tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central April 7, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT
good nightly, everyone! >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on nbc news! twitter reacted with glee when george mason university renamed its law school after late supreme court justice scalia, not because they like werewolf mike huckabee, but because the acronym for the antonin scalia school of law is #asslaw! [cheers and applause] >> chris: you know, it's a shame because justice scalia was always more of a tits law man. immediately after the announcement, asslaw became the butt of everyone's jokes, and george mason switched the name to antonin scalia law school. though, no official word yet
from dean mix-a-lot. comedians, since the original name will always live on in our hearts and butts, what's a class you could take at a.s.s. law? affion- go! >> gluteus versus maximus. chris: yes. jamar. >> a culinary class that teaches you to make truffle butter. >> chris: absolutely. tiffany. >> how to give diplomatic immunity for nikki menage's ass. >> chris: it's time for @midnight! >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: performing his "taller on tv" tour at the improv in ft. lauderdale april 15-17, it's affion crockett. [cheers and applause]
>> chris: from "keanu," in theaters april 29-- his stand-up special is coming to bouncetv in june-- it's jamar neighbors. >> chris: also from "keanu" and "the carmichael show," sundays on nbc, it's tiffany haddish. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." here are a bunch of trending topics that can't even. first up, "orange you sad?" a giant, bloated orange head was upset after a devastating loss yesterday. no, not that orange head! this orange head! that's syracuse university's mascot during last night's trouncing by uconn in the women's basketball championship.
more like march sadness, am i right?! crazy that this game was in indiana, because typically to see mascots this depressed you have to go to cleveland. comedians, give me a chant this sad mascot would lead. affion. >> nah, nah, nah, hey, hey i want to die! >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: points. jamar. >> if i have me an a. give me a gun. [laughing] >> chris: next, "jammie dodgers." if guy ritchie has taught us anything, it's that british gangsters talk like if dr. seuss ran a fight club, and that brits love a good heist. well, a handful of british
ne'er-do-wells got theyselves pinched in the caper of the century. "gang of biscuit thieves jailed for nicking 20,000 pounds of jammie dodgers." bollocks! bollocks! the bicky's been nicked! the bicky's been nicked! get statham on the blower. comedians, i'm going to show each of you a different cookie thief, and i want you to introduce them to us as a character in a guy richie film. affion, you're up first. who's this? >> oh, this bloke here. that's mickey overbite. we call him that he uses too much teeth to blow your [beep] >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: jamar. >> that's hacksaw hank. [laughing] >> you going to stop right there. we got it. >> he's not violent. he just works at home depot. >> chris: ya. points. tiffany, what about this guy? >> that's tommy milk cut.
he looks like a missing kid and his breath smells like old ass milk. [laughing] >> i thought that was seth green for a minute. >> chris: it's not. >> it's donny -- >> bud bundy. >> i know, i know. chris: we all lookalike. [ applause ] >> chris: next, "audio quiz." this amazing japanese freak-out song had everybody in the writers' room aflutter this morning. let's take a listen. ♪ ♪ it plays a key role in a truly breathtaking new viral video. comedians, what was this the soundtrack to: a game show where men in baby costumes swallow coins or a demonstration of a virtual reality sex suit?
tiffany. >> demonstration of a virtual reality sex suit. is that sounds [beep] too. [cheers and applause] >> chris: yes. [ applause ] >> got it right -- >> a dick or a horse. [laughing] >> chris: a great amount of pressure to show you this video. not as much as this guy is experiencing. take a look. ♪ ♪ >> damn. [ applause ] >> chris: i mean --
she understands. people are just going to stop going to work. i mean, honestly how many skeletons will they find wearing this? [laughing] >> chris: in the thousands. the tens of thousands. >> you know what is crazy about that. even if you heard someone electrocuted their dick and died it would be like let me get two of those. and now it's time for tonights "hashtag wars." two of our comedians tonight are from a movie called "keanu" which i am preemptively declaring the best cat movie ever. [cheers and applause] >> chris: you should absolutely go out and see this.
