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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 12, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on cnn money! yahoo is for sale, which is big news for investors from the year 2003. the company is expected to sell for $8 billion, down from a peak value of $255 billion. yahoo went from yahoooo to just gentleman hoo. just yahoo. we're a website. here is video of the company's devaluation in real-time: [laughing] >> chris: no, no. [laughing] >> chris: right there. that's how they learn.
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awwww, poor marissa mayer had it right in her hands! sheryl sandberg should've warned against leaning in to ponds! and if you don't know who either of those women are, put down your mountain dew and read about something other than "game of thrones" spoilers or sports scores for once, guys. several media companies are reportedly thinking of bidding on yahoo, hoping to reach that core audience of people who don't know how to spell google. comedians, since yahoo is up for grabs and you're all internet wunderkinds, how would you turn yahoo around? brittany. >> i would rename is facebook. chris: nice. that's not a bad idea. >> chris: vitaly. >> me t charge $99 every time you look up cheap canadian viagra. >> chris: logan. >> i wouldn't. chris: that is exactly what may happen. it's time to start ""@midnight""! [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by
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comedy central >> chris: you god damn my lenials don't know anything about the yahoos, angle fires, prodigy e-mail address. welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are, from "random tropical paradise," coming soon to theaters, it's brittany furlan. [cheers and applause] >> chris: from "natural born pranksters," in theaters and on-demand now, it's vitaly zdorovetskiy. [cheers and applause] >> chris: from "foursome," available now on youtube red, it's logan paul. [cheers and applause] >> chris: a very reserveserved n paul takes the "@midnight" pitch. a true competitor ready to take the program on. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid. here are the topics that have
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positively delighted all of social media today. tee hee hee! first up is masters of the golfaverse. easily the biggest sports news of last week was the amazing buzzer-beating shot that won villanova the n.c.a.a. championships. but this week, danny willet rocked the golf world by winning the masters in a stunning upset. the energy after the win was powerful. electric. almost sexual in its intensity. let's take a look if you can [beep] handle it. >> our new champion, the groan jacket. [beep] [beep] [beep] [cheers and applause] >> chris: -- lost balance! i haven't seen this much caucasian excitement since coldplay (/ bleep/ ) maroon 5 oa pumpkin spice waterbed. i saw that. i saw it. but let's take a look at the face of last year's winner jordan spieth, who took a brea -- had mixed emotions in the
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background. >> my god. comedians, what was this high-scoring loser thinking whe >> chris: they took this shot. logan. >> my daddy has a bigger weiner then his daddy. >> chris: brittany. >> joke is on him. i hit the place with my caviar farts. >> chris: great name for a band. >> caviar farts. next up who calls burger king. what question could you have? that should of been a clueness for a fast food restaurant who was praeufrpgd by a fire department who told employees to smash all windows because the building was pressurized and could explode this. was the result.
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what are you doing? >> wow. chris: not in my hurry whatsoever. if you think the employees are in no rush to kick the windows of a building blowing up you're not getting your [beep] burger anytime soon. maybe try opening the door first or consider if the building was going to blow up the foyer department may swing by for a second. stud of recruiting teenagers to chuck bricks at the drive-thru. so comedians, what's another prank call you could make to the well-meaning employees of the coon rapids burger king, god bless them. vitaly. >> hello, this is the president. we just learn there is a terrorist on the way to your location. the only way to scare him off is to [beep] each others [beep] >> chris: that's the only way. [laughing] only way to spoil a terrorist
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attack. fall back, fall back they're [beep] each other, we can't blow this place up. you have to do it like that. ahhh! next up parks and observation. public parks are great for people watching, whether it's pregnant women doing zumba to daddy yankee or middle-aged men jogging through the chest pains as they listen to steely dan. but one innovative vine user created his own pastoral scene by pairing parkgoers with an usual soundtrack. is it: old people exercising to drum-and-bass music or teens wearing jncos walking to young jeezy's "tear that pussy up." >> chris: it's tough. vitaly. >> i would say the first one. chris: alright. let's find out. ♪ ♪ >> my god. >> chris: that song is actually a recording of their heart valves. that's all that is.
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that's the end of rapid refresh. and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. [cheers and applause] >> chris: thoughing it out there. thoughing the horns. a restaurant chain in china gave the pink slip to its robot waitstaff earlier this month after the android servers were found to be, surprise! really, really bad at their human jobs. according to the restaurant, they couldn't carry food, take orders correctly, or interact well with customers. sounds like they should go work at the cheesecake factory. what the [beep]. no! what, no! their portions are so hrarplg, how can you say that? the machine aou is menu is a n. we feel bad for the robot waiters no matter how off they are. tonight's hashtag is: #oneletteroffrestaurants examples: pizza hat and shat-a-burger. i'm putting 60 seconds on th clock, begin.
