammers. >> carson describes punching a classmate with a lock in his hand. >> a teenager angered me. i had a large camping knife and tried to stab him in the abdomen. unfortunately, under his clothing, he had on large metal belt buckle, and the knife plate struck with such force that it broke. >> trevor: see, thz this is why we need guns. carson could have killed all
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those people if only he had a gun, and not waste any time with a little knife. what a great moral to the story. ran around with a knife, stabbed the kid and was like, i'm enjoying. this i should find a job where i can cut people open all the time. (laughter) if you're wondering who he tried to stab, the answer makes him seem more hard core. >> the person i tried to stab, you know, i talked to today, and it was a close relative of mine. >> trevor: ah, i called them and i was, like, hey... remember when i stabbed you? (laughter) anyway, see you at thanksgiving. what do you mean i'm still not allowed to carve the turkey? damn you uncle phil. you better be wearing five belts when i see you.
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(laughter) here's what we discovered, like a lot of rappers, there is controversy about how hard ben carson is. >> that early picture of violence is not recognizable to some who grew up with carson. ten schoolmates and neighbors all said this is not the boy they knew. >> those claims are absolutely true. >> trevor: this is weird for me. so the media is saying, those rumors about you having a clean record and you being an upstanding member of society, those things are true. and ben carson is, like, bullshit! i'm dangerous and i try to kill people i should be president! (laughter) it's like the opposite of a witch trial. ben carson, get out of this courtroom! you're clearly not a witch! of course, i'm a witch! if i wasn't, could i do this? (laughter) but the history is not
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dr. carson's strong suits. >> ben carson speaking to a story controverting what children are taught that the pyramids are built for their own personal pumps. >> joseph built them to store grain. >> he wouldn't need hermitically sealed compartments for a sepulchre. >> trevor: look, i'm not going to lie, when he says that, he sounds light. he just does -- hermitically-sealed compartments for a sepulchre? you know, big words make you sound right. we don't know for sure. it's not like the egyptians wrote things down. they just covered the walls with a bunch of emojis. (laughter) at this point, i'm starting wonder if ben carson or anything he said was actually true or maybe it's just the way he remembered it.
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did i say i, uh, separated conjoined twins? i meant to say i separated a conjoined twix. (laughter) so the presidential frontrunner feels the media is out to condemn him as a nonviolent archeologist. but ben carson is not going to take this lying down. >> when i go out, i see thousands of people, they say, don't let the media get you down. they understand that this is a witch hunt. they are getting desperate. so next week, it will be my kindergarten teach who are said i peed in my pants! >> trevor: i did not pee in my pants! i stabbed my pants with urine! (laughter) now, you might be thinking, doesn't everyone who runs vo) president get this kind of treatment? the answer according to no truth
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teller ben carson is no. >> i do not remember this level of scrutiny for one president barack obama when he was running. in fact, i remember just the opposite. if you could show me where it's happened with someone else, i would take that statement back. >> trevor: hmm... so if we can show you where that's happened with someone else, you will take that statement back? challenge accepted, dr. carson. in one month, let us convene again, when here -- i'm just kidding. >> barack obama's candidacy has already come under an all-out attack. questions persist about barack obama's identity. >> you smoked manner, did a little blow. explain that. >> do you think reverend right loves america as much as you? >> do you accept the support of louis farrakhan.
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>> associating with tony rezko. making hateful comments. emoir -- he has composite characters. refusing to wear the stars and stripes on his suit. >> iateed in madrassa. having a hard time proving he's not muslim. >> not a legitimate natural-borne american. >> trevor: yeah so they vetted obama to the point where he was a legitimate, natural-born citizen, but at least no one never accused obama of not stabbing a guy. he got off easy. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) (wind noise) what's happening here... is not normal, it's extraordinary. because there is no stop in us.
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or you. only go. ♪ a new world hangs ♪ outside the window
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♪ beautiful and strange ♪ it must be ♪ falling away ♪ i must be ♪ sound and color i'm s(ding)g. we've been compromised! don't let hunger kill your game. hot pockets brings you new snack bites. bite-size hot pockets sandwiches with 100% real cheese. guys, i'm back! new snack bites from... (ding) ♪ hot pockets! before it was honey in these honey nut cheerios, it was honey being collected. and honey getting made. and honey that was just beginning. >> trevor: welcome back! you may not know this, but people in other countries pay close attention to america's
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elections, the same which america pays close attention to theirs. but what's it like for a recent immigrant to finally see your famed election process up close? ronny chang. >> america, world's greatest demock sivment the inalienable right to vote, genius. billions will be spent on presidential campaigning alone! ka-ching i sat down with an expert to learn about your amazing process. can you tell me how america got a perfect voting system. >> i wouldn't say it's perfect. no, the voting system is perfect. please don't ruin this for me. >> i'm not sure there is such a thing as a perfect voting system. >> no, no, no! it's perfect! there are no problems! >> there actually are problems. in 2000 we had problems with the vote machines in florida to
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congress allocated about $2 billion to buy new voting machines. >> yes! $2 billion! yeah! yeah! 2 billion making it rain! $2 billion right in your pocket! >> well, most states bought new equipment. >> and is it working great? well, they're showing their age is what i would say. technology doesn't last forever. >> according to his research, that $2 billion from congress was used up over a decade ago. now 86% of machines are outdated as a (bleep) finish flown. i visited with the commissioner of election to see if things are that bad. >> they're using old voter equipment. >> old but cool vintage? they're not hip and cool. they're just old. >> old as in shitty? yes. even the governor actually had problems on election day when he went to vote.
