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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 14, 2016 2:40am-3:11am PDT

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♪ ♪ only those who dare drive the world forward. introducing the first-ever cadillac ct6. or you can spend it on this. you could spend your dollar on this. this? or this. this? or any of these ten delicious items on taco bell's new $1 morning value menu. it's not even fair. [sfx: bong]
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do you have the courage to stay up all night? because this is our time! the greatest tv week of our lives! ladies and gentlemen, in the business of binge-watching, sleep is for the week! so i want you ready to order takeout, every single night! now are you with me? to awesomeness! to watchathon!! big is back. xfinity watchathon week starts april 18. the greatest collection of shows free with xfinity on demand. >> larry: we're out of time. thank you to my guest, bernie sanders. goodnightly, everyone! [ cheers and applause ] al
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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this is happening to buzzfeed right now! buzzfeed is losing so much money they can't even! can't even meet their financial projections that is. the millennial news club has reportedly cut its projected earnings in half, from $500 million to only $250.000000. which is barely enough to buy everybody meundies with the word "buzzfeed" bedazzled on the front in swarovsky crystals for the christmas party, you guys. i think a 250mil is a ton of [beep] for making lists. they're fun and clever, and they have the clickbaitiest headlines of all the clickerbaiters, but this is a setup too delicious to pass up. so, comedians, what's a buzzfeed headline we can expect to see about buzzfeed's financial woes? lucia. >> we checked in with hr you
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won't believe how many employees we have to fire. >> chris: okay. paul downs. >> want to feel old, too bad we don't have enough money to write the list. >> chris: ilana. >> 12corgies with a higher rate than you. >> chris: it's time for @midnight! welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight we have the creative team and stars from "time traveling bong." the three-part special premieres april 20 at 10:30 following the season three finale of "broad city" on comedy central. [cheers and applause] >> chris: the director and co-writer, it's lucia aniello. [cheers and applause] >> chris: co-stars of "time traveling bong," it's paul downs... and ilana glazer. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: i'm sure you know ilana from "broad city." we had to do a presentation for advertisers. a bunch of comedy central talent was there. abby and ilana came out on stae and disrobed into these outfits. my favorite ever. this body suit. this nudity here on stage. very natural, i would say, ilana. >> yes we did appropriate hair. these ladies are hairy. >> those are some dark nipples. >> dark ass nipples with double rihanna nipple rings. >> chris: nice. thank you, all. [ applause ] >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." here are the trendsetters and
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the hip-hoppers and the whoosy-whatsies of the wiggity-wiggity-web. first up is "swiper no vaping!" this week brought us one of the six or seven biggest scandals ever to rock the world of bilingual animated television for preschoolers. the actress who voices "dora the explorer" was recently suspended from school for vaping caramel-flavored water. now -- oh. ya, she was hugging on that have a monkey. if this behavior keeps up, next season dora will be pregnant and strung out in a juggalo trailer park. as seen here. [ applause ] "where is the faygo? donde esta el faygo?" quick help me find black tar heroine so i can kill the devils in my brain.
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vamanos. comedians, if this is a trend, what's the next scandal we can expect from a beloved children's character? paul. >> burt kills earnie then himself. >> chris: murder/suicide of burt and earnie. ilana. >> codeine has been keeping the grimace purple all of these years. >> chris: points. lucia. >> sponge bob and mr. krabs implicated in the panama papers. >> chris: points. >> chris: next, "nerd suit." being a nerd is hard work! don't ask me i'm a fake geek girl. >> that's funny. there's comics to read, games to play, movies to watch, people with bad opinions online to argue with, and now, suits to buy! opposuits just introduced a pac-man suit. a lot of people tweeted me this suit here. this looks like a suit that people would wear to my funeral.
