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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  April 19, 2016 10:05am-10:38am PDT

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you when your significant other is cheating. it's a mattress which claims to use ultrasonic sensors to detect when your bed is in use, and you're not at home. i just picture a european businessman in an important meeting like i'm sorry, i have to take this. it's my mattress. so the mattress is meant to catch cheaters, you know, measuring mattress bouncing which seems like a pretty roundabout way of doing that. what if your partner is just jumping on the bed. are you going to punish her because she has a spirit of child like wonder, is that what you are going to do i don't need a mattress to tell me my partner is cheating. i can find out the old-fashioned way by secretly scrolling through her phone t is as simple as that. with something the name smart in the name t is the dumbest thing i ever heard of. it should win an award for most easily fooled technology ever. because you can just do it on the couch, or in the shower, or
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you could even have sex on the floor right next to the mattress and the mass res won't say [bleep]. it would even make the sex hotter, you could be like yeah, you like that, mattress, you like that. yeah, you have to watch but you can't say anything about it. this is our secret. moving on, let's talk about flying. now it can be a terrifying experience, in a small building that is moving 500 miles an hour in constant fear of either crashing or having to act interested in what the person next to you is saying. oh, that's right, i guess i never did think about who distributes phone charger cables. yeah. well for some people, flying can be even harder. >> a college student in california is demanding an apology from southwest airlines after being escorted off a plane for speaking arabic. >> trevor: wow. that's shocking. americans can recognize arabic? (laughter)
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wow. so messed up. i didn't know speaking foreign languages was against airline regulation. when i first heard this i thought well maybe he was shouting and acting like he was a threat am but no, he was just being a person who speaks arabic. >> the woman sitting in front of him told the crew she overheard him making potentially threatening comments. >> he was on the phone with his uncle in baghdad and used the common arabic expression inshallah or god willing. another passenger told security that mack zoomi was using jihadist language, he was pulled off the plane and questioned. >> trevor: thrown off the flight for saying god willing. the whole sentence was probably god willing my fellow passengers won't throw me off the flight for no reason. no, no, looks like they're taking me away. well, god willing i won't get a cavity search. nope, looks like that's happening as well. and by the way, what did that passenger mean, he was using
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jihadist language. a language doesn't get owned by the worst people who use it. we don't call english the real housewives language, that is not how it works. arabic is a language. it's not an action. now look, this passenger who complained didn't know what she was talking about. and i understand that. i understand why she was alarmed because every day on tv everyone is telling her to be alarmed. >> the entire obama administration refuses even to utter the words radical ises lambic terrorism. >> there is a link between islam and terrorism. >> there is a large group of violent extremist muslims who are coming to kill me and you. >> a total and complete shutdown of muslims entering the united states. >> not all muslims are terrorists but all terrorists are muslim. >> not all idiots are fox news hosts, but all fox news hosts are-- well, you'll figure it ot out. but southwest airlines, here's my thing.
