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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  April 21, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry! larry. >> larry: thank you very much. thank you. man, look at this crowd. thank you so much. >> larry! larry! >> larry: welcome to "the nightly show." thank you,ifies. such a good crowd. yes, i am larry wilmore. thank you so much. this is a rocking crowd tonight,
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man. ( cheers and applause ) russell simmons is on the show this evening joining us. very excited about that. ( cheers and applause ) going to be a lot of fun. okay, but, but tonight we're doing a segment we call "cleaning up dirty estates." i have no idea. all right, guys, you know i promised not to forget about the people in flint, mish fan michid their ongoing water cries. >> michigan governor rick schneider says he will comply with demands from people from flint and drink filtered water for the next 30 days. >> larry: filtered water? skews me. the only reason flint residents demand you drink that was so that you can get poisoned. that was why. the filter kind of defeats that purpose. can't you do anything right! by the way, we built the filter.
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( cheers and applause ) he's going to get poisoned! yeah, larry. poison that ( bleep )! yes, it is satisfying to see governor schneider drink the dirty water, but the people of flipt aren't just getting vengeance. they're getting justice. >> breaking news from michigan surrounding the flipt water investigation. three people have been charged with criminal offenses for allegedly misleading regulators about the lead crisis. >> larry: damn, poor people getting justice for ( bleep ) up stuff. that's happened to them? what. was that clip from the skfy network. this is so exciting. there are so many people i want to thank. i want to thank bill schutte,
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michigan's attorney general, todd flood, special counsel for the state investigation into the crisis. and dr. mona hannah-attisha, the local pediatrician who first brought this story to light. more people to thank? the "detroit free press" who stayed with this like a dog with a bone and who's integrity-- ♪ ♪ aww, come on, play-off music? how can you play me off? this is my show. another fine. go to bed, kids. ( cheers and applause ) all right, our next dirty state that needs a little cleaning is utah, where the water is clean but it's the minds that are dirty. >> gary herbert will sign a resolution into law that declares pornography a public health crise. >> larry: my prediction?
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governor herbert will try to sign that resolution into but then a sexy secretary will ask him what he's doing with his big then, and then... you know how that goes. okay, guys, look, i know utah is pretty strict, but are they serious about porn being a public health cries? apparently, just listen to this utahan, elder jeffrey r. holland. >> we do need to see this like avian flu or cholera or diphtheria or polo. it needs to be eradicated. >> larry: hold on a second. as dangerous as polo? not true. f.d.r. had polio, and he was a freak in the sack, right? ( applause ) it's true. i don't make this up, you guys. you're welcome, just trying to protect your legacy. look, there's a risk of contracting a virus if you're in a porn but you can't ket the porns, right? doc, what's going on?
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"it looks like you've got a case of the porns, son. good news, i've got cure." ( applause ) sick crowd. i like this crowd. larry can you give us some more water? we from scotland and africa, larry, come on. you know what is a public health crisis, s.t.d., which have exploded-- pun intended. it is a public health crisis they don't seem eager to pass. a separate bill allowing comprehensive sex education did not pass. how is a guy supposed to juggle five wives without any sex
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education? under current utah laws schools aren't allowed to provide material on homosexuality, stex outside of marriage, and exrepgz. and utah has the highest number of paid porn subscribers of any state. okay, okay, all right, all right. o i've got two questions, utah. number one, with all this oppression, can't you see why you're watching so much porn? and number two, why are you paying for it? hello! it doesn't make sense. ( applause ) okay. all right, guys, for more on this let's check in with a concerned utah resident. >> hi, larry! ( cheers and applause ) hi. >> how you doing? >> i'm elder masters. >> larry: hi, elder masters. >> hi, larry! it's me, i'm elder johnson, hi! >> larry: oh, hi. why are you guys on a tandem bike? >> it's the fastest way to get around town to collect all this porn. >> filthy, filthy porn. >> this is our mission!
