tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central April 6, 2016 2:38am-3:09am PDT
>> larry: thanks to my panelists -- jordan carlos, grace parra, and bill nye. tonight's question is from an audience member named alia. let's take a look. >> hey, larry, would you rather be wealthy but implicated in the panama papers or poor but nobody knows who you are? keep it 100! [ laughter ] i have already been poor and nobody has known me. [ laughter ] can't a brother experience something -- no, look, if it's illegal, i don't want -- if it ain't illegal, put me in -- [ laughter ] thanks a lot. don't forget to ask me your "keep it 100" questions on twitter. i kept it 100. goodnightly, everyone! [ cheers and applause ]
captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on ncaa.com! the n.c.a.a. basketball tournament ended last night, and the villanova wildcats won the whole thing with an amazing buzzer beating shot. >> three seconds mid court. for the championship. [cheers and applause] >> chris: sad news the man who made that shot was later [be to death from everyone. turns out you can die from too much blow jobs. villanova was previously only known for being a small town in pennsylvania that sounds like it could also be a colombian drug lord.
like sports fans are wont to do, they posted their post-game freak outs online. as a bonus, watching several of them in a row also doubles as a tour of some of the world's saddest apartments. take a look. >> oh my god! >> ahhh [beep] >> [beep] >> [beep] >> [beep] >> oh my god [beep] >> [beep] [laughing] >> chris: that is dangerous. you have to be careful in the second trimester like that. you could do damage. [ applause ] >> chris: it looks like the big foot photo. like they have captured him. i think he's freaking out
holy ( bleep ), dave, you still have your christmas decorations up?! i mean i just have to put them up in 11 months. comedians, what do you think this high roller has been so busy with that he couldn't find the time to take down his christmas decorations? maria, go! >> clearly he has been binge watching "down abby." his mo. >> chris: oh my god! chelsey. >> i guess he was busy getting kicked out of every buffalo wild wings in the state. >> chris: not one left he can go into. not one. >> chris: randall park. >> i think he was figuring out how to get semen stains out of cargo shorts. >> chris: no way to do it. it's time to start "@midnight." >> chris: welcome to @midnight.
i'm chris hardwick. tonight is "tag team tuesday!" tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. of nothing tangible. tonight's comedians are: from "those who can't," thursdays on trutv, it's maria thayer. [cheers and applause] >> chris: from "fresh off the boat," tuesdays on abc, it's chelsey crisp. [cheers and applause] >> chris: also from "fresh off the boat," guest starring on "this is not happening" tonight following this program on comedy central, it's randall park. [cheers and applause] >> chris: let's see who you are playing for. maria, you are playing for @seminole94. chelsey, you are playing for @jackdentann. does not understand the concept
of back lighting in a photo. randall, you are playing for @sethgoodtime. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." [cheers and applause] >> chris: and here are the most prominent trendicles on the netweb today. first up why robot. nikki kong has created a robot scarlet johanson. oh. carefully scrapped it to have the same physical appearance as a hollywood actress. unlike the real one this one doesn't know how to file a restraining order yet. let's see her in action. >> robotics is a new manufacturing. >> chris: he says won't use it for anything taudry. is that why it's designed to look like it's chewing a dick
off. [laughing] comedians, what do you think this toothy robot is saying here? >> i want to -- i want to chew through your toaster cord and watch your house burn. >> chris: points. revenge. chelsey. >> i only make 75% of what robert downey jr. makes. [cheers and applause] >> chris: randall. >> thank you, ricky, for proving once again that asians can do everything! [cheers and applause] >> chris: asians can make everything [beep]. [cheers and applause]
>> that too. chris: i only hope the real scarlet johanson doesn't become self aware. >> chris: next, "home of the braves." yesterday was opening day for major league baseball, and that means a whole bunch of stadiums are gearing up to fill your stomachs with inventive new artery-clogging, widow-making gut bombs. comedians, which of these things is an actual food that the atlanta braves are selling: a burger with pizza instead of buns or a hot dog covered in chili, french fries, popcorn, beer cheese, and a bunch of other ( [beep] >> a burger with pizza instead of buns. >> chris: the great part of of humanity is both of these are correct answers. [cheers and applause] now. we will walk you through this. the burgerizza.
