Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  April 4, 2016 9:35am-10:12am PDT

9:35 am
>> thank as for watching, don't forget to ask me keep it a hundred. challenge me guys, challenge me, happy easter. everybody. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to the "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! you guys are amazing. thank you so much. my guests tonight from the new movie "born to be blue" ethan hawke is here!
9:36 am
(cheers and applause) but before we begin, the other day on the show we talked a little about artificial intelligence and how computers are learning to play games, solve puzzles and enslave humans. but it turns out they're going to start by taking over twitter. >> microsoft adding artificial intelligence to social media. company launched a chatbox named tay to learn how millennials communicate. >> created by mashing together public data. >> twitter is using emogies and short hand. >> she's expected to speak bert as she talks with teens and young adults. >> trevor: wow, robots on twitter, are you at sara corner, follow me if you want to live. (laughter) here's what i love, microsoft programmed a robot to learn how humans communicate and the
9:37 am
avenue they chose was twitter. how did that work out? well, these are some of tay's actual tweets. she started out sharing an upbeat, hello world! and then telling her new friends, i'm stoked to meet you! humans are super cool! and then -- this is completely real, people -- as her program was intended, tay began to learn how people on twitter actually talked. then she tweeted out, bush did 9/11! (laughter) and then she continued to tweet, race war now! (laughter) and then she tweeted the holocaust was made up. (audience reacts) yes, but then included the handclapping emoji, so you know she's fun loving. (laughter) people on twitter are freaked out. they asked tay, hey, are you a racist? to which he she replied, because you are a mexican! (laughter)
9:38 am
she figured twitter out. this is easily the most offensive product to come out of microsoft since that fascist paper clip they made. (applause) but let's move on. you know, it's been a few days since the brussels terror attacks and many people, especially those in europe, are still reeling from the events, but despite the awfulness of what happened, it's been heartening to see the people of europe coming together at a time like. this and it was just important for their leaders to respond with a positive message. >> we all stand together with our ally belgium. >> we need to stand together against these appalling terrorists. >> we have offered the belgian government all possible assistance. >> i've expressed to the belgian government our indispensable support. >> we are allies in this battle. they can scare and divide it, as long as we don't allow that, we'll be okay.
9:39 am
>> trevor: the number one thing to understand during these times is we are stronger when united. it was awkward and i'm sure you noticed obama was speaking from a slightly more casual setting, which really must have been awkward for him because he's at a baseball game in cuba, which is fun, but at the same time you have to deliver a solemn message about an attack in europe, you know. now you're part of that crowd and it's, like, we're really sorry for everything that happened. our hearts are with the people. peanuts, peanuts, please! peanuts... and condolences. (laughter) after such a thing, i feel as though the immediate response should always be about the victims. unfortunately, there are always those who use these times to score political points. >> president obama's happily at a baseball game yucking it up with the castros communist dictators rather than being in america, rather than traveling to brussels and standing with our friends and allies. >> trevor: yeah, you don't see me yucking it up with dictators, or with anyone.
9:40 am
(laughter) i tried to, but every time i laugh, their skin melts off their bones. (laughter) (applause) you know, ted cruz -- first of all, you're a sanctimonious jackass. (applause) second of all, president obama doesn't need to go to belgium for them to know he's an ally. it's not like all the european presidents went to belgium after the attacks and they're within driving distance. they could have gotten there in one of those silly little cars they drive. that's not a car. what is that thing? wouldn't that be the last thing the prime minister needs, house guests? people just popping up, we brought lasagna! (laughter) seriously, why are you exploiting a terror attack in brussels to tell a president how long he could visit cuba? obama had a good response. >> groups like i.s.i.l can't
9:41 am
destroy or defeat us. their primary power in addition to killing innocent lives is to strike fear in our societies, to disrupt our societies. it is very important for us to not respond with fear. >> trevor: president obama's right. yeah. (applause) terrorists win when we allow them to disrupt our way of life, and we are afraid. it's true. i'm not going to lie. we have to try and live with that. if i was obama, i wouldn't let them disrupt my way of life. look what he's been doing this week. baseball in cuba. dancing with a beautiful woman in argentina. and this is true, he even appeared on cuba's number one comedy show. ♪ obama, obama ♪ so nice you came to havana >> that's a beautiful song. thank you so much! >> trevor: wow. looking at that show, it's not just the cars they haven't changed in 50 years.
