tv The Daily Show Comedy Central November 2, 2016 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT
should be an interesting election this year, huh? [ sips ] buckle up, buckaroos. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: yeah! welcome to "the daily show." thank you so much, everyone. and thank you for tuning in. i'm trevor noah. so excited, our guest tonight from "designated survivor," actor kal penn is joining us, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) but let's get straight into it, people. the election is just six days away, and hillary's lead in the polls is shrinking paste fastera porn window when the boss walks
by. donald trump on the other hand just received his second newspaper endorsement. this time-- seriously-- from the official newspaper of the k.k.p. which, by the way, is an extremely difficult newspaper to read because they refuse to use black erchg. and, yeah, the post popular feet nurt paper is the burning crossword. it's the same clue every single day, just someone saying, "mmmm, perfectly acceptable word fair black person. six letters. starts with "n." niewbian! that's it! niewbian." but the k.k.k.really did endorse donald trump. i'll tell you one place where donald trump isn't gaining any ground on hillary clinton, it's with the black vote. i wonder why. trump has 2% support among black people. do you know how hard it is to vathat few black people in anything, 2%? you realize with hockey, the black players make up 5% of the
league. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) that's hockey. that is hockey. that's a sport that has everything black people are instinctively afraid of-- it's freezing cold. white people in masks are chasing you. they celebrate the goal with a police siren. and on top of all of that, hockey is the only sport where they throw you in prison. ( laughter ) you know how insane that is? people are sitting there. ( cheers and applause ) in the game, players look at each other like, "hey, man, how long you in for?" "a minute and a half." "what! i got 25 to life. goddamn mandatory minimums." and still, with all of that, hockey has more black support than donald trump, and trump doesn't seem to understand this, as he's so eloquently said. >> if african american voters give donald trump a chance by giving me their vote, the result for them will be amazing. look at the schools. look at the poverty. what do you have to lose by
trying something new? >> trevor: i feel like that's the same sales pitch they gave to people in africa. "lions are attacking you. there's famine. just get on the ship. what do you have to lose? come on, folks? >> ( applause ) what do you have to lose? just get on the ship. it can't get worse." look, look, it's pretty obvious why black people don't ( bleep ) with trump. but when it comes to hillary, some people struggle to understand why she is the candidate with whom they do ( bleep ). i looked at this. i looked at this. and i came to realize, it only makes sense that black people vote for hillary, because they relate to her. because, yes, hillary clinton may be a white woman, but she's been living the black experience. think about it. she always rolls in an escalade. she spent most of her life in government housing. ( laughter ) her baby daddy's got side chick
issues. and she even access rises like a black person. >> what's something you always carry with you? >> hot sauce. >> i got hot sauce in my bag. >> trevor: by the way, she did the hot sauce thing way before beyonce. way before beyonce. you know, a lot of people don't realize the hot sauce thing is true. it's not a metaphor. black people carry hot sauce in their bags because, you know, of the fear of encountering bland food. this is what happens. you know, like white people leave the house and they go, cell phone, wallet, keys. black people go, "hot sauce, hoat sauce, hot sauce." someone is running into the house, "i forgot my hot sauce." "you ain't going to meet no white people today." you never know, white people be inviting you all time. and they insist. and next thing you know i'm in the house eating some bland couscous. give me my hot sauce, baby. give me my hot sauce." but you realize, hillary had the
hot sauce thing way before beyonce did. hillary got cheated on and stuck with her man way before beyonce did. if anything, beyonce stole "lemonade" from her. hillary is living the black experience. i don't know why more people can't see it. look at her outfits. she dresses like a black preacher. in fact, in fact, when hillary's at the pulpit, she even speaks like the anointed. >> i don't feel no ways tired. i come too far from where i started from. >> trevor: amen, hillary! amen! ( cheers and applause ) amen! preach! if you think about it, hillary would make a great preacher. she's always telling us to believe. she has a ton of money but she's always asking us to donate. and whenever she talks, you feel like you've been listening for hours. come on! but where you really start to see the parallels is in