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brittany. >> -- wild wings. >> del taco. >> harry cream. >> chizzler. hris: yes. >> the cheesecake factor. >> jack in my box. >> waffel hose. >> long john sivers. >> wetzel. >> dunking honuts. >> dairy queen. chris: points. my god [beep] you had -- you have had the blizzard at dairy queen. it is intense. yes, vitaly. >> black angus [laughing] >> oh, my god. chris: that is the end of #hashtagwars. send us your #oneletteroffrestaurants and tag
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them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag wars was sent to us by @akilahobviously. well done! why am i a fan of applebee's fan favorites quesadilla burger? it's a burger... inside a quesadilla. genius. hot... melty... cheese. fresh... pico de gallo. woah. mind blown. everyone's a fan with applebee's 2 for $20 fan favorites. ♪ ♪ ♪ can you say i love it?
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♪ oh love it? ♪ can you say hey? ♪ hey! ♪ that's the spirit! oooooh.♪ ♪ ooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ sing sing, baby baby i love you. oh yes.♪ ♪ ooooh oooh. ♪ every little thing.
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hey, can we get some beers? beer! ice cold beer! ♪ ooooh oooh. what beer? ummmm... redd's apple ale! i'll take one too. me too! hey! redd's apple ale! redd's apple ale. crisp like an apple. brewed like a beer. hey there, can i help you with anything? hey siri, what's at&t's latest offer? oh, i don't think that siri can... right now, switch to at&t for an iphone and get one free. wow, is that right? yeah, it's basically... yes. that is the current offer from at&t. okay siri, you don't know everything. i know you asked me to call you the at&t hostess with the mostest okay, shut her down. turn it off. right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play "let's make a squeal." the internet loves two things. cute and creepy. let's make them fight. i will show you a video that could go one of who ways. i want you to tell me for 250 points if it's creepy or kraout. cute. what is under the pillow, brittany? >> cute. hris: let's find out. >> a spider. >> oh. chris: oh, man. >> look how cute. chris: that dog had herpeses. >> ya, ya. chris: no, a cute dog. you get points. what is behind this door, what is behind this door. >> some sort of aracnoid. chris: okay creepy.
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>> cute. >> so cute the dog pulling it through the door. >> oh. wil>> chris: oh, a corgy. >> oh so, cute. chris: a corgy. next one what's behind this door, vitaly. >> damn, it's pretty dark in there. >> that's a tough one. i would say a baby. >> chris: creepy or cute? >> oh. >> a baby. >> it's creepy. chris: creepy. >> what is behind the door. let's find out. >> chris: babies are pretty [beep] creepy. let's find out. no, don't go -- [laughing] >> oh. i knew it >> no. >> is that a dog?
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chris: no. that was adorable to some people but creepy. i'm sure it's a dog or lower spawn -- i don't know. >> it looks like what? chris: it's [beep]ing the pillow. >> how did it get the pillow like. that. >> turn out the lights. >> how defined the pillow to hump! >> chris: next up what about under this rock. creepy or cute, brittany? >> creepy. >> oh! >> ewwweee! >> oh my god! >> oh. >> that's so gross. why is there an octopus under a rock. >> chris: non. it's a rocktopus. >> donald trump is becoming our president, i'm going under a
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rock. [cheers and applause] >> chris: very famous in japan. very famous in japan. next up, next up what about under this rock? i mean behind this slowly opening door, brittany. >> cute. hris: cute? >> yes. chris: let's see. >> no way. chris: what is it? >> no! chris: what the [beep]? how did it get in there. a reindeer in for his cleaning. >> oh. >> cute. hris: points on that. that could be aegt aoer. next up, next up this fuzzy guy. >> oh. >> i have seen this rid video before. >> chris: logan. >> creepy. hris: obviously. >> obviously it's creepy. >> no.
