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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  November 18, 2016 2:10am-2:41am PST

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parody songs from theater school dropouts trying to go viral. now, you know who makes good songs, quality songs about food. weird al, and that is it. he is the definitive voice in that realm. 3 i'm going to show you a thanksgiving song, and for 250 points, you're going to have to answer a question about it. first up, here's a parody for frustrated moms. ♪ i sit, sit, chardon-nae-nae. i've been cooking since 4:30 ♪ ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: the mom whose babies get wasted after nursing. ( laughter ) comedians, what's her thanksgiving prayer? william. >> dear, officer, how much can't
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can a white girl can't if a white girl can't even. >> chris: very good. justin. >> dear god, please let the clowns take the kids into the woods this year. ( laughter ) >> chris: points. ( applause ) next up, a video with a message! ♪ this brush can't last forever tell me what you hate and more ♪ ( laughter ) >> chris: comedians, say something nice about this video. william. >> this is from "now that's what i call genocide." >> chris: >> chris: points. >> pearl jam.
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>> chris: volume four. bridget. >> well, it's a real step up from his black-face video so there's that. >> chris: points. , point. i know what you're saying. chris, this segment needs more terrible white rappers. here you go ( bleep )! ♪ thanksgiving in my house savory fowl ♪ >> chris: comedians, we know he likes it when you call him big turkey. what are some of this guy's other nicknames? justin. >> notorious ( bleep ) ( bleep ) t. >> chris: points. point. sense i'm a merciful host, i'll show you a thanksgiving song that is actually pretty ( bleep ) dope. here is a remix from a gospel sermon. ♪ greens, beans, tomato, lambs
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♪ potatoes, tomatoes. >> chris: comedians i shall now drop what we refer to in the business as a nasty beat. and in the style of shirley caesar, you're going to tell me what sides you're having for thanksgiving. william. ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) ♪ i got your ( bleep ) and some gravy ♪ down with vodka make you think that i'm a lady ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> came through on that one!
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>> chris: bridget. ♪ ♪ ♪ i got chardonnay, chardonnay, chardonnay, chardonnay, chardonnay, chardonnay, chardonnay, chardonnay, chardonnay ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: oh! that's perfect. ( cheers and applause ) you should-- you should take that lady's kids from the earlier video. >> chris: that's the end of sucksgiving. >> chris: that's the end of with 1,000 points author of "suck less: where there's a willam, there's a way," available where books are sold, it's willam belli. ( cheers and applause ) with 750 points performing at the comedy ucbstore.com, justin martindale.
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with 750 points performing at the el rey theater in l.a. this friday and saturday, more dates at bridgeteverett.net, it's bridget everett. ( cheers and applause ) >> we all do, bridget. we all do. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: by the way, with a-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> they're better warm, chris, they're better warm. is there i just want to point out, uncrustables make great tits. if you are in the market. >> ( bleep ) moon pies. >> chris: thank you so much. i don't know if you've already eaten half of it.
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( laughter ) and now it's time for tonight's "#hashtag wars." there are countless classic movies about holidays. christmas? "a christmas story." halloween? halloween! flag day? "paul blart 2!" but what about thanksgiving? besides "planes, trains, and automobiles," there's practically nothing. how come turkey day is a real turkey when it comes to cinema? well, we thought we'd address that deficit with tonight's hashtag. #thanksgivingmovies some examples: "cranberry cran ross" and "children of the cornucopia." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock and begin. >> dark meat rises. >> how stella got her grieve back. >> stuffing private ryan. >> chris: points. bridget.
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>> perry presents madiah's black friday. >> chris: bridget. >> green eggs and bam! >> the hand that rocks the kids' table. >> chris: points. >> fantastic meats and where to find them. >> chris: yes, points. points for that. justin martindale. >> don't tell mom the baby-sitter's dead, and i'm gay. >> chris: points. that's the end of "#hashtag wars." send us your #thanksgivingmovies and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." >> congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's "#hashtag wars." well played. ♪ sing girl, come on. ♪[ singing ]♪
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♪ mus♪c throughout ok google, turn on the hall lights. ok google, turn up the music. daddy! ok google, what's the weather? do babies dream? how do you say nice to meet you, in spanish? ok google, dim the downstairs lights. (yells) surprise!
