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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  October 11, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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now here it is... your moment of zen. >> police are investigating another creepy clown sighting. this happened in detroit and itt was especially dangerous. video shows the clown hitching a ride in the back of a city bus. police are stepping up patrols. nsored by ncomedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, and the day resets, but as long as you backed it up, it should be fine. i'm chris hardwick, this is "@midnight." samsung is officially discontinuing their galaxy note 7 smartphone because they've been randomly bursting into flames like grandma falling asleep with cigarettes in her mouth. let it go. she's gone. combine a samsung with a hoverboard and discount vape pen, and you've got a great ensemble for that hip, tech-savvy millennial who loves being constantly on fire.
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there's some brilliant "grand theft auto" modders have added the galaxy to the game's weapon store. take a look. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) gwah. i mean, sure, that looks dangerous, but at least it has a headphone jack! no, i have not been mad about this for too long! you haven't been mad about it long enough! i do have the iphone 7 plus. the picture looks amazing, but i i just want headphones, which is why god put two holes in a phone. it's headphone jack, not headphone and steve! comedians, this looks really bad for samsung, but they are the world's biggest smartphone maker. can they come back from this scandal? ron funches. >> oh, yeah. they'll be just fine.
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( laughter ) i don't know if you noticed, but this entire year has been a dumpster fire. >> chris: yeah, that's true. that's true. points. al jackson. >> they've got to spin it man. samsung's got to be like, "look, if only happens on our phones if you like your own statuses on social media." >> of course, they're going to survive. they're korean like i am, and we created gang numb style. >> chris: >> chris: points. next. "surro-gate." as trump's campaign continues to burn like a samsung galaxy note 7 since the tape surfaced of the donald gossiping with tv ferret billy bush in the locker room of the "cosby show," former new york lieutenant governor betsy mccaughey went on "cnn tonight" with don lemon with a fascinating defense for trump. what accusation did she make about hillary clinton? "a"-- she's in possession of a video showing hillary saying. yank the crank smack the sack. "b"-- hillary's a hypocrite
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about language policing because she likes beyonce, or. "c"-- hillary once grabbed her pussy? ron funches. >> well, i want it to be "c," but every fiber of my being knows that every older while the lady loves beyonce. so i'm going to go with "b." >> chris: the correct answer let's find out. >> hillary clinton expresses that she finds the language on that bus horrific, but in fact, she likes language like this "i came to slay bitch, when he asked me good, i take it to red lobster." >> did she say that? >> beyonce said that. >> i know, that's beyonce. >> look at the stunned white man. he's like i don't know what the ( bleep ) -- >> he's having an out-of-body experience. he's like, "i don't know if i should side with him or klan drescher over here.
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>> chris: next: "why i otter." time for a cute news update from squee-n-n! >> this is squee-n-n. >> i already love it. >> chris: i know. we have breaking footage coming in from imgur at this hour, of two parties negotiating an important treaty-- or should i say, an important sweetie? jack, please roll the footage. >> ooh. >> chris: oh! guys! even his dick is cute! look at that! >> chris you have to have personality when you're hung like that. you gotta compensate. >> chris: clearly, these two have just reached some kind of an accord. wheedians what did the otter just agree to? >> he just got an ounce of cocaine. >> chris: yeah, points, definitely. ( cheers and applause )
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that would explain why his dick's out. ( laughter ) and not hard. >> detective bunch, richard belzer turned detective on every tv show and going hard after fat dracula donald trump. i have been in the company of many famous, charismatic men, not a single one talks about women like d.t. he attached an unrelated photo. what was it, his flaccid dick. a vomit-inducing hot mess of a casserole? "c" hedgehog and luigi as bride and groom? i know which one you want it to be. >> i assume it's a hot mess of a
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casserole. >> chris: the correct anwer is, in fact, "a," his flaccid dick-- no, i'm kidding. yes, it is this weird casserole. we don't know what it is. it's got nothing to do with the trump statement that he made. jack, enhance. okay. maybe some rahman or scour kraut. >> that's like a prison casserole. >> chris: maybe strawberry, rabbit turd, someone ate it and threw it back up in a dish? what do you think is going on in this dish? >> it looks like trump's penis. >> chris: i don't know if that looks like trump's penis? >> why not. >> chris: because it has substance. ( applause ) >> it looks like the last thing you can make in your house before you have to go rob your neighbor's. >> chris: a post-apocalyptic
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thing where we're out of food. let's make the hot dog. let's go get a six-shooter. >> chris: that's the end of "rapid refresh." let's check the scoreboards. performing at helium comedy club in portland october 13 through the 15, it's bobby lee. with 600 points, guest starring on "the meltdown with jonah and kumail" october 18, and "this is not happening" october 27, both on comedy central, it's al jackson. with 700 points, also on "the meltdown" following this program tonight, performing at the ice house in pasadena november 5, ronald funches. ( cheers and applause ) and now it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars."
