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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  March 22, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds! this happened on twitter! it's twitter's tenth birthday, and people all over the web are celebrating with the hashtag #lovetwitter, taking a few seconds to talk about how it's changed their life, captured important events, or simply -- i definitely. [laughing] >> chris: -- i mean. ya. [cheers and apause] >> chris: i love twitter. it's been huge for me and a great way to connect with fans and people who think i've ruine -- it wouldn't exist if it
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wasn't for twitter. it's a great way to connect with fans and people who think i've ruined all of their favorite tv shows. i was actually at twitter hq this morning in san francisco. did a forum on periscope. talked with the founders of twitter. you can watch that on periscope. we've been digging around for people's first ever tweets and they are an absolute delight. here's my first tweet here. new game cabinet eliminates need for games and friends. here is one here. right now an iron sheik is -- [cheers and applause] >> chris: i want to know how it's going to end. comedians, what do you think would make the perfect last
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tweet, jon coulton. >> why are there two suns today. hru[laughing] >> chris: aimee mann. >> this glory hole tastes weird. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i'm curious. weird, how? like -- >> a tang. chris: just a tang. [laughing] dave hill. >> does anyone else feel it's impossible to [beep] when driving? >> chris: the answer is no. it's not impossible. it's time to start "@midnight." thank you, twitter, happy birthday! welcome to "@midnight." the show named after it's twitter handle.
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kp-rbd >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are performing at the triple door in seattle april 8th, tickets for next year's joco cruise are on sale now at jococruise.com, it's jonathan coulton. [cheers and applause] >> chris: performing at bridgetown comedy festival in portland with ted leo june 3rd, solo tour dates at aimeemann.com, it's aimee mann. [cheers and applause] >> chris: author of "dave hill doesn't live here anymore," available for pre-order on amazon, it's dave hill. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. [cheers and applause] here is a list of seven things that we want to talk about more than donald trump. first up is yale vs. duke. march madness is in full psychosis, and it's a great time to listen to co-workers talk endlessly about their brackets, which as far as interesting conversations go, is right up there with "i had a weird dream
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last night "and get what human thing my cat can do. but it's not all bad. during saturday's yale-duke game, twitter took to roasting the two whitest-of white-privilege colleges with memes like this, from rich kids of instagram: getting ready for yale-duke like. cool, it's "most likely to collapse the stock market" and "most liking to drown in a windsurfing accident." comedians, what's something you might overhear during this preppy tailgate party? jon coulton. >> your school with my safety school, i'm an enormous piece of [beep]. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: dave hill. >> you think you street. you ain't street. i took group tennis lessons instead of getting the one-on-one lessons i desperately needed [beep] >> chris: yes. aimee mann. >> it's still consensual if she
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says no. right. [ applause ] >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> coul controversial. >> chris: from rich kids of instagram to poor kids of infra gram. there is a reason for this. over the weekend 7-eleven held their bring your own cup day promotion where you could fill any container you wanted up with slurpee as long as it's watertight. naturally, ravenous sugar syrup addicts filled everything from water jugs to fish tanks, making this a happenedy slurpee container and a good way to give your gold fish diabetes. what was it ray coffin or a toilet. >> i know it's toilet. i want it to be coffin. >> chris: so coffin. >> ya. chris: alright should. of gone with your first instinct. it was a toilet. [cheers and applause]
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>> i -- chris: i never thought tph *eug anything would make me miss rich kids of instagram. >> i still get points? chris: no, i'm sorry. i'm sorry. your toilet -- don't you. it's not going to do anything. [cheers and applause] >> chris: no [beep] you. >> chri chris hardwick. (chanting) >> chris, it's your show, do what you want. >> chris: alright. it's with great pleasure that i will reward you all with one point [beep]. [cheers and applause] my rules! you want two points, alright two points! [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's a harsh world. new york knicks basketball
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player so charged up for saturday's game against the wizards he wasn't letting anything instant in his ways including his own fans. comedians, how many boys does he knock over? a, one. b, two. c, all three, baby. jon coulton. >> mays let it be all of them. please. >> chris: i can tell you it's the right answer. it does the make the right answer any lessen joyable. take a look. and good night. >> chris: [beep] that's what you get! there is an upside. now this kid knows what it is like to be a white dude in the nba it there it is. that's the end of rapid refresh. >> chris: and now it's time for
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tonight's. #hashtagwars. #hashtagwars. as you know, monday was twitter's 10th anniversary, and while it's impossible to put into words how revolution airy it is, we will try. tonight's hashtag is #twitterin5words examples: "get angered by some strangers" and "does kanye need our help?" i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock. starting.ùnow! >> dick pics on linkedin. chris: points. jon coulton. >> racial words. >> another one. chris: david -- >> donald trump you [beep] [beep] face. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ya, take that trump. take that! jon coulton. >> [beep], neil degrass tyson. chris: how dare you talk to our king that way. how dare you. aimee mann. >> social revolution and dick
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pics. >> why aren't you following me@ amymann. >> chris: that was the end of #hashtagwars. keep the game going. we will be right back with more "@midnight." [cheers and applause] >> chris: today's tweet of the day presented by burger king is from @teamsexydork. well done!
