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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 19, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds! this happened on facebook! last year, real-life wax figures johnny depp and amber heard-- committed a major blunder down under when they brought their two doggies into australia without declaring them to customs. australia has very strict laws about letting dogs into their country in case they're not dangerous enough, they have to be quarantined for ten days and then they intoxicate the dogs and outfit them with poisonous pwarbz, and protection. the depp-heards finally made nice with the land of plenty though by releasing an extremely natural and not-weird apology video on facebook: just a regular couple like you
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and me talking to a camera as themselves that they clearly love doing. let's see this video. >> a wonderful island with a treasure trove of unique plants and animals. >> it has to be protected. australia is unique. you disrespect australian law they will tell you. >> tproebgting australia is important. >> guard everything -- >> see just like you or me. just like us. this is how we would do this. total normal couple. what voice was he doing? was that sober keith richards? there is a sub reddit called no stupid questions. someone posted, what is going on with johnny depp and his daughter in australia? [laughing]
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>> chris: now hopefully the video drives home the's emergency that you have to declare everything to australia. so comedians, what do you declare to the land down under? >> chris: annan. >> i will show my blooming onion. >> chris: mr. flula. >> i was concerned that a cute surf instructor brody will steal my fiance. >> chris: okay, ben. >> i declare that's a not nice my dick is incredibly skinny. >> chris: i declare it's time to start "@midnight." [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. i'm your host and guyed.
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tonight's comedians are: performing at the improv in san jose may 15th, it's anna akana. [cheers and applause] you. >> may the best woman win. chris: may she win and prevail or man and german. [ applause ] >> chris: performing at the aladdin theater in portland april 22nd & the neptune theater in seattle april 23rd, it's flula borg. [ applause ] >> thank you. >> chris: host of "idiotest" tuesdays on g.s.n., with a special "political idiotest" airing wednesday april 20th, it's ben gleib. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." here is a carefully recorded inventory of the internet's stock room.
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"ghost in the hell no." last week the internet got its first look at the movie remake of anime favorite "ghost in the shell" and people can't stop talking about the casting! the roll of kicking japanese cyborg major motoko kusanagi will be played by notable japanese actress, scarlett johansson. now, the movie might still be good, but why did they do this? did the studio misread scarlett's last name as johan-san? i don't know how they made this mistake. between this, emma stone in "aloha," and natalie dormer in "the forest," we almost have enough actresses for an all-white-female "seven samurai" reboot! let's really get behind this, guys. come on. it's time. [ applause ] so, since apparently studios will cast who ever as whatever, comedians what is another controversial casting choice. >>ñoep
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[laughing] >> chris: points. ben. >> -- someone with human lips. chris: points. flula. >> donald trump as president of the united states. >> chris: okay. [ applause ] >> is this fiction or non fiction. >> chris: it was fiction. it's slowly becoming non fiction. >> that's very scary. chris: it's turning. everyone thought it would be fiction now we dope know what will happen. >> -- probably thinks he can be in this movie. asian girl. >> chris: look i have been here for years. >> chris: next, "angry cat." cats are like dogs that couldn't [beep] carat taoud. it's luke a room plate you slept
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with and now it's awkward. do you go to them, do they come to you? i don't know. look at this evil glare, what did a human do to anger this feline to such a degree. did they force it to wear sneakers or mess with it's time in space? >> forced it to wear sneakers. cats don't know time or space, they're just there. >> chris: take that, cat. >> take that germany. >> we are ready. chris: now you would think it's the first one. oddly it's the other one. watch. there and -- what the [beep]. >> that's not cool. chris: that a look that says i can not wait until you die so i can eat your carcass.
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that is the end of rapid refresh. it's time for #hashtagwars. it's hard to imagine there was a time before youtube. this saturday is the 11th anniversary of the first ever youtube video, "me at the zoo." rivetting. here is a clip. >> really, really long trunk. that's cool. >> chris: 30 million views. so in honor of this internet classic, we're gonna reflect on how things used to be with tonight's hashtag, "#beforeyoutube." examples might be i actually respect copyright law. and i didn't know what a bunch of racist assholes thought about a video i just watched.
