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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 8, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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might be happening on google. st more than a thing that tells you what happened to the mr. bell ve-- belvedere guy, oh, he sat on his balls, it is also a false story. also a krussable for high-tech experiences like cars you don't need, glasses that make you look like a jerk. now google's parent company alphabet is saying they might be building a whole city from the ground up. be honest, i think the futuristic company would build from the skydown but task's fine. alphabet city could be used as an you are been test tube to try out far out futuristic ideas like city wide wi-fi, driverless mass transity, never having to talk to another person in the real world again. i cannot wait to visit
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googletown. so comedians what are some of the famous landmarks i should see while i'm there. reggie watts. >> you should go to mcgoogles. you should go to mcgoogles and say hello to the googler. wayne: . >> chris: all right, perfect. rachel bloom. putie pie memorial middle school. >> chris: emo philips. >> the by civil war, did you mean silverware monument. >> chris: yes, exactly. it's perfect. it's time to farther "@midnight" . captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to "@midnight." i am tonlt's comedians are from the late late show with james corden performing at the onion
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comedy festival in chicago june 4th, reg ye watts. (applause) from crazy exgirlfriend mondays on the c-w it's golden globe for best actress winner rachel bloom! (cheers and applause) i mean you probably-- you keep that in a vault, right. >> it's actually really like [bleep] weird that you mention that because i just-- i happen to have it-- . >> chris: that's crazy! (applause) >> thank you. >> chris: form performs at cap city comedy club april 13th through the 16th. emo philips.
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>> yes. so glad you're here, so glad you're here. it is now time to turn off our brains an open our mouths. it's pannedderdome. within -- panderdome. here's a list of things that could be fun to talk b i don't know, we'll just have to wait and see. first up, feel the butts on tuesday, bernie sanders took home a big win in wisconsin showing his campaign pledge of free cheese for all finally paid off. bernie has been all over social media because if you are starting a political revolution no place is too sacred to strike up a conversation like this comment that the real b sanders posted on a dirty coed video. she wouldn't have to do this if college were free. (applause). >> chris: bernie, bernie, bernie. you horny socialistment now i
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question whether or not this is the real bernie sanders. it says posted via and road and i'm pretty sure bernie still calls porn hub on a land line. this is actually a comment on a clip from debbie does fafsa but-- what is a comment we might see from a presidential candidate. >> marco rubio, man i love pulling out. >> chris: points, points. he does. yeah. emo. >> john kasich. i'm happy just to watch. (applause). >> chris: next up, when in new york, when in new york. socialist rip van winkel bernie sanders won the wisconsin primary this week despite hillary clinton's best effort at goods old-fashioned pannedderring. she posted this fun snap of her con torting her face into a smile while drinking some beer with the caption when in
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wisconsin. the consumption of alcohol is an enjoyable pass time which i'm very familiar with. go football. so hillary is going to have to step up her pannedder game big time. so what is a quint essential new york activity she can engage in to win the hearts of big apple voters. reggie. >> pushing an ethnic family out of an up and coming neighborhood and-- (laughter). >> chris: points. >> chris: rachel bloom. >> waiting for the a train at 2 a.m. to go visit her [bleep] buddy in washington heights. >> chris: points. emo philips. >> holding a rally in the pant suit district. >> chris: yeah. next up, derp, done all trump billionaire sofn a citrus grove is at it again with the dumb things in the mouth saying we need to eliminate the nonexistent department of
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environmental. >> largely, we can eliminate the department of education, department of environmental-- i mean the dep is killing us, environmentally. it's just killing our businesses. >> chris: the department of environmental. is that like the bureau of economical? i don't know-- i guess the department of environmental sounds like it could be a thing like veggie burger or president trump but it's not. i mean i think he was-- (applause) i think he just-- i think he was trying to say department of environmental protection, environmental protection, i guess that is what-- but he didn't a that. so as long as we are just making [bleep] up what is another government agency that president donald trump should get rid of. rachel. >> mexico. >> chris: points. reggie. >> the csi. >> chris: yeah, points. that is the end of pander dome, it is now time for our hashtag
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wars. now some people on this panel already have a golden globe award which is very nice. there it is. the golden globe award. (cheers and applause) but the tony nominations come out in about a month. and that's when the world will learn which hamiltons deserve the hamiltons for best hamilton. broadway is so hot right now it's only a matter of time until they try working musical numbers into c-w shows. #r but. >> never gets old. >> chris: one of the reasons people are intentionally paying to hang out in time square for three hours is broadway star power which is why tonight's hashtag is broadwayaceleb, so examples might be phantom of the oprah. or dwayne the rock of ages. 60 seconds, begin. emo. >> obama-mia.