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just because someone saw something and said something doesn't mean you guys have to do the wrong thing. as an airline you shouldn'ting rationally profiling, that is the tsa's job. the problem is that southwest is getting a reputation for doing this. >> a maryland muslim woman said she was humiliated after getting kicked off her flight because of her religion. >> the woman hakima abdule was wearing an islamic head scarf said all she wanted to do was switch seats, instead she got the boot by a flight attendant. >> trevor: she failed to mention she wanted to switch seats with the pilot. now you think with this type the least southwest could do is offer an apology. >> southwest said the student's removal was a collaborative decision rooted in established procedure. >> flight attends ants are allowed to remove people off flights if they pose a threat to public safety. >> trevor: oh really, southwest. you want to talk about public safety? maybe you should start by assigning seat numbers because right now every single flight is
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like a black friday sale. i have to tramp el three kids just to get a window seat. three kids. you know how hard it is to enjoy your view with dead children at your seat. thank god i had a-- what have i done? what have i done? and southwest, if you are trying to sell how seriously you take safety, then maybe stop making these preflight announcements ♪ they think the airlines gone crazy ♪ charging for each little thing. >> i'm a flight attendant, i'm a flight attendant, put your hands up. >> stop, buckle up and listen. >> trevor: don't get me wrong. it is a lot of fun what they are doing. until the plane is going down. and you can't remember the lyrics to the safety song. yeah, cuz it's a song, people, so now you don't even have to do that thing where you have to sing the whole song just to get to the part that you can't
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remember, the plane is going down, what was it-- stop, buckle up and listen-- listen-- oh, from the ceiling. air mask on the ceiling. on the ceiling. the ceiling. that does not make me feel safe. employee it is not cold stone creamery. i haven't been therend been like man, this is so much fun. i wish my life was in their hands. but since southwest doesn't look like they'll change their policy, we at the daily show took the liberty of at least recording a preflight announcement that they can show to help their muslim pass swrers and this is what we came up with. >> welcome aboard southwest airlines. before takeoff there are a few ways our muslim passengers can avoid terrifying their fellow travelers. don't bring a bag on to a flight because bags can have bombs in them. instead carry them in your arms at all times. if you speak arabic, don't. it's a scary language.
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but don't not speak either because that's also supersuspicious. instead, memorize some common english phrases. >> 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. >> be considerate to your nonmuslim seat mates. give them fair warning before you make any movement with your hands. >> i'm about to buckle my seatbelt, not detonate a suicide vest. and most important, please take a moment to locate the nearest emergency exit so that in the event of an angry mob you will know where to go with your parachute. >> thank you muslims for still show choosing southwest. >> you're now free to move about the country, as long as linda in 11c is cool with it. >> trevor: hasan minaj, >> trevor: hasan minaj,
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with t-mobile, you pay $95/mo for a smaller network, >> trevor: hasan minaj, and monthly taxes and fees are always extra. with cricket, you get an unlimited plan on a bigger network... ...for $65/mo after $5 auto pay credit, and monthly taxes and fees are always included. looks like t-mobile's not all it's cracked up to be. and now for a limited time, switch to cricket and get a $50 bill credit. cricket wireless. something to smile about. ♪ ♪
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take on the unexpected. the new 2016 nissan altima. built to stand out. who's the genius who puts a girl in heels on a subway grate? miss monroe, eat a snickers. why? you get a little cranky when you're hungry. better? much better. this scene will never make the cut. i think we should've taken a tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not know where tarzan go. hey, excuse me, do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan, king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance,
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you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do. ohhhhhh! do you have to do that right in my ear? it's and as fans of awesome tv shows! because we are the couch-dwellers, the binge-watchers, the work-skippers! and we refuse to waste the greatest tv week this proud nation has ever known! but time is scarce my friends, so fetch your fancy voice remotes and join me! three, two, one... watchathon! big is back. xfinity watchathon week now until april 24. the greatest collection of shows free with xfinity on demand.