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60 seconds on the clock. ben. >> before youtube i are roughly the same number of youtube subscribers. >> chris: rarbgs nna. >> before youtube nobody knew who flula boring was. >> chris: ben. >> before youtube. chris: flula. >> before youtube i didn't hide my kids or my wife. >> before youtube people made rape threats by mail. >> chris: flula. >> before youtube i thought chocolate rain was a sexual act. >> chris: ben. >> before youtube i would scream yaaa from the rooftop. >> chris: flula. >> before youtube i had to find beyonce in a strange location or a mansion to show her up. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: just wanted to let you know i like this.
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there are 30,000 more people behind me. perfect. >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #beforeyoutube and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last week's hashtag war was sent to us by @lpizzle. well done! every day you read headlines about businesses being hacked and intellectual property being stolen. that is cyber-crime. and it affects each and every one of us. microsoft created the digital crimes unit to fight cyber-crime. we use the microsoft cloud to visualize information so we can track down the criminals. when it comes to the cloud, trust and security are paramount. we're building what we learn back into the cloud to make people and organizations safer. ♪
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why? you get a little cranky when you're hungry. better? much better. this scene will never make the cut. >> chris: welcome back to
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@midnight. it's time to play, "dunce like nobody's watching." [cheers and applause] the internet is great at cultivating amazing dance crazes like gangnam style, the dab and of course, the whip and nae nae. the problem is, as soon as i learn to do them, ellen degeneres, the local news, and countless other mom-centric media outlets drain them of their cool like a vampire in high-waisted jeans. so comedians, to stay on top of things, i'm going to show you some internet dances that could be the next big thing and, for 250 points, you're going to answer questions about them. first up, the erotic dance moves of morris. ♪ ♪ [laughing]
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>> oh. chris: he's going to [beep] you. what did the director say to get him to give that performance. >> quick dance fast before they kick us out of the gap. >> chris: points. flula. >> that was great, senator cruz, now one more time but greasier. >> chris: points. next this gearhead courtesy of everything is terrible. ♪ [laughing] >> chris: hey, guys. wait a minute. that motorcycle in the butt stuff. what is the name of his biker gang. >> the actual inspiration of kanye west, bound two.
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[ applause ] >> realistic that's the way i [beep] my motorcycle. >> chris: i like to -- i guess it wouldn't be like 69. it would be like 68 because of the wheels. >> or 92 if you want to run clean with petrol. >> chris: noise, a hundred points, ben. nice. next up this music festival good ol ' boy will b ♪ ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> chris: ya. >> chris: to what does this guy owe his incredible dance moves? >> the confederacy. [ applause ] >> okay. chris: anna. >> getting bitten by a radioactive matthew mcconaughy.
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>> chris: points. next up this master of the try e triangle. ♪ [laughing] [laughing] >> chris: i can't wait to see him and the motorcycle guy on their [beep] tour. what does he do for a encore. >> i know i subscribe to this channel. he bangs a tambourine against his asshole. >> chris: a very specific placement. against his asshole. >> not the cheek the center. chris: alright. next this cyber goth dance collective. ♪ ♪
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>> chris: two things: one, pretty baller move for this guy to film his video at the mall. perhaps he's on break from a really dark and tragic orange julius. two, the goth names in this video need some help. what's a better name than "xenomorph" for a dancing cyber-goth? >> mc escalator. chris: points. points. >> i go up, i go down. chris: anna. >> guy [beep] ruined prommed. chris: ruined it, ruined prom. >> chris: that's the end of "dunce like nobody's watching." it's time for our next game, "partially like it's 1999". set the way back machine for our
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mostly -- audience. who can remember. monica lewinsky had a dress without jizz, the fan of menace disa pointed living people, the only people had to remove shoes in airports were perverts. and they were getting it onto living la vitaloca. now they're about to hatch. 1 years later they're back. i would like you to tell the newly hatching cicatas all they need to know. we will get your answers after the break. we will be back with more
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. here i am. before the break, i told you
