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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  January 28, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PST

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100 question. i deserve a little tea for that. thank you. i don't deserve this. i don't deserve this. this happened on facebook! the world's largest social media site has never been known for its nuance. the facebook "like" button is great for photos of a friend's birthday party, but not quite right for someone's post about their divorce. but how else can you show the appropriate response? besides posting a reaction gif like this, i mean. ♪ [laughing] >> chris: ya! now you're free to hook up with these hunks. that's the good news.
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the bad news they're all 68 now. luckily, facebook is rolling out new response buttons. fit for everything from your cousin's brunch to your grandma's ill-advised participation in "titty tuesday". along with the "like", you can also use: "love", "haha", "yay", "wow", "sad", and "angry". now these are all pretty straightforward, but i'm having a little trouble wrapping my brain around that "wow" button. this one here. this one. when would you go "wow." comedians, what's a facebook status that would get you a "wow"? esther, go. >> my boyfriend's wife sent me a friend request. >> chris: brandon. >> finally saw my mom's [beep] chris: wow. ryan. >> guess who got casted in woody
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allen's network series my -- daughter. >> chris: damn it. >> wow, wow. chris: time to start "@midnight." [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >>chris: welcome to "@midnight". i'm chris hardwick. last night, i saw something truly amazing on reddit. i went to twitch and saw this man bernie katzman, aka piano impro man, did a live stream where he riffed piano music based on people's comments. twelve hours this man played yesterday with over a hundred thousand viewers. i fell in love with him and had to have him on the show to help us out. welcome bernie katzman, everyone. [cheers and applause]
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bernie, thank you for bringing music to the show today. >> hey, what a pleasure. thanthank you, chris. >> chris: also i'm slightly pissed i think more people watch your twitch stream than this show. that's upsetting. >> you are funny. chris: why didn't we have you on like two years ago. this is per tpeblg. could you of been our paul schaefer. >> you know if i shaved my head maybe i would have a chance. >> chris: alright. we are sending you out for a full body waxing. you requested it. >>chris: tonight's comedians are: performing at u.c.b. franklin in l.a. february 10th, it's esther povitsky. [cheers and applause] >>chris: from "hot takes," thursdays on comedy central's snapchat discover, it's brandon wardell. [cheers and applause] >>chris: performing at acme
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comedy company in minneapolis february 9th through the 14th, it's ryan stout. [cheers and applause] >> chris: you can't do the cool millennial body moving looking like you're ready to debate in the republican -- >> i'm the elder millennial of the group. >>chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." [cheers and applause] >> chris: and now let's look at a lift of the most trendingest topics on the web today. the first thing we're gonna talk about is bread. 486-time "oprah" magazine cover -- >> she earned it. chris: anyways she propped once again that she can move any product on the planet. even bread. here's the media sorceress
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shouting about the popular dough-and-flour-based staple in a video she made for weight watchers. >> this is the joy for me. i love bread. [laughing] >> chris: i love it to be like this big. ahhh, just some thick dark rye. [cheers and applause] >> chris: oprah. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i'm kidding. everyone knows oprah eats pita. oprah's bread lust instantly boosted weight watchers and made she made a quick $12.5 million in her shares in the company, proving that she could probably sell a box of used cat litter. comedians, what's a horrible oprah-endorsed product she could sell with no problem? >> oprahs used diaper club. chris: her used diapers or found diapers? >> gail.
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chris: points. >> esther. >> john travolta custom closets. [cheers and applause] >> chris: can i pick a tag line. >> please. chris: closets so great you will never wan to come out of them. [ applause ] >>chris: on to our next topic: audio quiz. here's a piece of audio from a video that's been going around the internet: (growling noises) >> chris: okay. so what you're listening to is sound of a current movie star before they were famous. what is it? a.) the rock's unfortunate voiceover audition for "rugrats". b.) vin diesel advertising the ninja turtle's knockoff "street sharks". c.) channing tatum filming a softcore porn for showtime. ryan stout. >> i think vin diesel advertising the ninja turtle's knockoff.
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>> chris: audience seems to be on your side for this one. >> the classic vin diesel. >> sharks! [laughing] [ applause ] >> chris: onto our next topic. tiniy phoepblg he's. espn tried to addy phoepblg he's for a college game between duke and miami. the miami favorite player looks like he has a tiny arm there. it's more fun the more you look at it why doesn't anyone pass the ball to me. thanks to @katkling for pointing that out! comedians, basketball is filled with nicknames, black mamba, king james, and kaazam. so what's a good nickname for this tiny armed fella? >> t-rex.
