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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  August 25, 2016 9:16am-9:50am PDT

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captioning made possible by comedy central. captioned by mccaptioning services seconds. this happened on! the olympic games has officially kicked off and it's already got everyone talking-- about this greased up athlete from tonga. >> he's not greased up, he just stepped outside in rio. the slippery tongan flag bearer, pita taufatofua, took time out his day job as a human roto-rooter to march in the parade of nations during the opening ceremonies. this was the most excited people have gotten about a greased up polynesian since this entrance at the last olympics.
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oh, we smell it. the >> chris: the internet naturally exploded with adoration for this lubed up hunk, since it seems like tonga has already taken the lead in lady-boners, what are some events that this heavily lubricated tongan will be competing in? jason biggs go. >> rolling around in your popcorn to make it more delicious. >> go. >> in and out of tight places and in and out is needed. >> the [bleep] cathalon. >> chris: it's time to start "@midnight" during the olympics.
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welcome. tonight's comedians are jace -- jason biggs is back. and performing at the comedy fest beth stelling is here. >> chris: his new stand-up album "mainstream american comic" is available now on itunes & amazon, it's hari kondabolu. let's start with the internet headlines with rapid refresh and a list of things that will make you want to log on all night long. first lucille baller. celeron, new york was accosted by a tribute statue which the
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townspeople quickly named scary lucy. aaah. let me perform at the club with you ricky. you may remember we launched to have her brought to the study where i love lucy was filmed right here. i feel like we are 100% living up to the comedy legacy. i didn't even say it with a straight face. anyway, one of our fans put this sign on her, bring lucy home was the hashtag. two guys went to a town hall meeting and asked, can we have that? and they were like, [bleep] off. it's now a year later they finally replaced scary lucy with this beautiful statue. this is botox lucy.
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i don't know if i like it. >> it's better. >> it's the kind of lady that would body shame scary lucy. >> they captured the feeling of what it was like to be married to desi i think. >> chris: now since we tried to get the statue from celeron and wouldn't give it to us what can the horrifying statue be used for now? >> tim burton's fluffer. >> larry king's next wife. >> chris: jason. >> drill a hole in its mouth. i'll take it.
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[laughter] >> chris: i smell another "american pie" sequel. >> have you heard something? >> chris: all right. next up america's next top ramen a major story on the internet, kylie jenner's delicious ramen creations will blow your mind. probably not. moving on. it will blow something. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for an audio quiz and after seeing people throw javelins it's not that action packed but this morning a memorable moment from a 2015 southeast asian games magically
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resurfaced on twitter. let's take a listen. all right. it's very quick but is a filipino diver or a taiwan ease sprinter getting caned for coming in last. the answer may surprise you. beth stelling. >> the filipino diver. >> chris: this is my favorite thing to watch. >> oh. >> chris: in slow motion. what about a third angle. >> that would be like if i broke into an international competition and ran up to the diving board --
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>> chris: now diving for the philippines jayce -- jason biggs. >> chris: the next brought it home. do you even understand that everyone in this room can compete on their team? like already all of us are better than that. both divers scored 0.0 from the judge. >> no? >> chris: i know it's hard to believe. >> i would give points just for them being in those tiny bikinis. >> chris: that's the end of rapid refresh. it's now time for the hashtag wars.
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we've been goofing on the summer games a lot today largely because the zombie apom -- apom lips is apocalypse is going to start there and we wanted to start with the theme and this is legally all we can play. since we don't have access to a proper theme song we'll create our own the hashtag are olympic songs. an example are "you give love a badminton" [laughter] >> chris: thank you. that's my the group bon jovelin. >> the one-two. >> chris: i know, and gin and juicing. >> judo really want to hurt me.
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>> chris: beth stelling. >> when i think about you i touch my phelps. >> gymnastic as i want to be. >> steroids to heaven. >> smells like teen gymnast. >> i shut put the sheriff. >> chris: hari. >> girls, girls, girls, volleyball. >> chris: jason. >> usain in the membrane. >> chris: tag us @midnight.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: it is time to play serving face. it's it makes you see faces in regular objects like this sexually aroused plug. >> his feet are just straight up in the air. >> chris: and it's super dangerous when his [bleep] gets wet. uber dangerous. we rounded up the best comedians and we rounded up objects and you tell me what this thing is saying. first the happy house. beth stelling. >> you can come inside me the book door's open.
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[laughter] >> was that voice alarming. >> chris: i can just imagine some deadbeat dad mobile home driving away. i'm going for cigarettes. jason? >> sweet, the house across the sleep left its blinds open again. >> chris: from happy houses to man washing machines. >> i'm almost done. >> chris: this is the "o" face. >> yeah, i'm almost done. >> chris: hari. >> in my previous life i was a
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cookie monster. >> chris: perfect. next up were the box that are really going at it. really getting it done. it's like mindcraft porn. beth. >> ow, paper [bleep]. sorry, mom. >> chris: beth, what do you expect from such a tight box. >> eggplants. >> chris: they are eggplants. perfect, the emoji works. the terrified razor. >> you want me to shave your what? >> he has more. >> you're [bleep] hole. oh, ok.