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it wouldn't select the candidate he was trying to vote for. >> damn! are voting machines this bad everywhere? i needed to see some up close in a local precinct like in michigan. we have 1960s microwaves. where are the voting machines? >> these are the voting machines. >> okay. the memory cards use a coin celibate ri. when the battery dies, we lose the data. >> is your game plan on election day, please, jesus, do not let the battery in these memory cards fail? >> right. then he showed me crucial voting machines. >> they're hard to get but we've found them on ebay. >> so you're basically getting shitty technology from ebay secondhand? >> that's what we're doing. this is what we call our election central. >> hang on. what is this? >> that is a 56k dial-up modem.
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come on! (speaking in foreign language) even my grandmother in malaysia would look at this and go what the (bleep)! i read your report. voting machines (bleep). good lord, i come to america for this? the voting machines they use in india, is a briefcase, costs $175. it works for like a billion people. >> but in the united states machines are a lot more expensive than you expect. >> how expensive can these be? each machine is about $6,000. >> trevor: $6,000 -- for this? yes. can you order starbucks on this? >> no. can you log on to facebook? no. for $6,000, i expect to be able to (bleep). i give up, can we close our eyes
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and pretend these machines aren't a problem? >> when machines break, you get long lines, between 500,000 and 700,000 people weren't able to vote in the 2012 elections because of long lines. >> simplify for me, who the (bleep) do i have to blame for this? >> i think there is a lot of blame to go around. the federal government essentially doesn't spend any money on our elections. >> wow. this democracy is doomed. many of its own citizens can't vote because the country won't spend any more money on voting machines. if only we could harness the billions spent on the campaigns and stupid ads! wait a minute... a voting machine that runs on ads! i'm a genius! this machine right here. >> it's an ipad playing a video of donald trump. how do you vote on it? >> you watch 10 to 15 minutes of campaign ads and you actually
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vote. if you don't want to see ads, you pay a $1.99 fee. >> like a poll tax? we're not in the business of making money off voters casting ballots. >> you don't want my voting machine, america? i hope you enjoy waiting in line for 12 hours on election day. stupid idiot! (cheers and applause) thank you, we'll be right back! before it was honey in these honey nut cheerios, it was honey being collected. and honey getting made. and honey that was just beginning. my credit score for free, right? and then you're gonna ask me for my credit card so you can charge me on the down low two weeks later. look, credit karma - oh, are you talking to websites again? it's sayin' 'free credit score.' credit karma? yeah, it's actually free. look, you don't have to put in your credit card information.