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chris: okay. ryan. >> kareem abdul birth defect. chris: perfect. they will let him play. that's the end of rapid refresh. and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. tuesday was national spouse's day. the one day of the year when people are supposed to take some special time to celebrate their spouses, kind of like valentine's day except instead of going on a romantic date, you catch up on "x-files" and pass out in your marital bed. you can do it next week. but since the word "spouse" seems kind of antiquated these days, we thought we'd open it up and help people celebrate their significant others with tonight's hashtag: #baein3words #baein3words examples: "anime body pillow", "my drug dealer", and "actually a cat". i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock. begin. ryan stout. >> charges per hour. hris: points esther. >> orders extra fries. >> james earl jones.
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>> is a hedge hog. >> billy ray cyrus. >> jonathan taylor thomas. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ryan. >> lukewarm cantaloupe. chris: points. esther. >> cries during sex. hris: points. ryan stout. >> real fixer upper. [laughing] >> chris: perfect the end of the hashtag wars. send us your #baein3words and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. bernie, take us to a commercial. [cheers and applause] our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @kmthehaggis. well done!
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we had traveled for over 850 miles. my men driven nearly mad from starvation and frostbite. today we make history. >>bienvenidos! welcome to the south pole! if you're dora the explorer, you explore. it's what you do. >>what took you so long? if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. >>you did it, yay! ♪ >>chris: welcome back to "@midnight." thank you, bernie kak piano info man. it's time to play "bad mags." magazines are a great way to escape the trenches of the internet and nerd out in peace. like sometimes you like to unwind with a issue of "tropical fish."
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what a page turner. wow, i had no idea how to tap on an aquarium or why fishes are so good at sucking. comedians, i'm going to show you some weird magazines and for 250 points i want you to tell me an article we can expect to see in it. first, "girls and corpses" [laughing] >> i actually -- i have actually read this. i know this magazine. >> me too. chris: it's what you think it is. >> a interview with talking heads chris hardwick. >> chris: yes. [cheers and applause] >> chris: naked girls posing with fake corpses. that's the entire [beep] magazine. brandon. >> how to eat brains and [beep]. chris: points. yes. [ applause ] >> chris: esther. >> how to make him jiz maggots. [ applause ] >> chris: points. next up.
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"machinery lubrication." esther. >> so your radiator wants to try anal. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: brandon. >> how to turn your machine on and keep it wet and [beep] your machine. >> chris: ya, points. ryan stout. >> a message from our [beep] editor louise machinery. [laughing] >> chris: points. >>chris: next, "doll reader". oh, no, esther. >> best rooms to cry alone in. chris: points. ryan. >> 7 dolls that will remained you of your missing son. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: i just think the first page should be like, so you're baron.
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>> look at those thighs salute willininghitler. this is my baby. [laughing] >>chris: finally, "dads". dads magazine. val kilmer. >> they're your kids too, god damn it when to breach the restraining order. >> chris: points. brandon. >> how to hide your second family. [laughing] >> chris: alright. >>chris: that's the end of "bad mags." time for the live challenge, greasy spooning. now's the time to reserve a table for that romantic dinner at waffle house. i'm not kidding. they're turning their food shack into a love shack.
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it's a great way to get scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, and finger-blasted without busting your budget! of course, a night at waffle house wouldn't be the same without somebody tinkling in the background, so bernie is going to play some romantic music to get diarrhea too. ♪ >> chris: ya, i can feel it bubbling up. why did have that extra waffle. i thought that was fruit. i guess not. comedians, with bernie's help, i want you to propose you your significant other at a waffle house. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight"! [cheers and applause] indulgence... no longer comes at a price. well, actually it does... but it's just $9.99 new hot shot whisky chicken applebee's grill & bar favorites made a little better for you. featuring new dishes loaded with flavor, and all under 650 calories.
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♪ [cheers and applause] >>chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i asked you to go to waffle house on valentine's day to propose to your significant other, whatever that other may be. pianoimproman bernie here is going to play some legally-permissible romantic music to set the mood. let's hear those proposals! esther. >> bernie, play me something
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that says waffle house bathroom. ♪ >> it's going to take me an eternity to digest these hash bruins, and i would like to spend it with you. >> chris: that's very nice. very nice. [cheers and applause] >> chris: brandon. smooth, sexy, 90s r & b. >> baby, i've been meaning to ask you this for a really long time. will you marry me, also can you take care of this bill. also can you like drive me home, i'm going through a really hard time right now. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: ryan stout. >> bernie, i know you're on a piano.