so since we have clearly got cat movies kofrdz. we're looking to new ground with tonight's hashtag, #catbooks. examples: "a farewell to armrests" and "to kill a mockingbird and leave its body in my owner's slippers." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now! affion. >> the great catsby. chris: tiffany. >> the old man and the pussy. chris: jamar. >> moby barbed dick. [laughing] >> chris: points. tiffany. >> the scarlet letter. chris: points. affion. >> charlie and the pussy factory. >> chris: points. jamar. >> i know why the caged bird is dead. >> chris: tiffany. >> the girl with the hello kitty tattoo. >> chris: jamar. >> puss and roots. chris: yes. >> two cats in a hat. chris: points. affion. >> a tale of two kitties.
♪ dentastix cleans... so you can get closer. i think we should've taken a tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not know where tarzan go. hey, excuse me, do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan, king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do. ohhhhhh! do you have to do that right in my ear?
[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play "russian to the alter." oh, russia-- or as i like to call it, ice florida. if you're over the age of 25, i'm guessing your facebook feed is clogged with precious wedding photos that look like taylor swift farted them into a mason jar. russian wedding photos, on the other hand, look like they were s pulled out of a gas station toilet with meth sharts.
comedians, i'm going to show you what's apparently a bizarre russian wedding photo from the blog "preeyuff?" and for 250 points you're going to have to answer a question about it. first up, this festive reception. give us a line from this wedding toast. jamar. >> i'm sorry your father couldn't make it he called to say he has a particular set of skills. [laughing] >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> i apologize, whole wedding party disappeared. i should know better to compare -- to flatulance. [ applause ] >> chris: this blushin' russian where is she going on her honeymoon? jamar. >> to give that penis back to dr. manhattan. [laughing]
>> chris: points. affion. >> going to smurf village to find the steroid owner of that [beep] >> chris: points. tiffany. >> she's going to a gang bang at the screening of avitar. that movie just came out in russia. >> chris: points. brand new. [ applause ] >> they love me right here. chris: oh, ya. [laughing] >> chris: this guy just stopped paying attention to the show. he's not seeing anything that's happening over there. he's just -- [cheers and applause] >> chris: we will have to pry him off the chair at the end. next up these rowdy russians. what did the photographer say to get them to take this shot? jamar. >> show my daughter how much you
love her. [laughing] >> chris: affion. >> i promise this best way to get five star rating in my uber. [laughing] [cheers and applause] f>> five star. >> chris: finally, this russian reboot, what's something you'd see written in this guest book? tiffany. [laughing] >> finally a wedding i can jack off too. your friend, michael bay. >> chris: yes, points. [ applause ] >> chris: jamar. >> where tyrese at?
sincerely, tyrese. >> chris: points. affion. >> hey it's me, optimus prime. i hope your honey moon transforms your love and i hope your sperm rolls out! >> chris: that's the end of "russian to the alter." it's time for the live challenge. it's time for our live challenge, "j.k. ballin'." potterheads, rejoice! stoners, pick your bongs back up, i said "potterheads." the chair that j.k. rowling sat her butt down in and wrote the first two "harry potter" books in is up for auction. rowling says that she parked this very chair in front of her typewriter and started creating magic. no word on the typewriter's price, but if she wanted to mak -- >> the second harry potter book in this chair.
