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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  May 19, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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>> my name is joe biden. i love ice cream. captioned by media access group at wgbh comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you very much! welcome to "the nightly show." thank you very much! >> larry! larry! larry! thank you so much. i'm larry wilmore. please have a seat.
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what a crowd, man. you know it's a good crowd when they're not just going larry. they're going, "larry! larry!" you okay, man? i appreciate it my brother. i said brother, i said brother. i am larry wilmore. comedian and actor paul scheer is here tonight. very excited about that. i have to tell you i'm excited about tonight's show. you know what? because we're going to be talking about weed in a new segment i like to call "larry's dank news stash." all right, we begin with the nfl. >> medical marijuana use is allowed in 24 states and the district of columbia, but for athletes in the nfl, using marijuana goes against their substance abuse policy. one player is looking to change that.
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>> larry: he should be trying to change their approach to that other abuse policy, but that's neither here nor there. neither here nor there. not talking about that. but the nfl should love the idea of marijuana and football because it's the only way to make league sponsor papa john's seem edible. right, right? that's a good thing. all right, so who is this player trying to turn the clean-cut nfl into burning man? >> baltimore ravens offensive tackle eugene monroe wants the nfl to allow medical marijuana for players with football injuries, arguing that medical marijuana could help treat chronic pain and is a far better, healthier, and less- addictive option than opioids. >> larry: great, just what the giants need to get slower and less motivated. ( laughter ) ( applause ) sorry, giants. now, we've talked about the dangers of opioids on the show before. consult your "nightly show
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almanac" to get further information, but they have ensnared almost two million americans and, guys, i don't mean to bum you out, but opioids may have taken prince from us. it's awful, right? meanwhile, the only bad thing pot has ever done is turn seth rogen into a movie star. right? so i'm just saying. potato. pot. ( laughter ) pot-oh. so if a grown man wants to take something that is legal in his state, prescribed by a doctor to ease his pain, especially one that doesn't make you faster or bigger, why should it matter to the league? i mean, what's the concern? is the nfl worried tom brady's going to wander off during a crucial drive to go follow phish around the country or something? or is the league scared players will snicker amongst themselves whenever there's four minutes and twenty seconds left in a quarter? question for you, nfl: why are concussions the only acceptable way for a guy to lose brain
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cells? hmmm? hmmm? let them smoke? too soon? too soon? probably. okay, time for another hit of "larry's dank news stash." ( laughter ) that's just strange. okay. dude, check it out. i think grandma's high! >> seniors are becoming less secretive and more serious about their cannabis consumption. the 55 and older crowd-- that's not old-- is now the fastest growing demographic of pot users in the country. between 2013 and 2014, the number increased from 2.8 million to 4.3 million. >> larry: wow. wait? 55? isn't that when the senior discount at denny's kicks in? coincidence? did you guys just hear reverb? that was weird. so, basically, instead of getting their prescriptions
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filled at walgreens, your grandparents are now getting them filled at the bus stop next to walgreens. that's a pretty good deal. look, as far as i'm concerned, old people should be able to have all the weed they want. right? ( applause ) they have paid their dues, man! if anybody-- are you kidding me, greatest generation is entitled to a powerful buzz, and not just the one they get from forgetting to split their heart medication in half, right. okay, i think we got one more story in "larry's dank news stash." shockingly, this marijuana news comes from colorado. >> pot smokers in colorado are helping send kids to college. ( applause ) >> larry: oh. that makes sense, because the
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only thing that can make you feel smarter than a college education is weed. "bro, i think i just figured out the meaning of life." >> scholarships paid for with marijuana taxes. pueblo county is now telling students it's time to apply for that money. they're looking for pueblo high school seniors who plan to stay in pueblo for college. >> larry: okay, so this pot scholarship is only for kids who want to stay in their home town? well, if there's one thing weed can help with, it's not going anywhere. >> analysts say the colorado growers and buyers pay more than $135 million dollars in taxes last year. >> larry: they paid it, of course, to the "high-r-s." yeah. thank you. worked on that one day, y'all. look, whether you're for or against drugs, we can all agree that if this can help kids get an education without mortgaging their future with heavy debt, then as a society, that's got to
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make us feel good, right. not because we helped them accomplish their goals, but because we just smoked all that weed. here to outline the details of how the scholarship program works is pueblo county comptroller, slade kinnebrew. ( applause ) >> oh, are we on? >> larry: yes, slade. in november, lawmakers said that the weed tax would provide 400 scholarships to high school seniors. that's pretty good. but now that number is only 25. so what happened? >> i'm just the comptroller. what do you want me to do, balance the budget? >> larry: yes, that's literally your job. >> yeah, touche. >> larry: touche? >> it's french for "touch." >> larry: i don't think that's true. >> but last time i checked, 25 was a lot more than zero. yeah, me messed up maybe a little bit, but we are high.
