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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  April 28, 2016 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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to chemically... (laughter) we're so close. i'm having trouble with this transish. (laughing) um... oh, my hair. refill. (retching) my name is tracy. (laughter) (man) all right, cut. (woman) so easy. (man) mmm, magic. >> from comedy centraler headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much! i'm trevor noah. our guests, star of the new netflix movie "special correspondents," ricky gervais is here! (cheers and applause) first up, let's talk about ted
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cruz. (laughter) he's a man despised by basically everyone -- the democrats hate him, fellow republicans hate him. when babies are born, they cry because being alive means they might some day meet him. but the people who know him on a personal level are the ones who truly revile him. listen to how former republican speaker of the house john boehner talked about ted cruz yesterday. >> he absolutely tore into him calling him lucifer in the flesh. >> i have democrat friends, republican friends, i get along with almost everyone but i have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life. >> trevor: damn! lucifer in the flesh! that is so cold! on top of that, boehner just called cruz the most miserable son of a bitch he's ever worked with. do you understand, ever worked with! do you know how many terrible
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people john boehner worked with? let me put it this one, one was sent to prison and was a child molester and john boehner is like, no, trust me, kids, cruz is the worst. but apparently there is at least one person on earth still willing to spend time with ted cruz. >> i have come to the conclusion that if i am nominated to be president of the united states that i will run on a ticket with my vice presidential nominee carly fiorina. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: oh, ted cruz, you messed that up so badly, pausing for the effect, and the effect was failure. my v-v-v vice -- he messed it up so bad, before he said carly fiorina. why is ted cruz picking a runningmate? he's so far behind as close as he'll get to the white house is
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jumping the fence. you have to pick a vice president before cuff a chance to have getting president. other wise the streets would be filled to you saying, good day to you, sir, you will be my vice president. no one this far behind in the race has done that. he's like a guy who buys a yacht then a powerball ticket. the wrong order. or a guy who buys is a fedora before he accepted he's going to be a virgin forever. you accept you're going to be a vairnlgen, then buy the fedora. it's a time-honored process. if cruz will pick a runningmate, why of all people would you pick carly fiorina? >> carly is brilliant, carly has shattered glass ceilings. carly knows firsthand from decades in the business world running one of the 20 largest corporations in america, where jobs come from. (cheers and applause)
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>> trevor: uh... really? i'm not quite sure that carly's time at h.p. taught her where jobs come from. they did teach her where jobs go. they go away -- because she cut them. and i'm not sure i trust carly's expertise on where jobs come from when she just signed up for the cruz administration. that's like getting hired at blockbuster in 2012 -- guess who just got a job! ah! v.h.s. for everyone! (applause) so, ted cruz, do you have any actual good reasons for hiring carly? >> you know, there is an old adage in management that as hire as and bs hire cc. (applause) (laughter) oh, man, ted cruz...
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what happened there, cruz? i mean, normally, management adage jokes crush! what happened there? i don't know if there's one person who says, i think this is where we applaud... the crowd just wasn't behind him. what does ted cruz have to talk about to get this crowd going? >> in naming her as my vice presidential nominee, i am also telling you that she is someone you can be confident in if the occasion should arise to be commander-in-chief and keep this country safe. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: wow, those people are really applauding for the idea of cruz dying in office. even ted cruz was, like, okay, that's enough clapping. wow, that was just hypothetical. why do you have a gun? what are you doing? show down, slow down.
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(laughter) basically, ted swiped right on carly because she's a business woman with strengths. what does carly see in ted cruz that nobody else does? >> he is a principled fighter. he is a man of character and conviction. he actually is what he says he is. he is who he says he is. >> trevor: that's right... ted cruz is who he says he is, and that kind of consistency is very important to carly fiorina. >> ted cruz is just like any other politician. he says one thing in manhattan, another thing in iowa, he says whatever he needs to say to get elected... >> trevor: okay, uh, first of all, you're busted. second of all, if ted cruz says whatever he needs to get elected, then why would he say i'm running with carly fiorina? that doesn't make sense! honestly, no one can figure out why ted cruz made this move.
