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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  April 5, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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>> you treat women with respect. >> i can't say that either. >> i treat women with respect. >> guys, somewhere in between, captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: thank you very much. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] welcome to "the nightly show." thank you so much. you're too kind you guys. i'm larry wilmore.
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you're excited because you're going to be more excited. bill nye, "the science guy" is on the panel tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he will answer the question that is on all of our minds. which "sister act" movie is the best? [ laughter ] it's a question from our audience that we get. [ laughter ] did you catch the ncaa championship game last night? two three-point shots in the oh, my god. [ cheers and applause ] oh, my god. two three-point shots in the last ten seconds? what?! that was exciting, man. but you know what that means! it's time. that's right it's borne time you guys. an congratulations to villanova. they did it. right? and congratulations to chris horn who suggested the winning
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dare. thanks to chris, i'll be hosting thursday's show as soul daddy. [ laughter ] for those of you who don't know, soul daddy is me from my talk show in the 70s. not making this up. true story. [ laughter ] he's a groovy, hip cat who isn't afraid to keep it a hundred, but unlike me today, he's not so aware of you know, politics or facts or really anything beyond the bicentennial and elephant tranquilizers. [ laughter ] so it's going to be fun. so tune in thursday for soul daddy. thursday night! [ cheers and applause ] this thursday. i'm doing it! we're doing the dare. [ applause ] all right. get get to our top story. troubling news from the smithsonian. >> the national museum of african-american history and culture has opened not opened yet, but one of its exhibits is already causing a controversy. comedian bill cosby is recognized in the "taking the stage" exhibition. >> larry: why are they still calling him comedian bill cosby? i mean,. [ laughter ] isn't he better known for being
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a rapist now? okay, fine, comedy central lawyers -- alleged rapist. sorry. [ laughter ] and that's right, [ bleep ]! i haven't forgotten about you. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] okay? yeah. oh, wait, we're talking about a museum. let me clean that up a bit. that is correct, my memories of you have not faded, [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] [ bleep ] well, what's going to be in this acting-like-this-guy-never-raped exhibit? >> there will be two objects related to cosby: a comic book from "i spy" and the cover of a comedy album. >> larry: what, no quaaludes? [ laughter ] what? i mean, if you want me to remember cosby, can you please include all the ways he's tried to make women forget bill cosby? [ laughter ] cappuccinos, depositions, large cash settlements. i see those things in a museum? i will think of the coz. [ laughter ] by the way, as a word of august, -- caution, you do not want to spend a night in that museum. [ laughter ] too soon?
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[ laughter ] okay. look, look, here's the thing. here's the thing. i understand. it's a museum of african-american culture and cosby had an influence on that culture. it would be white-washing history to ignore him. but not white-washing history also means not rape-washing it either. >> several women who've accused cosby of assault say they're upset the museum will not mention their allegations. >> larry: of course, they're upset. and i'm very surprised at the smithsonian. they never put things in their exhibits without telling the whole story. for instance, the wright brothers' airplane. zoom in on that sign. zoom in. "eventually led to spirit airlines." right there, see? see? [ laughter ] does it change my opinion of the wright brothers? a little bit. a little bit. [ laughter ] so it seems like more of a classic orville move than a wilbur one, i'll be honest with you. okay. but it turns out, ultimately, there was some good news. >> the smithsonian said it will acknowledge cosby's alleged behavior as its new -- at its new african-american history museum. >> larry: good for you, smithsonian! and to help you out, i'm going
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to record a little message to run alongside the alleged rapist memorabilia. hi, there. i'm television's larry wilmore. [ laughter ] in addition to bill cosby's rich legacy of comedy, he also has a rich legacy of alleged rape. [ laughter ] over 50 women have accused him of sexual assault. that's more accusations than episodes of "the cosby mysteries"! [ laughter ] and here's something that's not a mystery: he should rot in jail until he dies. [ laughter ] hey, enjoy the rest of the tour! [ cheers and applause ] now, this is not the first time the smithsonian has been in a difficult situation when it comes to the coz. >> the smithsonian just received a large cache of artwork from bill and camille cosby. it's a fantastic collection of art. you know, the -- the cosbys have one of the most beautiful collections of african-american art in the world. >> larry: that's right. in addition to allegedly raping, cosby also built the largest collection of african-american
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art in the country, which sucks, because i want to see the art, but i don't want to see anything associated with cosby. how can one appreciate the art without appreciating the alleged rapey owner? all right. for more we turn to our own mike yard. mike? [ cheers and applause ] how's it going, man? so, mike, let me ask you. do you think it's okay for the smithsonian to showcase art donated by bill cosby? >> larry, i'm not interested in talking about an alleged rapist's art collection. i'm interested in stealing it. [ laughter ] >> larry: hold on a second. you're stealing cosby's art? and what are you doing in vegas? >> gotta assemble my crew. [ laughter ] come on. remember "ocean's eleven"? okay? they got nothing own mike yard's -- on "mike yard's seven." >> larry: "mike yard's seven"? who else is there? >> first, we bring in rory, who poses as an eccentric billionaire who hosts a giant smithsonian gala. [ laughter ] >> welcome to the giant smithsonian gala.
