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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  June 28, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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seconds-- this happened on youtube! we're almost half way through 2016 or the year of no chill i have been calling it. so many high level things going on. maybe there will be a global catastrophe. maybe things will be okay. we don't know. we don't [beep] know. [laughing] >> chris: let's see. there is presidential elections. could be the end of america as we know it or leave it all behind. we don't [beep] know. is the environment okay or will we drowned in a super tsunami? we don't [beep] know.
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will the latest vote for the u.k. to leave the union -- will it be okay? we don't know. what about the olympics it is human spirit or [beep]. we don't know. we don't know anything right now. it could be okay. with the uncertainty is seems like the only rock we have these days is the rock. dwayne john. he's our life boat. [ applause ] >> chris: everything. everything will be okay with the rock around. girls want to date him. guys want to be him and also want to date him. last thursday he released a trailer announcing his new youtube channel. what a great time to get in on the youtube craze, 2016. [laughing] >> chris: i like to wait until year eleven to get in on stuff. this is how much we love the rock. i moved him into our top eight on myspace. that's how much i love the rock.
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[ applause ] >> chris: let's take a look and see how it's all okay. >> once a generation there comes an event so epic it dominates our culture. >> i should start a youtube channel. >> ya, but first rock has to clear his -- his bruising history. [laughing] >> chris: alright. ya. right, right. [cheers and applause] crist that's how (/ bleep/ ) cool the rock is-- he can make you excited about a youtube channel! in 2016. not to mention, he even tossed us a perfect joke setup alley oop! comedians, what embarrassing items might you find in the rock's browser history? mike phirman, go. >> he googled, am i vin diesel. chris: robin thede. >> can you still get pubic lice if you're totally shaved.
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>> chris: alright. [laughing] >> chris: gregory bush. >> can you diagnose what the rock is growing. [laughing] >> chris: it's an interesting question. it's time to captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: his new single "you've got what it takes" is currently #1 on the sirius xm kids music charts, guest starring on "hidden america" on "seeso," it's mike phirman. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i have a question, motorcycle. mike phirman, one of my oldest friends in the world. mike and i have been best friends since like 1900s. 1991. what is going on in your life, mike? >> i can't complain. you would probably edit it out if i did. [laughing] >> for instance i have a neighbor. >> chris: from "the nightly show with larry wilmore" on comedy
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central, performing at maxfuncon east in pocono manor, september 2nd through the 4th, it's robin thede. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome. >> thank you, very much. >> chris: performing at the "punchline" in san francisco july 28th through the 30th, it's greg proops. [cheers and applause] >> chris: excellent. now we start the program. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." here's a list of things we yanked out of the cloud. is and putting now before you on this program. i don't know if this is a coincidence. two weeks after "@midnight" starts to awe r. air in the u.k. it [beep] imploded. i don't claim or want to be to e annoying to british friends and be another loud mouth american
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talking about their politics. however it's fun for us as americans saying we didn't [beep] up this time. it's kind of funny when someone else does it. but as an outside observer it appears a lot of people voted over there with emotion and didn't quite understand what they were voting for, maybe. as americans we say, yes we do understand that. we do understand that. we are kinderred spirits. first up "donald of orange" speaking of american ignorance, sun-dried tomato donald trump showed up in scotland on friday to promote his local golf courses and, to demonstrate just how little he understands about the world around him, he tweeted. "just arrived in scotland. place is going wild over the vote. they took their country back, just like we will take america back. no games!"