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play amateur hour. amateur hour. [cheers and applause] >> chris: in an on-line world where rihanna and beyonceé are constantly blowing our minds with amazing videos, it's nice to take a moment to appreciate the independent artists out there, making videos with a shoestring budget, a dream, and, judging by the looks of things, some really questionable drugs. i'm going to show you an amateur video from youtube. and for 250 points you're going to have to answer a question about it. first up, the hit dance track "hot arsenoid". ♪ ♪ >> chris: like this? [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: that swagger is business down here and coma up top. [laughing] [cheers and applause] will be [cheers and applause] >> thank you. chris: let me see your butt. >> we're trying to have a nice meal here. okay. music journalists love to describe artists as "something meets something else." how would you describe this guy? jonathan. >> aimee mann meets dave hill. [cheers and applause] >> i actually see it. >> ya. >. chris: i will give you a thousand dollars if you cover this song. aimee mann. >> holy [beep], [beep] no.
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[laughing] >> chris: points. dave hill. >> clone me remarkably supportive sisters appearing in this music video. [cheers and applause] >> chris: points. >> chris: next up, the high tech wizardry of loke wilson. ♪ ♪ can what's a line from your review of his live show? >> i came for the lack of eye contact and stayed for the sleep apnea. >> chris: jon coulton. >> the venue was a shed in his backyard. i love getting killed by him though. >> chris: points.
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>> chris next up, these "grateful dads" featuring douche springsteen. ♪ ♪ [laughing] what does this guy's moustache smell like? >> chris: dave hill. >> freedom and -- pussy. [cheers and applause] >> don't act like you don't know. >> chris: ya. >> don't have to tell this old greyhound. >> chris: points, points. >> thank you. ya! >> chris: next up, an amazing artist whose name really is, i (/ bleep/ ) you not, "queen of vagina".
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♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> chris: this is a huge hit song. what's the follow-up track. >> my vagina has a first name it's p-u-s-s-y. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of "amateur hour." it's time for our living challenge #6 second song. we have seen the less popular music and there is a lot on vine. hard to follow comedy sketches, and parents monetizing their babies are hidden little musical gems, like this one: ♪ i'll let it go so deep inside
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there is no fire. "what if jack johnson and adam sandler released a comedy -- what it would sound like. [cheers and applause] >> chris: amateur musicians can squeeze strabgts into 1 second songs this is a easy task for panel of professional musicians. so comedians, please record your own six-second song. we'll be right back with more "@midnight" at coors, we lager, filter and package cold for a cleaner, crisper taste. because every climb deserves a refreshing finish. whatever your mountain.
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climb on. ♪uh oh. oh. henry! oh my. good, you're good. back, back, back. (vo) according to kelley blue book, subaru has the highest resale value of any brand. again. you might find that comforting. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. someone's hacked all our technology... say, have you seen all the amazing technology
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in geico's mobile app? mobile app? look. electronic id cards, emergency roadside service, i can even submit a claim. wow... yep, geico's mobile app works like a charm. geico. expect great savings and a whole lot more. this is me talking to hela policia.cancun. this girl? totally sweating me. and uh, i don't even remember taking this one. you realize this is a job interview.
