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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  October 19, 2016 11:36pm-12:07am PDT

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address this. we need to call ants spicy boys. [cheers and applause] >> chris: thank you. but a very real issue right now is global hacking club wikileaks, which has been accused of trying to influence the election by releasing thousands clinton campaign emails. wikileaks is fronted by julian assange, the australian-born computer programmer who looks like klaus kringle, santa's rebellious son. since 2012, assange has been running the organization from inside the ecuadorian embassy in the united kingdom, where he was granted asylum to escape extradition to sweden. one note: not complicated enough! well, this week, in response to american pressure, the ecuadorian government punished assange by making every millennial's nightmare come true: they cut off his internet! comedians, now that assange has lost internet access, how's he going to pass the time in the embassy? ben roy. >> act like a cat and chase the laser sites from the nsa
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snipers. >> chris: points. andrew. >> steal the wifi from the peruvian embassy next door. >> chris: adam clayton-holland. >> spend his timex posing the en herpbt corruption in the secret santa program or as it's referred to internally. el centcringo. >> chris: you know, tinder is the dating app with more ghosting (/ bleep/ )-bois than a haunted strip club. well, yesterday, they rolled-out a new premium service called tinder boost, which allows users to pay money to have their profiles temporarily pop up first in people's feeds, dramatically increasing the likelihood of finding a match. so, it's sort of like a pokeémon lure, but for herpes. by the way if you're playing at home that would be cold-asaur. >> oh, no. >> what -- [ applause ] >> chris: you're going to catch
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them all. comedians, what are some other pay services tinder could add? andrew. >> alternative back story to how you met. >> chris: yes. points. ben roy. >> fast pass to get to the front of the line at any planned parenthood. >> chris: that's a great idea. >> that's what i'm talking about. >> chris: next, "a very good boy." it's hard to look at the internet in 2016 and not feel a little betrayed. the place we once turned to for "chocolate rains" and "numa numas" is now a swirling poop galaxy of hot benghazi takes and anonymous all-caps trolls. but deep within the bowels of youtube, this man has been crafting a healing unguent to soothe our online wounds. this is youtuber jon sudano, and he has given us something truly amazing-- and it's not just the fact that his chin beard makes him look the same upside down as he does right-side up. [laughing]
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[laughing] >> hypnotic. >> you can't stop staring at it. >> a easter island statue. is it a slow-jam love song to his deceased ferret or a vocal mash-up of evanescence and smash mouth? adam? >> i'm preying it's vocal mash-up of evanescence and smash mouth. >> chris: show us ♪ hey now ♪ you're a rock star ♪ get your show on ♪ all that glitters is gold. only -- >> chris: i mean. [ applause ] >> chris: that is the best. in the world. >> i don't care what happens here tonight. he won internet. >> chris: he won all of it. shoot your own horn this is
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charlie hook. proud owner of a trumpet, a gun and a youtube account. comedians, what is this great american about to do with a trumpet and a gun: a, play the "addams family theme"; b, defend himself against trumpet-bullies; c, like he does every morning, wake up his family? firing a gun and playing a trumpet. >> a. it works too perfect. please, a. >> chris: ya, ya. check it out. ♪ ♪ [laughing] >> chris: oh, my god. it's hard not to imagine rather than a tripod, that camera's being held there by his wife. >> with an apple on her head. he has a bunch of these on his account, gungrams, and he takes requests!
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this was our favorite. ♪ [laughing] >> the best part about all of this is this is a basketball court. >> chris: yes. the playground, a children's playground. he's playing [beep] grand theft mario in front of a playground. let's check the scoreboards. tonight, we have three stars from "those who can't," thursdays on trutv. with tbd points, it's andrew orvedahl. [cheers and applause] >> chris: with 400 points it's ben roy. [cheers and applause] >> chris: with 500 points a man so nice he was named thrice
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adam cayton-holland. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and now, it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars." we've all spent the last year having this election jammed down our throats, but do you ever wish it could be literally shoved down your throat? well, now it can! that's because the instagram account @ediblegovernment has been busy making food sculptures of the candidates like this squash hillary clinton and baby carrot donald trump, which to me -- so, in the spirit of the candidates' flavorful facsimiles, tonight's hashtag is #politicalfoods. examples: "crunchwrap supreme court" and "vladimir pudding." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. >> marco rubio use its. chris: andrew. >> make america great again. >> international house of -- and pancakes. >> gop f changs.