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of course golf is a game i'm here to promote right now. i don't know, this is something donald wasn't aware of. scotland voted against it all with a wide margin against brexit. scotland voted to stay [beep] you toupee trumpet. oh, this is one of thousands ... also, scotland voted to state you witless [beep] [beep]. scotland voted [beep] [beep] you weasel headed nugget. scotland hates both brexit and you. [cheers and applause]
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[beep] >> chris: i love scotland. >> amazing. chris: well as least one delusional scott supports trump on twitter, scott bayo. comedians in light of the [beep] and trumpeting give me a scottish style trumpet. >> you -- pwao +*ef [beep] badg. chris: points. mike phirman. >> you can take your piss soaked raccoon wig and tell with your wee hands but you will never take our freedom! >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: robin thede. >> go to hell you cantaloupe colored giz bagpipe. that was dead on that accent. >> chris: that's the end of
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"rapid refresh" it's time for the #wars. [cheers and applause] some economists say that if the british economy is weakened by brexit, it could significantly reduce the cost of your upcoming uk vacation. the british economy might be so in the "loo," which is their word for "(/ bleep/ )," that you'll be able to air bnb a room in buckingham palace, or buy tacos made with meat from queen elizabeth's beloved corgis. that's why tonight's hashtag is #visitbritainbecause. examples maybe #cold play lives in la now and the queen is looking for a new [beep] boy. mike. >> it will be on fire in two months. >> chris: greg. >> we're planning on getting our teeth fixed. >> chris: mike -- >> [beep] [laughing] >> a del is there and seems sad. chris: give her a hug,
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points. robin. >> when black people get pulled over it's on the left. it's easier to escape. >> chris: points. mike phirman. >> it's a lot harder to join the groups in germany. >> chris: robin. >> [beep] >> american beer -- chris: oh, yes. >> greg is not standing for our outrage. robin. >> american beer can too cold and delicious i like that warm [beep]. >> chris: points. mike phirman. >> if i understand it correctly they love foreigners. [laughing] >> chris: points, points. greg. >> because we still have two beatles. >> chris: yes, nice. perfect. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #visitbritainbecause and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. >> chris: our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag. war was sent to us by @r4
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play "hard and firms." [cheers and applause] >> chris: i'm sorry. if you run into legal troubles, you should hire the best attorneys you can afford, or just hire some dorks with stupid names. comedians, we're going to show you the website of a questionably named law firm and for 250 points you're going to answer a question about them. first up, "butts and johnson." what might their bus bench slogan be? robin. >> we'll stick the law in any hole. >> chris: points. mr. proops. >> you have been rear ended [beep]. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> very good. very good. [cheers and applause] >> chris: we should just shut down all cable television after that joke. it will never get better than that. next up.
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legal problems? call justin bieber! what could be a line from one of justin bieber's closing arguments? mike. >> i assure you my client is innocent or my name is not very unfortunately justin bieber. >> chris: greg. >> ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have shagged selina gomez. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> your witness mr. hardwick. chris: no questions at this time. >> objection. >> sustained. >> over ruled. chris: he has us on a technicality. >> that's how the law works. >> chris: next one, "the offices of boring and boring." [laughing] >> oh, good. what's a case "boring and boring" might handle? robin. >> gweneth paltrow's attempt to trademark white privilege. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: yes. mike. >> brown versus the board. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> topical. chris: objection i guess. the state -- [laughing] >> chris: next up, who better to handle your legal problems than "young and white?" >> who better to handle those problems. [ applause ] what kinds of cases might young and white specialize in? greg. >> people rightfully killed by the police. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: points. >> oh, man. chris: you know i don't know if you're aware down the hall of
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"boring and boring" are the law offices of "slaughter and slaughter" personal injury law. [cheers and applause] >> oh, god. chris: request a free consultation, nope. as a lawyer at slaughter law do a line from your local tv spheurbl. robin. >> slaughter and slaughter, if oj got off why can't you. >> chris: that's the end of hard and firms. it's time for our live challenge "i will fight for you" we've seen a lot of horribly named law firms today, but nothing is more horrible than the fact that none of them had a sufficiently hilarious local commercial, like this one by roger orlando, who i assume insists on only doing one take of everything. >> now, you won't find me understand, in front of, and certainly not standing on top of a truck.