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i know, i wanted to show you how proficient i am in social media. we'll be in touch. excuse me. hello? hi, i'm just following up on the interview. dimpatient. dim and impatient. hunger keeps inventing new problems, so we invented new snickers crisper.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you some bad six-second songs on vine, like this: it's "ho ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> chris: don't worry the ghost will not come near that room now. [laughing] i asked you to come up with your own six-second songs. let's see what you came up with. start with the first one ♪ guess what ♪ i'm on television [laughing]
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[cheers and applause] >> extra time. had extra time. >> chris: next up aimee, i believe ♪ ♪ perfect ♪ [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> beautiful. chris: i love it, it sounds like an aimee mann song. it sounds like an actual song. next up, dave hill. [cheers and applause] ♪ take that everyone from high school [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: i will give a thousand points to aimee mann. i will give 500 to dave hill. i'm giving 500 to jon coulton. now the game is dead even almost. you have to work for it now.
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[cheers and applause] it's time to play first draft movie quotes. first draft movie quotes. movies are great not only because they often feature tom hardy doing a weird accent with his shirt off, me-oww, but also because they give us such memorable quotes! from "life is like a box of chocolates" to pretty much anything from "the big lebowski." but all good writing takes work, and i'm sure some of those timeless words sucked before they were great. so comedians, i want you to give me as many first drafts of famous movie quotes as you can. examples might be, "life is like a box of (/ bleep/ )" or "come with me if you want to continue breathing." and taking oxygen and verting it to carbon dioxide. the first draft is always very bad. very bad. begin. jonathan. >> i will have what leg ryan is having, an owe ga orgasm.
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>> chris: dave hill. >> my name is james bond, what is your name. >> i'm not competely sparticus. >> i hope the fences holdup it's jurassic park. >> the big shark. chris: dave hill. >> murder backyards. murder backyards. murder backyards. [cheers and applause] >> chris: amy. >> it's guest human relations to have snakes on this plane. >> chris: points. jonathan colton. >> i see dead people, for instance you, you're dead. >> chris: points. that's the end of first draft movie quotes. jon coulton you're in third place by 50 points. the internet is going to be furious -frl. >> not at me.
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chris: no, me. if you don't have any of jonathan coulton's albums you should. a pwr *eupbt brilliant comedy song writer. red light! >> chris: that means it's time to do the batdance. it's for the win! [cheers and applause] the internet was abuzz today with the news that prince, the purple sex wizard is otherworldly sex wizard that's been making us hard and moist since 1978, is releasing a memoir! no doubt this nasty tome will be the sexiest rock biography since --marilyn manson's "coffins i've -- and blues
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traveler's "treat the pussy like a harmonica." comedians, not that you have anything close to the erotic imagination of the purple one, but i want you to dig down into your sexiest crevice and yank us out a potential passage from prince's memoir. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause]
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you've got your go-to your go-to lay up. good thing you've got your go-to-snack. baked with real ingredients. no artificial flavors or colors. introducing good thins. your go-to good. i love to take pictures that engage people. and to connect us with the wonderment of nature. the detail on this surface book is amazing. with the tiger image, the saliva coming off and you got this turning. that's why i need this kind of resolution and computing power. being able to use a pen like this. on the screen directly with the image. it just gives me a different relationship to it. and i can't do that on my mac. this is brilliant for me. ♪
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. it's a exciting day, you control this. before the break, i showed you the news that prince is writing a memoir and asked you to whip up a potential passage. let's see what you wrote. first one ... preface, a special thanks to my ghost writer is who is an actual ghost. [cheers and applause] >> chris: or ... did i [beep] the dolphin [beep] me, who knows the important thing is that purple rain was at the top of the charts. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: who is number two? dave hill. amy is going to follow you now. she is going to follow you on
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twitter. ya, dave is the funniest person the next 24 hours. >> chris: we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be jenny johnson, cameron esposito, and rhea butcher. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #twitterin5words and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. chrishardwick on snapchat. see you late. [ cheers and applause ] last week, the senate in my home state of missouri passed a bill amending the state constitution that would allow businesses to discriminate against gays and lesbians. this is like that "no shirts, no shoes, no service" policy, only they want to refuse service to way nicer shirts and shoes. [ laughter ] ugh. get with it, missouri. i mean, you should be flattered if gay people want to eat at your restaurant or stay in your hotel or buy your wedding cake. i mean, they have great taste. [ laughter ] oh, but god doesn't want your cake to be a part of a gay wedding? guess what -- none of us want to

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