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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  February 17, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PST

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knock the ( bleep ) out of isis. and you can tell them to dp ( bleep ) themselves. >> oh, my goodness. >> wow. >> larry: tonightly, rapper b.o.b goes on an anti-science twitter spree, claiming the earth is flat. as a result, he's currently polling third in the republican presidential race. ( laughter ) he is. makes sense. it makes sense. ( applause ) come on, the earth is flat. i'm not falling for this, especially after that time soulja boy tricked me into thinking a hadron wasn't a composite particle made of quarks! am i right? come on, you guys were thinking that, right? and undocumented immigrants in flint, michigan, are being forced to drink lead-poisoned water. or as donald trump calls it, phase one.
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you guys ready to rock? this is "the nightly show"! captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you, thank you very much. welcome to "the nightly show." such a great audience tonight. guys, new york jets star brandon marshall joins us tonight. his boys are in the audience. ( cheers ) right. that's right.
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( laughter ) let's go to our main story, the victims of the flint water contamination. now, what happened to these people is a national outrage. and i promised that we at "the nightly show" weren't going to let this story go until it's resolved. so let's check in with "the larry people vs. flint." hmm. okay. what's the latest? >> we're here in flint, michigan, where the city is still under a state of emergency following the lead water crisis. the state is now encouraging every parent to get their kids tested for lead in their blood. we're at one of those testing locations. you can see the sign behind me. it says "family fun night and free lead testing." >> larry: family fun night? come on, kids. finish your homework, or no bloodwork for you! you want to get the lead out of your ass so we can find if there's any in your veins? are we going to be late again for "family fun night/free lead testing? so things are pretty bleak in
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flint, but many people have come to the rescue. >> hollywood's offering a helping hand to flint. mark wahlberg and sean daddy combs-- >> larry: wait. did he just say "sean "daddy" combs"? who is that, diddy's daddy? ( laughter ) is he. i don't know. i'm sorry, continue. >> mark wahlberg and sean daddy combs, who co-own a beverage company, have pledged a million bottles. >> cher has donated 181,000 bottles. >> larry: "181,000 bottles?" why not 200,000? oh, yeah, she's a star, so 10% of those bottles go to her agent. i know. do the math, you guys. it's annoying, but you make it all back on your taxes. well, good job, celebs! i'm proud of you guys. okay, who else is helping out? >> senator ted cruz's michigan office spent the day handing out gallons of water to the flint community. >> larry: oh, ted "daddy" cruz ( laughter ) that's a surprise.
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although, it is understandable that he appreciates the importance of water, because he is half-blobfish. ( applause ) oh, my god! that is actually horrifying, you guys. i apologize to the blobfish for that comparison. i apologize, you guys. anyway, as long as cruz isn't using this crisis to score political points, then that's great. >> here's everything you need to know about how ted cruz approaches politics. he and his campaign decided they should send water, bottles of clean water to people in flint, michigan. but they only sent them to people who were antiabortion activists in flint. only those people. >> larry: you have to ( bleep ) be kidding me. people could die from this poisoned water. aren't you supposed to be pro-life? ( applause )
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so you're only pro-life for the people who are pro-life? and, by the way, anyone dying from leaded water is pro-life! you prolife? >> yes. pro-life, yeah. i don't want to be choking on something with this guy in the room. "before i administer the heimlich, what's your stance on immigration reform? choose wisely!" (choking noise) "that sounds like you're against it." ( laughter ) it doesn't make sense. and the group having the toughest time getting clean drinking water is undocumented immigrants. or as donald trump calls them, "rapists." >> audience: oooh! >> larry: i didn't make that up. as reported by fusion this week, undocumented immigrants are being denied free water and are too scared to get help. i mean, this is horrible. these people can't reach out to government officials, because they're afraid of being deported.
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and as fusion explains, flint residents need to show an i.d. or give a social security number to pick up free water bottles around town. i mean, when you're undocumented, well, the problem is right there in the word-- no documents. look, it's one thing to require an i.d. to vote, but just to get water? and a social security number?! just give them the damn water they need to survive, please! to put a face on the desperate situation out there, we go live to speak with a flint resident. please welcome diego ramirez. ( cheers and applause ) oh, no. why are you running? are you undocumented? >> well, i lost my i.d., so i may as well be. but i found a cool loophole, so so i can still get water, larry. >> larry: what's the loophole? >> i'm running marathons, larry! i'm running marathons!