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>> larry: i'm shocked. but students are still getting $1,000 each, right? >> yeah, man! we're talking full ride to harvard time, man. >> larry: you can't pay for harvard with $1,000. >> harvard junior college, man. >> larry: there is no harvard junior college. what happened? >> we smoked all our profits, dude? >> you smoked the profits? >> yup, we've got a full-on deficit. we're going to have to tax the tax, larry. >> larry: >> larry: you can't tax the tax. >> stopping yelling at me. it's not my fault, man. i didn't ask for this! >> larry: yes, you did, you ran for office! >> i did? whoa. >> larry: slade kinnebrew, we're not learning anything, everybody. everybody. we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. a lawsuit left over from the jim crow era in the deep south looks like it has finally come to a conclusion. >> a federal court is ordering a mississippi town to fully desegregate its schools. this is the culmination of a 50-year fight against the justice department. black and white students are largely separated in cleveland. under the order, the town's two high schools must become one. >> larry: a school that's finally being integrated after 50 years! oh, moon guys when we first heard
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this story, we were so pumped up to do this! this was right in our wheelhouse. we even wrote a sketch about it. >> "i gets to go to a white school? thank ya, jesus! >> larry: actually, mike, we're not doing the sketch because something about the way this story was being reported just didn't sit right with me. which brings me to a new segment called: "hang on a minute, news! this don't feel right in my bones!" so it felt like the news reports were saying that this was the case of an all-white school versus an all-black school and that the town was going to integrate the two into one, like some sort of fantastic racial harmony voltron. ( laughter ) but that's not all that's happening here. let's look at the facts. at cleveland high school, about half of the students are white. meanwhile, east side high school, situated across railroad tracks in a less-affluent section of town, is nearly all black. that's right-- the all-black high school is literally on the wrong side of the tracks, earning this week's "on the nose" award. ♪ ♪
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i salute you. but, wait, if students are already integrated into the white school, why is being covered like this? >> a federal court order to entigration. >> desegregate. >> desegregate. >> ordering the two schools to desegregate. i mean, they're making it sound like george wallace giving his inaugural address in 1963. "segregation now! segregation tomorrow! segregation forever!" right? that's what it sounds like to me, right? but the problem is not black students aren't being allowed in the white school. it's because white students aren't going on the other side of the tracks to attend the black school. "but, larry, how could that be?" well, over the last 50 years, east side high school, the historically black one, has vastly fewer resources. until recently, east side had no a.c.t. test prep, no science textbooks for students to take
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home. and get this-- no lockers. what kind of a school doesn't have lockers? where are these kids supposed to hang up their "tiger beat" with larry wilmore on the cover? right? ( applause ) where is that supposed to go? and where are they supposed to shove the nerds? which, ironically, is anyone who has a "tiger beat" with larry wilmore on the cover. ( laughter ) all right, but here's my point: this story is really about the city's failure to take care of the all-black school, not about the half-white school's inability to desegregate. that school has both black and white students. call it halle perihigh, if you will. sorry, i just use any excuse to bring up halle berry. hey, boo. ( laughter ) just racially mixed. it works. look, no one wants to send their child to an under-performing school, regardless of race. so when these two schools are so close to each other, and yet one is so dramatically less equipped, it's no longer about "brown vs. board of education." it's about "brown vs. a quality education." and that's the real story that
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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show" contributor ricky velez. ( cheers and applause ) and "nightly show" contributor mike yard. ( cheers and applause ) and his new show for fullscreen's s.v.o.d. service, "filthy preppy teen$," is available now, welcome back comedian paul scheer. ( cheers and applause ) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightly show using the hashtag #tonightly. >> as we talked about earlier in the show, senior citizens are the fastest growing demographic of pot users in the country. it's amazing.
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but half of america is still against legalizing pot. my question is, should we just let old people who paid their dues to society do what they want? >> yes, old people are having a second spring break in life. they have boner pills. they're getting high. it used to be they'd go there on die but now it's to party. >> larry: it's like the final thing. >> exactly. >> i have no problem with it. you live long enough, you should be able to do what you want to do. >> do what you want to do, if you want to smoke, if you want to shoot -- >> shoot, shoot people. >> then do it. >> larry: heroin? >> whatever you want to do. >> larry: really? >> when you're older it is easier to find a vein. >> that's a very good point. >> the only problem i have with old people smoking weed is, you if you think they drive slow down, wait-- can you imagine a bunch of old people weeded on
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the street? i want these old people to understand weed, like, upgrades apple products. >> larry: what do you mean? >> it just keeps getting stronger and stronger. don't smoke it thinking you're smoking 60s weed. that's not the same weed. no, it's science weed now, it's science "n." >> larry: like bio weed. >> before they were smoking a little bit of weed. now they'll be down for the count now. >> yeah! >> i don't know what you're talking about, that weed in the old days made people travel across the country on foot okay to go to a peace concert. i don't know what you're talking about. >> that's how you know it's not good, though. smoke this weed, and go exercise. >> actually, i do exercise on weed. it is the best thing. >> do you feel focused? >> yes, i feel everything, man. >> and then you realized there were no weights in the room the
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whole time. >> you have two dorito bags in your hand. feel the burb! >> larry: i remember when i was a killed one of the supposed deterrents was to try to keep you off was they always said it's a gateway drug. do you buy that? >> it's only a gaept way drug to make tv more interesting. >> larry: that's the gateaway. >> to make tv better. if you want to watch yo, gabba, gab ait's great. it's weird, because -- >> you don't think if you start early it might-- >> it wiers off or something and you want more, stronger? >> larry: i don't mean early in the day. if you're a teenager and you do marijuana, are you more than likely to try other drugs? >> but don't you think this when you're drinking, you're not trying anything harder than drinking. you have people continuing to drink. it's not like drinking leads to heroin. >> larry: because drinking does its job. >> oh, yeah.