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chris: put it back. put it back! now i feel the audience was a little confused what that was. i think we should watch it again. this here. ahhhh! >> imagine this in your house. >> where are they? chris: peter parker's house. finally. finally how about this hamster eating popcorn. >> cute as [beep]. hris: let's see. oh. >> oh. are you choking? [laughing] >> chris: i only show you that one, i felt wad about the spiders one. that's the end of let's make a squeal. >> chris: it's time for our live challenge, cosmos: a space-vine odyssey. [cheers and applause] monday was the 46th anniversary of the apollo 13 launch, that famous nasa mission that transformed from fun space
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journey to scary space disaster to inspiring space miracle in a matter of days. who can forget the famous tom hanks line "houston, we've got a problem" which was, fun fact, actually misquoted from the real line "houston, we've had a problem," which was actually misquoted from the real, real line "houston, oh (/ bleep/ ), r asses are gonna burn up in space houston, this sucks." jesus christ! [ applause ] but a lot's changed since 197. for one, astronauts no longer have to use those gravelly phones to communicate back with earth. they can use social media like facebook, periscope, youtube, or even vine! comedians, since you rule the internet video game, we want you to create your own six-second videos from space. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! ♪ you have more important things to do... so, we'll meet you at the car with applebee's carside to go.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, we showed you a music video made on the space. brittany, let's start with you. >> being on the moon is great. but a 17 month trip for freeze dried ice cream. >> chris: ya, brittany. [cheers and applause] >> chris: vitaly. >> hey mom, dad, girlfriend. don't worry about me, i'm on my best behavior. thank you so much -- [laughing] >> chris: oh! logan. >> houston, we have a problem. i just poopd in my space suit.
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if you could send matt damon to grow potatoes out of it. that would be great. >> chris: he never came. >> he never came? chris: a thousand points to vitaly. 500 to logan. 250 to brittany. time for our next game. fly as hell. sunday was the 150th anniversary of the founding of the a.s.p.c.a., that wonderful organization that helps animals find loving homes with loving carpets they can (/ bleep/ ) on. we here on @midnight adore animals, because without them we wouldn't get gifs like this: >> oh. >> oh. >> my gosh. chris: this was shot through the peep hole of a catnip house. in fact, since our fuzzy friends keep us so connected and current, tonight's speed game is all about animal slang. comedians, crack open your urban dictionary, rev up your purring, and give me as many animal-inspired slang terms as
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you can. examples may include "squid goals" and "yo llama's so fat" let's begin. >> netflix and chinchilla. >> damn spangle, the floppy ears. >> [beep] chris: logan. >> turn down the musk. chris: vitaly. >> on the way to steal your gorilla. >> chris: brittany. >> you go, squirrel. chris: brittany. >> crawl back thursday. >> slide into your deer. chris: brittany. >> no bunny no problem. chris: brittany. >> eyebrows on squeak. >> i yo glasses. chris: that's the end of fly as well. logan paul, you're in third place. we must eliminate you. unfortunately. >> oh ... chris: logan paul, do you have any last words before we send you off into space?
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>> ya, i maybe eliminated here but if you want to see more of me check out "foursome." youtube red. >> chris: that means it's time to give zero ducks, it's for the win! "duck dynasty" daddy duck phil robertson recently led a controversial opening prayer at a nascar race. let's take a li'l listen to that heartfelt beseeching of god. jack? >> we got here bibles and guns. i'm fixed to play to the one who made that possible. i pray, father, we put a jesus man in the white house. >> chris: a jesus man? >> alright. chris: part jesus, part man. jesus man. what happens when a young student is bitten by a radioactive jesus and gains the
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power of ten saf saviors. jesus man. would you think he would want a duck in the white house or someone with experience getting bills through congress. i know, i know. i'm mad about the pun as well. we're on the same page. comedians, while i go to hell for that. i want to you write a prayer for a nascar event. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause] ♪ the gravity here is too strong for my ship. looks like you'll have to spend the night. yeah... the night. ♪
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(sfx: record scratch) one thing led to another and... i don't think that's how they're made. klondike hooks up with your favorite flavors to bring you... the best ice cream bars ever conceived.
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♪horses) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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bees not included.m's! new coffee nut m&m's! they won't make you shake. new chili nut m&m's! mouth will not catch fire. try 'm' all and vote for your favorite! [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. is before the break, i showed you a clip of duck dynasty's main duckhead delivering the prayer at a nascar race and i asked you to give me a prayer you would expect to hear there. let's see what you prayed. first one,, dear god, please make a couple of cars explode into turn four, send a wheel
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into b6 and b27 where my ex-wife rhonda and her new husband are sitting. [cheers and applause] >> chris: let us pray. or ... dear god, cast down the evil gaze trying to end the sanctity of marriage and bless me and my fourth wife on this beautiful nascar day and free refills on big tkpwuflz forever. number two? brittany furlan! >> chris: we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be arden myrin, lamorne morris and carrot top. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #oneletteroffrestaurants and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. good night! [cheers and applause]
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( cheers and applause ) hey, guys. welcome to "not safe." uh, okay, we all have regrets, right? one of mine was i waxed my own puss-puss once, and also the fact that i just used the word "puss-puss," that... [ laughter ] i do regret that. but i did wax my own vagina once. it's because i wanted to get a brazilian wax. i actually went into a place and was like, "hey, can i get the brazilian?" they were like, "ma'am, this is supercuts." so i did have to leave. [ laughter ]


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