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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  March 31, 2016 2:40am-3:41am PDT

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(cheers and applause) >> larry: we're almost out of
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time. before we go, i'm going to keep it 100. tonight's question is from an audience member named adeija. let's take a look. >> hey larry, who's got it tougher: blacks or hispanics? i can ask that 'cause i'm both. keep it 100. >> larry: ooh! i was going to say black hispanics. (laughter) you know what? i'm sticking with my answer. i think black hispanics. >> oh... >> larry: i'm sticking with that. thanks for watching. don't forget to ask me your keep it 100 questions on twitter. goodnightly, everyone! >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened in america today!
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for months, voters across this great land of ours, and also michigan, have been tasked with the incredible responsibility of choosing our next president. and boy, have they been blowing it. but a field that once started with 21 presidential candidates and one precocio us school boy bo snuck into the debate wearing his brothers jacket has been narrowed down to five. tonight, we welcome two of them to our stage. we're hosting them tonight because not only are they polar political opposites, but they both have a ring of authenticity to their supporters that bucks the traditional political system. they're both very active on social media-- one as a socialist, the other, a sociopath-- and they're here to desperately pander for your votes on the first-ever @midnight presidential debate.
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phraurs. >> chris: thank you, yes, of course. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our first candidate, donald j. trump. >> chris: thank you. thank you for being here. ( audience boos ) >> get 'em out of here. >> get 'em out of here. >> get 'em out of here. chris: mr. trump we're not ejecting anyone from the you'd yens for booing you. >> waterboard them, then kill their families. >> chris: that's your solution for everything. >> chris: and senator bernie sanders. your opponent tonight. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> audience: bernie! >> thank you. thank you. thank you for being here. giving us your time on "@midnight." you had a lot of choices and you came here. we appreciate it you alright, senator sander? >> i don't think this guy is going to make it to the election. unbelievable. >> save it for the issues. chris: it's now time to start with our candidates in place. the first ever "@midnight" presidential debate. here we go. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. i'm wearing a very our guests tonight are the starts of "trump versus bernie." make no mistake this is definitely trump and sanders. [cheers and applause] >> chris: philosophically. i would like the crowd to be respectful. don't shout out anything like "lick me, grandaddy," or "eat ( bleep ), you racist orange cum stain." these are presidential candidates, not ( bleep ) bois. now, we'll offer each of them 30 seconds for opening statements. senator sanders, we'll start with you. >> thank you, chris. my brothers and sisters, we're winning hearts, we are winning minds, and from
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time to time winning states. [cheers and applause] >> idaho utah and arizona. i thank you. two and a half of you i thank. we won two the endorsement of the soy and tofu packers union. i thank them for their endorsements. we have tremendous supporters. i'm endorsed by one half of crosby, stills, nash and young. which is also two-thirds of crosby, stills nash. and look we're win ago hong key demographics that's important to keep in mind. voters who shop at whole foods and yet feel guilty about shopping at whole foods. we're winning 92% of the vote.
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[cheers and applause] >> the voters from households where the primary mode of transportation is a bicycle we're winning 88% of the vote. >> chris: thank you, senator. >> if i might, chris. voters under 21 years of age we're winning 121% of the vote. we are winning and will continue to win. >> excuse me. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i would like to remained everyone to stick to time. senator sanders went about an hour and a half beyond the 30 seconds. >> excuse me i haven't been on tv that much this year. >> chris: mr. trump. >> let me tell you, chip. this country, we're losing. we don't win. i have same policy on women as i do chinese, which is china is our enemy. i will tell you this.