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i'm your host, an eccentric billionaire. [ laughter ] >> larry: rory, that accent doesn't even make sense. [ laughter ] >> yes, it does. tell him what's next, mike! >> that's when robin thede, our phony cocktail waitress, comes in to serve up a little poisoned shrimp. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> poisoned shrimp, anyone? i mean not-poisoned shrimp? [ laughter ] >> larry: you just told them it was poisoned! >> no, i didn't! once everyone's doubled over, that's when we bring in grace parra, the boneless wonder. [ laughter ] >> larry: boneless? [ cheers and applause ] >> i can squeeze through a keyhole. >> larry: that's impossible. maybe, in which case we'll just blow that [ bleep ] up, with ricky "boom boom" velez, our explosives guy. [ cheers and applause ] >> i make things go boom boom. larry: wait, boom boom? guys, this really makes no sense. it's a museum. it has a security system. this sounds so amateurish. >> yeah, it has a security
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system, and we have an un-security system. meet franchesca ramsey, code-breaker extraordinaire. [ cheers and applause ] >> i own a computer. [ laughter ] >> larry: everyone owns a computer! mike, even if you do manage to get your hands on cosby's art, how will you get it back out? >> oh, i don't know. maybe we'll have to punch our way out. isn't that right? holly walker, the muscle. [ cheers and applause ] >> looks like the smithsonian just opened a new gun exhibit. >> yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> pa-pow! larry: okay, mike, this is not going to work. you're going to get caught. i'm telling you >> they can't catch us, not with wheelman jordan carlos. [ cheers and applause ] >> uüber pool okay with everyon? i mean, we're going to have to make a couple stops, but i got a promo code. [ laughter ]
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>> behold "mike yard's seven." [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: okay. first of all, that's eight, genius. mike, this is the worst idea in history. >> really? really, larry? >> larry: yes. worse than an american institution accepting an art collect from one of the most notorious alleged rapists? >> larry: you know, i guess you're right. [ laughter ] do you have room for one more? >> uh-oh. larry wilmore, the egghead. [ laughter ] >> larry: we'll be right back right after this. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> larry: welcome back. i read an article in "the new york times" that the white house has finally gotten a new phone system. and i'm not making this up. it's the first one in about 20 years. [ laughter ] so now making the first call on his new white house phone is president barack obama. hello, mr. president? >> hey, larry! larry: congratulations on the upgrade. >> i'm telling you, these phones are amazing. [ laughter ] i've got call-waiting. no more busy signals when putin tries to call me during an international crisis. >> larry: wait, you just got call-waiting? >> yeah, it cost a little extra, but i had to do it. don't tell michelle. [ laughter ] >> larry: mr. president, i've had call-waiting since the '80s. >> wow, get a load of alexander graham bell! [ laughter ] well, how about this? my new phone also has a feature called star 69. [ laughter ]
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it lets me call back anyone who called me. it's space-aged. >> larry: mr. president, this outdated phone system is emblematic of what's wrong with washington. don't you think? listen, i actually need to get back to the show. but it was really nice talking to you. >> oh, okay. bye. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: probably should have hung up. it was very nice of him. he's very excited about his phone so that's good. so have you people heard about this panama papers story? it's amazing. it's the biggest data leak in history. a number of foreign leaders had billions they took from their people, which they kept in offshore accounts -- [ phone rings ] hold on. hello? >> larry, it's president barack obama. [ laughter ] we spoke on the phone earlier. >> larry: yeah, yeah, yeah, i know. >> i'm calling you from the truman balcony! >> larry: oh, great, great. no, you don't understand. this place never got reception before. [ laughter ]