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weed is-- >> yeah, man, weed works, larry. >> larry: another all right. i don't know what he's talking g about. >> larry: you're saying that-- it's not a gateway that-- >> it's not. it's a gateway to a job on comedy central. ( cheers and applause ) >> i don't agree eye don't know. maybe it's just me, but not that this is cool, the first time i smoked weed i was in little league. >> larry: little league. how old were you? >> larry: you smoked during the game? >> no. before the game -- >> larry: how old were you? >> 10. >> larry: you were 10 years old? >> the first time i smoked weeds. i was in the islands. it's different. don't judge us! don't judge us. >> st. croix. >> larry: did anybody else on your team smoke weed? >> everything smoked. >> nobody ever hit a ball.
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>> the games lasted long as hell. >> here's the thing, all your friends that you know that smoke weed are, they doing any harder drugs? >> no. >> the majority, no. >> i never tried anything else. >> larry: what do you think is the biggest societal fear about marijuana? what is the big resistance to wanting to make it legal? >> i don't know what the fear. >> my doctor told mow it's lowering my sperm count. and i was like that is dope because the baby is this high right now. ( applause ) >> i gotta tell you, i don't know what the fears are now because as far as i'm concerned there is no fear. but this is what they use -- >> no societal fear. >> this is what they use to scare people into making weed illegal. this is the words of the commissioner of the treasure department's federal bureau of narcotics in 1930.
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he said if you use marijuana,ul first fall fallinto a delirious rage. then you will be gripped by dreams of an erotic character. then you will lose the power of connected thought. finally, you will reach the inevitable end, end point, insanity. what kind of weed was he smoking. >> 1930 weed. >> 1930 weed. >> that's p.c.p., man. this is what they told people what weed would do to you. >> larry: no wonder there was a great depression with all that weed. >> if you look at amsterdam air, country where there is tons of weed, that is not a country where you look at and think i'm scared of that country. there's nothing to be scared of. nice peaceful people smoke weed. >> most countries that legalize drugs, drug use goes down. that's fact. you can look that up. >> larry: okay.
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>> he challenges you to look it up. upon. >> larry: mike doesn't substantiate it. he says, "you look up." what about the nfl? do-- are you cool with players being able to smoke weed? >> listen, i hang out way few nfl players. they smoke weed. >> larry: did you just out a couple nfl-- >> no, i didn't say which ones. >> larry: nfl or n.b.a. players. >>s this is the only thing, i think n.b.a. because remember when robert parish of the celtics got caught with weed. he had a duffel bag full of weed and he was going away for the weekend. >> i can't tell you who smokes more, football players or basketball players. but i can tell you the best sport to play when you're high. basketball. i ain't running into nobody when i'm high. can you imagine being high and playing football. after three plays you're like, what are we doing?"
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>> "why are we fighting with each other?" >> "i'll give him the ball, you give me the ball. we don't have to fight over this." >> larry: we'll be right back. the bud light party believes in change. that's why bud light has a new look... ...and we want to share it with everyone... jackpot! still the same refreshing bud light. with a new look. if you travel as much as i do, you travel a obvious.
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if you're four times better than you used to be and you're still not the best, your tagline should be, "not as rubbish as we were." (vo) only verizon is the nation's most awarded wireless network ever. and now if you buy an lg g5, you get one free. "daddy doing work",d it's funny that i've been in the news for being a dad. windows 10 is great because i need to keep organized. school, grocery shopping. my face can unlock this computer. that's crazy. macbooks are not able to do that. "hey cortana, remind me we have a play date tomorrow at noon" i need that in my world. anything that makes my life easier, i'm using. and windows is doing that. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thanks to my panelists, ricky velez,
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mike yard, and paul scheer. we're almost out of time, but before we go i'm gonna keep it a hundred. tonight's question is from an audience member named ramon. let's take a look. >> hey, larry, which reality star would make the best politician, caitlyn jenner, omorasa, or honey boo? keep it 100. >> larry: oh, okay. we already have a big orange honey boo running right now. so honey boo is the obvious choice. thanks ff watching. good nightly, everyone! give me a harder question. challenge me! challenge me! it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, the gawker isn't just that show with omar that you set your watch so you di


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