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china is the enemy. we started with 27 people on the a hrapbt. the android face walked off. i have received a rose in every single ceremony since then. i'm going to test hydrogen bombs in iowa. i can tell that you. i came in second. i dug a hole in iowa on the way out. and i sexually assaulted the state. i can tell you this jeb bush a very low energy guy. jeb bush was the terri schiavo of the candidates. the eyes clicking back and forth. somebody put a needle in his neck. chris christie a great guy. chris christie, i threw a paperclip at him at a debate and it went into orbit. if i become president i will name it a moon in our solar system. i tell you that. and karlie fee rena will be the
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new white house horse. i tell that you. >> chris: that's all the time we have for intros. >> i think there is -- this may not be the debate you get but this is the debate you deserve. >> chris: okay. thank you. thought provoking discourse. we have to take a quick break. we will be right back continuing our debate with donald trump and bernie sanders when we retu
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>> chris: welcome back to the "@midnight" presidential debate. i'm the host of everything, christiane amanpour. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." we are talking about a wide variety of issues today. gentlemen, a lot of internet issues. you're familiar with that. let's begin. >> i do have a modem yes. >> i have a mexican guy who reads the internet to me. wonderful guy. hello, baco. >> chris: every crazy thing he says makes him more popular. >> i'm a demon. a demon, a demon on earth. >> chris: now voters, you've heard these two comment on a wide variety of political topics on other news programs on debates, but we're a show about the internet and we want to discuss topics that affect internet americans. our first topic is environmental activism. the state of the environment is a very real concern to everyday americans, which is why millions
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of web-users were glued to their laptops this week following the story of a crazy dude in a tree. here we go. this is a bearded, shirtless seattle man climbed the majestic conifer tuesday and refused to come down, throwing apples at officials and generally being the most seattle person ever [cheers and applause] perhaps most disturbingly, the tree never gave its consent. mr. sanders, the tree man came down earlier this afternoon, but how do you respond to this growing trend of tree dwellers? >> sure i thank you for that question. let me say this. when i say that i mean i'm going to say something. >> as the only candidate who has lived in a tree, i support tree -- i believe i have clarity on this issue. i think we have a vision of the
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future. i support tree dwellers and think it's a fantastic way to solve the housing crisis. having people climb up trees rather than cut them down. [cheers and applause] >> chris: mr. trump, how do you respond? >> i will tell you. i've had a number of my friends murdered by trees-- sonny bono, edward kennedy. liam niesan's wife. they were all murdered by trees. terrible. if i become president we'll get rid of every tree and turn forests into glass. we've got to use these nukes! we haven't used them in years. >> chris: next topic. with the debate raging over filling the upcoming supreme court vacancy, sarah palin is getting her own "judge judy"-style courtroom show. some have pointed out that sarah
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palin doesn't even have a law degree, but, on the other hand, not being qualified to do something has never stopped sarah palin from doing anything. some legal experts are concerned about how she's going to pass sentence on others when she can't even get past a sentence herself. take i listen. >> we believe -- we, oh don't you they think they're like of the devil or something. liberals -- you want to send those evil employees dare work at a fast food joint, you don't believe in. i thought you wanted to send them to purchasing tor purgator. >> chris: it just goes on and on. since the frighteningly unqualified sarah palin will now be judging in a court of law, please suggest a case judge palin might preside over. senator sanders, we'll start with you. >> i have a class action lawsuit. "sanders vs. vlasic pickles." i'm suing them, and i'm tired of not being able to open those jars. and i think the big pickles need to be broken up.
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but i will add i did not vote to confirm judge judy. i will not vote to confirm judge sara palin. [cheers and applause] >> chris: thank you, senator sanders. mr. trump. >> sarah is a beautiful woman very, very beautiful woman. wonderful skin. great skin. incredible skin. i wouldn't pay attention to this. i'm sorry, kyle. i won't pay attention. i don't care. i don't care what she says, i'm just looking at her and thinking about sliding somewhere. i tell you like a slupe. i will put the mute on she makes no sense. i will i will have her mouth sewn shut if i become president. >> chris: i will give you points on be half of the audience. [ applause ] >> chris: candidates, throughout the debate, we'll be asking you questions submitted from people online. our first one covers the
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important topic of religion. always a topic people are comfortable speaking reasonable about. twitter user @wayneaschneider asked which of you is more like jesus? trump, let's started wit let's . >> i love the bible. i've read the whole book. i love both corinthians. i love both of them. they're incredible. i love their leather. book of job, incredible. job is in the bible. jobs is in the bible. if our president wasn't reading the koran, maybe he'd know that. here it is, important. jesus, most boring part of the book. very boring guy. they should of chopped him up. they should cut him out. he came back like voltron. i would be a better jesus. way better jesus. way better jesus. >> chris: okay, from the audience *p yen's reaction points for trump.