hillary's life story. for instance, what's the big thing black people complain about in america? white people. just kidding, no, just kidding, just kidding-- i'm not kidding-- just kidding. ( laughter ) what black people complain about often is they are constantly labeled as suspicious. now, that's something that sounds very familiar to hillary. >> white america is conditioned to feel about black men, they're scared of black men. >> i think many people are scared of her-- hell, i'm scared of her. >> politicians fear african americans. >> a lot of these delegates, they fear hillary clinton. >> 50% believe that blacks and immigrants are more prone to criminality. >> the trump base i think sees a criminal. >> a very dominant stereotype and perception is one of crime and criminality. >> people have always been skeptical of her. >> people just don't trust her. >> trevor: yeah. basically, when hillary and a black person walk down the street, half of america locks both doors. yeah, they see a black guy, they go to the cross the street, then they see hillary on the other side and they go, "i'll just
stay in the middle. i'll take my chances with the traffic." i'm telling you, people, hillary clinton is living the black experience. she's never been found guilty of committing a crime, and still, still, she has had to suffer through having an intimate relationship with law enforcement. >> over the past five years, police have stopped over 300,000 pedestrians in african american neighborhoods on little or no suspicion of lawbreaking. >> there have been nine separate investigations into the benghazi attacks. not a single one of these has drawn a direct line of responsibility to secretary clinton. >> at least a couple dozen instances with law enforcement that i'm pretty sure were just predicated on the fact that, you know, i'm a young black man. >> they're going to keep coming after me. the f.b.i. resolved all of this. honestly, they never quit. they keep coming back. >> trevor: poor hillary, man. she's been questioned so much, that now even when people ask her for the time, she's like, "i ain't telling you ( bleep )!" and look at what happened last week with the e-mails. right. she's basically being pulled
over by the f.b.i. this case was closed and now they're like, "what do we have over here, hillary?" and hillary is like, "how many times do we have to go thriewl this ( bleep ). i told you, i don't do this e-mail stuff no more. step off me, comey. step off me!" ( cheers and applause ) hillary clinton is link the black experience because now, not only is he being harassed by the police and the law constantly. it's starting to affect her work. she's been unemployed for two years. she's trying to get a job. and now, just before she gets into the building for her final interview, the cops roll up. and now what happens? all of america is basically the manager looking out of the window going, "why is she getting pulled over?" "i don't know, but she must have done something wrong. i mean, the cops wouldn't just pull you over for nothing, right?" who else can we hire? is there someone else?" "well, there is the guy with the tiny exphandz he has no experience." "let's hire him. what do we have to lose in?
if you think about thillary is going through the same experience every black person is. she's qualified but people don't trust her. her pryors are coming back to haunt her. and even if she does get the job, most people will say it was a diversity hire anyway. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome tbook "the daily show." you know, despite everything, millions of americans still support donald trump for many goes reasons. i can't name any right now, but i'm sure there are some. what i do know about those people is there are some who know him best. and the question is why do they think he's the one? well, desi lydic goes deep. >> as the most trusted journalist during this election, i have been thinking a lot of thoughts about donald trump. so many thought. here's me thinking more thoughts. trump has managed to offend virtually every demographic in america. >> look at my african american over here. >> they're rapists. muslims entering the united states. grab them by the pussy. you can do anything. >> yet his loyal supporters don't give a ( bleep ). >> i believe in him and i know what he'll do is right. >> how can his supporters still believe he is the man for the
job? what specifically is his appeal. i can questions only i could find answers for. so unflattering. let's go. hard-hitting. uncorruptable. under cover. i'm desi lydic, and this is "in bed with desi, with desi lydic,." i traveled to the heartland of america, bel air, california, to meet with a trump supporter with real insight. average american voter, tony holt kramer. >> trump is, in his own way, a blue collar candidate. i mean, he appeals to the people. >> i found her at the trumpets, a grass-roots organization started by women who support trump. tone is the one hocan best explain his appeal. >> he is superman in a lot of ways. you know, he's this plond, blue-eyed guy flying around up in the air right now looking down going, "i can't stand this