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>> chris: reggie. >> hasselhoff and the angry inch. >> chris: points. emo. >> weird al madden. >> chris: yes, points. >> chris: rachel. >> sunday in the park with george takei. >> chris: yes, points. reg ye. >> hitler on the roof. >> chris: points. get off of there, hitler, get off the roof, get the hose, get the hose. >> chris: emo philips. >>-- . >> chris: points. rachel. >> julia sweenie todd. >> chris: yes, points, reggie. >> grumpy cat. >> chris: yeah, points, points. that is the end of the hashtag wars, send us your hashtag broadway a celeb to keep the game going. we'll be back with more "@midnight." >> congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. hashtag war. well played.he number one network in america.
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i know what you're thiining, they all claim stuff like that. yeah, but some of them are stretching the truth a little bit. one claimed to be four times better. we said, four times better than who? they said, four times better than we used to be. wh-wh-wha? if you're four times better than you used to be and you're still not the best, your tagline should be, "not as rubbish as we were." (sighs) only verizon is the nation's most awarded wireless network ever. now get 20 gigs on 4 lines for $80 when you switch to the best network. steady morning energy whether you...e play it cool... how's it going? or don't play it cool. you're attractive! i just... i didn't mean to come on so... i... wasn't coming on to you i actually have a boyfriend. belvita. because we can all use steady morning energy.
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♪ deux trois quatre crafted with care, for a dry, balanced taste. c'est cidre not cider. >> chris: welcome tbook "@midnight." it's time to play audio visual birth control.
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audio visual birth control. child birth is a painful process, i'm told but there is one thing that can make it worse. announcing your pregnancy with a song parody. unfortunately more and more couples be on youtube are uploading music par oddees of macklemore and fetty wap, they are about as popular as cringe worthy. i will show you highly embarrassing announcements, for 250 points answer a question about the couple its responsible for them. first up this woman's take on fetty wap ♪ coming at my front much too long ♪ married to my hon ♪ now we got a baby on the way ♪. >> i think it's great she said whole plur all, very nice, that's very generous.
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how did they break the news to her hubby. emo fill ups. >> by using a coded message utilizing the first letter of every answer in the sunday "new york times" cross word. >> chris: i am positive that's what it was. points. reggie. >> by having him killed in person. >> points. next up, this pair of bleebers wiliers with snoalt oh, something baby ♪ girl it could be a boy ♪ what do you think yeah, yeah ♪ you can pick out the cl ♪ >> chris: mama gave up a dream ♪ to have you that's how that
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reads. what's another thing this couple is wondering about. emo. >> how fast can we go before the cameraman falls off the hood. >> chris: reggie. >> how to use quantum phasing to escape a series of time travelers which are infecting the human population. >> chris: yeah, point, point, points. and you knew it was coming, the uptown funk parody. this bun takes nine months ♪ i'll get a few more lumps and bumps ♪ with growing, straight master pieces ♪ my last wandering around the city ♪ i got flats on ♪ and i feel like i'm going to piss myself, that
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ain't pretty ♪ >> chris: so the question is where is her partner? rachel. >> following her with the care yokee track like he's [bleep] supposed to, frank. >> chris: yeah, points. points. reggie watts. >> swinging from a belt in the garage. >> chris: emo. >> he's out impregnating some backup singers. >> chris: goddam it, yes. finally this someone of an estimated 32,000 hello parodies. ♪ hello from the outside
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expecting you early july ♪ >> chris: what will this baby grow up to be? rachel. >> hopefully deaf. >> chris: reggie? >> he grows up to be a b average student, probably getting involved in some kind of theatrical stuff, going to wisconsin for a labor dispute and then kind of just hangs out a lot in the local bar. >> chris: yeah, point, points. emo. >> the future founder of fetus anonymous. >> chris: points, yeah. there it is, right there. ground floor. that is the end of audio visual birth control. time for our live challenges. services to sausages, services to sausages. one of our favorite little nooks on the web is the subreddit
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not-- a treasure troaf of humanity and it's most by glamplet you would think they would be tim and eric scwechs but they are not, they are real like this more troit of a man that looks like he is encarnacion cased in sausage here being honored for his sausage services. have i no idea how this man serviced sausages but judging by the happy look on his dildo trophy face, i would say he did a pretty goddam good job. so comedian, i could easily google this. i would like you to show me the particular sausage and how it got made as the recipient for the award for sausage services. let's get your answers after the break. we'll be right back with more we'll be right back with more "@midnight." hey there, can i help you with anything? hey siri, what's at&t's latest offer? oh, i don't think that siri can... right now, switch to at&t for an iphone and get one free. wow, is that right? yeah, it's basically...
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yes. that is the current offer from at&t. okay siri, you don't know everything. i know you asked me to call you the at&t hostess with the mostest okay, shut her down. turn it off. right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line.