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>> i'm far older then jesus ever was. maybe he could have run for emperor of rome. if he lived as long as i did. let me tell you this, i'm not particularly religious. however i do have a holy spirit like affect on vermont and vermont like people. wherever two or more birkenstocks are gathered, i am in the mix. [cheers and applause] >> chris: points for senator sanders. we need to go to a quick commercial break to pay off this flag we spent our budget on. we will continue our "@midnight" debate between donald trump and debate between donald trump and bernie sanders, when w
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or you can spend it on this. you could spend your dollar on this. this? or this. this? or any of these ten delicious items on taco bell's new $1 morning value menu. it's not even fair. [sfx: bong] >> chris: thank you for joining us. welcome back to the "@midnight" presidential debate i'm chris [beep] hard rick. our next topic agriculture. you have strong roots in farming. senator sanders you have lived near animals and farms most of
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your life. donald, you have been raising what looks like an animal on your forehead. this image was at the top of reddit. it shows a chicken crossing the road there. judging by the chicken's plate ant disregard for others and it's coloring i guess a trump supporter, candidates why did this chicken cross the road. why did the chicken cross the road. let's start with you, mr. trump. >> i want to start with something very important, chuck. very important. i have been to this intersection. this is right on the border. that's an i am grant kh *eupb chicken. i'm telling you now. there are many mexican chickens. i have been mexico. i have seen the chickens. we have to find out if it's a rapist chicken or murder chicken. i prom you this we are building a incredible coop along the southern border. i guarantee you that. i guarantee you that.
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i guarantee you. >> points, senator sanders. >> chris, i think it's important to understand i was made aware of this story. i immediately went down to have a listen and sat down with the chicken. i heard their concerns and i talked to relatives, family members of this particular chicken. it turns out he crossed the road to draw attention to the crumbling infrastructure the chickens face every day of their lives. [cheers and applause] >> a little glass chicken i -- e class chicken is not able to raise the same 40 eggs. their coops are in disrepair. if i'm president i promise to spend billions of dollars on chicken wire. they deserve better just like human beings. [cheers and applause] >> chris: thank you, senator sanders for. that.
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>> unbelievable. [cheers and applause] >> chris: mr. trump, unbelievable. >> unbelievable. just unbelievable. we should wipe them all out and use their eggs just like women. >> chris: okay. we have another question from the internet now. what would your position be within a human centipede? let's start with you this time, senator sanders. >> that's a fare question, chris. i believe that, for sure i would not be in the top one percent of the human centipede with the bankers and people up there in charge of everything. i would be in the bottom 80% along with everybody else. i would fight to strengthen the middle class within the human centipede. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. >> i'm not -- not a hundred percent sure a person at the front of a human centipede has more power than anyone in the centipede. >> i disagree with the numbers. if you want to fact check, chris.
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i can show you numbers. i read the documents for two weeks all of the print outs and reports i could find on human centipede. it's tragic what they go through. the disappearing middle class, the thorax of the centipede needs to be in hand. >> excuse me. chris: trump, your rebuttal. >> first i would do a human millipede. far way bigger, more luxurious. a hue mab millipede would be so much bigger. i only do millipedes, i tell you. my position of the human centipede would be in the corner jerking off watching those people. >> chris: points for your honesty. >> i do not jerk off. i, this is a important distinction between me and mr. trump. i do not jerk off. i don't need. to i do things with no hands. hands free, that's how i am. >> i have ejaculated three times
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during this debate. [laughing] >> chris: senator sanders. >> i have ejaculated since jesse jackson won the 1988 georgia primary, and i saved that ejaculate in jars for future use. >> chris: thank you, senator sanders. trump. i'm envisioning all of that now. i envision pumpkin spice latte coming out of you. and clouds of evaporated milk shooting into the either. >> i tell you that puck - pumpke latte is a double shot. a double shot. >> chris: thank you mr. trump for activating my gag reflection. >> it's rice milk. chris: we have to stop the discussion to shove our [beep] minds in our skulls. we will continue our debate with bernie sanders and donald trump when we come back. [cheers and applause]
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wealthy ryan seacrest. we are here with a fake internet game show, let's continue. next up tech innovations. [cheers and applause] >> chris: a key part of our economy is the tech sector, and there are some exciting new innovations from one of the industry's leaders, pornhub. senator sanders, this is a web site young people visit to se >> -- yes i understand. what do you want? >> chris: not familiar if you're familiar with the porn hub. nudity of the sort you might recognize from a deck of those saucy playing cards your buddy brought back from the war. >> sure a nickelodeon picture. chris: yes, a nickelodeon picture. mr. trump, you know pornhub as the place you go to find a new ex-wife. >> low blow, very low blow. alright. i watch -- >> chris: your cat fore. >> i watch home movies of my daughter. i can tell you that. keep it in the family.