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>> eggs benedict arnold. >> smother negretion. chris: 200 points for. that. >> ask not what your country can do for you but what you would do for a klondike bar. >> chris: adam. >> -- trafficky. chris: points. andrew. >> thomas jefferson soup plantation. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> he had one, one of them. >> he's [beep] a bunch of the soups. >> chris: ben. >> fd arbey's. chris: the best. >> that's good. >> if you eat enough of it you can't get out of your chair either. >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #politicalfoods and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight."
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our tweet-of-the-day from last night's "hashtag war" was sent to us by @connorvideos. well done! i'm here in bristol, virginia. and now...i'm in bristol, tennessee. on this side of the road is virginia... and on this side it's tennessee. no matter which state in the country you live in, you could save hundreds on car insurance by switching to geico. look, i'm in virginia... i'm in tennessee... virginia... tennessee... and now i'm in virginessee. see how much you could save on car insurance. or am i in tennaginia? hmmm...
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play "basic straining." youtube has countless videos with step-by-step explanations for how to speak klingon or how to perform an emergency tracheotomy, but it also has ton of -- which you get after speaking klingon. but it also has a ton of staggeringly basic step-by-step guides apparently intended for moon-brained simpletons who somehow survived to adulthood without knowing how to tie their own shoes. comedians, i'll show you a clip from a basic how-to video. for 250 points, you give me another step from the guide. first up, new to the concept of hygiene? check out how to wash your hair. >> step 3, thoroughly wet your hair with warm not hot water.
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hot water causes damaged hair shafts. don't wash your hair every day. >> chris: what's another step in this illuminating guide. >> step two, keep your mouth closed so you don't drowned standing up. [cheers and applause] >> chris: points, points. adam clayton-holland. >> drink another shower beer and pretend you're not so lonely. >> chris: points. andrew. >> step 216, rinse again. chris: over and over again. [ applause ] >> chris: what to make sure your car can move. check out how to pump gas. >> how to pump gas. take off the pump. put it in the gas tank and pump gas. [laughing]
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>> chris: that's ridiculous. he jammed it in. didn't take it to dinner, go down on it, one of these first. come on. what is another step from this gas guru? ben. >> now you have enough gas to keep your car idling outside of the elementary school playground. [ applause ] >> chris: where a strange man has been reported firing a gun and playing a trumpet. [laughing] kp-rbd have you been doing it wrong all these years. check out the right way to pet a dog. >> faster petting and increased pressure will get your dog excited. [laughing] >> chris: there you go. that's how do you it. that's how you do it. go lower to get him more excited. there he goes. what is a step you may hear in this tutorial, adam. >> step four exhale your bong
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hit directly into the dog's nose. save the party. save the party. >> chris: points. ben. >> step two, open the oven and blowout the pilot light. >> chris: yes, points. [laughing] >> saddest humans. >> very sylvia plath. chris: the name of the dog. >> step 8, stay the hell away from my dog. >> chris: yes, points. [ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of "basic straining." it's time for our live challenge, "easy does it." [cheers and applause] >> chris: we have all experienced together there is an endless array of overly
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descriptive tutorial videos that probably don't need to exist, like how to put on underwear. or how to make a slam dunk. oh, that's how you make a slam dunk. it's so easy, anyone can do it! [ applause ] >> no, you know what [beep] that kid. that's what he gets for trying new things. >> yep. chris: there are many complex topics that would actually benefit from a basic breakdown, such as the trans-pacific partnership or why they've made 15 games called "final fantasy." think about it, they think about it. i'm playing one right now. so, over the break, i want you to create your own how-to tutorial video breaking down a complex topic in terms that anyone can understand. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight!" [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i showed you some basic how-to videos and asked you to create your own how-to video breaking down a complex concept in simple terms. let's see what you came up with. ben, let's start with you. >> here is how to change the ink cartridge on your printer. first collect a vial of virgin blood from a woman born by the moon. and then sprinkle the blood and say these words after me. and wala, you can print off as many 7 dust tickets as you would like. you're not using your soul anyways. byey. >> chris: yes. i never get the right cartridge in. [ applause ]
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>> chris: andrew, yours next. >> welcome to andy's diy garage. today we're going to build a nuclear weapon. you need a coffee can, alarm clock, and weapons grade plutonium. look for a bus full of libbians at a mall near midnight. then load this and before you launch it like and subscribe. [ applause ] [cheers and applause] >> chris: fantastic. >> mandatory. chris: the libbians. adam, yours. >> hey, kids. are you happy? must be nice. anyways, here is a video about preventing your dad from going out for cigarettes and never coming back. steb one, throw like a man or don't throw at all. step two, fix your lazy eye. see dad it's fixed, come home.