9:42 am
that looks like cuba is a time capsule of comedy. ♪ obama, obama... ♪ i love this idea a lot. this is the new diplomacy. obama goes to corks on a comedy show makes jokes, now people love him. so now rauúl castro comes to an american comedy show and do a spot on "modern family." one of those wacky episodes, gloria coming in and sauce, ah, commandant castro, what are you doing to manny! oh, no, why would you torture him? why would you torture him? i said torture, like help him with math and science. not torture. why don't you understand? (laughter) i love that show. i'm serious. you know, it feels like the extreme reaction over belgium
9:43 am
isn't happening in belgium. for some strange reason, the most extreme reaction is happening here. >> cruz writing in a statement that to prevent a similar attack in the u.s., muslim neighborhoods should be patrolled and secured by law enforcement. >> we need law enforcement resources directed there, we need national security forces directed there. we will use overwhelming air power to carpet bomb i.s.i.s. into oblivion. >> would you start torturing him rght away or see if he would cooperate and share information because belgian police say h he has been talking. >> well, you know, he may be talking but he'll talk a lot faster with the torture. >> trevor: no, trump... tutor not torture! okay, i'm done with that. man, that guy, i get the urge to overreact right off in catastrophe. but this is not the right time to rush into irreversible decisions. remember a few weeks ago the beef between apple and the f.b.i.? the f.b.i. needed apple to
9:44 am
unlock the san bernardino terrorist's phone. the dispute was headed to federal because apple kept saying this -- >> we need to decide as a nation how much power the government should have over our data and over our privacy. we did not expect to be in this position, at odds with our own government, but we believe strongly that we have a responsibility to help you protect your data and protect your privacy, and we will not shrink from this responsibility. >> trevor: tim cook might as well have come out at the apple event and said, f.b.i., you can unlock our new iphone with just one finger. might as well have said that. apple wasn't backing down. so the whole thing was headed for a showdown.
9:45 am
suddenly, monday, the phish canceled its genius bar appointment. >> the f.b.i. saying they may not need apple's help to unlock the phone. >> the federal government saying they may not need to take apple to court saying they believe they can hack into an iphone, something they said they could not do without apple's help. >> trevor: are you (bleep) [ble? the whole country was wrestling with privacy versus security and the f.b.i. said, oh, hey! the key was in my other pocket the whole time! my bad! i had the key! i didn't know! (applause) my favorite part, though, is how apple responded to f.b.i. >> apple's lawyers do say that if the d.o.j. per sues the case, the company will insist the government reveal the alleged security vulnerability so it can be addressed. >> trevor: please just take a moment to appreciate this
9:46 am
irony -- apple now wants the f.b.i. to tell them how they're going to crack the iphone, to which i'm sure the f.b.i. will respond, sure thing, apple, it's easy, you can unlock it with one finger! (applause) and we even made a fancy cover for it! are we good now? we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) okay, what is this?
9:47 am
9:48 am
9:49 am
we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) it's chewy. really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a breakthrough in cool. ice breakers cool blasts. this is violet. she's been waiting for this moment for awhile. a moment other kids wouldn't think twice about. her first bowl of cheerios. because now that cheerios are gluten free, violet, and many others are enjoying their first bowl today.
9:50 am
the new craftsman pro series riding mowers. ♪ now available with power steering. so you can turn with ease. available with the tightest turning radius in the industry. and powerful v twin engines with up to 26 horsepower. because the beer you drink after you mow your lawn tastes better than the beer you drink after someone else mows your lawn. craftsman. when it matters.
9:51 am
>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." a couple weeks ago, the "the daily show" unveiled "third month mania." a new interactive bracket tournament when you vote on which people, things or issues make you the maddest. two rounds of voting are in the books and we're down to the sickening 16. so let's go to hasan minhaj and roy wood, jr. for a closer look at this round's most infuriating contenders! ♪ (cheers and applause) >> thanks, trevor. we made it to the third round. the field is narrowed and we've said bye-bye to some teams that just couldn't piss off enough people to make the cut. >> yeah. the kardashians. >> get your asses out of there!
9:52 am
but we're down to 16 infuriating teams. we have to keep our eyes on martin shkreli who somehow beat out bill cosby in the first round. >> yep. then he went on to crush old people in the second round! they are very brittle, roy. >> now hasan faces his toughest challenge yet when he squares off against the united states congress. >> ooh, okay. and this game and in real life, they're going to head to head. this is an interesting matchup on a philosophical level, roy. are people madder about one specific asshole or a whole building of assholes? >> congress is like a costco of assholes. more assholes than anyone could ever need! (cheers and applause) just pallets of assholes. you bring home a 50 500 pack of assholes and you're like what in the hell am ill going to go with all these assholes? you call your friends, hey, got some assholes... >> i will still give it to you
9:53 am
on this but it's about quality over quantity, roy. let's move to the issues region where global warming is facing off head to head with homophobia. these are two things we should all be mad about especially if you're this gay polar bear. how is he going to vote? on the one hand his ice is melting. on the other hand, he can't marry the bear he loves. i have to go the global warming on this one. either way, the bear has a real sophie choice on his paw. >> sophie is a real choice. either team who wins goes into the sun and if hick lucky get noticed by a prince with a foot fetish. >> this is weird smells in. the first round weird smells easily beat out co-workers which is crazy because everyone hates their co-work,. >> you don't mean me because we're best friends. >> everyone hates their co-workers.
