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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  April 5, 2016 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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street bird finds an old muffin. that's -- don't you love that? get them little grains, you dirty bird! you got to town before that flock finds you! [ laughter ] and watch my special! good night, pervs. [ cheers and applause ] >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much. thank you very much, everybody. our guest tonight from the "the carmichael show," jerrod carmichael! but first, if you skipped watching our show last night to watch the n.c.a.a. men's final, congratulations on making good life choices. no, the game-- the game was
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amazing. villanova forward kris jenkins sank a shot at the buzzer getting his team to the national title and getting himself laid for life in philadelphia. yeah. it was such a great moment. it was also sad in a way, because you realize now nothing in kris jenkins' life will ever top this moment, nothing, not at all. like, he could deliver a baby on the roof of a burning building, and then rescue the mother and child by using his parachute to glide them safely into an ambulance, and still the paramedic will say, "oh, ( bleep )! you're kris jenkins! that shot was crazy." thanks for your help. now tonight more history is set to be made. the u-conn's women's team is set to win their n.c.a.a. record, and this is a team who amazingly in their last 116 games went 115 and 1, yeah. and their star forward, breann stewart is going for her fourth
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title in a role. the game should end by the time this airs on tv so congratulations u-conn! the game should have ended by now on tv, so congratulations syracuse on the amazing upset! what a game! we'll edit the right one in later when we see who wins. yeah, we'll edit that. you know, the unfortunate thing here is that there's less attention on tonight's historic game, but the good news about the n.c.a.a. is that both men and women players get exactly the same amount of money. ( laughter ) yeah. sadly, the same can't be said for some professional sports. for example, let's look at the u.s. women's soccer team. you might have heard of them when they won the world cup. ( cheers and applause ) >> game over! the u.s. wins! >> the u.s. women win the world
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cup in dominating fashion. >> team u.s.a. golden again. >> the most-watched soccer game in u.s. history. >> thousands of fans lining the streets to celebrate their heroes. >> u.s.a.! >> trevor: u.s.a.! i love that chant so much. you don't even need to be from america to use it. you can just use it. u.s.a. "n" u.s.a.! it gets your spirits up. i don't know why. the u.s. women's soccer team, or as they're known around the globe, "oh, ( bleep ), here comes an ass-kicking." there are two things everyone in the world is afraid of, the u.s. women's soccer team, and the u.s. military. one is going to destroy you on the field, and the other one is going to guarantee there's no rematch. this is a team kicking ass all over the place except in the accounting department. >> the u.s. soccer federation this morning is defending itself against a wage discrimination complaint. >> even though the women's team
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generated $20 million more in revenue than the men's team, the women earn four times less. >> trevor: wow. as outrageous as it sounds, it's true. american women soccer players make four times less than the men. that's 25 cents for every dollar that the men make. like, even those children that make iphones are like, "wow, that's unfair." ( laughter ) "that is so unfair." naturally, the players on the u.s. women's team have a strong feelings about the disparity. >> we sacrifice so much. every single day we sacrifice just as much as the men. we work just as much. we endure just as much physically and emotionally. >> we continue to be told to be grateful just to have the opportunity to play professional soccer and to get paid for doing it. >> trevor: okay, first of all, stronger message-- if you lose flat stanley over here-- that guy is so distracting. he looks like he's just photobombing the picture. i don't know why he's there.
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second of all, hope solo is right. the argument, "play for the love of the game," it's such rubbish. it's funny how it's never applied to another job. it's not like garbage men walk around going, "no, no, i don't want your money. get to throw out your kid's soiled diaper is all i need." to make the disparity worse or more unfair, the u.s. men's so, team are nowhere near as good as the women naerp a fine team, but american women dominate the sport. it's like the men are jason moras, and the women are beyonce. yeah, if you were at a party, you would be like, "oh, wow, jason morass, can you descriews introous me to beyonce. cool, that's a cool hat. more-az. more-az. anyway. so the women's team earned a quarter of what the men do. that's what they earn. and they don't just get paid
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less. they get paid less often. >> for the so-called friendly exwks matcheses, the women earn noct for a loss or tie while men's players earn a minimum of $5,000 per game, no matter what the outcome. >> trevor: oooh. i think i get it now. u.s. soccer is like orgasms. yes, you see, guys get something no matter how ba bad their performance is. women just end up sweaty and depressed. and it's not just the wages. there are points when it seems like u.s. soccer is going out of its way to be sexist. take, for instance, player per deem. when pro athletes travel they get a daily allowance for food. the u.s. men get $75 while the women get $60. why? it's just an extra $15 a day for the men. why? it's so unnecessary. why do the men need $15 extra. what is it for testicle maintenance? which is a real thing by the way. you gotta get them twisted.