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was it to capitalize on carly's popularity in california or an effort into bait trump into saying something sexist about her or was it something personal? >> on the bus on the campaign trail, carly makes up songs and sings them to carolnie and catherine. >> i've come to know ted and heidi and carolnie and catherine -- ♪ i know two girls that i just adore ♪ ♪ i'm so happy i can see them more ♪ ♪ 'cause we travel on the bus all day ♪ ♪ we get to play ♪ we get to play (laughter) >> trevor: and then ted cruz's daughters are probably like -- ♪ i want to get off the bus now please ♪ ♪ she's giving me the hebey
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jeebies ♪ (laughter) hohow strange is this world? ted cruz heard that and this is what happened in his head. ♪ i know two girls that i just adore ♪ ♪ i'm so happy i can see them more ♪ ♪ 'cause we travel on the bus all day ♪ ♪ we get to play ♪ we get to play (cheers and applause) >> trevor: yeah, yeah! that's what happened! and that was the first time they kicked the judge off the voice, they're like, no more, no more. i know it's subjective but when we heard that singing at the show, we got kind of a different vibe. ♪ ♪ i know two girls that i just adore ♪ (sinister music)
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♪ i'm so happy i can see them more ♪ ♪ 'cause we travel on the bus all day ♪ ♪ we get to play ♪ we get to play >> she's here... (cheers and applause) >> trevor: we'll be right back! unlimited data from at&t means you can stream it all. like that anthony michael hall movie where he fights with the girl. the one where he gets rejected by the girl. even stream the one where he creates the girl. with unlimited data, you can stream all the anthony michael hall movies you want. i wonder what he's up to these days
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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! you know, every single day, we are getting closer and closer to realizing that donald trump is going to be one of only two real choices for president, and as te conversation is slowly shifting from he can't possibly to could he possibly? and there is two distinct opinions. >> donald trump is not presidential material. >> most people will be fired from their jobs if they did this, let alone someone running for president. >> i just don't think he can keep a lid on it. >> he is not presidential. just yesterday i was hearing on how i'm going to become presidential. i can do it. i'm, like, a really smart person like a lot of you people, and president lt is easy. you know what presidential is? i walk on --
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(laughter) (applause) so you walk on... ladies and gentlemen of wate waterbury. it is a great honor to be with you this morning... >> trevor: that's all trump thinks the presidency is? (laughter) imagine having a president who just told us his game plan ahead of time in every single situation, like after a mass shooting, trump would basically come out and say, okay, i'm going to open with grief stricken boo-hoo-hoo, then solemn, then hopeful, cue a singletary and we'll go to lunch. everyone on the same page? okay, here we go... another tragedy, for more insight, joined by senior trump analyst roy wood, jr., everybody! (cheers and applause) >> roy: what's up, african?
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>> trevor: how you doing, roy? you have been following trump this past year, how are you feeling about his fitness for the oval office. >> roy: honestly, trevor, trump doesn't belong in the white house. donald trump belongs in a rap video. >> trevor: what? >> roy: everything trump says is straight out of a rapper's play book. he bags about his money, disrespectful to woman and there is always fights at his concerts. >> trevor: just because trump is flamboyant, it doesn't make him a rapper. he's just saying stuff. >> yeah, the same way rappers just say stuff. do you really think jay-z has 99 problems? he's a billionaire. at the most, he's got 12 problems. >> trevor: okay, what about "lemonade." >> okay, 13. here's the thing. if you don't believe me, just read these actual trump quotes and tell me they don't sound like rap. >> trevor: i'm very rich. i have a great relationship with the blacks. i never liked bette midler's
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persona. >> ooh! that's beef right there, man! that's the rap game! >> trevor: i know. you got to come at somebody! >> trevor: that doesn't sound like rap to me. >> that's because you was reading it in an australian accent -- oh, yes, i have a great relationship with the african-americans -- >> trevor: that's not how i sound. >> carry on, i have a great relationship -- (laughter) you could make an entire rap song with donald trump quotes. all you need is a dope beat (dope beat) ♪ ♪ been killing our country. ♪ lying ted cruz ♪ i never liked beer sewn nay. i have black guys counting my money ♪ ♪ i'm not mitt romney ♪ i'm the only candidate ♪ make america great again
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♪ beautiful liberty's hands ♪ i win always win ♪ some people say i'm very very intelligent ♪ ♪ mexico is not our friend ♪ build a wall for the mexicans ♪ ♪ check me out democrats they love me ♪ ♪ check me out, these muslims love me ♪ ♪ these women love me ♪ megyn kelly love me ♪ illegals love me ♪ veterans love me ♪ even love me (ringing) >> 360, what good? if megyn kelly stopped talking about me, her ratings would drop. got to go, man. ♪ have a great relationship with the blacks ♪ ♪ politicians talking ♪ all the women flirted with me ♪ ♪ we have to have a wall done ♪ who's doin' the rapein'
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♪ check me out democrats love me ♪ ♪ check me out the muslims love me ♪ ♪ these women love me ♪ everybody love menote megyn kelly love me ♪ ♪ illegals love me ♪ veterans love me ♪ protesters love me ♪ everybody love me ♪ i'm so good looking ♪ i'm really rich ♪ part of the beauty of me is i'm very rich ♪ ♪ don't respect women ♪ they know it's the opposite ♪ arianna huffington is unattractive ♪ ♪ happy easter to all ♪ i never seen a thin person drinking diet coke ♪ (cheers and applause) >> trevor: roy wood, jr., aka bad trump, everybody! we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) this is a fingerprint.
