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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  April 8, 2016 2:08am-2:39am PDT

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items on taco bell's new $1 morning value menu. each for just a buck. the new $1 morning value menu at taco bell. it's not even fair. [sfx: bong] ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: that's all we have time for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. here it is, your moment of zen. >> well, i mean, a lot of people have been charged with various things. that doesn't necessarily mean we need to demonize them. you've probably been charged with something too, maybe a misdemeanor or something. it doesn't mean you're an evil, horrible person. and, you know-- >> i actually haven't. >> the problem that we have-- >> larry: hi, i'm basic cable larry wilmore host of the nightly show. we have a special thing, as you may or may not know this is the second year of our march madness bracket challenge and this year villanova won. which means have i to host tontd's show as my 197-- 1970st
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self soul daddy. so it's time for me to open up the time portal and bring me back in 1976 to 2016. damn, man, that was a hell of a ride. hey, soul brothers and soul sisters, let's get this mother sucking show started. captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause). >> larry: how's it going. thank you very much. cheersz plaws thank you.
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>> larry: hey, everybody, all right. shut the [bleep] up, you know what i'm saying. nice to be here in 2016. it's a long way from 1976. all right. good to be here. i heard y'all got an election going on right? who's running? >> the battle for the nomination intensify, hillary clinton and senator bernie sanders are fighting for the empire state's 247 democratic delegates. >> larry: you got some mama running? okay. wait, hold on. is that bernie? oh [bleep] oh [bleep], that's my boy! no, hold on! i'm telling you mother [bleep] he was me, huey newton protesting in oakland in 73ee. damn, i'm shocked that [bleep] is still alive. bernie was old in my time, right? i got him number two in the pool
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right behind san diego chickens. life span of chickens is only 7, 8 years. [bleep] damn, all right, you got a lady one running, that's cool, that's cool. man, i wonder what the current president thinks about that. >> people expect the president of the united states dg-- . >> larry: hold on, hold on, hold on. (laughter) nows that [bleep]'s not funny. that's not funny, mother [bleep]. i said show me the president not a brother talking about the president. who is that, the president of the naacp or some [bleep] i don't know that mother [bleep]. show me the president of the united states. >> people expect the president of the united states and the elected officials in this country to treat these problems seriously. >> larry: shut the front door. (laughter) that is the president? damn 2016! soul daddy just got a pride
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boner, right? right? damn! i guess the black panthers came through. i told you they would. i knew american would embrace them after a while. good job mother whreep bleep you fixed racism, good on you. that's some good [bleep] man all right who else is running. >> when mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. they're bringing drugs. they're bringing crime. they're rapists. >> larry: i [bleep] i guess you didn't fix racism, right? this [bleep], you know what i'm talking about right? wait, hold on a second. hold on, that trump cat looks just like this honkie named donie that i partied with back in my day. donie is crazy-- hold on donie is crazy, his dad sells rae and [bleep] like that i could swear that is him, back in the summer of 75ee we were at studio 54 and
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lee majors and icek from the love boat, this is true. i saw donie snort cocaine off the six million dollar man's diyk. i'm not making this [bleep] up. that's some true [bleep]. he got a bionic dick too. (laughter) let me tell you something, 5 million of that 6 million went into that dick, i tell you that. that's a fact. that is a fact. all right, what's going on next. let's see. all right. next story is about some babies and [bleep]. all right. >> plump little sex trophies, that is what i call them. all right, babies, what you been up to. >> san francisco now the first u.s. city to mandate six-weeks of paid leave for new parents. (cheers and applause). >> larry: you guys like that [bleep], huh? too bad that is only for the mamas right. >> the new law applies to those men and women.
