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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 13, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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i'll to one tomorrow night. i promise! i promise! good nightly, everyone. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on x hamster! don't pretend like i don't know what it is. north carolina has been seeing a much deserved is that a website forget hamsters. no. you know what it is. north carolina has been seeing a much-deserved backlash over their incredibly (/ bleep/ ) new anti-l.g.b.t. law. bruce springsteen and bryan
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pay pal has stopped business there and now unthinkable has happened: porn site x hamster has blocked its sweet, sweet videos for the entire state! x hamster is of course the site where all the sex takes place on a pile of shredded, urine-soaked newspaper, and all the performers have nuts in their cheeks. [ applause ] >> chris: stop it. don't support. that. [ applause ] >> chris: you are just going to make me do it more. the site's founder says that north carolinians have searched the site for the word "trans sexual" 400,000 times and the word "gay" over 300,000 times in march alone, which suggests they're saying one thing with their mouths and doing something completely different with their right hands. no, honey i was searching for clay porn, i don't know. comedians, if other porn sites follow suit and restrict access, what can the residents of north carolina crank or flick it to? arden myrin, go. >> deliverance. [laughing]
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>> chris: yes. lamorne morris. >> they can go back to jerking off to the memory of slavery. >> chris: always uplifting. [beep] [laughing] >> chris: all of the white people are like, are we suppose to laugh now. is it more racist to laugh or not laugh. what are we doing. carrot top. >> i would say two big jugs of sweet tea. >> chris: two big jugs. [cheers and applause] >> chris: two delicious -- >> sorry about that. chris: so good. it's time to start "@midnight." [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is tag team tuesday. as represented here. [cheers and applause]
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tonight's comedians are playig for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. tonight's comedians are: performing at hyena's comedy nightclub in dallas april 14 through 16, it's arden myrin. [cheers and applause] >> chris: from "barbershop: the next cut" in theaters friday & "new girl," tuesdays on fox, it's lamorne morris. [cheers and applause] >> chris: celebrating his tenth year in residency at the luxor las vegas, it's carrot top. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. chris: okay. let's see who you are playing for. arden, you are playing for @megs813. lamorne, you are playing for @thespangdangler. carrot top, you are playing for @mitchellbader. won the captain american award.
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okay. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. >> chris: here again rating numeration what millennials are on this very day. first up rock diesel. vin diesel -- i'm kidding. he's a nice man, i'm teasing. they're both nice men larger that be i am. singing with a church choir. well this happened. this happened. ♪ [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> got to give them credit.
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"2 flat 2 furious." but seriously, i loved "the last pitch hunter." this actuall >> chris: i think vin diesel just walked by a church and walked in. he's vin diesel let him stand there. musical number vin diesel can sing? lamorne. >> ebony and ivory is my ethnicity. [cheers and applause] >> chris: shout out. next up, this video making rounds everyone is hearing about it's a guy walking down the street minding his own business. we have all been there. here is the tricky mart. something happens, what happens? he gets dropped kicked by a monkey or pooped on by a elephant. arden. >> dropped kick by a morningy. chris: let's find out. he's walking.
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yes. [cheers and applause] >> chris: kick and out. >> yes. chris: that is it! that was the targeted path. the monkey just like he [beep] off. right as soon as he -- >> so pissed. >> that monkey is an asshole man. public nuisance. >> chris: some monkeys are just assholes. >> coming after you vin diesel. hris: next up, saddam hussein released information former commander of iraq, commander burt reynolds here thought of banning the phrase pokemon because it sounds too much like i'm a jew. true story. here is the decree. this has been around more asian girls. [laughing] >> chris: would you think saddam would be more sympathetic to
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japanese gaming characters. he looked like super mario operating a fruit stand. we have learned saddam was a major killjoy. what is another childhood phenomenon he would band and why? lamorne. >> nintendo. well mario and luigi we know their [beep]. >> chris: points. me, mario. arden. >> he banned barbie she was a woman a lew allowed to drive. >> chris: points. carrot top. >> i would say if you asked him now today it would be hang man. i don't think woe like that. >> chris: points. yes, today. >> years ago -- chris: now. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of rapid refresh. it's time for the #hashtagwars.