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now tomorrow is new york's presidential primary. and all the candidates are racing around the state trying to win votes except for jeb bush, of course. no, he's just-- is he just here because he wants a hug, people. now it looks like hillary's going to win the new york democratic primary but she's not resting on her laurels, this weekend she broke out the big guns. >> clinton spent some of the weekend in california raising money for herself and other democrats with two events hosted by george clooney. vip ticket prices hit over 35 3,000. >> it is ridiculous that we should have this kind of money
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in politics. we need to take the senate back because we need to confirm the supreme court justice, because that fifth vote on the supreme court can overturn citizen's united and get this obscene, ridiculous amount of money out so i never have to do a fundraiser again. >> trevor: i couldn't hear, all i heard was handsome, handsome, handsome, handsome, handsome, handsome, handsome, handsome. that is a pretty slick explanation. have i to fund raise so that i never have to fund raise. sounds like a person just before they start a diet. i'm going to start my diet tomorrow, but that is not going to happen while this cake is still around. so-- now normally by this point in the campaign the primary winners are largely a fore gone conclusion which makes sense. whoive goes a [bleep] with what a nothing little state like new york thinks but this time the race is still relatively close meaning the candidates are here working hard to impress us. except for maybe one, as desi
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lydic reports. >> ted cruz recently made waves with a comment about new york city values. >> the rest of the country knows exactly what new york values are. and i got to say, they're not iowa values and they're new new hampshire values. >> as a recent transplant from kentucky, i wondered what exactly are new york city values. >> socially liberal or proabortion or progay marriage. >> oh, god, no. i headed to time square to see how visitors cope in our preverlted seses pool. >> how would you compare this city with whatever [bleep] city are you from, where are you from. >> i'm from huntsville, alabama. >> it's been a good trip. we've enjoyed it. >> has the gay in your face ruined anything for you? >> the gay in my. >> all the gay in your face. >> i haven't seen much of that. i was shocked. >> clearly these values are ruining their vacation. >> we love it here, we love coming. >> we come for the shows. >> is it hard to get tickets to really popular shows like hamilton with all the abortions going on here?
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>> well, hamilton you can't get tickets. >> right. >> because of all the abortions. >> so you guys are from new york. what are new york values? >> we're not from new york. >> are you sure. >> positive. >> with all the. >> yeah, no, we just look different. >> new york is full of sick and twisted surprises. >> we met a lot of nice people, just met a construction worker here that was really supernice to us. and really didn't even kus at me. >> not one time. >> not one time. >> did he ask to feel your tits. >> no, he didn't. and he didn't tell me where to go or flip me off. >> did he grab your ass. >> no. >> did he ask how much. >> no. >> did he tell you to pleep bleep. >> no. >> but admit it, when you get home, after you wash away the sin and rebaptize yourself, you'll really look forward to a great home-cooked meal at-- what is that-- cracker restaurant. >> cracker barrel. >> no, not that one. the other place where crackers go.
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>> dennys. >> finish the sentence for me. new york say godless. >> why would you say new york is godless. i don't think that that is accurate. new york is great. i like new york. >> so you guys are actually enjoying yourselves here. >> absolutely. >> yes. >> my grandfather came through ellis island in 1911 on his way to pennsylvania to a new life. this was a place of opportunity for a lot of people including my grandfather. >> oh, right. a lot of our immigrant ancestors did come through new york. but still, these guys are just tourists, what do they know? what about people who moved here from real america. >> i've been living here for about eight months. and it's fantastic. i love it. >> what? >> my life has improved because i have more opportunities to move forward in life with whatever i want to do. >> there are so many people that are coming and so many different cultures. races, sexual orientations, people doing what they do, you do what you do. >> but back home, you get gay
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celeb result. >> back home i was beyonce. here i'm barely latavia. >> who is latavia. >> exactly. a member of a group that nobody knows. >> don't you want to go back and be we yons. >> i want to be the beyonce of new york. >> there are a lot of beyonces in new york, including beyonce. >> maybe ted cruz is wrong to attack new york for its values. it is a melting pot of ideas and cultures. that said, i live here and there is still plenty to criticize. so ted, the next time you want to [bleep] on this city, ask a new yorker. there are so many things you could complain about, like our art. >> try getting a [bleep] ticket. >> or complain about our infrastructure. how are you still digging? they've been digging for two years. >> our commute. >> the our many great restaurants. >> i'm at brunch right now.
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or take a shot at our quality of life. >> it costs $5,000 a mobt to li here. and it comes with a [bleep] roommate. >> we're out of toilet paper. >> you don't even have a bathroom. wait, where have you been [bleep]? >> but don't [bleep] with our values. because we accept all people. well, not all. >> is there anything you would like to say to ted cruz. >> [bleep] ted cruz. >> wow, you guys are new yorkers . >> trevor: thank you, desi, >> trevor: thank you, desi, we'll be right back.