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if your barnes & noble felt especially sweaty today, it's probably because guy fieri's new book just came out. here it is. it is sure to climb the bestseller charts, if it doesn't get too winded. so, in honor of the latest literary foray from our favorite bleached koosh ball, tonight's hashtag is #guyfieribooks. some examples might be "the sound and the fieri" and "fart of darkness." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock and begin. ron funches. >> where the buffalo wild wringz. >> chris: yes, point. al jackson. >> 50 shades of grieve. >> chris: points. bobby lee. >> brigid jones' diarrhea. >> chris: points. ron funches. >> the girl with the dragon roll tattoo. >> chris: points. al jackson. >> the fault in our carbs. >> chris: points. bobby lee. >> eat mice and men. >> chris: points. funcomfortable. >> the old man and the seafood buffet. >> chris: points. bobby lee. >> catcher in the frey. >> chris: points. ron. >> the wholly ( bleep ) tasty bible. >> chris: yes, points. >> chris: that's the end of
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"hashtag wars." send us your #guyfieribooks and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." our tweet of the day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @jandhobs. us by @jandhobs. wait a minute. went up the waterspout. down came the rain... ...and clogged the gutter system creating a leak in the roof. luckily the spider recently had geico help him with homeowners insurance. water completely destroyed his swedish foam mattress. he got full replacement and now owns the sleep number bed. his sleep number setting is 25. call geico and see how much you could save on homeowners insurance. i'm hall of famer jerry west and my life is basketball. but that doesn't stop my afib from leaving me at a higher risk of stroke. that'd be devastating.
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do not take xarelto if you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. tell your doctor before all planned medical or dental procedures. before starting xarelto tell your doctor about any conditions, such as kidney, liver or bleeding problems. to help protect yourself from a stroke, ask your doctor about xarelto. there's more to know. xarelto. weand sustainability goals asool one of our top priorities.mental i definitely rely on pg&e to be an energy advisor. anything from rebates, to how can we be more efficient? pg&e has a number of programs, to help schools save on energy. when i see a program that fits them, then i bring it to them. with the help of pg&e we've been able to save a tremendous amount of energy and a tremendous amount of money. we're able to take those savings and invest it right back into the classroom. together, we're building a better california.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play. "all about the beverages." "all about the beverages." i don't know about you, but when i'm thirsty, i prefer to drink liquids, and i'm not alone. in fact, some people love drinking drinks so much that they've made entire songs about them and put them up on the youtube. so, i'm going to show you a sweet song about beverages, and for 250 points, just answer a question about it. first up, this instructional jam for fast food employees about serving cold drinks. ♪ cold, are you ready? here we go ♪ soft drinks, lemonade, water
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♪ it's up to you. it's up to me ♪ don't forget to smile what's another soulful r&b tip in this breakdown? al jackson? ♪ baby, oh, baby oh, i'm sorry i called you baby. human resources is going to be all over me. i need this gig. i don't want to go back to uber. it has no benefits. i'm sorry, baby! i'm calling you baby, i'm sorry, baby. >> chris: points ♪ we know this job sucks and your boss is a jerk so do yourself a favor and get high before work ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: points. points. next one, this classic love song from lisa gail allred, "coffee or tea." ♪ i'll do whatever you want me to just as long as i can be with you ♪ be with tea or be can me
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no matter what you choose ♪ ( laughter ) ♪ the meaning is... what did the director say ♪ to get this performance bobby lee. >> remember, you suck. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: points. >> chris, you work in enough tv, why are they so far away from her on this shot? like have a to decide-- is it mostly about the fountain and she's photobombing the fountain? >> chris: no, they're trying to get far enough to not hear it. next up, this handy song about hydration. ♪ i take a sip another sip ♪ a sip of cold, clear, water i drink a glass ♪ but not too fast
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a glass of cool, clear water ♪ >> chris: oh, he's gonna ( bleep ) you. ( laughter ) what is the next line of this song? ron ♪ i'm coming down i'm coming down ♪ from doing two much acid ♪ >> chris: points. ( cheers and applause ) points. ♪ my dick was hard my dick was hard but now it's flaccid ♪ ( cheers and applause ) bobby. >> karen, please come home! >> chris: all right. points. this next one will really wake you up. ♪ don't be afraid to swallow me
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some heavy cream ♪ ( laughter ) >> chris: if starbucks doesn't use this as a commercial, they're completely missing out on an opportunity. what does this guy order at starbucks? al? >> definitely leather pants with room for cream. >> chris: points. ( applause ) the dirtiest chi. ron. >> sadomacchiato. >> chris: points. that's the end of "all about the beverages."
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it's time for our live challenge, "make 'sesame street' great again." mediaite tipped us off to a clip from a 2005 episode of "sesame street" that features a muppet named donald grump. take a look ♪ grump, grump, grump ♪ who has the finest garbage and goo? ♪ grump, grump, grump first of all, he'd have maria out of there in a second. she'd be-- she would notob "sesame street" any more. it seems like this could be th start of having more puppets connected to the election year. so, comedians, i want you to give me a preview of the next politically relevant episode of "sesame street." we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight," sponsored by the letter "m." tonight is "tag team tuesday." tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the "@midnight" twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. @kellerb57, @lederman, and of
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course @konamouse. this beer is tough...