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and with touch id it does way more than unlock your phone. it logs you into things, like your bank account. see what i mean? it checks you into your flight. ooop, your phone! it pays for stuff like... (mouth full) doughnuts. how about chew then talk. it unlocks things for you. it signs documents for you. hey, you bought a boat! i bought a boat! i just said that. and it does this. yeah, it starts your car. so now we're just starting cars with our fingerprints. just. whoa. hey, can we get some beers? beer! ice cold beer! what beer? ummmm... redd's apple ale! i'll take one too. me too! hey! redd's apple ale! redd's apple ale. crisp like an apple. brewed like a beer.
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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back! my guest tonight is the comedian and star of the in effect movie "special correspondents." >> i thought we would agree you would let her sweat. >> i know. i was going to let her know we're going to ecuador, a war-torn country. >> you do cool great, that's why i'm so confident having you as my only support in these scary, dangerous, hostile places like having my own john wayne. listen to me you blu bumbling f. these are your problems not mine. >> one, two. not a problem, thanks for your help. >> trevor: please welcome, ricky gervais! (cheers and applause)
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♪ >> wow, wow. >> trevor: i cannot believe it. ricky gervais is sitting across from me. >> hello. how's it going. >> trevor: it is going good. better now that you're here. i have been following you for years. i've heard you are in movies and apparently you did some tv show thing. i actually came across you -- >> you're very young, aren't you? how old are you? >> trevor: 12. you look very young. >> trevor: i came across you on instagram. you are an instagram model. (laughter) this is where i discovered ricky gervais. yeah, beautiful picture of you there. he's the one in the middle. that's him, very, very handsome. i believe that you said that was your kim kardashian.
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>> yeah, but those are real. >> trevor: this is so good. i'm such a huge fan of yours. >> thank you very much. >> trevor: you must have heard about me and been like, yeah, come to the show. >> i knew at the building, yeah. where are you from? >> trevor: south africa. rings a bell. i've heard of it. i have heard of it, actually, because i'm a real dog person, i love dogs, and there's a breed of dog called south african ridgeback, so i've heard of it. other things as well. (laughter) this is amazing, right? this south african ridgeback was bred to hunt lions. i can't believe they're happy with that because dogs are bred to do jobs. that's why they love the job, because it's genetic, okay? but i can't believe without handing out the jobs -- a bloat with a clip board probably said
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lalabradors, you get a duck whei shoot it. the lab says, i love that. jack russell, can you get a rabbit in a role? yeah, definitely. ridgeback, you're hunting lions. what? >> you're hunting lions. lions? yeah. (bleep) that. (laughter) >> trevor: at the golden gloarks you talked about lying, celebrities are profits at lying, tart of lying and in this movie you are lying as well. ricky gervais plays a news man who losings his passport and fakes it all. >> i'm a put of a putz. we're meant to cover a war in ecuador. i lose my passport and we fake the war. i hide in a spanish restaurant
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and we make fake the whole war. we get carried away and it gets out of hand and we get out of it so we don't get to jail. it's about finding a little bit about what people do to be famous. i like to think i'm obsessed with truth. that's what i'd like you to say (laughter) >> trevor: depends on how you look at it. you never put the truth in the sense you said, like, lying. >> yeah, fair enough. >> trevor: so i'll do that from now on. >> okay. >> trevor: like, we can do that. i apologize, i would have gone with truth. >> no, fair enough. >> trevor: and i think you could have mentioned that after the interview so it wouldn't lose energy -- you could have said that as a footnote like, hey, mention truth, because now we're in the interview and you said that, now the energy sort of -- >> but do you know what? i don't care. because i've come to the age where i'm just looking forward
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to death. i've done -- i could sit here in a bucket, getting drunk, and i'd let you edit around it. (laughter) >> trevor: that should have been the interview. if i knew that was an option -- >> yeah, next time. >> trevor: next seem you sit here in a bucket (bleep) drunk. >> in a bucket of beer. >> trevor: you sit in a bucket for the entire show and we'll do the show with ricky gervais in a bucket of beer. >> oh, my god! >> trevor: we'll just do the show. >> that's like an old victorian freak show. >> trevor: we can do that. hat would be great! and i could be, nurse! empty it! i've gone again! (laughter) i love the fact you put all this work into this great h political show, really great insightful pieces, 25 researchers working all day to do the show and i come out and sit in drunk in a
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(bleep) bucket! (laughter) >> trevor: "special correspondents," friday april 29, in effect, ricky gervais, eve ♪ oh ♪ with a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of ♪ ♪ i said, it's getting hot in herre ♪ so many flavors to love. lime-a-rita. the bold margarita. unlimited data from at&t means you can stream it all. like that anthony michael hall movie where he fights with the girl. the one where he gets rejected by the girl. even stream the one where he creates the girl. with unlimited data, you can stream all the anthony michael hall movies you want. i wonder what he's up to these days maybe he's shopping in an at&t store? get unlimited data and your fourth line free when you have at&t wireless and directv. plus, up to $650 in credits to help you switch.
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whatever the hell number of ed by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry! larry! larry! >> larry: thank you very much. welcome to "nightly show." so kind. please, please, ple


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