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( applause ) >> larry: you went to all the trouble of running a marathon just for the free water they hand out? >> marathons, larry. this is my fourth one today. it's surprising how much water your body actually needs, especially if you're running marathons, man. >> larry: that seems so wrong to me, that you have to go that far just to get some water! >> actually, to be exact, i've gone 104.5 miles to get some water. no, disgusting! >> larry: wait. why are you rejecting water? >> it's dasani, larry. i'm thirsty, but i'm not an animal. get out of here! >> larry: i'm not sure that makes sense. that one was more to your liking? >> oh, yeah. that's that jennifer lawrence-donated water. that's that good ( bleep ), larry. that's that good top shelf. >> larry: uh, i have to say, it doesn't seem really marathon-y. why aren't there any other runners around you?
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>> well, i guess i've fallen a little bit behind pace, larry. >> larry: seems like more than a little. are you in last place? >> how about cutting me some slack, larry? this is my fourth (bleep) marathon today. >> larry: i'm sorry. shouldn't flint be ashamed of itself for making its citizens go to such extreme measures just for water? >> larry, i ain't trying to blame anybody. i'm just trying to survive. look at my grandma. she was so thirsty yesterday, she beat the kenyans. the kenyans! no one ever does that! that's really hard. the kenyans! >> larry: oh, my god! diego ramirez, everybody. good luck, diego!
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on twitter in the past 48 hours, then you've heard about our next story, rapper b.o.b. blowing up twitter with his theories on the actual shape of the earth. >> rapper b.o.b. perhaps you know him for hits like "airplanes" and "nothin' on you." he firmly believes that the earth is flat. he's on a twitter mission to prove it, and he says he has photographic evidence and that we've been fooled all this time. ( laughter ) >> larry: you know, the first time i heard "nothin' on you" i definitely thought, this b.o.b guy, he is the one to finally take down that asshole aristotle. take him down. seriously, these tweets are amazing. "the horizon is always eye level." "once you go flat you never go back?" "where is the curve?" b.o.b., if you're looking for the curve, you gotta call sir mix-a-lot. ( laughter ) that is a man who didn't deny science. he did not.
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am i right? i'm not lying about that. anyway, this thing went viral, and even world renowned super scientist and friend of "the nightly show" neil degrasse tyson got involved and refuted some of b.o.b.'s retrograde nonsense, which prompted b.o.b. to release a diss track called "flatline." here's a taste. ♪ neil tyson need to loosen up his vest ♪ they'll probably write that man one hell of a check ♪ flat line, flat line you got me once but that died, aye ♪ >> larry: oh ( bleep ). this ( bleep ) just got reecialg y'all! looks like we've got ourselves a code red science emergency. i'm gon--a have to do something i rarely co. i'm going to have to hit the science panic button. >> science emergency defense program initiated. science emergency defense program initiated. science emergency defense program initiated. ( cheers and applause ) >> hi, larry.
