tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central November 16, 2016 11:36pm-12:07am PST
vaginas"; c, a choke and crank mini-game called "grand theft autoerotic asphyxiation"? oh, james davis. >> i'm thinking the fully rendered vagina gave people issues. >> chris: guys -- [laughing] >> chris: from this point forward you will define your life into two distinct points. before you saw what i'm about to show you, and after you saw this image of -- let's put the picture up. why would they -- >> oh! chris: why would they do that. why would that be a thing that everyone. >> gross. >> why watch this. chris: why do they say san francisco this is clearly brazil. come on. come on. [cheers and applause] >> chris: they reported the issue when they noticed are --
noticing something between the female characters' legs that was unfamiliar but intriguing. >> that's hilarious. chris: understand. this creature appears to have an inny. >> looks like he's wearing panties out of steve harvey's mustache. >> it does. chris: a hundred points for. that that's the end of "rapid refresh." let's take showers. let's check the scoreboards. with 500 points with james davis mr. james davison the program. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and with 300 points host of "car star," available now on verizon's go90, it's arielle vandenberg. [cheers and applause] >> chris: also with 300 points. his new hour stand-up special "lion" is streaming now on seeso, it's dan levy. [cheers and applause]
>> chris: now goodly citizens it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars." as fall turns to winter, it's cold and flu season, which sucks if you used up all your sick days to go to six flags. but "music heals the heart," according to a quote we saw on instragram misattributed to marilyn monroe. so, tonight's hashtag is #sickbands. examples: "the runs d.m.c." and "blink-182 degree fever." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. dan. >> lead poisoning zeppelin. chris: points. james davis. >> irritable bow wow syndrome. chris: arielle. >> kanye west -- virus. chris: arielle. >> sly and the kidney stone. chris: james davis. >> shaka constipation.
[cheers and applause] >> chris: i feel for you. points. arielle. >> you have a 30% chance the rapper. >> chris: yes, points. dan levy. >> huey lewis and the [beep] chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: god damn it. james davis. >> boys to menopause. chris: points. so good. dan levy. >> counting crumbs. hris: dan levy. >> pink eye. chris: points. with an exclamation point for the eye. >> yes. chris: james. >> nwa. chris: you can't remember what the n and the w are for? >> huh. chris: see. there you go. [ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #sickbands and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more
"@midnight" at 11:30. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's "hashtag war" was sent to us by @camfleming 1. to show strongbow's impressive range, we hired an actor with almost as much range. goooold apple. nah thats a little to much. hoooney. ah thats even worse. ginger! oh come on stewart! cherry blossom! he's not getting it, just show the flavors. strongbow! i got my new iphone 7 from. sprint. pete's smart. he upgraded his carrier too. sprint is perfect for the new iphone 7. you can stream, watch, post, chat, tweet, snap... (vo) switch to sprint and get iphone 7. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com. whoooo!
we're not in a rush to be most popular. not in a rush not to be. real bourbon. no apologies. ah, thank you. wild turkey®. it'll find you. our mission is to produce for african women as they try to build their businesses and careers. my name is yasmin belo-osagie and i'm a co-founder at she leads africa. i definitely could not do my job without technology. this windows 10 device, the touchscreen allows you to kind of pinpoint what you're talking about. which makes communication much easier and faster than the old mac that i used to use. you can configure it in so many different ways, it just, i don't know, it feels really cool. i feel like i'm in the future. says it won't let up for a while. the cadillac xt5... what should we do? ...tailored to you. wait it out. equipped with apple carplay compatibility.
[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play "gif-o-mercial." "gif-o-mercial." [cheers and applause] tv infomercials are a delight, especially the part where the screen goes black and white so an old man can be like, "how am i supposed to open this jar of pickles when my arms are tangled in these voice-operated christmas lights?" i don't know what is happening. well, thanks to the subreddit "where did the soda go," we can enjoy these problems no one has over and over again in gif form. comedians, i'm going to show you a gif of an infomercial fail, and, for 250 points, i want you to give me the voiceover line that should go with it. first up, this irritating situation.
>> chris: boy, he's just over all of this. james davis. >> can't get rid of those crabs. we have all been there. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: arielle. >> having trouble playing it cool after you [beep] your pants. >> chris: points. [laughing] playing it cool. play it cool. >> cool. hris: just adjusting. >> i'm on a date with two guys. play it cool. >> what kind of dates do you go on. >> i'm playing it cool. chris: this is close to what is happening. this and you guys. >> chris: i think we have to accept, tired of white people. [ applause ] >> good [beep] good one. >> chris: well --
>> that's what james is thinking. >> chris: he doesn't need the infomercial to feel that way. >> chris: next, this ride gone awry. >> do you owe 20 grand to a italian toddler. >> chris: points. james davis. >> are you getting [beep] up the ass by your toddler's tuition. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: points. you have to wait until the end. it starts off on a very rocky road. >> yes. i love you. >> chris: next one, this clumsy coffee-drinker
she's [beep] doing it on purpose james. >> are your tits tired but have a long day ahead of them. [laughing] >> chris: dan. >> are you an idiot who can't find your [beep] mouth. >> oh, my gosh. chris: a long day now i just want to masturbate. i don't know where anything is on my body. >> chris: next up, this family scene. >> chris: dan levy. >> do some of you hate taking mushrooms for the first time. >> chris: points. james davis. >> having that weird dream about kellyanne conway again.
>> chris: points. >> chris: next, this hot workout. dan levy. >> are you looking for a personal trainer who happens to also be in the "x men." >> chris: points. arielle. >> is your stomach the death star. >> chris: yes. fly in. you have the air vent. >> chris: last one, this frustrating pair of shoes. >> every time. chris: before you answer i want to take this guy's journey with him. he's really having a time. really -- what is so perplexing and upsetting about the shoes. >> are you tired of looking down and asking yourself, what are those! >> chris: points.