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that makes the biggest impression. the 2016 c-class. see your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedes-benz financial services. back. my guest tonight, the star of netflix's "unbreakable kimmy schmidt." please welcome ellie kemper! >> yay. >> trevor: thank you so much.
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>> thank you very much. >> trevor: thank you so much for being here. >> thank you for having me. thank you for hiding my legs under this desk. >> trevor: that is what the desk is for. >> it's great. >> trevor: i'm wearing shorts right now. i like to do the interview in shorts. it's comfortable. that is what is the desk is for. thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: i'm such a fan of you and the show but so much so that it is freaky talking to you because you have the same enthusiasm in person that your character has, and so i feel like you were once in a bunker underground. >> you're kind. i feel like that's another-- yes, maybe i'm not acting, really, on the show. except i was raised in st. louis which is not a bunker, i don't think. so yeah, but i sort of am similar to my character on the show. i think in energywise. >> trevor: yeah, you've got a similar energy. the only difference though is now unless are you going to write it into the show, the only difference is you are now expecting a child. >> i am. i'm pregnant.
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(applause) >> first woman ever. >> trevor: first woman ever. >> yup, thank you. >> well done. first baby ever. >> first baby ever. >> trevor: first baby ever, first woman ever. that's big. i was a little disappointed, though, because i knew you were coming here and then you made the announcement on jimmy fallon, i was like wow, you made the announcement there. >> oh. >> trevor: i mean, i'm cool. i am cool because me and jimmy are cool. so i was like maybe secretary baby, you will think about me. >> oarksz, i would love-- i actually promised jimmy kimel the second baby. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i didn't know, i'm sorry. >> trevor: people have three babies all the time. >> i know. and that third one is abouting to colbert, i'm sorry. i'm a planner, i'm a planner. >> trevor: what if your fourth baby, like, you adopt from africa. >> you'll get that one. >> trevor: is that a deal? >> yes. >> trevor: all right, i will take it. >> deal, deal.
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>> trevor: it's a wonderful experience, isn't it, pregnancy? >> yeah. >> trevor: do you feel like you've changed at a person. >> am i glowing? the sis particular acne, is that a glow? you know, i have never been more aware of the fact, and depressed by the fact that this part of my bobby is like a million more times, a million times for intelligent than my brain. like while i'm sleeping this part of my body is like generating dna, and making new eyeballs for a human being. and this, my brain, this dumbee is having a dream that i'm being chased by hulk hogan. like-- . >> trevor: let's talk about the show. >> all right. >> trevor: secretary season, all out at one time, i now have to binge again. that is the only way you can watch shows is to binge. >> all at once. >> trevor: do people say that, i binge you? >> yeah, i don't know how to take that, thank you, i guess. >> trevor: i binge you all the time. >> is that a complimentment? i think it is. and it's a complim to your show as well.
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>> great. >> trevor: it is a super funny show and it never stops. tina fey say legend. you get to work with tina fey. >> and robert carlock created it and it's like all we have to do is say the lines because they're so dense, like will are so many layers to every joke and it's really, you don't have to dress it up at all, you just say it. >> trevor: there are so many layers that you peeed on your costar from-- this is a thing. i'm a big fan of the show and i know that you peeed on your costar because you pee when you laugh too hard? >> i do, yes, i do. yeah, i do. >> trevor: now people are looking at you, and they're like-- what if is too hard. this is like a real thing. >> this say very real thing and what is even weirder is how comfortable i am talking about it. because it happens so often. okay. when i laugh too hard, i lose control and i wet my pants. and to me it is at once like the most joyful thing you could imagine because it's like i'm laughing so hard that i can't control my bodily furntions. but on the other hand it's terrifying because you don't know where you are going to be when it strikes. so once during like in between
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scenes i was sitting on titus' lap. what you are referring to, we were taking a selfie and i told you about this and i was laughing so hard at titdus that i wet my pants while sitting there. and by the way, what a prince. totally unphased. he was unphased. he was like e-w, and that was it. that was it. so great. but it's a weird thing. it has happened to me walking in the office it is not happening yet but the segment isn't over yet. >> trevor: so here is my question, does it go with the laugh? is it like ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. how do you-- what is the pannish-- panic. >> steady stream, once i was talking to my then boyfriend on the phone in high school. i was sitting on the floor doing math homework talk on the phone. and he was very funny and making me laugh so hard. i was like here we go. and i started ming and i was like well, we're on the phone and i don't want to explain to him what is happening. so i just like let it go and i was just sitting there, like a pig in my own filt.