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[cheers and applause] we've got a bonafide las vegas celebrity with us here tonight in los angeles, the center of the movie world. the two cities where you're most likely to see a crying man in a shiny shirt, and even more likely to find out that guy used to be in moötley cruüe. so we're gonna smash these two -- should of seen the video with nick cage a mazing. so we're smashing these two together cities together with tonight's hashtag: #vegasmovies. examples: "all you can eat pray love" and "carrot top gun." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now! lamorne. >> gangs of new york new york. chris: points. carrot top. >> my big fat hooker wedding. chris: arden. >> pinker taylor stripper died. chris: points. arden. >> fat mandalay bay versus supermandalay bay. >> chris: lamorne. >> one million ways to die in a
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best western. >> nice. the 7stds. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: arden. >> honky i shrunk the retirement account. >> chris: points. and i lost the kids. [ applause ] >> chris: i don't know where they are. lamorne. >> 12 years of recovering alcoholics. >> chris: yes. >> whiskey tango [beep] i'm out of money. >> chris: that was the end of #hashtagwars. send us your #vegasmovies and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag. war was sent to us by @jessebarfieldpi. well done!
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(sound of vehicle approaching) winter feels way too short in the capable fiat 500x crossover, with 70 standard and available safety features... ...available all-wheel drive, and the highest possible iihs safety rating in its class. hey! jofor their wedding one searching place oh! yurt. yes! earthy... just rustic. [laughing] oh my gosh. wow. [owl howling] [gulp] uh, how about an island? island, yeah. yeah. yeah. [laughing] were you laughing in your fantasy? yeah! me, too. [gasps]
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play vine-h.s. [cheers and applause] back before we had tiny screens in our pockets with instant access to centuries worth of pornography and cat videos, we watched movies on v.h.s. cassettes. that's what that looked like. be kind rewind. they only had room for one
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movie! and even less if your dad taped over half of it with an episode of "baywatch nights." well, thanks to vine accounts like "grimy ghost" and "it came from the v.c.r.", we can revisit the most bizarre things ever recorded. comedians, i am going to show you a weird clip from an old v.h.s. and for 250 points i want you to tell me what the next line of dialogue is. first, this posh nan who appears to be giving us t.m.i.: >> oh p something -- >> yes. chris: lamorne. >> are you trying to dust off this kitty or what. >> chris: points. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: next up these party animals. these party animals >> welcome to asthma jams. the music show for cool kids with asthma. shake shake shake that medicine. >> chris: carrot top. >> playing all the hits like call 911 and [beep] i can't [beep] breath. >> chris: yes all of the hits. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: next up this fitness enthusiast. >> hi, i'm richard simmons, and this is the law. hi! >> chris: lamorne. >> i'm not black but i would like to see the police unload on me. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next up this monster mash. >> got him. take that you dinosaur. >> chris: wow. take that. >> lamorne. >> as the dinosaur, hey man you just said dinosaur with a hard "er" on the end. >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: arden. >> by the way, colonel, this ship is not the only thing filled this evening.
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>> chris: points, points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: points. do you think that's what he meant by take that you filthy dinosaur. >> yes. your neck smells terrific. [laughing] >> -- in charge. chris: arden, take us there in the scene. you really plunged into that. [laughing] >> chris: alright. come back. >> i'm sorry. chris: next up this helpful safety tip. >> ask the child if or she is choking. >> are you choking? are you choking? >> chris: this little asshole won't tell me if he's choking or not. i won't help you. ya [beep] you. how about that. be that way. carrot top. >> tell me who is [beep] your mom! [ applause ] [cheers and applause] >> chris: points.
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arden. >> who bought your dumb jeans. [laughing] >> chris: what a weird taunt for a kid. who bought your dumb jeans. [beep] points. next up this reckless puppet. >> here is joe jumping into the water not looking for danger. he hit his head on a log. >> chris: lamorne. >> quick someone call will smith and his terrible accent. >> chris: points. points. arden. >> feels better than aquaman. chris: o *epl oh, people are not okay with. that don't you be talking about [beep] aquaman. >> chris: that's the end of vine-h.s.