>> chris: that's the end of "gif-o-mercial." time for our live challenge alt right on time. last night twitter started to suspend the accounts of trolls and white nationalists. yes stepping in to stop the spread of hatred, propaganda and hatred before something drastic happens in american politics. kphaoedly after the announcement they said happy anniversary to brad and angelina and bought a bullet proof vest for horamba. over the break i would like you to write another announcement a little too late. we will get your answers right after the break with more "@midnight." the original light beer, back in its original bottle.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to the "@midnight" program. before the break i told you about twitters purge of trolls and white nationalists. give me another announcement a little too little too late. >> hey, everybody. i'm a goose. me and my goose friends are about to fly into sully's plane. super sorry about that. ahhh. >> chris: alright. hey, everyone lived. it's fine. arielle. >> hey, guys. it's me, anthony weiner. i'm going in today to have my dick cut off. >> chris: james.
>> hi, i'm dr. ben carson. and you know what, i don't think i'm qualified for a government position. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. i will do a thousand points to james davis, a thousand points to arielle and 500 points to dan levy. >> come on, goose jokes. hris: i know. >> can't we just leave the geese alone, dan. >> chris: went we just -- honk if you love geese. come on, guys. come on. it's time for back in black friday. very close game be quick on the buzzers. grab your folding chair and brass knuckles and head down to the mall because black friday is almost here! i mean, sure, some cowards will tell you that you could probably get the same flat-screen on amazon for less the following monday, but you know it'll be
sweeter if you also get your nose broke in a food court by a guy on a rascal scooter. it just makes you feel so alive! you're working for it. comedians, as an employee presiding over black friday madness, i want you to give me as many in-store announcements as you can. 60 seconds, begin. arielle. >> who ever left a small child in isle 7, he's up for grabs. >> chris: points. james davis. >> this is president elect trump, why don't we have a white friday. [laughing] >> chris: that's something he would say. points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: arielle. >> attention all shoppers make peace with your god. >> chris: points. -- >> you make a weapon oust it you buy it. >> chris: points. arielle. >> there are a few more iphones in the teargas crowd over this. >> chris: james. >> -- from the united states. chris: forming their own government.
dan. >> attention shoppers, i hate my life. i should have finished college. >> chris: points. perfect. that's the end of back in black friday. dan levy you're in third place we must eliminate you. i'm so sorry. any last words before we push you face first out into the streets of los angeles? >> number one, tkpwoes are funny. [laughing] >> number two, i beg you to wash my special "dan leyy lying." >> chris: yes. watch and now let's bathe him in the warming glow of the red lights. there is dan. stewing in his own juices under the heat lambs. it's time to forget to remember to forget. it's for the win. [cheers and applause] varsity twitterer "jonnysunn" got fed up with staring blankly at his phone, so he invented
"tinycarebot," a computer thingie that sends you helpful reminders to do things you might have forgotten to care about. remember to take a quick break to drink water. please remember to look up from your screen. remember to look outside, please. passive aggressive. your family has been pounding on the dor for the last half hour. they want to know what you are doing in there with the water running the entire time. what are you doing. comedians, we all forget to do stuff like drink water and look outside. i want you to tweet me your own helpful reminders to help us get through this howling, fanged anus we call life. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause]
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♪ ♪ hi, how can i help? ♪ [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. i will wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud, and you the audience will decide the winner. your wife thought you were dead, so she remarried! before the break i told you about "tinycarebot," a twitter creature that texts you little reminders to help improve the quality of your hellish excuse
for a life. i asked you to tweet me some of your own helpful reminders. let's see what you wrote. first one ... please remember to give your lyft driver five stars because that [beep] knows where you live. [cheers and applause] >> chris: or number two ... please remember to look up from your phone while you cross the street. there is a [beep] bus coming. [cheers and applause] >> chris: who was number one? james davis. you won the internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! excellent work. thank you for being with us. great job, james davis. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be bridget everett, justin martindale and willam belli. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #sickbands and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other.
you adorable collection -- [cheers and applause] ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪
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all indications are that his transition is going to be fine. we're just doing some finishing touches, but everything went well. you can see him now if you like. i'll go. [ clears throat ] [ air hissing ] well, do i look presidential? honestly, you look 20 years younger. they really worked on my stank face. look -- whenever i don't know what people are talking about, i can just do this. wait, look -- do this. this is -- this is my stank face. it's like i'm not listening to you, see? they did a really good job on my stank lips. it's an amazing transition. now i feel ready to take care of business and do what really matters. in just a minute. i'm gonna do the uv rays a bit longer.
can i help you? hello, i understand that you're trying to get to mars. this is my girlfriend, heidi. she's really smart and really funny. okay. we've given up social media, and we'd like to be somewhere as far from the internet as possible. is it true mars would have really shitty wi-fi? that'd be an understatement, yes. well, we'd like to go. we can't tolerate this world anymore, and we'd like to talk to whoever we can about getting to mars as soon as possible, please. uh-huh. take a number and join the others. what others? [ garbled and autotuned ] ♪ we are the... what the [bleep] dude?! a lot of people want to leave the planet right now. aw, god damn it. is that cher?! ♪ do you believe the world, oh ♪ god damn it! how the [bleep] did this happen? [ knock on door ] uh, sorry, pc principal, but someone wants to speak with you. i told you to leave me alone, mackey. i'm not in the mood. but -- but, sir... the president-elect is here.