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>> larry: look, i'm really glad the new phone's working out, sir, but i -- >> wait, you haven't heard the best part. >> larry: oh, okay. >> i have you on speaker! swear to god. my hands are free! this phone's got stuff steve jobs never dreamed of. [ laughter ] >> larry: you're probably right, because it was already invented. [ laughter ] now, look, mr. president, i appreciate how excited you are, but i really have to get back to the show. [ laughter ] so the panama papers reveal that putin himself is linked to $2 billion in offshore funds. [ phone rings ] [ laughter ] >> larry: what? larry bear. [ laughter ] >> larry: hey. i know you're busy. larry: yeah. i'm busy. >> but -- but -- but -- larry: what? trust me. it's important. >> larry: okay, fine. go ahead. >> are you sitting down? larry: yes, of course, i'm sitting down! i'm hosting my damn show!
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>> okay. check it out. i figured out how to play "mary had a little lamb" on the phone buttons. [ laughter ] [ beeps ] ♪ [ laughter ] damn, i thought i had it. [ laughter ] >> larry: mr. president, i hope you don't mind if i ask you a personal question, but what's going on? [ laughter ] >> well, i guess i'm just feeling a little lonely. i mean, everyone's talking about trump and bernie and hillary. seems like nobody cares about ol' bam bam anymore. [ laughter ] >> larry: oh, no, no, no, no. i'm sure that's not true, bam bam. [ laughter ] it's not. i care. you know what? you tell me anything you want to tell me, bam bam. me and the american people are happy to listen. go right ahead. >> okay. it all started with my birth in kenya. [ laughter ]
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[ cheers and applause ] >> larry: we'll be right back. anna thinks you need a phd to do your own taxes. so we brought in a phd to help explain them. you're getting this refund because your son is a qualifying dependent. ah...i can see that. good...good...good! good...great. intuit turbotax.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "the nightly show" contributor jordan carlos, "the nightly show" contributor grace parra, and friend of the show bill nye "the science guy." [ cheers and applause ] and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using #tonightly. okay, guys. tonight, i want to talk about climate change and the election. so far in the debates, only 22 questions out of almost 1,500 were about climate change. right? the democrats were twice as likely to be asked, while the
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two leading republicans, trump and cruz, have not been asked a single question. why do you think climate change isn't being taken serious in this election? >> that's great question. i think people are fascinated with the activities in the republican -- [ laughter ] they haven't gotten around to the issues. i will say that there are still three guys in right now, right? and who knows what will happen at the convention who's going to be vic vice president. might be a woman on the ticket and so on. but all of them so far have been adamant denears. >> yeah. right. and i met a guy the other day who wants to be called a doubter. >> larry: a doubter? instead of denier? larry: what's the difference? oh, he's a denier. that's totally different. >> totally different. still it's so silly. larry: there's a sun. i doubt it. [ laughter ] >> doubt it better than -- like you have some question. [ laughter ] you know what i mean? >> these guys are in denial. they're adamant.
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they don't see the connection between carbon monoxide methane and the world getting warmer. they ignore all the data. so it's very troubling, you guys, and it's really the conservatives have gotten funded by the fossil fuel industry, and there's been this -- there's big concern that the number of people in the voting poplous is not very high with respect to climate change. they've heard it. they don't remember it. they set it aside in their minds. that's because of the success of these deniers who have worked so hard funded entirely by the fossil fuel industry. you can look at their 990s. >> larry: what bernie's talking about? >> so i understand where you -- as upton sinclair said, when a man -- it's very hard to convince a guy -- a man of something when his salary depends on him not understanding it. >> larry: ah! [ applause ] >> upton sinclair.