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that the 17 year cicadas are coming back and i asked you to fill them in on what they need to know. let's see what you wrote. anna -rgs let's start with you. >> there is a new star wars, new jungle book, new superman, new skwraour as i can park. never mind hollywood sucks. still racist though. >> chris: alright. ben. >> fellas, welcome back. y2k was not a thing, brittany's sexual life, teenage girls and car dashians brought on the long winter. [ applause ] >> chris: flula. >> welcome back. we elected our first black president. now it looks like we may elect our first orange president. [ applause ] >> chris: same in germany. >> same, same. chris: a thousand points to flula. 500 to anna and ben. very close. being fast on the buzzard will
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determine who goes before the win. get on it. it's time to play overheard at coachella. >> chris: -- marvel at how peaceful the drugged-up trust-fund summer camp known as coachella opened this weekend. those in attendance marveled at the amazing lineup and those of us who stayed behind marveled at how peaceful l.a. is when all the coachella fans are out in the desert. the website laist dedicated its weekly "overheard" feature to some of the inebriated nonsense from the music festival. some gems included: "i'm the one who's on mexican adderall" and "isn't portland in seattle?" comedians, i want you to come up with as many other overheard-at-coachellas as possible. 10 seconds, begin. >> does this flower crown make me look privileged. >> chris: points. >> can anyone give me a ride to
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my hover board. >> chris: anna. >> i only have sex with verified twitter users. >> chris: i know someone who said that. >> i don't care if you're on "@midnight" monday, i don't want to make out with you. >> the sand at burning man is much more authentic. >> chris: ben. >> i love guns and roses, which is nick jonas. >> chris: points. >> i just pwrao *u the headline. >> is he homeless or hipster who cares i will [beep] him. >> chris: flula. >> i heard the port a potty got a 9.8 on pitch fork. >> chris: very generous. ben. >> not having a vip pass must be like being poor. >> chris: flula. >> is that skreulex or a dial-up modem. >> chris: points. points. that is the end of overheard at
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coachella. flula, you're in third place. you weren't fast on the buzzard. >> we goer mans are contractually obligated to lose anytime it's possible. sorry. [ applause ] >> chris: nice. congrats. >> thank you. chris: thank you. you're taking it well. i enjoy you so much. thank you for being here. turn on the red light, please. just let him think it's a good thing. >> chris: that means it's time to silence your devices, it's "for the win!" [laughing] >> you know it. [laughing] >> he's going to bang his motorcycle a hundred percent. >> muffler -- muzza. chris: i just want a gift of
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that. the internet both exploded and 'asploded this weekend when the president of amc theatres said he was considering allowing texting in certain movie theaters to attract more millennials. this followed a plan to get more elderly customers in the theater by allowing them to park in the concession stand and ask loudly "who's that again?" the internet hated the texting plan and forced amc to walk back the idea with a flurry of -- but i want to imagine a nightmarish, sci-fi alternate reality where texting has always been allowed in movie theaters. comedians, i want you to come up with a live tweet from a classic movie. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. you know that saying... this ain't my first rodeo? well, it's his. whatever your mountain, climb on.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i showed you a story about amc ditching their plan to allow texting in movie theaters and asked you to come up with a live tweet from a classic movie. let's see what you came up with. first one ... i'm dtfeft, #givemethatglowyfinger. i like it. >> ouch. chris: or ... spoiler alert do not jerk off until the very end of "the crying game." oh, "the crying game." who was number one? anna akana called it at the top of the show. way to call the victory.
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she did. she's the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! thank you & goodnight. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be chris kluwe, rachel feinstein, and tom ellis. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #beforeyoutube and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. v. r. have [ applause ] >> last week, a disgusting anti-lgbt law was signed by the governor of mississippi. [ laughter ] i don't think -- i don't think this is actually the governor, but -- probably? who cares? this new "religious freedom" law allows businesses to deny services to the lgbt community -- a group that spends nearly $900 billion a year, you dip [ bleep ]. wow, mississippi, business must really be booming if you're turning away billions of dollars. oh, wait. you're 49th on forbes' list of best states to do business in.

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