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>> larry: [bleep] damn six weeks of paid leave forked daddies too, with the number of ladies i got pregnant [bleep] i would have 300 weeks off just last year. that's crazy, man. not that crazy [bleep] surprising me from sandy franny the birth place of risea roni, right? let meal tell you something, you ever mix ricea roni with some blew curacao and crushed up rhino horn? that's the san francisco treat. right? we got some high mother [bleep] there, right? yeah, there you go. yeah. give me your number, baby. give it to me later. let's keep on truckin. show me the next story. all right rampaging radioactive wild boa ars causing havoc near
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fukushima new clear plant. >> i knew that was going to happen in 72ee. i called that. 2016, that is the one-story you got that makes sense. that ain't [bleep] man. now we get to my top story, this is absolutely true. sex toy causes bomb scare in german gambling hall, all right. this is a true story, y'all thsm is from 2016. some guy left his battery-powered penis ring in the bathroom. they had to evacuate, right? okay. right, that is some crazy [bleep]. so i want to know, what kind of world is this where you can't leave your [bleep] ring behind in a german gambling hall right, without everybody getting all up in arms. you know, come on now, that's what [bleep] rings are for. you use it and you pay it forward, right? man. it's like, it's like those, what are those li'l penny dishes at
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the convenience store. take [bleep] ring, leave a [bleep] ring, you know what i am saying. i don't understand this [bleep]. we got a-- [bleep] we got a saying in 1976. if you lover a [bleep] ring, let it go. if it comes back to your wang, then it was always meant to be. (laughter) all in all looks like 2016 is just as freaky deaky and dyn-0-mite at 76ee. we'll be right back with a little bit more. (cheers and applause)
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>> larry: welcome back. thanks [bleep]. appreciate it. this is soul daddy bringing you all my soul from 1976. now look, i got to bring up this whole chick running for president thing again. i mean i get it i voted for shire chisholm in 72. and i always report supported ladies in position of power like reverse cowgirl. that is a powerful position, right? but the question is is america
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ready for such a big change. so anyway we need to rap about this. i brought two cats from back in my time to debate this the way y'all do it on cable these days. here is another out of sight installment of-- please welcome nightly show contributedders mike yard and rory albanese. all right, gentlemen, tonight's topic is america ready for the first female president. mike, will you take the pro, and you will be against lady president. ready? >> groovy, my brother. larry, you going to show us photos of these proposed lady presidents because i would like to nominate susan anton. >> jain kennedy, baby. >> larry: calm down, dogs. calm down, those chicks aren't going to be at the show, okay. now let's vay good debate, y'all >> look, a chick president would be righteous, they just as a as men and because they have been
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held back by the man they are copacetic with the struggle. >> no way, ladies are a secret-- sacred species that must be protected, okay. like the american buffalo, you know what i'm talking about. everybody hates the president but who doesn't love the ladies, right. i don't want a lady's finger on the button. i want my finger on her button, come on. >> hold on, after i buy her a nice dinner, of course, i'm not a dog right, come on. >> yes, you are a dog. okay, kus women can do whatever they put their minds too brother. they can even drive trucks and operate cbst on their own! yeah. what's up, foxy lady. that is equal rights, baby. >> right on. why would a broad even dig being the prez man. when she can be the first lady like that brick house betty ford. damn, man. i will take a slice of that cake any day. >> she is the first lady, not a piece of cake. >> then why does she taste so sweet. >> what? did you [bleep] betty ford?
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>> all right, cats. we'll talk about you [bleep] first lady later. that noise means it's time to switch sides and argue the opposite [bleep]. because remember this is a jive turkey argument of the type that they do on cable. >> hold on sucker, hold on one second. my future self warned me about this here, okay. this is where you always try to make me look like a real jive ass. >> come on don't trip, my future self does that, this soul brother is going to cut you some slack jack. >> all right, all right. >> larry: all right, now rorie you are going to dig on a chick president, mike you will be against mamas ever being seen as equal. >> right? >> larry: all right. and begin. >> okay. look, america is not ready for a chick president because no-- there's no chick governors there's not even chick senators. a women wouldn't be seen as qualified to be our commanding chef. >> typical nixon surrogate mike yard rears his head again ranging on women as usual. just because they haven't done it doesn't mean they are not
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going to be great at it. >> wait a minute. that's not fair. look always i'm saying is there is no way america is ready for a fine fille to be prez because women just aren't seen that way. like okay, if your mama wants to be in the senate. >> what. >> hold on now, hold on now, oh hold on now all i'm saying is if your yo mama wanted to be in the senate, that would feel weird because you see her as your mama. >> why you bringing my mother into this right now. >> larry: yeah, yeah, mike, why you got to talk about his mama. >> thank you larry. >> hold on now cat daddy, hold on. i just mean that there is just no way to just walk into a job that hard. that's all. >> really, mike. you know what's hard, become a wife, all right. raising the kids. bringing home less bacon than the man for the same work. that's why the presidency is going to be a cinch for a lady, am i right, sisters, come on. (cheers and applause). >> larry: right on roy, right on. stand up for the ladies. and the winner is rorie because
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he is gets it with girl's equal rights. he gets it. >> if you don't mind i would like to celebrate my win by inviting all the ladies in your audience back to my pad for some fondue and pcp. >> larry: all right, everybody is invited. >> i can't believe you, larry you lied to you me brother, i trusted you. >> larry: shut up, you are going back to the worm hole. >> come on larry. you know-- turkey sukkah. >> larry: this has been another stone call episode of pardon the integration. mike yard, rorie albanese. everybody, love, peace and soul. we'll be right back.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ only those who dare drive the world forward. introducing the first-ever cadillac ct6.
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>> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel, nightly show cat ricky velez. and nightly show chick holly walker. and this cat over here is the cnn anchor in the network's chief washington correspondent as well as the anchor of cnn work day lead shoap jake tapper and host of the state of the union. he is dyn-0-mite. he's the coolest of cats. he's jake tapper.
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and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter at nightly show using the hashtag tonightly, whatever that means. i have no idea. all right. we are going to do things different tonight. we're going to do like a key swap party, you know what a key party is? they still do that? you must [bleep] do it, right? all right, here is how it goes down. have i a fish bowl full of keys with different subjects on them, just reach in, grab a key and we will talk about that [bleep]. i tell you what, i will go first, okay. there you go. that's my hotel key. all right. okay. there you go. all right, big mama, you go next. >> more like a mot el key. >> larry: that's right, it say mot el. >> election 2016. >> larry: election 2016. that's a good one. that is right up your alley, right.