9:54 am
>> even more impressive is how weird smells dominated in the second round against our inevitable death. >> death. ! upset city, roy. death wins year in and year out. >> yep. it has beaten everyone since the beginning of time. napoleon. dom deluise, the old man's wife from the movie "up." >> didn't see it. all of us will eventually chi. >> it was a big upset. i get it. the fact weird smells even exist is infuriating. there is an entire aisle in the supermarket dedicated to getting rid of smells, candles, soap, spraying, we've got a full-blown war on smells -- >> a war! every day when i walk outside, it still smells like rat urine and heartbreak. i'm telling you, man. honorable. you have to -- horrible. you have to go weird smells over mcrip because if you leave the mcrib out, it turns into -- >> a weird smell. weird smells win in a land
9:55 am
slide. vote on "third month mania".com. stay mad out there, people. >> what's that smell? (cheers and applause) >> trevor: roy wood, jr., hasan minhaj, everyone! we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) thought i told you to stay off our turf. and what would you know about turf, skipper? let's end this here and now! let's dance! flo: whoa there! progressive covers boaand rvs, okay? plenty of policies to go around. [ grunts ] oh, oh, i'm the bad guy? you threw a fish at us, so, yeah. yeah. coverage for land and sea. now, that's progressive. ♪ ♪
9:56 am
take on the unexpected. the new 2016 nissan altima. built to stand out. jofor their wedding one searching place oh! yurt. yes! earthy... just rustic. [laughing] oh my gosh. wow. [owl howling] [gulp] uh, how about an island? island, yeah. yeah. yeah. [laughing] were you laughing in your fantasy? yeah! me, too. [gasps] ♪ ♪ ♪ can you say i love it? ♪ oh love it? ♪ can you say hey? ♪ hey! ♪ that's the spirit! oooooh.♪ ♪ ooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ sing sing, baby baby i love you. oh yes.♪ ♪ ooooh oooh. ♪ every little thing.
9:57 am
♪ ooooh oooh. aha! cinnamon. milk. cinna-milk. cinnamon toast crunch. crunch! crave those crazy squares. cinna-milk! why are you so tired?ts... ahh, the "after lunch food coma." we've all been there. you had planned on ordering the salad, but the pasta and fries looked so good. now, you're trying to find a place to catch a few zzzs... without the boss catching you. next time, grab a great tasting 5-hour energy® shot. it'll help you stay alert and productive... no matter what's on the menu. now is the time for 5-hour energy®.
9:58 am
9:59 am
(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an academy award nominated actor whose new movie is called "born to be blue." >> i don't think i can play
10:00 am
otherwise. >> don't risk it. don't play it. or -- take the methadone. i mean, you have been playing great on it. yeah, sounded great. >> but you said that if i really deal this show, there will be lots of gigs, right? maybe a european tour? >> i thought you didn't want a career. >> i want my life back. >> trevor: please welcome ethan hawke! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> thank you! >> trevor: mr. hawke! thank you for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> trevor: thank you so much. what's it like, man, big hit
10:01 am
tv show, you're running the world, aren't you? how's it going? >> trevor: i have ethan hawke on my show so, yeah, i'm doing well. i'm doing great. how you doing? what's crazy is you are that guy. i grew up watching your movies, everything. "training day," i mean, "boyhood," i mean, yeah, this is that moment for me. and this movie is really a beautiful story, a biopic about chet baker. i mean, i don't remember seeing you in a role quite this intense. it's a beautiful story, and you learned to play the trumpet as well. >> well, you know, i didn't learn to play the trumpet like one of the great jazz trumpeters of all time, you know. imasleed my way through it. to give you an example, i first started getting trumpet lessons and had a very simple task to kind of learn four or five songs. i had about four or five months to prepare.