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>> larry: neil degrasse tyson, everyone! ( cheers and applause ) i'm trying to eat my dinner. i got your distress call! is everything okay? >> larry: no, neil. everything is not okay. this b.o.b. b.s. about the earth being flat is getting out of control. can you help us? >> hold my sandwich. >> larry: sure, you take that. ( cheers and applause ) >> listen b.o.b., once and for all. the earth looks flat because, one, you're not far enough away at your size. two, your size isn't large enough relative to earth to notice any curvature at all. it's a fundamental fact of calculus and non-euclidean geometry. small sections of large curved surfaces will always look flat to little creatures that
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flat to little creatures that crawl upon it. but this whole thing is just a symptom of a larger problem. there's a growing anti-intellectual strain in this country that may be the beginning of the end of an informed democracy. of course, in a free society, you can and should think whatever you want. if you want to think the world is flat, go right ahead. but if you think the world is flat and you have influence over others, as would successful rappers or even presidential candidates, then being wrong becomes being harmful-- to the health, the wealth, and the security of our citizenry. discovery and exploration got us out of the caves. and each generation benefits from what previous generations have learned. isaac newton, my man, said, "if i have seen farther than others, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants." can i get an amen! that's right, b.o.b., when you
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stand on the shoulders of those who came before you just might see far enough to realize the earth isn't (bleep) flat. and by the way, this is called gravity! ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: neil degrasse tyson, everybody! oh! we'll be right back. oh! i'm chris bosh. when i was sidelined with blood clots in my lung, it was serious. fortunately, my doctor had a game plan. treatment with xarelto®. hey guys! hey, finally, somebody i can look up to... ...besides arnie. xarelto® is proven to treat and help reduce the risk
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we have been able to provide about 600 families with solar on their homes. that's over nine and a half million dollars of investment by pg&e, and that allows us to provide clean energy for everyone here. it's been a great partnership. together, we're building a better california. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show" contributor, ricky velez. ( cheers and applause ) and "nightly show" contributor jordan carlos. ( cheers and applause ) and he's the cofounder of
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"project 375", the foundation that promotes mental health awareness, six-time probowler wide receiver for the new york jets. brandon marshall. ( cheers and applause ) very nice. and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @atnightlyshow using the hashtag #tonightly. brandom i'm so glad you're here. he probably be m.v.p. >> m.v.p. he is the m.v.p. >> larry: but he's getting a lot of flack for all the celebrating that he's doing. i don't know if you see him, but when he scores the touchdown, he really goes-- he goes. the first thing he does, he does this-- he stalls-- he gets into that-- and then-- then he does, like, this kind of thing. he goes down-- then-- >> i've never seen him do that. >> larry: you've never seen him do that? he doubles down. >> he doubles down. >> larry: he doubles down. >> this isn't the christmas party. you shouldn't -- >> no, i'm just telling you what he does.
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then he starts-- he does this-- >> you have no rhythm. >> larry: i'm showing you what he does. you do it, you do it. >> i definitely don't have any rhythm. >> gl that's not all. then he starts running with the football. brandon, is that too much? >> i mean, it's 15, 20 seconds. listen, i don't want my quarterback dancing. you know, i'm from the old school. and people look at me, "well, you're only 31 years old." i'm from the old school, okay. get over it. i'm from the old school, so i want my quarterback to get back in the hud expel lead us. but we have to understand this is the new generation. this is what they're doing next. they're disruptive. they're disrespectful. they don't give a damn about anyone. and i kind of like it. i kind of like it. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: i couldn't tell if you were for it or against it. >> you've got to look at it, o'dell beckham jr., and then you have cam newton who i think is leading the way. go back to when he was a rooky and he said, listen, i want to be an icon."
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if you want to be an icon, you can't stay in the box. you have to be disruptive. >> larry: but as a quarterback, i think it's too much. as a player, aren't you afraid your quarterback becomes a target-- >> too much? that's the question. he's 15-1. he's the m.v.p. >> thank you. thank you. >> he's going to be the sixth african american quarterback leading this team to the super bowl. >> larry: that's all good stuff. >> he's -- >> that's not bad stuff! >> what i'm saying to you -- >> that's good stuff. >> it's just he's dancing, man. no, but, like, it's like we all go to the club, we're all at the club, we're hanging out, we have girls all around us, and some dude walks in and all the girls are like, "let's go watch him dance." we ( bleep ) that guy. he's dancing!
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>> he punched in some of these touchdowns himself. when you do that you're going to celebrate. >> i just think-- so, he's getting some criticism. he said, "i'm an african american quarterback. that scares people because they haven't seen nothing that they can compare me to." does any of the criticism of cam feel racial? >> you know what, first of all, i want to say this, i commend him because back in the day, our athletes and entertainers used to be civil rights leaders. they used to speak up. but now the business has taken over. you have these brands like underarmor, and nike and beats by dre, and the yogurt thing he endorsed. they come in, they tell you, "you know what? just be a good both boy, shut your mouth and collect your check." i am one of those guys i have an opinion and i'm going to say it. i guess that's why i'm on my fourth team. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: keep it 100.