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it's all about sinclair. larry: so you think the resistance is not out of nonbelief but purely for political reasons? because that's even more [ bleep ]. >> well, the politics -- larry: it really is. it should be global issue that we should all be concerned about. and i always -- i like to say that climate change was discovered. it wasn't made up. people -- >> right. they notice that -- and if you go to glacier national park, it's sort of muddy hillside national park. [ laughter ] >> larry: it seems to me -- it's easy to say people are stupid or whatever -- >> no, no. larry: i grep i think this is a lot of otherwise intelligence people who deny this. why does that happen? that's what i can't understand. >> people can't get their heads around climate change. they're too far away. but now there's a report out that 2030 is going to be big issues. and now i know two pregnant women -- >> larry: oh, cool. congratulations. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> what are you -- larry: bragging --
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what are you trying to say? saying? zika. larry: i thought you had your own climate change. [ laughter ] >> no. so these are people -- they find out about each other, they're going to let you know. >> i understand what you're driving at. >> larry: yeah. [ laughter ] >> these are people -- my parents -- i'm a product of the same sort of inaction. but -- [ laughter ] >> unlike most of us. [ laughter ] >> can we say interaction? can we say interaction? >> larry: bill nye sr. was the player guy. >> i like to say congrats. all that aside, we need big ideas. we need big wind turbines. we need big solar facilities. and we can do this. and the example i would give everybody is world war ii. >> what? people solved the warmest problem in five years. they didn't --
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>> right. larry: but i will be devil's advocate, that was an immediate threat. just like you were saying, 2030 -- they didn't think there was a threat of japan invading in 50 years. >> they were in denial. larry: but yesterday, you know. >> i talked to both of my parents about this. >> larry: before the war broke out. >> yeah. japan would never attack the united states. >> larry: we were isolationists. right. so climate change, so it gets a little warm, what? >> larry: how can we get people to stop making this a political issue? because when i was a kid, it didn't feel like it was a political issue. okay everybody listen. >> hard-hitting investigative reporters. and you'll -- we recognize you because you wear knit ties and they're loose. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i want you to ask the candidates about climate change directly. what are you going to do about
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climate change? what we need are big ideas. we need to pull together and do these -- these extraordinary things. hoover dam, coulee dam, person on the moon. we can do big things. sigh long this line, everybody, while you're out there, don't be surprised -- [ laughter ] -- after the conservatives, the republicans, pick somebody, this person goes, well, i've been thinking about it and climate change is a big issue. because i don't think they can quite get enough -- i don't think the party can quite get enough votes without millennials. climate denial is almost entirely generational. only now and then do you meet a young person -- nobody your age is a climate denear. very few. so --. [ laughter ] old people. >> larry: i don't know. i may have to disagree with you a little bit. i think a lot of it is ideologic and people are ench he entrenched with a political view
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and we have to separate this from politics and just make it about us. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: if you live in the new york city area or planning to visit, grab some free tickets to visit, grab some free tickets to "the nightly sho sfx:(sfx: (crunch)walla) ♪ ♪i need a hero. ♪i'm holding out for a hero til the end of the night,♪ ♪he's gotta be strong, ♪and he's gotta be fast and he's got to be fresh from the fight.♪ sfx:(chip crunches, explosion and sizzle) ♪i need a hero. a superior hard apple cider inspired by the cider the pioneers drank. and they traveled this country... ...on foot. smith & forge. hard cider the way it's 'sposed to taste.
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>> larry: thanks to my panelists -- jordan carlos, grace parra, and bill nye. tonight's question is from an audience member named alia. let's take a look. >> hey, larry, would you rather be wealthy but implicated in the panama papers or poor but nobody knows who you are? keep it 100! [ laughter ] i have already been poor and nobody has known me. [ laughter ] can't a brother experience something -- no, look, if it's illegal, i don't want -- if it ain't illegal, put me in -- [ laughter ] thanks a lot. don't forget to ask me your "keep it 100" questions on twitter. i kept it 100.
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goodnightly, everyone! [ cheers and applause ] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on! the n.c.a.a. basketball tournament ended last night, and the villanova wildcats won the whole thing with an amazing buzzer beating shot. >> three seconds mid court. for the championship. [cheers and applause] >> chris: sad news the man who made that shot was later [beep] to death from everyone. turns out you can die from too much blow jobs.


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