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they set up a number to you to call the swedish number. take a look. ♪ >> chris: what? ya, that's right pick up the phone and ask any random skarsgaård about the northern lights, meatballs, or suicide rates! because nothing makes you want to visit sweden more than finding out the best fjord to drown yourself in. comedians, after hearing all the cool stuff you can talk about with swedes, i want you to tell me what you'd hear if you called the american number. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! usa! [cheers and applause]
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hey, can we get some beers? beer! ice cold beer! what beer? ummmm... redd's apple ale! i'll take one too. me too! hey! redd's apple ale! redd's apple ale. crisp like an apple. brewed like a beer.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break we learned that sweden now has their own phone number to finally get those confusing ikea instructions translated. i asked you to tell me what you might hear when you call the america number. let's dial it in! carrot top, let's start with
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you. >> alright. you have reached america, before we get started i would like to apologize for the senseless wars, the kardashian, the republican party, the democratic party, and of course carrot top. i'm very sorry, so sorry. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> thank you. >. chris: arden. >> thank you for calling america, we can't come to the phone right now. we're morbidly obese and the phone is way over there. if you want to start a war press one or to talk to emperor trump stay on the line. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. lamorne. >> hey, hey, you have reached america. adam and eve not adam and steve you son of a bitch. the guy wanted that way he would of wanted guys doing this he would of made them that way. instead he has a thing there for babies to come out of.
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[cheers and applause] >> leave your message. chris: is this still recording! alright. a thousand points to la more. 500 carrot top, 250 arden. let's go to better book titles. a favorite on-line local is better book titles. getting fitting titles like last minute graduation gift and too long. and since better book titles is about to release its very own book, "never flirt with puppy killers: and other better book titles," we figured we'd celebrate by doing some of our own. comedians, in this game i will show you a classic book and the first person to buzz in will have to give me a better title for it. first up, harry potter. arden. >> porn for chris hardwick. [cheers and applause] >> chris: so good. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: points for. that accurate representation for that. next up the holy bible. lamorne. >> [beep] god said. [laughing] >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next, the cat in the hat. arden. >> the fish is a buzz kill. chris: points. [beep] everyone. >> [beep] everyone. chris: next up eat, pray love. >> gweneth paltrow the book. chris: very good, very good. next up, dianetics. >> tyler perry, i can do crazy all by myself. >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next, the giving tree. >> the feel good book that makes kids feel like [beep]. >> chris: points. points. >> chris: finally, 50 shades of grey.
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lamorne. >> [beep] why are these pages stuck together. >> chris: it could of been anything. anything. >> chris: that's the end of better book titles. carrot top, you're in third place. any last words before se see eliminate you. >> ya go [beep] yourself. chris: okay. [cheers and applause] >> i look better in this light. >> chris: that means it's time to get by with a little help from my fronds, it's for the win! [cheers and applause] >> chris: so, some castaways were recently rescued from a desert island after leaving a message that was seen by a passing plane! hopefully before they had to drink their own pee. anyway, the group was stranded for a few days 2,600 miles southwest of honolulu on faradick island. faradick island, you guys! when they came up with an idea so crazy it had to work, spelling out "help" on the beach in palm fronds. there they go.
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they could have used sea anemones to form words, but with fronds like that, who needs anemones? [cheers and applause] >> chris: ya. [laughing] >> chris: ya! oh ... my god i feel like a brain just took a side ways [beep] out of my head. anyways it's hard to believe some people have land lines. comedians, i want you to spell out something on the beach that might get you rescued. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause] back by popular demand! outback's steak & lobster starting at $14.99 we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause] for a limited time, we're searing up america's boldest steaks, with classic steamed lobster, or old bay butter lobster. steak & lobster starting at just $14.99? it's dinnertime at outback.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. remember, you're also playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break i told you about three lucky sailors who were rescued from a deserted island after writing "help "in palm fronds, saving them from a horrible fate of drinking coconut milk in paradise. i asked you to write a message on the beach with your pal fronds. let's see what you came up with. first one ... hurry up before i eat steve. [ applause ] >> chris: i think that's steve. >> steve. chris: i think that's steve he's about to get eaten. or ...
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stop shorty, i got the good d. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: who is number two? lamorne morris won the internet. you have been saved. [cheers and applause] >> chris: we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be lucia aniello, paul downs and ilana glazer. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #vegasmovies and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. goodnight! see you tomorrow. - "this is not happening" is rated tvma and is intended only for mature audiences. viewer discretion is advised. tonight, we'll be telling true stories about karma. he's making mucho dinero. arriba, arriba, andale. ow, [bleep]. [dark electronic music] ♪


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