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( laughter ). >> larry: wait, your mission? >> oh, year, larry, seriously. look at all this porn, man. it's everywhere. it's disgusting. >> larry: hold on a second. you're just grabbing people's porn. >> we're doing god's will. >> you wouldn't believe the haul we got from the romney compound. ( applause ). >> larry: romney! >> oh, my gosh! >> larry: mitt romney. >> oh, dear god, yes, so much filling, larry. and, larry, true story, we saw the image of a man putting his hand under his own vestment. glu mean masturbating. >> i don't know. i do i want know. >> whatever you call it. >> larry: guys, you've never masture baitd have you? >> no, no, no, don't touch down there. come on! >> larry: it's okay. all right. calm down. calm down. >> larry, did you know missionary is also a naughty position? sacreligious. >> larry: it's actually not that naughty. it's probably the least naughty. look, guys, it seems like you're
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old enough to know all this already. you really haven't learned anything by now, have you? >> this is a new world to us, larry. >> it's a nasty, dirty worlda that is both repugnant and exciting. >> larry: see, guys, this is what i means. this is what happens when sex is oppressed in societies. you have been raised to think it's all wrong. >> it doesn't matter had we think, larry. it's what god things. >> up until yesterday, we thought a blow job is when you put your genitalia underneath the bathroom hand dryer. >> that does feel very good, though. >> it feels amazing. >> no, it doesn't, no, it doesn't. >> larry: i don't think that's right. i don't think that's correct. let me ask you this-- guys, guys. so what are you going to do with the porn after you confiscate it. >> i'm going to take it home and destroy it. >> no, i'll take it home. >> no, i got it. >> i got if. >> no, i'll take it. >> no, i'll take it. >> larry: we'll be right
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( cheers and applause ). >> larry: welcome back. okay, guys, it is prom season and you know what that means. time to get racist. don't believe me? check out some of this year's viral prom-poseddal. it's a super elaborate way kid are asking each other to proms, like wedding proposal. here's the latest. this confident white dude's proposal consisted of making a k.f.c., hat and saying i prefer dark meat. to his credit, he gave her matching k.f.c. hat and flowers. what he lost in racism he almost made up for in cuteness and
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gallantry. it is not just dumb guys pulling this crap. check out how this white teenaged girl asked her date to program. just a watermelon? and she's wearing gym clothes. i mean, she couldn't have put less effort in if she tried. i will give her point for simplicity. wait, could i see that gain gwen? does she have slim floaties on her arm? what is that about? did she just come from a swim lesson or making another racist joke that black people can't swim. to her credit, that is a fact, guys. is she wrong? okay, yes, she is. you're right, you're right. she's wrong "larry, she's horribly wrong." this next might be my favorite. this is amazing. the sign says before trump supportdeports you? prom. and she's holding a cuban's leg. first of all, first of all, trump wants to deport mexicans,
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not cubans you. you didn't even get your stereotype right. and secondly, what the entire ( bleep )? don't understand. this last one i really don't get. check out how a muslim teen boy asked his white date to prom. "i hope this doesn't blow you away but it would be the bomb if we went to prom." what is going on here! how are you going to be racist against yourself? either these kids don't get it or they just don't care. i have to find out what is going on. to help me shed some light is an interracial prom couple. >> thank you for having us! >> 2016, yes! >> larry: how is it going, guys? >> great, awesome. >> larry: oh, great. i have to know what you guys think about this racist prom-posal. >> larry, first of all, they're not racist. >> larry: how are they not racist? >> we don't expect someone of
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your advanced age to understand, but, our generation doesn't know racism. we didn't grow up with slavery, like you did, you know. ( laughter ). >> larry: my generation didn't have slavery, either. please help me here. you're black, and you have to admit this trend is racist. >> we're living in a post-racial world, larry. we don't see color. >> larry: what? so you're okay with this? >> yeah, i think it's sweet. it shows he kind of researched my culture. >> google! >> larry: oh, my god. i'm afraid to ask, but how did vinny prom pose to you? >> oh, man, it was classic. baker show him the sign. show him the sign. i "maid" this for you, so you'd be "the help" at my prom. >> cute. >> >> larry: charisma, why would you say yes to this?
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>> because he also gave me a broom with a carrying handle. he's so thought displfl that's not a carrying handle. that's a noose. >> what's a noose. >> larry: oh, my god! you guys know nothing. this is a horrible stereotype, racist. it's offensive you can't put these things on-- >> larry, hold on, hold olarry. i'd like to take a minute to ask charisma a very special question. now, if you just pick up your board again and turn it around, i want to turn you from my prom queen to my trap queen. here's some crack. >> crack! are you kidding me! >> will you be my prom trap queen? >> yes, of course! oh, my god, vinny! >> larry, we're in love. >> larry: you can't propose to her with a bag of crack!