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election 2016. all right, this is a big election year. now i hear you guys have got a chick running, that's pretty cool, right. so let me ask you this, should a brick house be in the white house? >> i think a brick house is better than a [bleep] house. and that's what-- yeah. and that's exactly what we have got with george w. bush. >> larry: i thought you were talking about that orange mother [bleep] that is running right now. >> him too, him too. >> larry: do you think this foxy mama has a chance? >> pardon me. >> larry: do you think this foxy mama has a chance to be the president?utely. hillary clinton, yes. absolutely she has a very good chance to be the democratic nominee. >> larry: you think so. >> i'm the straight man here, aren't i? >> larry: i don't know, man. i got nothing-- i wrong with a mama telling me what to do. who has the best chance of knocking her out. >> well, she has tough competition from your old friend ben year-- bernie sanders. >> larry: yeah, that man is
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wild. drink to that. >> larry: do you think america's ready to be lead by a female? >> i don't. i dosh-- i do i do think it's ready for a female but not that female. i think hillary has a lot of baggage on her. >> larry: yeah. >> she has a lot of baggage. she's like if you were the adopted dog and went to mike vik's house to pick one up. you don't-- . >> larry: i don't know what that means. who's mike vic. >> it's going to bite you sooner or later it's going to bite you >> a dog fighting ring. >> larry: football player. >> i think definitely some people are opposed to her because she has the toughest time with men. i mean-- especially older white men are the ones that are most reluctant to vote for her. bernie sanders is getting a lot of yung people. and i think a lot of progressiveses. a lot of people think hillary clinton say little too moderate or even conservative. >> larry: bernie has always gotten those young chicks, you know what i am saying.
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>> and i get where hillary is coming from because i have a hard time with older white men too. >> larry: there you go. pass the bowl down, let's get another topic. pick a topic. what have you got? >> flight buster. all right. okay, something called tinder, right, swieb buster is a new website that lets you fine out if your spouse is cheating on the dating an tinder because according to a new study 412% of people on tinder are either married or in a long-term relationship. >> all right. >> larry: i have three questions, number one, what is a [bleep] website. (laughter) all right. number two what the [bleep] san app. and number three, doesn't this [bleep] sound like snitchin'? come on newsman. >> it's definitely snitchin'. there's no question about that. although i have to say anybody that was looking to tinder for you know moral exemplars is probably not in the rise plate to begin with. >> you would actually love it
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because it's about having kind of almost anonymous sex you get on, you find someone that you kind of want to hookup with. you are not necessarily serious about them. >> larry: is it like closing your eyes, reach around and see who you find on your water bed? >> yeah, something like that. >> something like that. >> it's the 20 is of version of that. >> larry: okay. so is that snitchin' to you. >> yeah, to a point but at the same time if you have got to go on tinder to find out if [bleep] good, [bleep] not good. >> larry: i like that, that's a good point. >> >> larry: we're out of time but who gives a [bleep], let's choose another. >> $15 an hour minimum wage. >> larry: so $15 minimum wage is coming to california and new york, they say. i think going from 2.50 to $15 is a big jump. i am just saying that say big jump right. okay, so the question is should
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this be federal issue or state issue like slavery. what do you think? >> chris rock has the great line about-- an african-american comedian, he hosted the oscar this year. >> larry: no [bleep], oh okay. damn, they still got the oscars? [bleep]. >> he said that the minimum wage is the concept for when somebody says i'm going to pay you this amount because anything less than that would be breaking the law. >> larry: right. >> i'm paying you as little as i can possibly pay you. >> larry: yeah. so $15. >> it was funnier when he said it. >> larry: he's a comedian. you ain't a comedian, mother [bleep]. you saying it, it is a sentence right? >> i think 15 is a lot. in new york. >> $30,000 a year. >> come on, man. >> no, huh-uh. >> you are going to make some of my drug dealer friends get a job at cvs. >> larry: $30,000, you can buy
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two corvettes. you condition buy two corvettes. >> all i know is that if new york is getting $15 minimum wage, somebody's getting a raise at the nightly show. >> larry: all right. well, i want to thank everybody for being part of thanks a lot. remember to keep drinking, smoking and see you next time. we'll be right back. if you live in the new york city area or are planning, grab free tickets to attend an upcoming taping of the nightly show. go to the nightly t-mobile does data differently. while the other guys gouge you for every bit of data you use..., t-mobile lets you stream all the video and music that you want from your favorite services... free! without using one bit of your lte data. plus, you can roll your unused data forward. nobody does data like t-mobile. get four lines... ...with ten gigs of 4g lte data each
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will you watch?! do you have the courage to stay up all night? because this is our time! the greatest tv week of our lives! ladies and gentlemen, in the business of binge-watching, sleep is for the week! so i want you ready to order takeout, every single night! now are you with me? to awesomeness! to watchathon!! big is back. xfinity watchathon week starts april 18. the greatest collection of shows free with xfinity on demand. >> larry: thanks to my


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