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well, they made waves this week by announcing plans to give away free v.r. goggles for their virtual reality adult films. let's take a look at the film. >> whoa, whoa, whoa. >> see, dad, your own headset. it's like you're really there. [laughing] chris: so, this brings up a very interesting question. porn for the elderly, what does that look like? what would you like to see in a blue movie for the a.a.r.p. set? >> first of all i want to point out that's why you wear boxers and briefs. i would leave pornographic stuff for the states. i believe it has no place in our money shots.
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i believe core rations should be oust pornographic pictures. i wouldn't mind seeing some recreated porn with betty boop. so i can once again fantasize about performing on my favorite pin up model, betty boop. [cheers and applause] >> chris: thank you, senator. i just -- this is a quick, a quick point somewhere you know betty boop is a animated character, not a real human being -frplg. >> i had a fun time when i was young. >> chris: good. mr. trump, what makes a good adult film? >> i enjoy japanese crying films. china is ahead of us on robot octopus tentacles. they're ahead of us. we ship 38% on robot tentacles, china does it all. if i become president every
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women in the united states will have a large octopus tentacle inside of them. look, i like seeing them cry because they lost the war. >> chris: i feel bad about giving points for that. [cheers and applause] >> chris: the audience decrees that. one more question from the internet. why don't goats fall through the earth. >> there was a time in this country we took care of our tkpwoelts. the reason that ghosts didn't fall through the earth there was a social welfare safety net to keep them from falling. that has eroded since reagan was president. i promise i will give the ghosts a fare shot like a human being. ghosts are just very elderly people. >> excuse me. excuse me. [cheers and applause]
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>> i do want to say one thing. if i become president i will make a lot more ghosts. i guarantee you that. i will make a lot more ghosts. so many ghosts. >> chris: a lot of people, there seems to be a growing trend people are upset most ghosts in film and television always tend to be white. senator sanders, would you like to comment on that. >> sure i understand i am known as a white male. i'm on tumblr, that's wrong. i have educated myself through reblogs. let me say this in my administration i think the ghosts will be diverse just like my cab nate and everyone around me. the ghosts in the administration will be multicolored like the ghosts in a pac-man game. [cheers and applause] >> chris: thank you, very much.
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mr. trump. [cheers and applause] >> chris: a little time left in this part of the debate. any comments on ghost diversity? >> i will say something very, very important about ghosts. they wear white sheets. we don't know what is underneath them. we don't know what is underneath them. much like a great company that supports me. an incredible energy company that supports me called triple-k. a british guy his name is david, a duke. he tells me about a alternate energy called white power, unbriefable. apparently. apparently white power has been running this country for 350 years. hi no idea. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. i think i'm -- i think i'm -- [laughing] >> i want to get your attention, chris. i always hear music and sometimes i like that play
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along. >> chris: that's the end of "rapid refresh: presidential debate edition." we will decide who will end up in the white house after the show. we'll be holding a special "presidential hashtag war" later in the show. we'll continue our @midnight debate with donald trump and senator bernie sanders when we return. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's "hashtag war" is from @mylittlegarrone. @mylittlegarrone. presented by burger king. jack knocked over a candlestick, onto the shag carpeting... ...and his pants ignited into flames, causing him to stop, drop and roll. luckily jack recently had geico help him with renters insurance. because all his belongings went up in flames. jack got full replacement and now has new pants he ordered from banana republic. visit geico.com and see how affordable renters insurance can be.