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i knew this would be on brand for me. as a 44-year-old man about to get married i think a head to toe pack man suit is too much for me in my life. maybe i won't do that. maybe there are better things for me to do than wear pack man suits. but what is another gaming-inspired fashion trend on the horizon. paul. >> two pairs of pants over each other pants pants revolution i. >> chris: absolutely. lucia. >> super mario cardigan. chris: points. ilana. >> sonic the wedge hog. chris: perfect. next up drink up. kids are like human cat videos; at any given time, they're doing something funny. they're always cute, always learning, and always sticky. so sticky. this little guy right here is no
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different. he's adorable and he's thirsty, so there's only one question that needs to be asked: does he know how to drink soda? s or no? >> no, no he doesn't know how to drink soda. >> chris: let's find out. [ applause ] >> chris: let's up the asshole sleeve together. >> no. [ applause ] >> that was awesome. chris: i will say the one thing that unites cultures is kids everywhere are dumb. in his defense he was pretty drunk. [laughing] and now it's time for tonight's
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"#hashtagwars." [cheers and applause] tonight, we've got the cast of "time traveling bong," a show that reminds us that science fiction and marijuana are a match made in heaven. [cheers and applause] or at least, a match made in e alley behind a colorado gamestop. that's why we're going to puff puff pass to the future with tonight's hashtag, #stonerscifi. examples might be bong water world and the day the -- stood still on the couch. >> chill max. hris: points. paul. >> the force awakens around noon. >> chris: points. ilana. >> rad max. chris: points. paul. >> donny danko. chris: points. ilana. >> last one, mad max blurry
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road. >> chris: yes, points. paul. >> man in the white castle. chris: points. lucia. >> indicaseption. chris: points. paul. >> dr. who is ordering pizza. chris: ilana. >> planet of the have as. chris: ilana. >> blunt runner. chris: perfect. lucia. >> are you a time cop you have to tell me if you're a time cop. >> chris: i love. that points. that's the end of #hashtagwars. for more tune in during the break for a special preview of time traveling bong on comedy central of course 420. our winner from last night's our winner from last night's hashtag war was sent to us
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do you have the courage to stay up all night? because this is our time! the greatest tv week of our lives! ladies and gentlemen, in the business of binge-watching, sleep is for the week! so i want you ready to order takeout, every single night! now are you with me? to awesomeness! to watchathon!! big is back. xfinity watchathon week starts april 18. the greatest collection of shows free with xfinity on demand.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. why yes, i did actually buy this pac-man suit. sorry if it's hard to hear me over your screaming genitalia. ladies and gentlemen, this arcade is closed! i know what i said before. the truth is i bought this [beep] thing the second it can came available. here it is. it's amazing. [cheers and applause] it's time to play [beep] lames. for every big-budget video game that looks like a blockbuster movie, there are hundreds of bizarre little games hidden in the internet's darkest what-the-( bleep ) corners. comedians, for 250 points, i'm going to show you a totally real game, and you're going to have to answer a question about it.
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>> chris: next up, thrill to the excitement of "farming simulator!" oh, ya: ya. what are some of the secret missions you can unlock on this game? paul. >> [beep] that sheep. [laughing] >> chris: yes. [laughing] lucia. >> lose your virginity to a flirty corn cob that was begging for it. [ applause ] >> chris: wait so you bore out a hole -- >> you know. chris: you put in the -- >> wherever you can fit it. chris: so you take the and you put it in the, ya. >> yaaaaa >> chris: now that virtual reality technology is finally here and we've mastered the form, we've used it to make this, something that is less a
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game and more a "vr mind. ( bleep )": "butts: the vr experience." [cheers and applause] >> chris: lovely. [laughing] >> chris: what's a line from the creator's ted talk? >> open your minds and then open your butts. >> chris: points, points. lucia. >> it might look bad but it sounds amazing in surround sound. >> chris: points. points. yes. ilana. >> i wanted to make a game about
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assholes in the dessert but burning man was already taken! >> chris: points. >> take that burning man. chris: take that. >> burning man! chris: so you're upset about that. how do you feel about this realistic pregnancy simulator? >> sick. chris: that's pretty much how it works. a baby is pulled out of you as you slightly wince. what's the boss to defeat in this game. >> either roe or wade. chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: finally, the super-realistic horse racing action of "japan world cup"!
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[beep] [laughing] >> chris: i had no idea my new favorite thing would be a horse and a tire. here we are. comedians my question to you is what the [beep]? ilana. >> i'm looking for the sequel, super mario glue party. >> chris: points. lucia. >> i know it's so rude that those animated horse sticks aren't to size. >> chris: the least they could do. >> how many are there. chris: it's not a good representation of horse dicks. i'm glad someone was brave enough to stand up to that. that's the end of [beep] lames.