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you got to get them rotated. you have to make sure they balance. you can't get let them rusty because they click-clack when you walk. it's a real thing. still, $15 is unnecessary. i know the counter-argument is even though women generated more revenue last year, men's soccer gen raits more revenue overall. and that's all true. but you have to think of equal pay as an investment. the m.l.s., they lost $250 million in the first five years bthe but they understood they were investing in the future and the sport would pay them back. why can't the men who run these organizations invest that much in women? think about it. the women do the same thing with men. women on it all the time with men. women meet a guy. he doesn't dress well. he sleeps on a if you ton, you go to his house you're like, "where are your spoons? who owns one spoon?" but ladies take the time. they invest in him because they know over time it will pay off. look at what dude.
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that dude's got mad spoons. the larger point is the economics here should be besides the point. for instance, we pay more for fair trade coffee so people farming the beans can live a decent life. and look, we ended slavery, even though there were quite a few people who did not think it was a financially great move spp look how america has benefited from that because now you have way cooler things-- cooler music, cooler television, cooler presidents to show for it. dude's got mad food. ( cheers and applause ) look, at the end of the day, you pay women and men equally because it's the right thing to do. not only has the u.s. women's soccer team proven they're the best in the world. they've made america feel like they're the best in the world. i know you can't put a price on winning a national pride, but maybe you should try. or think of it this way-- if they kick this much ass under
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current conditions, imagine what they would do if you actually paid them. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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hey there, can i help you with anything? hey siri, what's at&t's latest offer? oh, i don't think that siri can... right now, switch to at&t for an iphone and get one free. wow, is that right? yeah, it's basically... yes. that is the current offer from at&t. okay siri, you don't know everything. i know you asked me to call you the at&t hostess with the mostest okay, shut her down. turn it off. right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line. this is the all-new 20wow, it's nice.. let's check it out. do any of you have kids? i do yes. this car has a feature built in called teen driver technology, which lets parent's see how their teens are driving. oh, that's smart. it even mutes the radio until the seat belt is fastened. will it keep track of how many boys get it in the car? (laughter) cause that could be useful.
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this is ahead of what my audi has for sure. wish my beamer had that. i didn't even know that technology existed. i'm not in the market for a car but now i may be. a superior hard apple cider inspired by the cider the pioneers drank. and they traveled this country... ...on foot. smith & forge. hard cider the way it's 'sposed to taste. >> trevor: welcome pack to
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"the daily show." throughout donald trump's historic campaign to insult as many demographic groups as possible, trump misogynistic easily predates the convention. recently, his long trail of antifemale remarks were featured in a superpac ad running in primary states across the country. >> bimbo. >> dog. >> fat pig. >> real quotes from donald trump about women. a woman who is very flat chested is very hard to be a 10. you know, it doesn't really matter what they like as long as you have a young and beautiful piece of ( bleep ). >> that must be a pretty picture, you cropping to your knees. >> women, you have to treat them like ( bleep ). >> trevor: like princesses? what did they bleep? what was that? you have to treat them like princesses? like queen? you guys bleep out the word "queen" in this country? obviously trump was saying you have to treat women like ( bleep ). although, although, in the
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interest the fairness, trump insists he never said that. >> you once said the best way to treat a woman is to treat her like doody. >> no, i never said that but it was attributed to me. >> i see, so you treat women with respect. >> i can't say that either. >> all right. >> trevor: wow, trump's an asshole but he's honest. yeah, he's honestly an asshole. ( cheers and applause ) now, to many, these remarks about women might seem disqualifying but trump surprisingly doesn't see the problem. >> has your language come back to haunt you? >> no, i think people understand. look, these politicians, i know them. they say far worse when they're in closed doors or when they're with a group of people that they trust. >> trevor: yes, and that's what closed doors are for, donald trump! so you don't say these things in public. you know, this is almost worse because it means that you're not ashamed of what you're doing. you're like a guy masturbating on the subway looking at everyone else going, "oh, get
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over it! you all do this at home! you all do this at home!" ( applause ) there are so many examples out there of trump's gross perspectives on women they're practically endless. but there's one special clip we came across that demstraights just how completely innate this attitude is. and so, to the archives. >> i could do this all day long. and i really believe in trashing your enemy. i'd like her right in that fat, ugly face of hers and say, "rosyee you're fired." >> trevor: i'm sure nobody has seen this clip since it aired over 20 years ago. it's from a 94 episode of "lifestyles of the rich and famous," in which host robin leach asked donald trump and his second wife, marla maples, an innocent question about their one-year-old daughter tiffany. >> donald, what does tiffany have of yours and what does tiffany have of marla's.