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because the beer you drink after you mow your lawn tastes better than the beer you drink after someone else mows your lawn. craftsman. when it matters. >> i'm here with my panel, first up, robin thede. ( cheers and applause ) jordan carlos. ( cheers and applause ) and he's the "new york times" bestselling author. and you can check out his latest venture, russell simmons, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) and for everyone at home, join us on the station right now @nightly show use the hashtag tonightly. i had a subject picked out, but prince passed away so i'm like
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( bleep ). let's talk about prince. >> yes! >> gl plus we have russell simmons, music mogul on our panel tonight. and what better night to talk about somebody who-- i mean, for me, prince just meant so much. the 80s was just an interesting time for me. michael jackson and prince just exploded. >> yeah. they changed everything. >> larry: absolutely. that's what it sealed like. did prince mean something to you at that time zoo i think he is one of the sweetest people i have ever met. every time i met him he was very nice to me. he was very sweet to all the fans that approached him. i didn't have a tight relationship with him, so i can't give any personal insight. in the 80s, michael and prince were not rap heroes. but i remember watching "when doves cry" and getting into it more. the melodies always got me. at first we thought of them-- they didn't like us very much. >> larry: who? >> the whole music, everybody,
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the 80s. >> when you came in with def jam. >> the sonic landscape was a lot different back then. >> i look back and have such great appreciation for him. >> let it go. >> i think they love you now. you know what i mean? they do love you now. >> if you think about it, our black artists so you had run d.m.c., and also prince. i had posters of that both in my room, you know what i mean? at a time, that's what i was listening to. i love prince because he embraces swensuality as well. black dudes weren't doing that back then. you know? like, i when i saw the video i was like, "mommy, what is that?" you know what i'm saying? i didn't know-- >> prince was the guy that the women loved and the men loved, too. how many dudes are like, "i'm not gay, but prince, though, like, be real." you know, it's like this dude, he-- he merged everything feminine and masculine and he just did something that no one
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else-- especially a black artist. people like bowie and stuff definitely gender bend, but in the black community prince had this place that nobody will be able to replace. after "purple rain "people hated morris day. >> i liked him more. >> you liked him more. >> that's thing about-- >> really also another very beautiful girl. >> aploania. >> aploania. >> he put so many women on and got on so many women. ( laughter ) >> larry: i remember-- like,. >> you are nasty. >> i remember hearing that and thinking who is singing this. know even thinking, are you
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allowed to sing something like this? >> he made-- he broke a lot of barriers. he did a lot of interesting and alternative and fun things and a lot of people in the community loved pim help and i came to love him. >> he also-- he also gave us, if you think about it, you came to love him. >> and also, she was one of the sweetest people still in the moment. i feel for all the people that he left behind. >> that's true. >> when you lose somebody like, that it's almost like you feel sorry for yourself more. i never knew prince-- >> is this a therapy session? >> this is a therapy session. i never knew prince but i know him from memories of dancing to his songs, you know what i'm saying? i remember listening to "scandalous" on the batman sounded track. great song, romantic song. i was a kid and i was like, oh, man, this is so sexy. if i had a girl-- if i knew what
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to do with a girl and my dod of body, it would be even better. ( laughter ). >> he was 28. >> i was, like, 12 years old, man. >> oh, okay. >> i was like, "dear diary." >> larry: exactly. >> captain's log glu got to see prince up close, right? >> yeah. i-- i have a great prince story, actually. i had written a big musical opening for the host of the image awards about five years ago. and i'm standing backstage and prince may or may not perform. we don't know. it's always a guess if he's going to perform. he's backstage standing next to halle berry and i was like, "my life is everything right now!" >> larry: you can't tell if it's him. >> he walks up and he's like,"great opening." and that was it. so flash forward to the end of the show. his assistant, whatever, comes
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in, just walks up this close to my face to me and my friend and goes, "prince would like to invite to you his house." oh, my god! oh, my god! >> larry: that's hilarious! just like that? >> yes. >> he did that to my wife. >> but it was like a private party. >> yeah, a private party. >> so they go, okay. you have to go to this secret location in bel air, and you park there, and you wait. and so we wait. we park there. and we wait. and then a van comes up and, the guy opens the door and he goes, "get in." and we're like, okay! so we get in. and we get taken to this windy road in bel air and come up to this house that is lit up in purple. and we walk back past-- we go into the guest house which is the size of a city, and there's purple, the symbol, the symbol of prince. and you hear oh, and he gets on
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stage and plays for four hours. and there are only maybe 30 people there. and then at the end, he comes off stage, you guys, he comes off stage, he comes off stage and he goes, "you made me laugh." >> larry: very good. >> that's what i'm talking about. >> larry: great story. all right, prince, we're going to miss you-- at least most of us. we'll be right back. ♪ when the thirst is real.
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seconds. seconds, this happened on nasesa .gov. its owe officially earth day. i want-- not one person-- not using energy to clap, so you know, we're not editing it. that is staying in. i think-- (applause) the people at home, the audience at home needs to know that the audience here was like [bleep] earth. like they need to know. (laughter) i would like to take the time to celebrate those that work

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