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step three, have enough cigarettes around he never has to leave. stick to these simple steps and you never sra to deal with your mom's new boyfriend brad, who is super into motor cross. bye. [ applause ] >> chris: fantastic. let's see a thousand to andrew. 500 to ben and adam. next is speed debating. tonight was the final presidential debate, thank christ. where the mannequins from ann taylor duked it out with spencer gifts it out to win undecided voters. but we're just not ready to say goodbye to debates! so, comedians, to keep the conflict alive just a little longer, i'm going to give you a famous issue and whoever buzzes in first should weigh in to settle it. first up, cats vs. dogs. andrew. >> dogs, i'm lonely but not that lonely. >> chris: alright. points. >> cats, that office chair isn't
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going to [beep] on itself. >> rebuttal. >> dogs, cats taste tk *eut disgusting. >> chris: points. points. [ applause ] >> chris: next up this is important hand jobs vs. dry humping. that looks like white humping on the beach though. ben. >> i will take whatever i can get at this point. >> chris: yes. points. [cheers and applause] adam. >> hand jobs. we need more jobs in this country. i'm tired of people -- [cheers and applause] >> -- talk about the non important issues. finally someone -- i'm mad i'm fighting mad. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next one, black vs. white. be very careful with this one. [beep] [laughing]
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>> chris: one of the black dudes in the audience go, ya, you better be careful. [ applause ] >> chris: we got this, alright. we got this. adam. >> it's black. because the darkness comes for us all. >> chris: alright. points. [cheers and applause] >> we can pretend it's not wasting our time with little interactive twitter games. eventually the black consumes us all. >> chris: alright. good. points. [cheers and applause] that is the end of speed debating. i'm sorry andrew overdahl you are in last place. any last words before you can't talk to your friends. >> a perk. chris: red light on andrew overdahl. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that means it's time to bring the bentley around. it's "for the win!" if you've got an extra $1,000 a month lying around, you can
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download the mobile app "rich kids," where you can share photos of your opulent lifestyle with other silver spooners. because, according to their slogan, "being rich is boring when nobody sees you." so, i guess technically every photo on here is a dick pic. comedians, what is a message you may get on the rich kids app? we will have our answers when we come back.
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heineken light makes it ok to flip another no no no,t. you never flip another man's meat. award-winning heineken light is the best light beer you've ever tasted. that's true. can i have one? can i flip your meat? no. suit yourself. [cheers and applause] >> spicy boys. >> spicy boys. chris: let's make it happen. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "for the win." i will wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. before the break, i showed you an exclusive photo-sharing app for rich kids and asked you to write a message you might get in your inbox. let's see what you came up with. first one ... what's up, bro, paid two drifters to fight. one died. adderol. can i bury -- in your dad's private golf course, my dad's is full. [ applause ]
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>> chris: you know it's sad the comments on the app are worst. or number two ... want to go volunteer at a soup kitchen this weekend ha ha. jk, let's set my maid on fire. i think it was number one. adam clayton-holland has won the internet. defeating ben roy. what an upset. they will never speak again. he is getting married soon. wish him congradulations on the internet. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be "weird" al yankovic, kate micucci and brent weinbach. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #politicalfoods and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. god damn it, too much crap out ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere
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♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ from breakfast burritos to late night quesadillas 20 decadent cravings $1 all day at taco bell. let the feast begin.
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