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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  April 15, 2016 9:17am-9:50am PDT

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(audience chanting larry) >> larry: i'm not running for anything. i am larry wilmore. you're too kind. i have bassem youssef on the show tonight, you guys (cheers and applause) i'm very excited about that. this is a funny and brave man. let me tell you. first things first, i need to get serious for a second. we make a lot of jokes on this show, but there's an issue that i feel deserves some real attention, and it's not easy to talk about, but brace yourselves: ted cruz hates dildos. yeah, i said it. as mother jones dug up earlier this week, in 2004, ted cruz fought to preserve a law that banned the sale of dildos in texas. i know, i'm not making h this up. i agree with you. i wish i was. this really gets me, you guys, because it's just such a shame to see dildos persecuted and
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marginalized by one of their own. (laughter) (cheers and applause) right? yes! this is what i'm saying! you understand me! i'd expect more from one of our most prominent human dildos, and i just think dildo-americans should be standing up for other dildos. is all i'm saying here. but i guess back in 2004, cruz was just another self-hating dildo. i'm sorry, you're right -- this comparison is totally unfair. dildos have actually pleasured women. (cheers and applause) man! man! i can't get over this, a brief that cruz wrote said using sex toys was like "hiring a willing prostitute." i know what you're thinking, "willing prostitute?
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that's a strange choice of words." well, it's actually a legal distinction. under the haw, there are "willing prostitutes," which means they engage in sex work of their own volition, and "unwilling prostitutes," which probably means they just got hired by ted cruz. that's the distinction. that's how you separate that. i am not making this up, guys. cruz also wrote, "there is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one's genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship." this is a guy who defends this falk symbol but thinks the problem is this phallic symbol. which means he thinks we should live in society where it should be easier to off women than to
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get women off. yeah, i went there. that's where i went. (applause) now, ted cruz went on to lose this case, and it's now legal to sell dildos in texas, which makes me happy as texas' largest dildo supplier. (laughter) it's my side gig, guys. i'm on basic cable. brother's got to have a side gig, right? this story makes me so happy. now, my favorite thing about this story is a tweet from screenwriter and ted cruz's college roommate, craig mazin. "ted cruz thinks people don't have a right to stimulate their genitals. i was his college roommate. this would be a new belief of his." (cheers and applause) very nice. that's some good writein' there. (laughter) on the one hand, that is awesome. on the other hand, now i'm thinking about ted cruz masturbating and i need to throw
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myself in front of a bus. okay, moving on to our main story. bono, once again on tv but not playing music, was talking terror at a senate hearing the other day. >> rock star bono says laughter may be the answer to defeating i.s.i.s. the u2 singer told a senate hearing yesterday the u.s. should consider using a-list comedians to combat the terror group. >> larry: wait, what? send comedians to combat terror? i'm not doing that! >> you speak violence, you speak their language. but you laugh at them when they're goose stepping down the street and it takes away their power. so i'm -- i'm suggesting that the senate send in amy schumer and chris rock and sacha baron cohen. >> larry: thank you, senators. while i'm intrigued by the
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junior senator from u2's proposal, on behalf of those comedians, i'd like to suggest we send musicians off to battle the terrorists. i mean, seriously, bono, first you sneak that album on to my itunes and now this? i mean, what the (bleep)? i yield the remainder of my time to the entire dave matthews band, thank you. i wanted to get another comedian's take on this, so please welcome very funny man gilbert gottfried. (cheers and applause) >> hi-ya, larry. >> larry: wait, gilbert, where are you? >> i'm in war-torn syria, larry. ready for action. >> larry: uh, i don't know if bono literally meant to send comedians. i think he may have been speaking metaphorically about the power of satire. >> that's not what i heard,
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larry. when bono issues a call to action, i answer. >> larry: okay. (applause) >> larry: all right. i mean, it's a little extreme. >> and besides, the whole reason i got into comedy was so that i could one day do battle with the world's most brutal killers. >> larry: okay. all right. that wasn't my reason, but i understand. well, gilbert, it seems unlikely that jokes can defeat savage killers. you know? >> then allow me to demonstrate. >> larry: okay. >> if your friend asks you to give him a hand and you have three of them in your pocket,