burger that looks like yo pulled it out of the garbage. this is lookses you pulled it from a guy eating out of the garbage. this is the only hope of the braves leading the runs this year. >> see, randall, white people can make things too. >> sure. [cheers and applause] >> chris: points. >> and also you can [beep] it. chris: you can [beep] it, yes. oh my god, yes. >> chris: that's the end of "rapid refresh." and now it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars." a new report from the census bureau says the number of old people is rising at the fastest rate in human history, and at this very moment there are more old people than ever before. that's 600 million olds.
make that 599,999,999 olds. no. the report goes on to say that current old numbers are supposed to triple by the year 2050. and that's upsetting, because those future geriatric ball-draggers in 2050 will be us! we are them. [cheers and applause] >> chris: so, with that in mind, i want you to pitch some movies that would appeal to the elderly with tonight's hashtag: #elderlymovies. examples: "batman v. superman v. sunset of justice" and "assisted suicide squad" and "the hot flash." [cheers and applause] yes, i know it's not a movie yet, but it's coming. they teased it. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin.
randall. >> the dark knight rises four times to pee in the middle of the night. >> chris: okay. >> -- alice and wonder lands. chris: so good. maria. >> broke hip mountain. chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: chelsey. >> citizen needs a cane. hris: points. i still don't agree with that movie. randall. >> the grinch who ruined christmas with his racist comments. >> chris: yes, points. maria. >> blank on what i was saying. chris: points. chelsey. >> soon i'll be dead pool. chris: yes, points. points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars."
send us your #elderlymovies and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @chefboywadi. us by @chefboywadi. well done! this is the all-new 20wow, it's nice.. let's check it out. do any of you have kids? i do yes. this car has a feature built in called teen driver technology, which lets parent's see how their teens are driving. oh, that's smart. it even mutes the radio until the seat belt is fastened. will it keep track of how many boys get it in the car? (laughter) cause that could be useful. this is ahead of what my audi has for sure. wish my beamer had that. i didn't even know that technology existed. i'm not in the market for a car but now i may be.
so we brought in a phd phd to help explain them. you're getting this refund because your son is a qualifying dependent, i, i can see that. good. good. good! good. great. intuit turbo tax. people love me for saving them over half a grand when they switch to progressive. so i'm dabbling in new ventures. it was board-game night with the dalai lama. great guy. terrible player. ♪ go paperless ♪ don't stress, girl ♪ i got the discounts that you need ♪
it's a balancing act, but i got to give the people what they want -- more box. any words for the critics? what can i say? critties gonna neg. [ applause ] the what?! [ laughs ] schick xtreme3. 3 flexible blades... ...that adapt to any contour... ...for extreme comfort. schick xtreme3. try xtreme3 ultimate. more glide, better comfort. free your skin.
funcomfortabletour.com for more info. now it's time to play "les miserable men." one stereotype we're about to exploit for comedic purposes is that women be shoppin'. and when they be shoppin', men be waitin'. what, you know. who is with me. this happens to everyone even kanye west. we have all been there, kanye. he looks almost approachable. [cheers and applause] >> chris: one little -- one finger sticking out to remained us he's a finger in the booty ass bitch. that's right. pointing to it. just pointin point to it down t. what's he dreaming about? himself. comedians, i'm going to show you a photo from the wonderful instagram account "miserable men" and, for 250 points, i want you to answer a few questions.
first, this defeated slumper, he can't even lift his arm to talk on the phone. who's he talking to on the phone? khe see. >chelsey.>> suicide hotline. chris: points. maria. >> the valets that move his velvet stool around. >> chris: yes, points. [laughing] sreufpl>> chris: velvet stool ss gross, it would feel so good coming out. next up. now this guy is in a bra shop there. what would he rather be doing? >> a absolutely nothing. [ applause ] >> chris: yes. maria. >> yes, he has a sudden urge to go motor boating. >> i just found out what that was.
>> chris: you just -- what did you think it was? >> oh, god. chris: what did you think motor boating was? [cheers and applause] >> chris: maria, what is motor boating? >> well, i thought it was when -- it was -- lower on the female anatomy. >> chris: like the knees. >> no. the -- the -- >> chris: you're turning red. >> you know what i'm talking about. >> chris: i don't know what are you talking about. what's between the boobs and the knees? [laughing] >> well, my family we call it the susie. [laughing] [laughing] >> chris: you call it -- get out of here. this is my cat.