country the way it is. i've got to fix it." >> if trump is superman, what would be his kryptonite? tax returns? >> you know, i'm not an accountant. i don't know. >> not only was tony not an accountant. it was becoming apparent she was not the average american voter. holy ( bleep ). is that a gold panter. >> pretty, isn't it? >> beautiful. what would you say to people who say trump's tax plan would only benefit the wealthy? >> i'd say they're not intelligent. they don't have any knowledge of what they're saying. i think hillary's tax plan will defeat the country. >> what do you been hillary's tax plan? >> i know nothing about her tax plan. >> again, not an accountant. but she is a personal friend of the donald and a member of the exclusive club mar-a-largo. >> yeah, that is mar-a-largo. >> that's right, this mar-a-largo, the 20-acre estate in palm beach, florida, where it costs a mere hundred grand just to become a member. >> i think if mr. trump runs america the way he runs his club, mar-a-largo, we have got
it made. we'll have the american dream back again-- yay, yay, yay! >> if we can run america like an all-white, all-rich, private country club, we are good to go. >> we are not an all-white country club. >> very diverse. >> very diverse. >> how many african americans members are there. >> i don't know, i never counted. i have seen them. i know our head guy who was the top maitre d' he was divine, divine, divine. >> okay, aside from this guy divine, who else? >> oh, we have our musician. i don't know all the-- >> are they members or staff? >> i'm talking-- staff and members. >> oh, okay. >> staff and members, absolutely. >> with all the diversity at mar-a-largo, tony must open minded when it comes to immigration. >> we should not have any foreigners come canning in right now, because they're taking jobs away from our people in this country. >> of course, this doesn't apply to tony's housekeeper, marie
awho is a mexican immigrant, not a foreigner. >> she is the most pro-trump person you will ever talk to. she is mad about him. >> well, i mean, we all say crazy things to our bosses that we don't really mean. like i once told trevor i was going to stop drinking at work. >> did you? >> get i get a-- can i get a refill, maria. i started to see in tony's world there was there were a lot of perks to a trump presidency. trump will be great for the everyday man by. >> better life, better money. better jobs. better people. better food-- everything. >> wait, a trump presidency can lead to better food? go on. >> he loves desserts. at mar-a-largo, there's every kind of dessert imaginable-- cakes and pies and cookies and a machine that makes ice cream and whipped cream and caramel and-- >> is that dark chocolate? >> and all kind of layer cakes and pies and cookies.
every kind of cookie you could ever think of. they have a red velvet. >> that's a lot of desserts but surely they don't have coconut-- >> coconut layer cake. >> coconut cake? >> chocolate layer cake, hot fudge sun distric district sund. >> if america is anything like mar-a-largo, sign me up. >> america will be like mar-a-largo, if trump becomes president, for sure. >> could get used to this lifestyle. people wait on you hand and foot in. >> i'm so excited to welcome our newest trumpet. >> we're so proud to be trumpet. >> and we're thrilled becausely love trump so much. >> anything that has anything to do with my man, mr. trump. >> hear-hear. >> wait a second, that game show host wink martin daily? is he going to hand out door prizes. one thing is abundantly clear, a trump presidency pretty much
only benefits the people in this room. in fact, the rest of america will be a post-apocalypse, with women being grabbed by their pussies, but if that comes, you bet your assi'm bunkering down with these ladies. >> to the trumpets! >> that's what i thought. >> trevor: desi lydic, everybody, we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
you work at ge? yeah, i do. you guys are working on some pretty big stuff over there, right? like a new language for crazy-big, world-changing machines. well, not me specifically. i work on the industrial side. so i build the world-changing machines. i get it. you can't talk because it's super high-level. no, i actually do build the machines. blink if what you're doing involves encrypted data transfer. wait, what? wowwww... wow? what wow? there is no wow.
hillary clinton: i'm hillary clinton and i approve
this message. vo: in times of crisis america depends on steady leadership. donald trump: "knock the crap out of them, would you? seriously..."vo: clear thinking... donald trump: "i know more about isis than the generals do, believe me." vo: and calm judgment. donald trump: "and you can tell them to go fu_k themselves." vo: because all it takes is one wrong move. donald trump audio only: "i would bomb the sh_t out of them." vo: just one.
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i am a first responder tor and i'emergencies 24 hours a day, everyday of the year. my children and my family are on my mind when i'm working all the time. my neighbors are here, my friends and family live here, so it's important for me to respond as quickly as possible and get the power back on. it's an amazing feeling turning those lights back on. be informed about outages in your area. sign up for outage alerts at pge.com/outagealerts. together, we're building a better california. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the star of the new abc series "designated survivor." please welcome kal penn.