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[sfx: bong]
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to the @midnight presidential debate. the only presidential debate relative to your interests and determine once in for all who will run the white house. let's jump into another question. blaze8 asks who is the better kisser. mr. sanders, let's start with you? >> it's hard to say. i guarantee i'm not kissing donald trump. i make my wife happy. we have nice romantic times on
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the boat, we read each others statistics from the bureau of labor statistics. >> chris: points for senator sanders. mr. trump. >> when i was 13 years old i went to have my first kiss from a beautiful girl i purchased from bea dubai. she shamed me and my mouth has been stuck in paper pet you'll kiss since then. >> chris: i see. senator sanders. >> what do you need. chris: follow-up question -- how do you feel about muppets rights. >> i understand i look like i'm running for president of the muppet show. i believe we owe it to young
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muppets, fragiles to make sure they go to college for free. and i believe older muppets should be able to see a doctor to look at their holes when they need it. >> chris: thank you. [cheers and applause] >> chris: trump, a rebuttal. >> first off i have worked with doozers my life. they're incredible builders. they have built incredible buildings for me. the fragites eat them. these sesame street, unbelievable. cookie monster, so addicted to cookies. i hear he sucks felt in the ali. i heard he sucks felt. >> chris: that's here say. >> i don't know anything. i say things and then i hope people, i hope people commit acts of violence as a result. >> chris: points. >> donald, i think the day panic and shaming of sex workers is no
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place on sesame street or main street. >> excuse me. kim, listen to me, okay. >> chris: a man's name. >> i don't have a problem with gay issues. bernie and i run up on this. we're not running a tray on each other i will say this i support lesbians picking up wood in vermont. >> mr. trump, i will have you know lesbians picking up wood in vermont is our number two industry. >> wonderful. >> excuse me. >> i love the lesbian wood industry. chinese lesbians are being sent to pick up wood for half the price. how many are we having that are
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chinese? i want american lesbians to pick up our wood. i don't need chinese lesbians. >> america, the choice is yours. you can a hrebgt the monopoly man with the money in his bag or you can elect me the boot from monopoly. [cheers and applause] >> audience: bernie! chris: that is -- i'm sorry. >> chris: it's time for our live challenge, "attack of the ad." [cheers and applause] candidates, let's pivot now to an important part of the american political tradition: attack ads. tearing down your opponent for everything from hand size to the way their hair looks like the pubes of an elderly yeti is an effective tool for swaying voters. takes everything from the real issues. take, for example, this classic 2010 ad by carly fiorina on her opponent, tom campbell.
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>> your current brilliant solution, a wolf in sheep's clothing. a man who literally put the path of california on a path of bankruptcy and higher taxes. >> chris: i believe the two vicious old tkpwrupls can do better. candidates, your challenge is to create an original attack against your opponent. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! presidential debate. presidential debate. [cheers and applause] ♪ we're gonna have some fun now ♪ now at chili's, char-crusted sizzling sirloin. ancho chile garlic rub atop a usda choice cut. now available as part of our $20 dinner for two. ♪ so we brought in world-renowned brainiac, to help him.n taxes. take your finger and press it right here.
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no-holds-barred challenge asking you to make political attack ads against each other. let's see what you came up with. mr. trump, we will start with you. >> i'm donald trump. bernie sanders this guy is only three years older than me. he looks absolutely terrible. he looks like the templar at the end of last crusade. america needs to choose wisely. bernie sanders shouldn't be president. he will be eating alone in a denny's the rest of his life. do we want a president who looks like he has old soup on his lip. it's like watching "death of a salesman" for four years. kids, he's not your grandpa. will he slip and die in a bathtub and then we will be stuck with vice president whoopi goldberg. who wants. that i'm the president america deserves. i can tell you that. >> chris: alright. [cheers and applause] >> chris: senator standers, your ad. >> okay, look. ya, it's me bernie sanders.