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it's time for "hey authority." >> chris: "video game noises." i'm sorry i forgot we were doing a show. millionaire crumb kid rock is a real rebel. on tuesday he took time off from buying john pauper's at to tweet a pick with the caption "hey, authority." oh, hell, yeah, kid rock doesn't give a ( bleep ) about state court d! but he also cares about them enough to delicately blur the judge's name! comedians, i want you to send your own picture message to authority. letting them know what's up. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! more @midnight! [cheers and applause]
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you won't see these folks at the post office. more @midnight! [cheers and applause] they have businesses to run. they have passions to pursue. how do they avoid trips to the post office? stamps.com mail letters, ship packages, all the services of the post office right on your computer. get a 4 week trial, plus $100 in extras including postage and a digital scale. go to stamps.com/tv and never go to the post office again.
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and oucomes... papa john??? of the bullpen. it looks like he's taking this official pizza thing pretty seriously. for just 6.99 each get two medium two-topping pizzas. papa john's - the official pizza of major league baseball. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you kid rock giving the finger to the man, and i asked you to deliver your own "( bleep ) you" to the man. let's see what you came up with. paul, let's start with you. [laughing] >> chris: nice. hey -- [laughing] >> i didn't, i didn't mean to tweet that one. >> chris: oh, ya. >> i didn't mean to -- chris: nice job, paul. >> thank you. >> turn cutter. >> i never heard that -- turd cutter. >> oh, that's gross. >> turd cutter. >> don't [beep] in your thong. take it off. >> chris: ya. >> you can move it and [beep] >> you don't slice them. chris: no. [laughing] >> chris: slice them. >> that's a sharp -- [beep]
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chris: no, this turns you into a logging camp. >> to. chris: lucia. >> ya. [laughing] >> oh. [laughing] [ applause ] >> i feel that. chris: ilana. [laughing] >> chris: whoa. >> i'm a rule breaker. a rule breaker. >> chris: good lips. i will give a thousand points to paul. 500 to ilana and lucia. [ applause ] >> chris: it's time for, "sex, lies and trivia." for the couple who has everything except the fundamental desire to talk to each other, there's a new app called "happy couple." this let's people create digital quizzes for their partners with questions like "how does craig keep organized?" and "what's jessica's favorite tv show?" so it asks questions you should
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of covered in person. i would like you to give me as horrible happy couple answers as you can in 60 seconds. >> how much is your life insurance policy worth again. >> chris: points. lucia. >> is it in yet. [laughing] >> chris: ilana. >> how long are we going to do this? >> chris: points. paul. >> what sex acts do our pets most enjoy watching. >> chris: points. ilana. >> you don't need to have children do you. >> chris: lucia. >> why is pizza hut sending you photos of titties at 12:00 a.m. >> what does my wife want for her 17th birthday. >> when will you let me leave this bunker. >> what should i eat for din tore give my wife the perfect dutch oven. [laughing] >> you know i am his girlfriend, right.
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[laughing] >> i know exactly -- chris: what is it? >> cabbage, baby. >> or cashews. chris: that's a thing you do. she knew the answer. you would pass the happy couples quiz. >> she loves my farts. chris: ilana. >> why did we start using condoms again after you went to vegas. >> chris: for a couple of people that was too real. >> i got one. >> sorry, y'all. chris: paul. >> if you can be any animal why don't we have sex anymore. >> chris: points. perfect. >> that's funny. chris: you know what, because time traveling bong is your show. i'm not eliminating anyone. you're all going for the win. i can't break it up. >> no. chris: i'm sure lucia would
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like to get a break from paul's farts. >> chris: that means it's time to study high-story. it's "for the win!" i'm sure you have all been stoned during history class, but what if we could be high during actual history? not me. what if you could be high during actual history [beep]. whoa, man! and since our panel is from "time traveling bong" and we already explored the future in our hashtag and the present with our right now, tonight's "f.t.w." delves into the past! comedians, please give me a stoned tweet from a famous historical event. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause]
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it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your score clean pac man style. it comes down to this. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i asked our comedians to write a stoned tweet from the past, because when people talk about the fog of history, they usually mean bong smoke. let's see what you wrote. first up. @emiliaairheart. you up. [ applause ] >> chris: number two ... dude, is it one up by land, two up by sea. dude, i forget. bra, i have to take a nap. [ applause ] >> chris: number 3:@hitler chilllll. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: who is number three? ilana glazer. she's the funniest person for the next 23 and a half hours

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