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the bud light party believes in change. that's why bud light has a new look... and we want to share it with everyone... from our national parks... to our furthest shores... jackpot! to your living room. look under your seats! [squeals of delight] still the same refreshing bud light. with a new look. ♪
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goodbye artificial colors that's shoand flavors.eam. goodbye big food. ♪ hello farmers. hello farmer-owned co-op.
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hello integrity. hi molly. hello oregon hazelnuts. hello salted caramel. we found ice cream that's really creamy. and there's enough for everyone. tillamook >> chris: welcome back to the "@midnight" program, before the break i showed you the photo of a rudy faced mays worker being honored for sausage services and i would like you to give me his acceptance speech, let's see what you came up with. reggie, let's start with you. >> thank you to the people ahdb for this award. i just wish my mother, father, brother and grandparents hadn't died of high cholesterol so they could be here. today. >> chris: excellent. rachel bloom. >> thank you. i would-- i would like to dead kailt this award to all of the eight grade girls who recently
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serviced their first sausage. >> chris: very nice. very nice. emo philips. >> i want to thank my parents for using a sausage casing as a con dom. >> chris: all right. we have to do a thousand points emo, 500 each to rachel and reggie as we go to our next game, famous family spinoffs, famous family spinoffs. anyone can have a deeply messed up family but to have a reality show as successful as the kardashians or duggars or-y boo boos you need that special twist, could be handy brother or racei grandfather just being obsessed with fame at any cost. who knows. i will show you famous families and give me the name of their tv show. all right, first up, the smiths, the smiths. yes, reggie. >> the fresh prince of rylon7. >> chris: pointings.
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next up, the joelie pits. rachel. >> eight is not enough and will never be enough. >> chris: points. very good. i think it's nice they adopted an adult asian man too. very well dressed. next up, the trumps. the trumps emo philips. >> i done know what the show is going to be called but it's going to be ground breaking. >> chris: goddam it, yes. next up, the cyruss. rachel. >> zero simple rules for dating my teenage daughter. >> chris: points. next up, these horses. emo philips. >> how i tramp eled your mother. >> chris: yes, points.
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points. next up, the tylers. the tylers. rachel. >> talenteddish. >> chris: there's the end of famous family spin offers, reggie watts, you're in third place. i love every one on this peanl, it's the end of the week, you're all my friends and i love you so everyone can go to for the win. i'm not going to red light anybody. i can't do that. i can't do it. yeah. that means it's time to come out of your hell, companies. it's for the win. by now you probably heard about the panama papers a leak of more than 11 million documents that confirm what you already knew, a secret cabal of bll-- billionaires and word leaders doing shady bliep bleep with their money.
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among them a putin also chinese johnny knoxville and even iceland prime minister mrs. doubtfire. was forced to resign. hello. good-bye. so at the epicenter is pan mania law firm mossack fon secretaryo one of the wealthiest businesses if panama even though the sign is a pee and graferrityi covered shipping con tairer. who are these overlords, they have haven't tweeted their ringleaders but here is one from a couple of weeks ago of their blel sprort attorneys. the friendly faces of mens warehouse teen wolf and queen latina are here at your side. so comedians, based on these photos, one what is the slogan for this pan mannian law firm. well ve have our comedians answers and name a winner when answers and name a winner when we come back on "@midnight."
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sorry... sorry... regerts? sorry, i was eating a milky way. ♪ sir, this alien life form at an alarming rate. growing fast, you say? we can't contain it any long...
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oh! you know, that reminds me of how geico's been the fastest-growing auto insurer for over 10 years straight. over ten years? mhm, geico's the company your friends and neighbors trust. and deservedly so. indeed. geico. expect great savings and a whole lot more. welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for the win.
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i will wipe your scores clean. i will read the answers allowed, you the audience will decide the winner. before the break i told you about the global money laundering conspiracy facilitated by mossack con secretaryament a couple of those pan maniacs right there and i asked to you give me a slogan for their law firm. let's see what you wrote. first one, first one, if we can't launder money for you, we will be executed and that's a promise. number three is the win, who is number three. emo philip philips has won the internet.
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you are the funniest man in america for the next 23 and a half hours, i half him so much. one of my heroes. we'll see you monday, our guests will be logan paul, vitaly zdorovetskiy. and britainy furlan. i'm chris hardwick on the streets of the instagram. have a great weekend. i can't thank you enough for this golden globe award. [relaxed surf music] - aloha, aloha, aloha, my friends! hey, what's up? - what's going on? - here you go. i got you some boogie boards as sort of a thank-you for coming all this way to do "house party." i really appreciate it. mahalo. - thanks. uh, i don't really boogie. uh, but thanks for buying us these gifts. - oh, no, i-- i didn't buy them. they call me a cheap bastard. i'm regifting them because a magical tree elf gave them to me, so...

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