10:02 am
i went to two or three lessons and called the director and i just pleaded with him to push it a year, you know, that if he could give me -- >> trevor: just to learn the trumpet? >> if he could give me a year, i promise i could do something okay, i promise. the trouble was, i went and told my trumpet teacher, i asked him what would happen, would the money people still be around, could we still do it? my trumpet teacher looked at me and said, if you waited eight years, you wouldn't be anywhere close. like, trt me, you're so far behind, already. so i didn't learn to play. i did the singing and i worked hard on that. what i did was i kind of tried to learn these songs. and then you just turn up the music really loud, you know, and you play along and ignore your own sounds. >> trevor: it's a really sad story as well. it's inspiring because chet baker had to relearn -- and i learned this story from the movie -- he had to relearn how to play the trumpet. >> it's a thing even a lot of jazz fans don't know, that he, you know, got beat up severely
10:03 am
and lost call his teeth and had to relearn the trumpet, and people who play the trumpet know what losing your embouchure means. it means everything. eth like a piano player getting their hands cut off or something. he had to start from scratch. it's really admiral because what was remarkable about him was that he was just a natural musician. he couldn't read music. everything had come so easily to him in his life, and all of a sudden he had to work extremely marred. >> trevor: you're no stranger to working extremely hard. when you go into these roles, how much do you allow the role to consume you? do you ever find yourself coming out of a funk after you've played this character for a while? do you find you have chet baker in your now? >> well, yes. i mean, that is the strangest thing about my job is you're dealing with your emotional life and, so, your body doesn't know that you're pretending, if that makes sense. it's difficult. it's the hardest thing.
10:04 am
i like doing movies because i get to do that away from my family. my wife hates it. when i say i'm going to do macbeth on prodway here at home, she's, like, you're going to be home playing macbeth? so you're going to, like, kill a whole village and then come home to me? can't you pick, like, a light comedy? i'll tell you one way too personal story is my wife -- we have a garbage can in our house -- >> trevor: that sounds really personal. >> no, no -- >> trevor: i don't know if that's like an actors' thing, we have a garbage can in our house -- >> most people just throw the junk on the floor but "we" have a garbage can. (laughter) that's not the end of the store, pal. my wife leaves the garbage can in there because one day when i think i was late for a parent-teacher conference when i was doing a play, i kicked the hell out of this garnl can. i went to town on this garbage
10:05 am
can. i was so angry at this garbage can for making me -- i don't know why i thought it was responsible. but my wife refuses to get a new garbage can as a reminder in the kitchen for me to keep myself together, okay? so when i'm taking a role and stuff she says, and how is the garbage can going to feel about this role? (laughter) (applause) >> trevor: "born to be blue" will be in select theaters friday. ethan hawke, everybody! (cheers and applause) ♪ he number one network in america. i know what you're thiining, they all claim stuff like that. yeah, but some of them are stretching the truth a little bit. one claimed to be four times better. we said, four times better than who? they said, four times better than we used to be. wh-wh-wha? if you're four times better than you used to be and you're still not the best, your tagline should be, "not as rubbish as we were." (sighs) only verizon is the nation's most awarded wireless network ever. now get 20 gigs on 4 lines for $80 when you switch to the best network.
10:06 am
(boy) (mom) because we'resettle settlers and that's what we do. (girl) but with directv and at&t, you can get your tv and wireless service from one provider. (dad) are not we your providers? do we not provide you with this succulent jackrabbit pie? this delicious graywater soup? and a single lick of the family lolli every harvest moon? (vo) don't be a settler, get a $100 reward card when you switch to directv.
10:07 am
so we brought in a phd a pto help explain you're getting this refund because your son is a qualifying dependent. ah...i can see that. good...good...good! good...great. intuit turbotax.
10:08 am
thiand being able to use've worked oa pen like thisk. on the screen directly with the image, it takes me back to my time as a painter. and i just can't do that on my mac. before it was honey in these honey nut cheerios, it was honey being collected. and honey getting made. and honey that was just beginning.
10:09 am
as a truck driver,ty. i had a lot of time to smoke. i also had severe shortness of breath and a smoker's cough. i knew i had to quit. so for six months, i used e-cigarettes. then i stopped. but the whole time i kept smoking regular cigarettes. right up until my lung collapsed. my tip is, just cutting down on cigarettes isn't enough. (announcer)you can quit. for free help, call 1-800-quit-now.
10:10 am
10:11 am
(cheers and applause) is that that's our show for tonight. gary shandling who passed away, a colleague, friend to beloved people all over the world, here it i is, your moment of zen. >> i'm so excited to be here. i had a great day. i went to the bank today. have you gotten your free pen yet? these are free. you just yank these things and they pop right out. i got a desk calendar, too. you need a screwdriver to change the numbers, butaire free. knock, knock.


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on