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an attack ad i don't want to do it. i'm running a clean campaign. i don't have time for this [beep]. in the interest of radical transparency i will run an attack ad against myself. bernie, you're a jerk. you smell like old bananas, nobody knows better than you. you look like ray bradbury. where do you get off, you bum. literally where do you get off. you are a sleep on the subway. i'm westerny sanders, i approve this message. i do not approve the bernie sanders. we're done. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i'm going to give a thousand points for donald trump for not blinking. i'm going to give a thousand points to bernie sanders for ruthlessly attacking himself for some reason. [cheers and applause] >> chris: we now turn to the
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subject of war-- specifically, the "hashtag war." tonight, we're wondering what it would be like if mr. sanders' finger was on the button, especially one that does something other than alert his flight attendant. what would mr. trump do as head of state, besides negging angela merkel? well, gentlemen, now is your opportunity to go head-to-head, mano-a-mano, to tell voters what the world would look like if you your time chance for their approval. if you were sitting in the oval office, with tonight's hashtag: #ifiwerepresident. examples: "our national parks would become national golf courses" and "the white house would get a chairlift." either one, either way. we will go back an back and for. senator sanders. >> if i was president. hail to the chief would be played by the band fish. it would take 25 minutes every time i walk into a room. >> chris: points. mr. trump. if i was president we would have the first lady-daughter of the united states.
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>> chris: senator sanders. kp-rbd >> i would put rich wall street bankers in same prison as mag. in neto goes in. not letting them out for sequels. >> chris: mr. trump. >> if i was president would i hunt down rosie o'donnell like osama bin laden. >> chris: mr. sanders. >> i would institute a national netflix account with one password so we're no longer burdening our seniors. [cheers and applause] >> chris: do you know what -- what you would watch if everyone was on the same account? >> they don't understand. it would be bones all day long. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars."
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that means it's time for closing statements; it's "for the win!" [cheers and applause] >> chris: very important part of the show. definitely trump, absolute see sanders came here to determine who would be the next president of the united states. we have a history of people on this show winning debates and winning the white house. you both came here on this fake show to show the american people that you understand the internet. both of you are representative of social media's ability to give everyone a voice, regardless of how orange or hunchbacked they are. as such, for your final challenge of the night, it makes sense for you to show the internet that you know how to speak their language: emoji, the primary means of communication for both teen girls and people pretending to be teen girls in order to catch predators. candidates, i want you to deliver one last message to the american people tonight using
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean. rendering all gameplay meaning less. begging the question why go through the exercise if it comes down to one question. now your closing remarks. bernie, you. >> i've got a message for mainstream media: you should put me on tv sometimes. i just did it, and it wasn't so
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bad. when you -- when you put me on tv don't just have the audio cut out where you see me pantamiming and chris matthews is blabbering over me, telling you what i'm saying. i'm a loud guy. put it on tv. we don't need to know what chris matthews is saying. chris is saying something we've already heard about tip o'neil. i'm a loud [beep] guy put it on tv. and i'd also like to ask for money, any small change or any under a dollar i would take it i'll accept a partially used gift card. parts of a bitcoin. we almost have a full bitcoin. i will take bus tokens. thank you, very much. >> chris: thank you, senator sanders. [cheers and applause] mr. trump, your closing remarks.
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>> if i become president, i will be bored within ten days. i'm getting a cabinet that makes dick cheney look like marlow thomas in "friends of you and me." we are going to get a terrible group to run this country. i am the beast at the end of the bible, and i will destroy this planet. i tell you this ( audience boos ) >> get 'em out of here. >> all hecklers will be taken care of with healthcare. >> you had your time, pwerby. bernie. we're getting rid of the kaiser, unify germany and make it the diamond of europe for the next 1,000 years i pledge that. i hope you pledge with me. >> chris: no. >> make a pledge with me. chris: don't do that. >> we will make america and -- -
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[booing] >> get them out of here. get them out of here. get them out of here. >> chris: now i will read your answers allowed. you the audience will decide the winner. i will read these so you don't know who wrote what. i asked you deliver a message with emojis. >> i like them. chris: it's japanese in origin. >> no i have sat down with the community. >> chris: no, you haven't. they're not real. >> the chinese. >> they're the people. chris: no, they're pictograms. you told me privately what they mean. i will interpret them for the audience. first one, first emoji. [laughing] feel the burn, live the burn, speak the bern.

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