>> chris: jk rowling says she was using this to create her magic. no word on the typewriter's price, but if she wanted to make a certain @midnight host very happy, she could send it to the set. i could put it on my face like a suit. if you think i'm kidding. here is a photo of me last night at the wizarding world of harry potter. >> shut up. chris: yes. right outside hogs ph-fplt ead. hello fellow raven claws. which beyond measure is man's greatest treasure. i can't be the only harry potter fan disappointed to miss out on this event. describe features of the chair. we will get your answers right after this break and be right
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you a chair that housed one of the most magical butts on earth, and i wanted you to help auction it off. let's see what you came up with. jamar. >> this chair comes with a hole in the seat where barns and noble took turns kissing her asshole. [ applause ] >> chris: making a awful lot of money for them. affion. >> this chair won't guarantee
you will have writing success. we can guarantee a yeast infection and you will smell like two books worth of farts. >> chris: alright. [ applause ] >> chris: tiffany. >> it's a [beep] old chair that's tagged on with draw feety and stuff. these chairs are everywhere. but because a white lady used it to write a book about a wizard it's four hundred thousand dollars. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: interesting point. interesting points. [laughing] >> chris: every white person is like, what do we do? >> [beep] chris: i give a thousand points to tiffany. 500 to affion and 250 to jamar. >> chris: it's time for "pants
on fire." it's officially tell a lie day. or, is it? historically george washington hated this holiday and nixon loved it so to celebrate this fib fest, many of the lies you've told as possible. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now. afion. >> no you're not fat. that's extra love meat. >> chris: points. jamar. >> i smoke weed for medicinal purposes. >> chris: tiffany. >> yes, i'm angela basset. >> there is no such thing as a ugly baby. your baby looks like a young steve -- >> chris: points, jamar. >> when i get rich i'll give back to the community, ya. >> chris: points. tiffany. >> oh, cliff, it's so big, it hurts. [cheers and applause] >> chris: okay.
i'm giving you points. i'm also pissed no one has attempted to use that line. jamar. >> man, i would never wear a dress in a movie. >> chris: points. tiffany. >> yes, i'm pregnant by you, chris. you're going to pay this child support. >> chris: points, points. i'm sorry i can't keep my big old dick in my pants. it's so big, it's hard to contain it. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's just hard to contain it. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that's the end of "pants on fire." affion, you're in third place. any last words before se see eliminate you? >> ya, get this damn buzzard fixed so when i come back to the
show i will win this [beep]. >> chris: i appreciate that. [laughing] >> chris: will you please -- you know -- >> wait. >> wait. [laughing] >> chris: affion! [cheers and applause] >> chris: we didn't have time to put on the red light. just put it on. that happened. what? >> you want me back out here? >> don't be scared. don't be scared i got you, boo. >> i'm not scared, you're having our a bow. >> yes. chris: that means -- >> and i'll just take care of it.
[laughing] that means it's time to troll the boulevard. it's "for the win!" los angeles gets a bad rap for being an apathetic city of "meh" enthusiasts, but angelenos are really passionate and engaged on the issues. for instance, they're voicing their opinions about the upcoming election by leaving commentary on donald trump's star on the hollywood walk of fame. >> chris: ya he has one weird, right. and by "leaving commentary" i mean they're letting their dogs take a ( bleep ) on it. [cheers and applause] >> chris: one of the many creative defacements that make me happy to live here. comedians, i want you to deface the trump star in your own special way. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when answers and name the winner when we come back on
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hey there, can i help you with anything? hey siri, what's at&t's latest offer? oh, i don't think that siri can... right now, switch to at&t for an iphone and get one free. wow, is that right? yeah, it's basically... yes. that is the current offer from at&t. okay siri, you don't know everything. i know you asked me to call you the at&t hostess with the mostest okay, shut her down. turn it off. right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line.
>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win." i will wipe the scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this: i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i showed you the creative ways people are ruining donald trump's walk of fame star and asked you to give it your own defacing. let's see what you came up with. first one ... a gift from the people of mexico. [laughing]
>> chris: or ... donald trump is o k2 globalkkk. [cheers and applause] >> chris: who is number two? jamar! you won the internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be reggie watts, rachel bloom and emo philips. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #catbooks and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. see you tomorrow. oh, that's amazing. oh. i hope you're not talking about the kegels. i was not. oh, um, hey, ab. would you maybe want to get, uh, um, dinner if you're free later? you mean like a date? well, yeah. my treat. um, i don't know if that's really, like, our thing, right? well, yeah. but, you know how when we have sex you tell me not to talk so you can concentrate, which i-i totally get.