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you just might be a terrorist. (laughter) >> larry: look, gilbert foxworthy, i really don't think this will work against people with guns and explosives. >> fine, then let me give you the joke i used to kill osama - >> larry: really? i didn't know you did that. >> how many jihadists does it take to screw in a light bulb? none, you live in caves! (applause) (cheers and applause) >> larry: you're telling me that killed osama? >> sure did. hey, larry, what do lawyers wear to court? >> larry: i don't know. what? >> lawsuits! ha ha. >> larry: what is -- i don't know even know what that means! >> i'm getting word that because
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of that joke, the i.s.i.s. stronghold of raqqa has just fallen to the u.s.-led coalition. >> larry: i don't think that's true. (cheers and applause) no, no! i don't think that's true! look, look, gilbert, i appreciate your effort, but you don't really believe in this, right? seriously... >> hey, i.s.i.s. -- >> larry: i guess you do. >> -- yo momma so fat she can destroy hundreds of ancient artifacts just by sitting down. try recovering from that, i.s.i.s. >> larry: okay, that's plenty. gilbert gottfried, everyone. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ amy thinks you have to be super smart to not mess up your tax refund. so we flew in super smart mathematician, maria chudnovsky, to help her. i have a lot of student loan debt. can i deduct my interest?
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♪ ooooh oooh. ♪ every little thing. case in point: our handcrafted at skydiving chamber.lways down for more...oh. refueling! be hungry for more. just never be hungry. with premium pepperoni and 100% real cheese... ding! hot pockets! (cheers and applause) >> larry: okay, welcome back! so ice cube and common are in the new "barbershop" movie and i wanted to talk to them, and i was thinking, where should we do the interview? like a malt shop? or a tool-and-die shop? and then it hit me, a coffee
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shop. well, we couldn't find one, so we settled for a barbershop, and i thought we would have a real conversation about race and some of the issues in the community. ♪ >> hey, everybody. i'm here at little tony's and eat and be good barbershop with co-stars of "barbershop." >> it's "barbershop: the next cut." >> i don't know what the hours are at the barbershop. why do you think the barbershop means so much in the black community? >> it's our own country club. it's the only place you can go and get that fellowship and camaraderie. >> people is going to give it to you wrong. it's authentic in the barbershop. >> larry: it's authentic, right? >> yeah. >> larry: now, race is talked a lot in barbershops. where do you think we are on the attitude scale? a lot of attitude, middle
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attitude -- >> i think they should have the same amount of attitude. the days on the calendar change, but, you know, our situation is not changing as a people on a whole lot of levels. >> larry: why do you think that is? what's going on? people thought when obama came in, racism was over, you know. >> well, i think somehow we had a hope that it was just going to stop. he obviously is doing everything he can, but it still can't change the minds of deep-rooted racism that's been in the system for so long and people feel that, though you have obamas, you have the jay-zs and beyonces and successful people, you know, still people that we connected to that still have issues. >> just because you're successful, you shouldn't forget there are issues that exist. >> and look what we're successful in, sports and entertainment. >> yeah. like chris rock said, you know, i'm a big-time, world-wide
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comedian, and the guy that lives next door to me is a white dentist. why couldn't i just be a dentist and make it to this neighborhood? i had to be a big-time celebrity to get here. >> larry: seriously you don't want to go to a black dentist, let's be honest. >> of course you do. but what i'm sayin' -- ♪ >> larry: i want to talk about the black community and some of the issues that they're facing. in the last years, some have come up more than others. a lot of people pit gang violence, what's happening in the community, versus police violence. >> yeah. >> larry: people make this comparison all the time, you know. >> yeah. >> larry: why do you think people feel the need to do that? >> you know, i think it's likely kind of ridiculous to compare apples and oranges like that. citizen on citizen crime is totally different than government on citizen crime. >> larry: that's a criminal's job is to commit crime.