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but it was also really happy because he was so great. >> trevor: you know what i am picturing right now is the baby listening to this going, i'm going to parent myself. i'm going to handle this. >> thanks, mom, are you already embarrassing me. >> trevor: you are just as amazing in person. >> oh my gosh. >> trevor: thanks so much for coming to the shoavment unbreakable kimmy schmidt is available on netflix-- netflix, you can watch it all. ellie kemper, everybody. plaws plawls how do they make starburst taste so juicy?
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they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii... it takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. i hate the outside. well, i hate it wherever you are. burn. "burn." is that what the kids are saying now? i'm so bored, i'm dead. you can always compare rates on progressive.com. oh, that's nice, dear. but could you compare camping trips? because this one would win. all i want to do is enjoy nature and peace and quiet! it's not about winning. it's about helping people find a great rate even if it's not with progressive. -ugh. insurance. -when i said "peace and quiet," did you hear, "talk more and disappoint me"? ♪ do do do do ♪ skiddly do do ♪ camping with the family ♪ [ flame whooshes ] why are you so tired?ts... ahh, the "after lunch food coma." we've all been there. you had planned on ordering the salad, but the pasta and fries looked so good.
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now, you're trying to find a place to catch a few zzzs... without the boss catching you. next time, grab a great tasting 5-hour energy® shot. it'll help you stay alert and productive... no matter what's on the menu. now is the time for 5-hour energy®. and i smoked while i was pregnant. my baby was born two months early and weighed only 3 pounds. this is the view i had of her in the nicu. my tip to you is: speak into the opening so your baby can hear you better. (announcer)you can quit. for free help, call 1-800-quit-now (pilot talking to tower on radio) once you get out here... there's just one direction... forward.
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one time: now. and there's just one sound. you and us... together. telling the world... we're coming for you. ♪ ♪ ♪ can you say i love it? ♪ oh love it? ♪ can you say hey? ♪ hey! ♪ that's the spirit! oooooh.♪ ♪ ooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ sing sing, baby baby i love you. oh yes.♪ ♪ ooooh oooh. ♪ every little thing.
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>> that's our show for tonight. join us tomorrow night at 11:00, we have a very special guest, dr. ben carson will be joining us tomorrow night. so please just tune in. now here it is, your moment of zen. zen. >>
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ladies and gentlemen, the driedels. ♪ put on your yarmulke it's time for hanukkah ♪ ♪ once again it's hanukkah ♪ ♪ the miracle of hanukkah [ cheers and applause ] thank you. nice to be here, everybody. ♪ hanukkah is the festival of lights ♪ ♪ one day of presents, hell no ♪ ♪ we get the... ♪ eight crazy nights ♪ but if you still feel like the only kid in town ♪ ♪ without a christmas tree ♪ i guess my first two songs didn't do it for you ♪
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♪ so here comes number three ♪ ♪ ♪ ross and phoebe from "friends" ♪ ♪ say the hanukkah blessing ♪ ♪ so does lenny's pal squiggy ♪ ♪ and "will & grace"'s debra messing ♪ ♪ melissa gilbert and michael landon ♪ ♪ never mixed meat with dairy ♪ ♪ maybe they should have called that show ♪ ♪ little kosher house on the prairie ♪ ♪ we got jerry lewis ♪ ben stiller and jack black ♪ ♪ tom arnold converted to judaism ♪ ♪ but you guys can have him back ♪ just kidding. ♪ we may not get to kiss underneath the mistletoe ♪

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