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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! my guest tonight was a member of the fugees. he has produced and featured in the feature "sweet micky for president." >> you need someone who can inspire the people. ♪ what a man ♪ what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man ♪ >> you started to talk. man, you're the one that really can help make that change. you even understand what my anger was. i was liang you know what? you need to run for president. >> trevor: please welcome pras! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: thank you so much
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for being here. this is good. you look like you're running for president. doesn't he look sharp? (cheers and applause) you look great, man. >> thank you. >> trevor: thank you very much for coming to the show. i watched the movie, the documentary. amazing story. so you picked up the phone, called a friend and said, yo, you need to be president? >> yeah. yeah. literally, after the earthquake, i felt like i needed to do something for haiti. so the first person who came to my mind was sweet micky. i didn't realize he used to wear diapers on stage and whatnot. >> trevor: you didn't? i knew he was crazy but i didn't realize it because i went to my director, ben patterson -- >> trevor: oh, this makes so much more sense! >> yeah, i went to my director and said i'm supporting this guy and i'm going to support him for
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president. he said, there is a guy coming up with diapers on. he said, surely it can't be him. i said, yeah, sweet micky. he said, okay. >> trevor: you don't back down. let's take it a step back. you were born and raised in new york? >> yes. >> trevor: of haitian descent? yes. >> trevor: the earthquake takes place and haiti is devastated. we saw it on the news, people donating money, it was a travesty, but haiti, this is insane, what, 200 years -- >> yeah, won independence in 1804. >> trevor: 200 years of independence? >> yes. >> trevor: how many democratically elected leaders? >> two. >> trevor: who both lived 100 years? (laughter) so basically, there is no democracy at this point. >> the first elected democratic president was in 1990. then there was a coup, someone
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else came in, then he came back again. michelle broke the mold. i don't know why i thought sweet micky would be the guy. i just thought he was so papillar in haiti. he was the michael jackson of haiti. i thought a popular guy could come in and inspire the people and break the mold. that's what i was thinking about. so when i realized his antics, i was already deep in. so i had to go. >> trevor: do you think somebody has done this with donald trump and ben carson? (laughter) like, is there a possibility that someone said, you need to run? and now they're, like, oh! i'm too deep in! because you don't know. you've got a candidate through -- he wasn't even a politician? >> no. >> trevor: straight-on musician? >> we just saw on the video. >> trevor: yeah, that thing he was doing. >> yeah. >> trevor: we all saw that. hat's where he was. >> trevor: and you thought
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this guy could run. if i'm to bring it back to america, you know, a lot of people are saying these candidates are doing well, ben carson, carly fiorina, donald trump, because they're not career politicians. you've shown it can be done. people thought sweet micky was a joke. >> when i first called my dad, i said, i have to ask you advice, i'm supporting a candidate for haiti. he said, who? i said, marshel montiely. there was a long pause and then he hung up on me. (laughter) >> trevor: he call you back? he was like, this kid has to be out of his mind. >> trevor: so you support the guy, put your resources behind him and get him in the game. you guys know nothing about politics. >> knotting. >> reporter: you go into the race. the next thing, you're making up ground. you the frontrunners.
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this sounds eerily familiar. then you decide we need to figure out a campaign. >> at that point we realize we need add campaign manager because everybody kept saying you guys look like you're going on tour because everywhere he'd go, he would perform. he was, like, this is politics. you can't think, you have to talk. >> trevor: he's talking exactly like donald trump. there is a line in the movie where he's in the interview and the guy says, you're an entertainer, a performer, and he says, that's the character. he says, that's a character, a separate person. >> yeah, he was trying to say sweet micky and mi chle smartelly are two different people. >> trevor: and he was saying donald trump the candidate and the man are two different people. >> yes. >> trevor: would you run trump's campaign? >> no, that would be crazy. >> trevor: fascinating story,
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"sweet micky for president" opens in los angeles friday and in new york november 20th. thank you so much, everybody! >> thank you. this is brian. every day, brian drives carefully to work. and every day brian drives carefully to work, there are rate suckers. he's been paying more for car insurance because of their bad driving for so long, he doesn't even notice them anymore. but one day brian gets snapshot from progressive. now brian has a rate based on his driving, not theirs. get snapshot and see just how much your good driving could save you.
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don't let hunger kill your game. hot pockets brings you new snack bites. bite-size hot pockets sandwiches with 100% real cheese. guys, i'm back! new snack bites from... (ding) ♪ hot pockets! ono off-days, or downtime.ason. opportunity is everything you make of it. this winter, take advantage of our season's best offers on the latest generation of cadillacs. the 2016 cadillac srx. get this low-mileage lease from around $339 per month, or purchase with 0% apr financing. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: that's our show. before we go, tomorrow night, we'll be live tweeting the debate, check it out on "the daily show," starting 9:00 p.m. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> a photo spread is describing
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carson's home as a temple to himself including a painting of the candidate with jesus. ♪ announcer: you're watching fox & friends. and welcome back to fox & friends, i'm steve doocy. joining me as always, gretchen carlson, brian kilmeade. hello! good morning. well, the latest job numbers have prompted some people to say that thing are looking up, but i still know a whole lot of folks out of work out there. gretchen: yeah. and what is the president doing about it? congratulating basketball players for being gay? i know. ooo. wow.
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of course we support nba player jason collins in his decision. yes. but can we please stop calling him a hero? exactly. ( mumbling ) i mean, since when does telling your embarrassing personal secrets make you a hero? hey, everybody! i prefer asian ladies. i'm a hero! hey, hey. i use prescription deodorant on my entire body, give me medal. give her a medal! i practice french kissing on my own hand. isn't that right, jessica? oh, you so crazy, brian kilmeade. ( kissing ) i will say, though, i am surprised that the first gay athlete was in basketball. i would have thought it would have been hockey. you know, because it's so close to figure skating. mm-hmm. yeah. yeah. i always thought it would be the guy in football who hikes the ball. i mean, he's already in that position. steve: good point. good point! i thought it would be a wnba player. i mean, a lot of those guys look like women already. brian, those are women. ( chuckles )

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