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>> trevor: take a second. you guys are all human beings here. take a moment to think about how you might answer this question about your baby. you guys have an answer in your head, maybe? have an answer? okay, okay, let's see how donald trump answered this question. >> donald what, does tiffany have of yours and what does tiffany have of marla's? >> well, i think she's got a marla. she's a really beautiful baby and she's got-- she's got marla's legs. we don't know whether or not she's got this part yet, but time will tell. ( laughter ) >> trevor: sorry, could you put something eels that is so-- yeah. ( applause ) i'm sorry, that's--
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( laughter ) i watched that trump claim 20 times now, but every time i co,i need to take a quick breather that good things still exist in the world. okay, cool, reporter, we're back. so, yes. back in 1994, donald trump was asked what attributes his one-year-old daughter shared with his wife. he could have said anything. any he went with lecs and possibly boobs, which is not the correct answer. in fact, we would have accepted pretty much any other body part like eyes, nose, mouth-- even something random like shoulders, gums, like, wharf thi this thins
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in the middle of your fingers. we know there's no female too small for trump for to reduce her to her body parts. we know this. i don't think trump was trying to be fun or provocative. it shows it's an impulse. in fact, word association. your wife. boobs. your infant daughter. boobs. amelia earhart. vanishing boobs. the statue of liberty. inspirational boobs. but knowing what we know about trump, it makes perfect sengs. to him every woman is just a pair of legs connected to a pair of breasts and there's a bunch of extra stuff in the middle. and you know normally a candidate who views women this way would be doomed but trump is not a normal candidate and we know that. we know airing this clip will change nothing. all we ask, all we ask is one thing it's next time you're about to hand donald trump your baby, maybe reconsider. we'll be right back.
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the bud light party wasn't invited to the debates. but we don't need them. we have debates of our own every night. a hotdog is a sandwich. over bud lights, of course. it's pronounced jif. you cannot outrun a zebra. here's to good natured civil debates. also, it's gif.
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back. my guest tonight is a comedian and the star of nbc's "the carmichael show." >> maxine, just face it. talent is more important than morals. >> more important, according to who? >> according to you, the same woman, who despite many accusations continues to listen to michael jackson. >> if she listens to michael jackson, i can go see bill cosby. >> come ogive me a break. everybody listens to michael jackson. >> and that's my point. everyone should listen to michael jackson. even his victims should listen to his music. they probably need it more than we do. they've been through a lot. >> trevor: please welcome jerrod carmichael.