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that's his job. (laughter) it's just showing up for work. >> yeah. >> larry: so you guys are not doing your job. the criminals are doing their job. >> protect and break a (bleep) neck. >> the police feel like it's an us against them mentality, you know, and they always talk about no snitchin', you know. why won't they tell us when it's a crime committed in the hood? these people are never going to speak and say nothing when ce ask, who did it. there'so a no snitchin' policy in the hood and in the precinct, too. >> that's exactly right. when they see their fellow officers doing something wrong, they don't snitch, they don't tell, they keep it to themselves. so how they expect us to not have a no snitching policy in the neighborhood when they've got a no snitching policy in the department. >> larry: maybe we could all
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come together and say there are no snitches. a no-niche outreach program. >> without a doubt. >> larry: what was it like working with nicky m nicki mina. describe nikki minaj in 750 words. >> i mean, great. (laughter) >> thank you, man. >> larry: thanks again to common and ice cube for sitting down with me. and go see "barbershop: the next cut." we'll be right back. (cheers and applause 5-hour energy® presents... why are you so tired? ahh, the "after lunch food coma." we've all been there. you had planned on ordering the salad, but the pasta and fries looked so good. now, you're trying to find a place to catch a few zzzs... without the boss catching you. next time, grab a great tasting 5-hour energy® shot. it'll help you stay alert and productive... no matter what's on the menu.
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m♪ >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "the nightly show" contributor ricky velez. (applause) "the nightly show" contributor jordan carlos. (applause) and he's an egyptian satirist who's been called "the jon stewart of egypt," his new documentary "tickling giants" is premiering at the tribeca festival on april 14th, bassem youssef. (applause)
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and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using #tonightly. okay. we talked about this earlier in the show. u2's lead singer bono was in front of the senate subcommittee this week. take a look. >> don't laugh. i think comedy should be deployed. so i'm suggesting that the senate send in amy schumer and chris rock and sacha baron cohen. (laughter) >> larry: i would have loved to have seen their faces when they got that news. (laughter) so basically he's saying if you want to fight terrorism send in the clowns. thoughts? >> allow me. when america (bleep) up in the least, they send someone. first troops, doesn't work, now comedians. we have comedians in the middle east and comedians in america. but they don't get the chance. you go with amy schumer and
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sacha baron cohen. i say #middle eastsowhat. come on. >> larry: i agree. here's the problem, you guys are supporting the same exact military fascist government that are taking and persecuting comedians in the middle east. >> larry: yeah. and we said other stuff other than we have to support this and that. no, military regimes do not stabilize the region, they just delay it and actually allow for more terrorism and more fanaticism and religious fascism and when it comes it gets worse. so stop doing that. >> larry: i agree with that. (applause) >> you said "we." bono's not from here. (laughter) i don't want to take him on.
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why is he speaking to the -- i don't understand why we allow celebrities to go in front to have the senate with purple tented glasses on. bono, go back to being a rock star. what happened to rock stars used to do meth and heroin? >> i have a couple of notes for bono, too. these are some of my favorite comics. could we send carrot top or -- >> yeah! larry the cable guy, like, git erdone! >> larry: can sat fire make a difference in these times? can it make any kind of difference? is there any merit to what bono is saying? >> yeah, but he's using the wrong tools. you don't send bora to do our job. (laughter)
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the thing is, when you use satire, people start to think and don't give into their fear. this is the beauty of sarcasm and humor. >> larry: and those regimes are threatened by that. >> hitler, the first people that were evicted were the serialists and comedians. i don't know how they make comedy in german, but -- (laughter) >> larry: a lot of them came over here. people like billy wilder made his comedy here. >> mike nichols. >> larry: do you think you can be funny about terrorism in the united states? >> you have to be careful. you have to be safe no matter where you perform. we're going to send two jews and a black guy over to i.s.i.s.?! >> it wasn't a well thought out plan. >> larry: no, no, no. there is obviously other countries where you can make fun of i.s.i.s. you can do it in canada.