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i want banjo and want it romantic. romantic banjo. you can do it. come on. [cheers and applause] >> ever since i knocked you up three years ago, four years ago, and six years ago, i have always thought you were the pretty antt i pulled over drunk driving. that's why i asked your daddy for your hand, your good hand in marriage, last week when we were at the family reunion. [cheers and applause] >> chris: well done. [cheers and applause] i'm going to give a thousand points to ryan. 500 to brandon and esther. to the next game. "master of seduction." our good buddies at the found footage festival turned us on to this '80s gem called "the video
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guide for successful seduction." you should watch it. it totally all works. our favorite seducer is this guy, telling us how to pick up a lady in detroit. take notes. >> detroit, you need a dollar, a 12 pack of beer, a gram of coke and a whip. [laughing] >> what? [laughing] so comedians, i'm sure norm from "cheers after dark" here has a trick for every city, so i want you to give me as many other cities as you can and what you should put in your seduction kit to get some local ass. >> chris: 60 seconds begins. esther. >> los angeles, a weed card, green juice, and kickstarter for the plastic surgeries. >> chris: points. ryan stout. >> tijuana, a donkey with zebra stripes, a greased fist and a wrist rocket you don't mind losing. >> chris: points.
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brandon. >> madrid, spain. eight bottles of wine, a kor ton of cigarettes, and some guy's wife. >> chris: points. ryan. >> albania. a young kid who can lure backpackers into a van, a backpacker and a van. >> chris: points. esther. >> iowa. hillary clinton pantsuit, bernie sanders wig and donald trump's willingness to have sex with anyone including his daughter. >> chris: yes, points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: brandon. >> narnia. [laughing] >> narnia. a lion, a whip and a wardrobe. >> chris: so good. points to brandon. that brings touts end of master seduction. i'm sorry, brandon, even after the genius narnia answer you're in third place.
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any last words. >> there is a movie "dirty grandpa" it's in theaters now. check it out. i'm not in it -- >> chris: sounds good. a red light on brandon. [cheers and applause] >>chris: that means it's time to let the clock strike doom... it's "for the win!" [cheers and applause] >> chris: so as if we weren't self aware enough that the earth is going to implode into the devil's anus very soon. every year, a group of professional alarmists known as the bulletin of atomic scientists get together to tell us how much closer the world is to total destruction. but, to make this terrifying concept go down easier, they do get a enormous pretend clock known as the doomsday clock that looks like it's from a third-grade science fair. adorable. death. this is death right here. this year, it's at three minutes to midnight. >> why are they happy? chris: they're happy they
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realize they have the same haircut. it's kind of a like a cute little alarm that will go off when humanity destroys itself maybe you should give us a message when doomsday apocalypse hits. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. bernie, play us doomsday music. [cheers and applause] squire?! what beer may i fetch you, my lord? umm... i'll have a redd's apple ale. and perhaps a wrench. no. a wrench, a wrench. redd's apple ale. also in strawberry and green apple.
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this is me talking to hela policia.cancun. this girl? totally sweating me. and uh, i don't even remember taking this one. you realize this is a job interview. i know, i wanted to show you how proficient i am in social media. we'll be in touch. excuse me. hello? hi, i'm just following up on the interview. dimpatient. dim and impatient. hunger keeps inventing new problems, so we invented new snickers crisper. when the thirst is real. there's no substitute for that classic, crisp, lemon-lime flavor. ♪ those bubbles cut right through. to give you exactly what you need. nothing else comes close. you want the real eddie huang you better keep up because no matter where i'm going, i'm obey my thirst. ♪ obey your thirst.
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♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ >> chris: thank you, bernie. ♪ >>chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "for the win." can we have a huge hand for bernie. [cheers and applause] i am going to wipe your scores clean. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, we imagined the doomsday clock was a real alarm clock and ask you to come up with the alarm sound it should play when the apocalypse arrives. let's see what you wrote. terse one. it's 11: 59: 59 seconds. here is what happened today on kim skwropbg young's kickstarter. [cheers and applause] >> chris: or we warned you this would happen if you would of just read your itunes user agreement. [cheers and applause] >> chris: number one. ryan stout is number one. >>chris: we'll see you all
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tomorrow night when our guests will be kyle kinane, april richardson and the winner of our #pointsme competition! right here. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #baein3words and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. please, please be sure to check out bernie katzman. a wonderful man. subscribe toe him. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. chrishardwick on snapchat. good night. captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

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