( cheers and applause ) >> thank you, thank you oh, man. thanks for having me. >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you, sir. >> trevor: i've been a fan of yours for so long. thank you for coming to the show. >> thank you, man, that's nice to hear. >> trevor: i remember you were in movies and all of a sudden you disappeared, and then i saw online a thing that said you were now working for the obama administration, and i said, "that's a joke." because you're high all the time. >> oh, sure. >> trevor: your character is. >> you were high when you were watching me for long enough. >> trevor: i never smoked weed in my life. >> no, of course,. >> trevor: i forgot. >> people thought it was a joke but it was a real thing. >> trevor: let's go back to tho real quick because a lot of people don't know this. so are you an actor known for comedies, extreme comedies like "harold & kumar," having a great time. >> yeah. >> trevor: how do you go from that to working in the white house? >> yeah, sure. >> trevor: like, is that one
of those things where obama's watching tv and he's like, "guy's funny. bring him in." >> i wish. that would be-- that would be the simpler way to do it. i guess if you put it that way it sounds completely ridiculous. it's a naght a lot of people have gone down before, taking a leave of absence from the private sector and serving in government for a couple of years. i was in the company of a lot of people who did it. in my case there was a writers' strike pifs on "house," and he couldn't shoot any episodes and i had read the president's books and thought i want to help him out. i went to iowa to vote in the primary process and moved there for a couple months to volunteer for his campaign >> trevor: you moved to iowa? >> i moved to des mones, iowa, yeah. >> trevor: what was your favorite part of working at the white house giworked in the office of public engagement, which was the go-between, between policy and real people and i got to meet actual people helped by the affordable care act and don't ask, don't tell,
and double the pell grant. >> trevor: after that you were like, "i love this. maybe i should go and be in a fake white house on tv." because that's what you've done on "designated survivor." >> sort of. i actually-- when i heard about the show i didn't want to audition for it. >> trevor: why not? >> i kind of felt like i didn't want the perception to be that, okay, i've gone-- you know, i worked in politics and now i'm doing a political show. >> trevor: yes. >> i also was scared it just wouldn't be challenging and i read the script and it's a farfetched conspiracy theory family drama thing with kiefer sutherland, and i was like i'm in. >> trevor: you are now a surrogate for hillary. >> am. >> trevor: but you were a bernie supporter? >> i was. >> trevor: and people were worried that bernie supporters wouldn't be able to convert to hillary-- i say it like it's a religion. ( laughter ) >> yeah. >> trevor: it was na way. why the switch? i mean, like you said, you liked the underdog. you tbrnt obama who was the underdog, and bernie had that,
and then he started sweeping through the state. yet switch and was it difficult for you? >> it was not difficult for me. one of the big reasons i wanted to support bernie was his college affordability plan. free college, find a way to pay for it, make that work. that was a big driver. i also, both bernie and hillary i thought were going to go a tremendous job protect, the president's legacy and a lot of his achievements. and having met people who benefitted from these things like college affordability and don't ask, don't tell, it scares the crap out of me that the other side wants to gut all of these programs and doesn't have a plan to replace them. ( applause ) i forget you have a progressive crowd. >> trevor: we do. >> yeah. so bernie, you know, i thought did a great primary campaign. hillary then takes that college affordability plan, and that's literally exactly how a primary is supposed to work. >> trevor: you're supposed to come up with the best ideas-- >> you come up with the best ideas -- yeah. and hearing a lot of our bernie
supporter friends says, "she's just trying to get your vote. that's why she took that plan." yeah. that's how it works. >> trevor: that's exactly who she's supposed to do. >> that's exactly what she should do. because we want to get that education plan passed. obviously nothing is free, you have to fix tax loopholeholes ad raise taxes on idiots like me and you and you pay for it and get college paid for. that was the thing and the fact that she chose tim kaine-- i loved your opening segment, because as you do, you deconstruct all the coninence of what cable news is saying. i was talking to friends this week and they were like, "what are you thinking about everything in the news?" nothing in the news right now is real, like, at all. >> trevor: it sounds real but it's not. it's sort of like your show. >> exactly. ( laughter ). >> trevor: that's really what it is. >> it sells ad space is really fun to watch but it's not based on reality. >> trevor: somebody probably says, "why don't we have the f.b.i. reopen the investigation."
and there'any day now!iful baby. [crunch] really? you're eating doritos? he's eating doritos. at my ultrasound. do you see what i have to deal with? i know. (laughter) (laughter) (laughter) (laughter) owww! (laugher) give me that! (screaming) [baby crying] [crunch] ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. stay tuned for "@midnight." >> do you like hillary clinton? >> yeah! >> are you enthusiastic about her are you more enthusiastic about her than you were about barack obama? >> no!
[cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, when the day resets and we announce a winner. i'm chris hardwick. let's get into it and see all the [beep] you were talking about on social media today. twitter is abuzz this week over the release of a new autobiography by zayn malik with a cleverly nuanced title that hints to what is likely some very thoughtful writing. i'm kidding, he called that (/ bleep/ ) "zayn." he named it after himself. as you can see, the first 500 copies have been personally autographed by zorro. the only thing the cover of this book is missing is about eight extra zs.