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>> but when you look at it, it's a generational thing. and i just stick to that. i don't think it's racial. i think there's a box we put our quarterbacks in and we say, "this is how you're supposed to be. this is how pateop man dignity it. this is how joe montana did it, tom brady." >> larry: i think it's more generational than racial. >> i think it could be gene-racial. like tennessee mom making that letter about cam newton and the game. >> that's what white people do when they get upset, they write letters. >> right. >> they get upset. what does dshe get upset about? >> you daent yelp a football game. he was dancing too much. you know what i mean. "you're supposed to be a role model." i think charles barkley clearly explained you don't have to be a role model. johnny manziel. he's a q.b. >> he's never been arrested. maybe in college. >> let's stay with the pros. let's say pros.
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>> he's been great. he's been a great voice for us, and he's doing some amazing things. i love it. keep doing it. keep dancing. >> larry: it's a little taunting. >> you don't like it? >> but you're a seattle fan. >> larry: no, that has nothing to do with it. that's got nothing to do with it. >> nothing to do with it? >> larry: no to, me, he's the leader-- here's what it is. >> you got your butts kicked. >> larry: when was last time the jets were in the super bowl? you have-- hold on. >> you are not there and now ( bleep ). >> ( bleep ). >> it's time for on "keep it 100." you know how this goes. you have to answer the question, you have to keep it 100% real. >> okay. >> larry: if you do not, i
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have to throw weak tea at you. if you get it right, you get a sticker. your team barely missed play-offs this season. i thought you guys were going to go all the way. but you didn't, that's all right. >> is that all right? >> larry: that's all right. it is what it is. >> not all right. >> larry: you'd love to be preparing for the super bowl right now. >> yes. >> larry: everybody knows that. keep it 100. are your jet better-- keep it 100% real-- are they better than both teams playing in the super bowl. >> yes. >> larry: you're keeping that 100% real. you missed the play-offs. >> we missed the play-offs. >> larry: you're better than the panthers yes! >> larry: you're better than the panthers you're better than the panthers. >> listen, it's about who's hot. >> larry: you're better than the panthers. that's what you're telling me. you just went off about cam newton. >> okay, okay! ( laughter ). >> larry: give him some weak tea. i don't want to hear the rest.
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we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) colonel sanders here, bringing you a new flavor of spicy chicken, straight from nashville. it's smoky, crispy, spicy, and it's hot! ha, it's not that hot. no need to drive to nashville. kfc is just a two step away. ♪ ♪ ♪ can you say i love it? ♪ oh love it? ♪ can you say hey? ♪ hey! ♪ that's the spirit! oooooh.♪ ♪ ooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ sing sing, baby baby i love you. oh yes.♪ ♪ ooooh oooh. ♪ every little thing. ♪ ooo♪h oooh. rootmetrics, in the nation's largest independent study, tested wireless performance across the country. verizon, won big with one hundred fifty three state wins. a t and t got thirty-eight, sprint got two, and t mobile got, zero. verizon also won first in the us for data, call speed, and reliability. a t and t got, text.
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♪ let go and enjoy the bold margarita. lime-a-rita. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thanks to my panelists: ricky velez, jordan carlos, and brandon marshall. and a special thanks to neil degrasse tyson for being here. ( cheers and applause ) thank you, neil. we're almost out of time, but before we go, i'm gonna keep it a hundred. tonight's question is from @cpusavant. they ask, "#keepit100, if the only way cosby goes to prison for life was for you to swear allegiance to the patriots forever, would you?" what? ! the patriots? why the patriots? >> um... uh... >> larry: all right, i'll do it! only for that, i'll do it! i'll do it! i hate myself! >> you kept it 100%. >> larry: i hate myself, though. thanks for watching. don't forget to ask me a keep it 100 question.
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i deserve a little tea for that. thank you. i don't deserve this. i don't deserve this. >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on pointsme.tv today! popular television show and doug benson fever dream, @midnight, recently concluded its second annual "points me" competition where we found one hilarious fan to bring on the show. we got over 50,000 entries, 45,000 of which involved the words "jizz." but we finally narrowed it down to one: @milestogo13. this is some of his submissions. not only is he our #pointsme winner, he's also been playing "hashtag wars" since the beginning and has won tweet of the day four times! in the run of the show. we

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