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and that's about it. (laughter) and we're good. but, you know what i'm saying? there is definitely rooms out there. >> larry: you actually said you felt trump is doing the work of i.s.i.s. what did you mean by that? >> if you look at the progression of i.s.i.s. and the progression of the right wing in america, it's the same. we started with, like, a fundamental religious group to al quaida and al quaida now looks like very nice compared to i.s.i.s. look at the right wing, george w. bush, the tea party, sarah palin, only logical to end up with trump. >> larry: i don't know if i'd go to sarah palin to i.s.i.s. i think you're giving sarah palin way too much credit. (laughter) >> i think trump being a racist and xenophobic, i feel quite at home. this is the middle east every sing daily. >> you're saying the feeling you had before you had to leave egypt is the same?
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you're feeling that? >> no, trump is just one person, but when you have the whole country with all its entities behind that person, it's a totally different thing. and it's not just morsi, but it's who came after. so it's the same thing, basically. so we as comedians have a hard time doing that, but it did make a difference, and i am very proud of what i did there because it actually inspired a lot of people to to their own show. >> larry: very brave. i give you a lot of credit for that. >> thank you. >> larry: if trump does become president, it would be kind of like a joke. >> yeah. >> larry: so maybe the joke can make people laugh -- >> yeah, make i.s.i.s. -- >> larry: no? not a good joke? >> i think it's terrible. >> larry: a bad joke to put on the world? >> a long way to go for a punch line. >> to keep it for another ten years. >> larry: we'll re-think that joke. be right back. >> if you live in the new york
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city area or are planning to visit, grab free tickets to "the nightly show" "the nightly show"! at our house, we're always down for more... case in point: our handcrafted skydiving chamber. refueling! be hungry for more. just never be hungry. with premium pepperoni and 100% real cheese... ding! hot pockets! ♪ ♪ ♪ can you say i love it? ♪ oh love it? ♪ can you say hey? ♪ hey! ♪ that's the spirit! oooooh.♪ ♪ ooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ sing sing, baby baby i love you. oh yes.♪
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♪ ooooh oooh. ♪ every little thing. ♪ ooooh oooh. are you eating lucky charms? no. this is a dream. they're magically delicious.
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super smart to not mess up your tax refund. so we flew in super smart mathematician, maria chudnovsky, to help her. i have a lot of student loan debt. can i deduct my interest? (beep) can amy deduct her student loan interest? in her case, yes. the amount goes right here. in your case, yes. the amount goes right here. thanks. intuit turbotax. taxes done smarter.
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do you have the courage to stay up all night? because this is our time! the greatest tv week of our lives! ladies and gentlemen, in the business of binge-watching, sleep is for the week! so i want you ready to order takeout, every single night! now are you with me? to awesomeness! to watchathon!! big is back. xfinity watchathon week starts april 18. the greatest collection of shows free with xfinity on demand. ♪ >> larry: thanks to my panelists, ricky velez, jordan carlos, and bassem youssef, and thanks to gilbert gottfried for being here. thanks for watching! >> yeah! (cheers and applause) ♪
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. i'm trevor noah. thank you so much. my guest tonight is from cnn's new show "united shades of america," w. kamau bell is joining us, people! ( cheers and applause ) but first, but first, we have to talk about last night. so many records set. obviously, steph curry leading the warriors to 73 wins. that was insane. well done, golden state. that was amazing. ( applause ) but, of course, for me, especially, the bigger news was the old man putting up crazy
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numbers. yeah, it's true, bernie sanders got 27,000 people in washington square park last night. ( applause ) no, but, seriously, but seriously, congrats to the momba. i don't know if you watched the game but kobe was amazing, 60 points. he took more shots than a chicago cop with no body cam. don't boo kobe, he's done. let's get into the show. so, democracy. it's what separates us from the apes and the russians. ( laughter ) the point is, from an early age, we're taught that democratic means one person, one vote, and the most votes wins. like, back when i ran for class president as a kid. the teacher said, "hands up, if you want trevor to be president." okay, now hands up if you want julia to be president." and she counted the votes and whoever got theost votes won. in this case it was julia. whatever. i'm happy for her. i thought my


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