alright. finally, this sleeping beauty. this sleeping beauty. that guy has no [beep] to give for like 40 years. what store is he in? randall. >> the new more body positive abercrombey and fitch. [ applause ] >> chris: chelsey. >> oldest navy. chris: points. very good. >> chris: that's the end of "les miserable men." it's time for our live challenge. [cheers and applause] >> chris: this story is amazing and fills me with immense joy. the rich kids on instagram are getting parents in trouble. they're being charged with fraud and tax evasion after law
enforcement looked into instagram posts. i don't know, i don't know if nobody thinks people sees those. anything in social media is a missable in court, guys. it's hard to feel bad for these dummies. all taken with a punch me. every dude on a yacht automatic dick pic. we're not saying they're guilty of anything other than raising assholes. right now, please post your own incriminating instagram pic. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i told you about rich kid instagrams like this getting a lot of likes from investigators. i asked you to post your own stupidly wealthy stupid photo. let's see what you came up with. police car ya, let's start with you. >> i can't wait to eat this condor shaped cake. it's not a condor. i mean taste the blood, not blood frosting. typing, stop typing. >> chris: definitely not a condor. shell see. >> #tbt. hanging out -- [cheers and applause] >> you wouldn't think that they're friends but they are.
we are. >> chris: i think trump put you in there to be the wall between the two of you. [cheers and applause] randall parks. >> uncle donald gave me a couple of bucks to give out high fives at his last rally. >> chris: maria, the next game. gweneth paltrow stingy ouch-oh. anthropomorphic juice cleanse gwyneth paltrow famously keeps up her decadent celebrity lifestyle with a rotating regimen of kale eyeball infusions and magnetic moondust baths, but she truly one-upped herself this week with her most depraved treatment yet: painful bee stings! as bizarre as bee therapy is. i believe she has stranger bee stings up her shraefb. >> wasp therapy.
you talk about problems with other white friends. >> chris: points. very good, points. >> it works. chris: randall. >> purging your dinner to the music of coldplay. >> chris: points. maria. >> raccoon sitting. you sit on a raccoon. >> live gold fish colonic. >> >> being redesigned by hong kong robot design erycy. >> chris: alright. [ applause ] >> hello i'm gweneth paltrow. chris: chelsey. >> stick room purging. you throw up in a hot addict. >> chris: yes. you sweat out all of the pounds you're throwing up.
>> chris: that's the end of "gwyneth paltrow stingy ouch-oh." maria thayer you're in third place, sorry we must eliminate you. we still love you. we have to eliminate you. >> i understand. chris: i feel like such a suzsusie right now. [cheers and applause] so sorry. any last words before we bake you in the red light? >> just watch those who can't on trutv. >> chris: yes. red light. >> thank you for having me here. chris: thank you, maria. that means it's time to travel on a dime. it's "for the win!" [cheers and applause] last week was spring break for many of our nation's colleges, so the u.s. state department took to twitter to dispense some
helpful travel advice for all those kids looking to take thei >> chris: stds around the world. yes this std is made in america. for some reason, though, their advice sounds less like a message from a government agency and more like something shouted by the referee of a wet t-shirt contest. "not a ten in the us? then not a ten overseas. beware of being lured into buying expensive drinks or worse-- being robbed." so basically they're saying why else would someone be nice to an uggo like you! don't get [beep] by someone trying to rob you. i would like another tasteless travel tip tweeted by the u.s. state department. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @mid this is shaving. a blade. many blades. sharp blades. blades here, blades there. some more over there... whoa! that's not another blade. this is shielding.
with lubrication here and here. the new gillette with proshield lubrication before and after the blades shields from irritation for a close, comfortable shave. the new proshield from gillette. the best a man can get. and one proshield refill gets you up to one month of shaves. doesn't make you very, verye having ajealous.pa you've clearly never had a quesalupa. taco bell's quesalupa with pepper jack cheese in the shell. what are you waiting for?
i think we should've taken a tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not know where tarzan go. hey, excuse me, do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan, king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do. ohhhhhh! do you have to do that right in my ear?
>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. before the break, i showed you this tasteless spring break travel tip from the u.s. state department and asked you to come up with another offensive piece of advice they might tweet out. let's see what you wrote. first one, the state department would like to remained you eat'n ain't cheat'n. [ applause ] >> chris: thank you. [cheers and applause] >> chris: or, or ... if a gypsy throws a baby in the air don't catch it. if you do a gypsy will steal your phone and sign you up for a ashley madison account. that's how that actually happened, brenda. [cheers and applause] >> chris: sounds like number. two who is number two?