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where you will find me is in the court room. [laughing] >> chris: to the untrained eye he looks like he forgot his lines, but i can tell you, as a professional broadcaster myself: he was pausing to rip a shrimp fart. jack, can we roll that again with our audio enhancer? >> now, you won't find me under, in front of and certainly not standing on top of a truck. "ssshhhrimmp (. >> chris: i know a shrimp fart when i hear one. that was a shrimp fart. >> how has he not been on a truck. >> chris: why is he in front of a camera right now. comedians, your challenge is to create your own low-budget law firm commercial. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! more @midnight! [cheers and applause]
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you never believed in fairytales. knights in shining armor or happily ever after. but you believed when the right one came along, you'd be ready. time to shine. orbit.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break we saw a deliciously awkward local law firm commercial and i asked you
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to make your own. let's see what you came up with. robin, let's start with you. >> hi i'm -- are you tired of getting caught drunk driving. well, drive faster. [laughing] >> here is the thing, i can't guarantee to get you off. if you do get arrested shots on me. shots, shots, shots! bring my car around. mama is fine to drive. i need a burrito. [cheers and applause] >> chris: seems like a fine law firm. gregorgreg proops. >> you have been up on a drug charge. i will let them know whose line it was. i'm a good lawyer. [cheers and applause] >> chris: mike phirman
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>> hi, you have been griefiously injured on a on the job construction accident. did it result in the loss of your left hand by a hydraulic compressor. if the answer is yes. i have one thing to say to you. me too. [laughing] >> i'm a good listener, i feel your pain and your phantom pain. call me mike phirman, i will be your right hand man. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> that was good. i would hire you. >> chris: i find law firm kpheblz need more amputee puns. a thousand points to mike phirman. 500 to greg and robin. to the next game. "overheard at catcon." "overheard at catcon." cat lovers gathered in downtown
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l.a. this weekend for the second annual catcon to discuss pressing issues like declawing, overpopulation, and coping with the reality that all your furniture smells like piss. [laughing] >> chris: yes. as someone who religiously attends comic con, often in costume, i just want to say to all the attendees of catcon: i appreciate -- i feel a lot better. comedians, what's something you might have overheard if you attended this year's adorable widdle convention? mike proops. >> i don't want liver, i don't want chicken, please don't deliver. >> chris: points. robin. >> has anyone seen my long hair the pussy. >> chris: points. mike phirman. >> i would love to get your number. what the hell is that little red dot. >> chris: points. greg proops. >> who do you have to blow to get tender vittels around here. >> anything you lick you buy.
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>> put it on my taby. chris: points. proops. >> garfield hit on me in the bathroom. >> chris: points. robin. >> does anyone have a rest room i can go dump in some sand. >> chris: that's the end of "overheard at catcon." robin, you're in last place, i'm sorry. any last words before going to the 11:30 slot. >> thanks for everything. chris: red line. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that means it's time to keep on keepin' on. it's for the win. as britain deals with the fallout of having voted themselves into a (/ bleep/ ) show, a relevant blast-from-the-past has shown up at a u.k. auction: one of the original "keep calm and carry on" posters is going up for sale this week for 20,000
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-- 21,000 pounds. use t. use to be a lot of money. yes, now is a good time to invest in brit coins. my advice to you. these posters were made by british government to calm the public in the case of a nazi invasion during world war two, and now they mostly inspire people to get through their zumba class without throwing up. but with all the trouble going on in the u.k. right now, i feel let's beat the horse further. comedians, i want you to come up with a new "keep calm and carry on" poster for a brexited u.k. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause] the two x's on the dos equis label are roman numerals for "siglo veinte". spanish for 20th century... but you don't want a spanish lesson, you want news about the next most interesting man in the world. well, don't we all. at our house, we're always down for more... case in point: our handcrafted skydiving chamber.
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small fry. nobody even knows your name... but that's about to change. time to shine. orbit. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break i told you about an original "keep calm and carry on" poster that's up for sale, and i asked you to update it for a post-brexit u.k. let's see what you came up with. first one ... keep calm and carry ron. my dog ron is quadriplegic and sensitive. [cheers and applause] >> chris: very timely. very timely. or ... keep calm we're not greece. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: number two, who is number two? gregorgreg proops has won the
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internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be paul scheer, jensen karp, and jade catta-preta. until then i think everything will be okay. hopefully we will be here tomorrow and we will keep trucking through like everything is fine. #visitbritainbecause and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and [ cheers and applause ] let's start the show off tonight by talking about a real-life rapist -- this guy, brock turner overdrive from stanford. [ laughter ] that's what i call him. he's a rapist. you know how you know it's a fact? because i'm allowed to point to this picture on television and yell, "this guy is a rapist!" and i'm not being tackled by a comedy central lawyer right now.

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