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but fair. coors banquet. that's how it's done.
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brewed generation after generation... this beer is fiercely loyal. only with moravian barley. coors banquet. that's how it's done. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i showed you this clip from a 2005 episode of "sesame street" featuring a character named donald grump, and i asked you to give me a preview of the next politically relevant episode of "sesame street." let's hear what you came up with. al jackson, let's start with you. >> hey, kids, today's secret word is the "n" word. ( laughter ) do you know what that means? do you know what that means, kids? it means any time you hear that word, flip over a cop car. ( laughter ) >> chris: all right. ( cheers and applause )
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bobby lee. >> hey, i'm elmo! when you're a star like me, you can do anything-- grab them by the pussy! >> chris: all right. >> that was a terrible elmo. i'm so sorry. >> chris: it was actually an eerily good elmo. >> thank you so much, thank you. >> chris: ron. >> kids, tune in for a very special "sesame street" where cookie monster overcomes internet fat shaming to get a modeling contract with laen bryant. >> chris: it's time for: "sick air, bro." "sick air, bro." this day in 1910, the first presidential airplane flight was taken by theodore roosevelt, who might be a time traveling ken bone. we're not sure. a new president will be making this plane their own, and in trump's case, probably
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installing so much gold furniture that it won't be able to fly. but this thing is loaded with special features, like a situation room, executive suite, and private quarters-- or as former president clinton used to call it, "bubba's sky brothel." ( laughter ) no, it's good. all the furniture. you can just hose it off. so, comedians, i want you to tell us as many air force one perks as you can. in 60 seconds, begin. al jackson. >> sully is always the captain. >> chris: points. ron funches. >> you get to board southwest group "a," baby! >> chris: points. bobby lee. >> those ashtrees are for malia's weed. >> chris: points. ron funches. >> dick cheney's hbo go password. >> chris: points. al jackson. >> your frequent flier number is 1. >> chris: points. bobby lee. >> the seats go back more than an inch. >> chris: points. ron funches. >> you can murder a t.s.a. agent if you feel like it. ( laughter ) >> chris: points. no, i'm not going to take off my
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( bleep ) shoes! i'm president! that's the end of "sick air, bro." bobby lee, you're in third plays and we have to eliminate you. i'm so sorry. >> i am a disgrace to me people, farewell. thank you. >> chris: anywhere you want. he did take-- you can go that way. or you can walk out-- you can walk out through the audience. do you want to walk out through the audience? >> that's where my car is. thank you! ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: there goes bobby lee. he wasn't supposed to leave yet, but-- he got so excited i was like, all right, sure. that means it's time to outlive your husbands. it's "for the win!"
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( cheers and applause ) at the new york comic con last weekend, local comic-bookers peed in their homemade deadpool pants just a little when they found out that one of the world's most amazing team of heroes is finally getting their own action figures. i've known about this for a long time. i'm excited that this is finally a thing. it's not the league of women voters. i know you thought that's what it was. it's "the golden girls! yes, "the golden girls." meanwhile, back in miami beach: rose, dorothy, blanche, and the thing! four old women with amazing powers, featuring betty white with amazing stay-alive action! "the golden girls" by funko! these are real things and i'm getting them and i'm excited. so comedians, i'm asking you as a disprend a confidant, what are
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some of the "golden girls'" amazing powers. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when upgrade season's here. i got my new iphone 7 from sprint. pete's smart. he upgraded his carrier too.
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sprint is perfect for the new iphone 7. you can stream, watch, post, chat, tweet, snap... (vo) switch to sprint and get iphone 7. for people with hearing loss, visit for people with hearing loss, visit whoooo! this is how many people were born here. this is how many are named hiawatha kitty mcgee. this guy keeps the town dry. these guys would prefer it a little wet. this many are proud of what we make here. this is how many will go around bragging about it. this is our town. for 150 years, the home of jack daniel's. if you can't get here, just look for one of our postcards. they look like this.
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buso why not raisese one tthe right one? just look for one of our postcards. miller lite has more taste and half the carbs. miller lite. spelled different because it's brewed different. electricaonly a few...e at the heart of every hybrid. truly move us. with over one million on the road, lexus hybrids are always charged and always ready. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to
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"@midnight." it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe-- i will read your answers out loud, and you, the audience, will decide the winner. you're also playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break, i told you about the new line of "golden girls" action figures, and i asked you to tell me what kind of amazing powers four old ladies might have. let's see what you wrote. first one,% one. new, four fighting feminists with a moist, munchable box. ( cheers and applause ) i don't-- do the four of them share one? i don't know how that works. or number two, new, unexpectedly racist. ( cheers and applause ) who was number one? ron funches! another "@midnight" victory. we'll see you all tomorrow night
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when our guests will be russell peters, erinn hayes and yassir lester. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #guyfieribooks and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. good night! ( cheers and applause ) [jacuzzi boys' "vizcaya" playing] ♪ ♪ - ♪ gonna have a smoke ♪ 'cause the train's gonna be a slow oh ♪ ♪ here i go


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