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i thought you said something else. >> zach galifianakis? that's a suicide mission. >> chris: one use. next up this chill little mushroom just hanging out. having a good time. beth. >> a lot of people say i'm a fungi. i'm actually a fun girl. >> chris: very good, beth. a fresh spin on a classic. points. last one this vigilant surveillance camera. beth. >> this is for cheating on me with that gopro. they're everywhere. >> chris: go hoe if you ask me. jason. >> freeze!
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i mean pause. >> chris: time for the live challenge. parking lot section b. i don't have to tell you this because you're in america, most of you, and you like america so you know wal-mart parking lot has long been america's favorite spot for tailgating civil war reenacting or hiring someone to kill your ex-husband but the past saturday one in oklahoma city made headlines after two beekeepers actually let 60,000 bees loose in the parking lot. an all that parked intersecti intersection -- in section b. [bleep] you. you do this. day in and day out. several people were hospitalized
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including the truck that was covered in bee pheromones i'd like to you get on the intercom shoppers and warn the shoppers of the impending attack of 60,000 horny bee. 60,000 horny bee. we'll get your answers are those gushers? uh-huh er mah gush er mah gush er... mah... gush do you want another one? you boys new 'round here? yeah, i'm a&w pop-tart! and i'm orange crush pop-tart! well then - two big swigs on me. she was really cool.... can't hold your soda, boys? tadaaa! crazy good!
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[ clock titime. ] you only have so much. that's why we want to make sure you won't have to wait on hold. and you won't have to guess when we'll turn up. because after all we should fit into your life. not the other way around. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break i told you about the parking lot of an oklahoma wal-mart where 60,000
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horny bees were release and asked for an in-store announcement. beth starting with you. >> attention wal-mart shoppers the bad news is the store is filled with 60,000 deadly bees the good news is we're rolling back prices on semi-automatic weapons so kill or be killed. >> chris: jason biggs. >> attention bees please retreat. remember, you are yellow and black. when the police arrive they will shoot. >> chris: hari. >> if your kid is allergic to bees and you hate him, take him to the parking lot and we'll make it look like an accident.
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>> chris: 11,000 points to beth and we're doing first seven jobs. this week twitter got swept up with the first seven jobs and celebrities got swept up like monica lewinsky who was famous when your parents were dating. looks like she left out one job. >> it was an inside job. >> chris: i'd say it's the most important job of all, mom being a mom. what did you think i was talking about? wait, she doesn't have kids. it was the handjob thing.
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i think we know other people's job history and first up melania trump. jason. >> penis cozy. >> chris: points. next up, drake. hari. >> canada's black guy. >> chris: vladamir putin. >> revenge on all the kids that called him rootin' putin. >> chris: who did that? fresh and fruitin. next up, shaq attack. beth. >> human eclipse. >> chris: next up, gwyneth
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paltrow. >> trick question. she's never had a job. >> chris: points. that's the end of the first seven jobs. mr. biggs, i'm sorry, we have to eliminate you but i adore you. do you have last words before we throw you back to the streets of los angeles? >> i feel like the filipino high diver. >> chris: red lights. now time to do it on the road for the win. pokemon go became a global phenomenon see i'm playing here. there's a ton in the studio and i'm not lying. a lot of it had to do we the great crowd source map but a lot
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of kids may not remember in 2015 there was a hotter app called waze and it's got a new feature the child reminder pop up to remind people not to leave kids or pets in the seat and you can set alerts like sandwich melting in back or grandma is melting in the back. i'd like to you mock up your own waze reminder and we'll name a winner when we come back on "@midnight."
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tadaaa! you boys new 'round here? yeah, i'm a&w pop-tart! and i'm orange crush pop-tart! well then - two big swigs on me. she was really cool.... can't hold your soda, boys? tadaaa! crazy good!
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"@midnight." for the win, we'll wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. i read the answers aloud you better decide the winner. don't embarrass me in front of company again. i should remind you what as we
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should remind you before you get out of the car. first texting and driving reminder. in case of death, delete your nudes. or gary busey reminder, your name is gary. hari kondabolu. the winner. until tomorrow keep sweeting at tweet at me and be nice to each other, dammit. . >> the 2016 daily show summer games. >> welcome ba back to the daily show's coverage of the 2016 summer games. >> it's roy would, jr. and oom's jordan klepper. >> you got to cut that [bleep]
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out, man. i'm an adult. i can say my name. >> say it. >> i'm roy food-- you got in my head. >> i'm great at names. >> anyway, the big news ot of rio this weekend, ryan lochte and three other olympic swimmers were robbed at gunpoint by thieves posing as police officers, i bet you ryan lochte was like man, if we was in the water right now, i would be whooping your ass. you better pray to god it don't rain. i would just-- on your head, whop, whop. i think-- that is how swimmers fight. whop. but honestly, all jokes aside, you have got to say that that is messed up. people mass quer aiding as police officers to rob our athletes. now jordan, don't you think that that-- jordan? >> yep. >> jordan, you robbing people? >> what? >> god, know. i'm a stripper. (laughter) >> august 15


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