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> hey, you guys. >> trevor: oh, man. that is the most controversial clip ever. welcome to the show, man. >> i figured i'd play something welcoming. >> trevor: i don't know if that was welcoming. i mean, it was-- but, really, welcome to the show. thank you for being here. >> i'm happy to be here. >> trevor: let's start with the most important thing. congratulations on the show. it is not every day someone gets a network television show, my friend. >> thank you very much ( applause ) still, still too many. >> trevor: too many? >> too many people get them. it happens and then a lot of them are horrible, and i'm just trying to avoid that. >> trevor: you're one of the people who just snuck in? >> you do sneak in. that's the only way. you have to sneak in under the radar, the only way to try to make something good. congratulations to you. >> trevor: for sneaking under the radar. i appreciate that. >> this is so great. and i've always been a fan. >> trevor: thank you very
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much. yeah, we've met each other a lot of time. >> me and trevor-- let's tell old stand-up stories. >> trevor: we should. >> we go way back. >> trevor: waaay back. five months, four months. i mean, you come a long way from just being a stand-up, young guy, to now executive producing and running a tv show. and not just a normal sitcom show. one thing that fascinates me, and people write about this all the time, is your show tackles issues. >> yeah. >> trevor: do you do that on purpose? >> yeah, because it's an adult audience, and you try to respect the integrity of the topics, but you also realize there are people who, you know, have these real conversations all day, and i don't want my show to be, you know, just zany sitcom topics that no one gives a ( bleep ) about. they're very real things and reflect the conversations i have in everyday life. >> trevor: like, whether to go and watch bill cosby or not.
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>> whether to watch bill cosby or not. it's a real thing. we've all dealt with it in one way or another, whether an entertainer or a restaurant >> trevor: can you separate the talent from the incident? >> yeah. >> trevor: can you separate the person from the persona? >> yes. can you separate the delicious chick-fil-a sandwiches from what they support. you know what i mean? >> trevor: from the homophobia. >> exactly. that's what that episode in particular was about, and we try and find these gray areas. >> trevor: you have always found the gray areas, even in your stand-up. i remember when i first saw you on stage, you were talking about being a black republican. are you-- >> it was my desire to be one, you know,. >> trevor: did you not know, like-- what did-- >> you know where it came from >> trevor: did you like read-- i'm always fascinated. >> you know where it came from?
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it genuinely comes from a place where you grow up in a disenfranchised environment, which means old computers. and your book's out of date. like, my history book stopped at, like, '79. and the teacher was going off memory for the rest. "well, i think 'thriller' came out." >> trevor: i love the idea you don't know how it all ended. >> you have no idea. you have no idea. i still don't know what's going on with vietnam. but you grow up in this environment, and you're told what you can and can't do. >> trevor: yeah. >> obviously. you more than anyone know. you grow up with these rules. and you kind of rebel against that, you know, in my stand-up and what i do kind of reflects trying to move the policeman ters and, parameters and the lines and walls. me beak from the environment i'm from, the desire to be a
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republican is absurd. it's the craziest thing you could possibly say. but, also, i just did my taxes and it's not a horrible idea. ( applause ) ( laughter ) not the worst idea. >> trevor: one of the answers, i guess, yeah. it's a great show, man. it's like-- where it's going. >> you reached out, you reached out. you were very nice. you reached out and you sent a nice message. >> trevor: i did, because i'm a huge fan. everyone should watch it. you can't frame it. it's text. >> they still have printers. >> trevor: you'll print a text out. >> we'll print the text oglossy paper because you deserve that and i'm frame it. >> trevor: you know what's weird, we're joking did this-- >> i'm genuinely going to do it. >> trevor: i feel like someone is going to start selling glossy text messages. >> times square, just a naked cowboy and the glossy text. >> trevor: i'm trying to picture him now.
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>> it's a whole wall. he's got watchs, glossy text. >> trevor: i like that idea. i'm trying to think of what text i'll glossify. >> we need fallbacks, trevor television is a fickle industry. >> trevor: you're not going to need a fallback. it's an amazing show. "the carmichael show" airs on nbc. jerrod carmichael. he number one network in america. i know what you're thiining, they all claim stuff like that. yeah, but some of them are stretching the truth a little bit. one claimed to be four times better. we said, four times better than who? they said, four times better than we used to be. wh-wh-wha? if you're four times better than you used to be and you're still not the best, your tagline should be, "not as rubbish as we were." (sighs) only verizon is the nation's most awarded wireless network ever. now get 20 gigs on 4 lines for $80 when you switch to the best network. who don't have access thto basic banking,on people
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a superior hard apple cider inspired by the cider the pioneers drank. and they traveled this country... ...on foot. smith & forge. hard cider the way it's 'sposed to taste. >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. here it is, your moment of gen..
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>> you treat women with respect. >> i can't say that either. >> i treat women with respect. >> guys, somewhere in between, captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: thank you very much. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] welcome to "the nightly show." thank you so much. you're too kind you guys. i'


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