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"@midnight." >> chris: welcome back to now we're going to take an uncomfortably close look at a befuddling online trend in a segment we call "@midnight deep dive." ( cheers and applause ) the internet, it has something for everyone to masturbate to. nowhere is this more true than on amazon, where amateur authors produce digital-only stories, where humans get it on with dinos, gryphons and all other manner of bestie, both historical and mythical. but the master of the is a mysterious figure named chuck tingle, who, since 2014, has written over 80 micro-novels with titles like "space raptor butt invasion, "creamed in the butt by my handsome living corn." >> i'm listening! >> me, too! and my favorite, "happy birthday frankenstein, now pound my butt. ( cheers and applause )
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it's not frankenstein. it looks like 70s hulk. comedians, what's a line you might read in this amazing erotic horror tale? willam. >> ( bleep ) me so hard gene wilder can feel. >> chris: points. bridget. >> fire bad. paying attention to boss, good! >> it's that show. >> frankenstein, violently ripped off his own head so he could easily suck his own. >> chris: points. that's what you do if you have a removable head. the reclusive mr. tingle is incredibly prolific, churning -- there he is, there he is. >who is tig? no one knows and it's driving me
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( bleep ) bananas. i've had my entire staff scour the internet. i even went to the pet ucbstore.com and shoved a geko up my butt hoping he would appear. but only thing that happened was i could not stop ejaculating and i saved 15% on more on my car insurance. here's what we do know. his name is most likely a pseudonym. his author photo is some kind of stock photo from a stock photo site. comedian, what's the title for a powerpoint presentation that might use the stock photos. >> that looks like lifeafter your wife takes the kids away. >> chris: points. willem. >> tai-kqon, though thank you. >> die alone and how to do it. >> chris: points. the eagle-eyed tingle detective will find some clues on his youtube channel.
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let's take from trailer for his book "buttception," that features a house with the address "703." here's where it gets weird. listen, listen, this is serious. >> this is where it gets weird. >> chris: this is the weird part! chuck has trolled men's right's activist vox day, who once appeared on the podcast the tom woods show: episode 703. in his videos, tingle also wears a bag on his head, just like the performance art piece by shia lebeouf, who is often lusted after on twitter by @maryjane703, who lives in alexandria, virginia, area code 703. there's more! i know. i know. scoop your brains back into your head because you're going to need them to process it. if that distribute blow your mind, we found catholic law review case 703 that has to do with sodomy laws, and the name of the case? "bowers v. hardwick." oh, my god! oh, my god! i'm in this, too! first of all, i was innocent.
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second of all, the only explanation i have is to be the subject of his next book. comedians, what should be the name of my tingle story. >> singled out by singled out part two. >> chris: points. very good. bridget. >> tingle me elmo, chris hardwick gets soft. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> somebody must have gotten in cold water! >> chris: justin. >> action figures i've sat on, on purpose. >> chris: points. points. you can see i'm very passionate about this so i'd like to talk to chuck himself. chuck, if you're out there, i admire your prolific nature and insane creativity. i'd like nothing more than to be the subject of one of your erotic yarns. that you spin on the amazon. in fact, i'm going to give you a cover image to start the
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process. can we set the mood? disco ball. can i get some dino-hunks in here, please? ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: this should get your creative juices flowing. put me on your book. go write your masterpiece. guys, i would like you to tweet tig and tell him chris hardwick deserves to have his butt pounded by some weird creature or object! make it happen! we'll be right back with more "@midnight"! our mission is to produce programs and online content
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for african women as they try to build their businesses and careers. my name is yasmin belo-osagie and i'm a co-founder at she leads africa. i definitely could not do my job without technology. this windows 10 device, the touchscreen allows you to kind of pinpoint what you're talking about. which makes communication much easier and faster than the old mac that i used to use. you can configure it in so many different ways, it just, i don't know, it feels really cool. i feel like i'm in the future.
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guys, i'm good. now you don't have to distract yourself to last longer. with new k-y duration spray, men everywhere can last longer and stay in the moment. new k-y duration. you too?
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the ofor a limited time. back in its original bottle. the same great tasting 96-calorie miller lite. just a little dressed up for the holidays. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "beard judgments." "beard judgments." if you're wondering why the world is looking a little more tom selleck-y lately, it's because it's mo-vember!
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that's when guys grow facial hair to raise awareness of men's health issues. now, this is a fantastic cause, but stache growers should be aware: according to a new study, people make judgements about men based on the length of their facial hair. for instance, men with stubble are more attractive for short-term relaionships, men with beards for long-term relationships, and men with handlebar moustaches should shut up about their mumford & sons cover band and get me my latte already. ( applause ) i have a wonderful beard. her name is lydia. we just got married in august. ( laughter ) ( applause ) thank you, justin. comedians, i'm going to show you a man with facial hair and you're going to have to make a snap judgement about them. first up? justin. >> this man obviously wants you to know the divorce went through. >> chris: points. next one: bridget. >> oh, that guy ( bleep ) when
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he makes love, ladies. >> chris: points. next up: willam. >> the kid from "room" grew up to be just fine. >> chris: points. ( laughter ) ( applause ) all right, next up: justin. >> this guy thinks westworld is real and can't wait to go to there. >> chris: points. points. next one: willam. >> this is why the child warning. >> oh, look, it's willam's fifth grade year book poster. laugh. >> chris: points. that's the end of "beard judgments." you can't eliminate anyone! this is a good group. i like this group. everyone's going to "for the win." win.." ( cheers and applause ) i can't. you're too good at this "p" you're too good at this!
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that means it's time to take this bird and stuff it. it's for the win! ( cheers and applause ) if the idea of taking your girlfriend or boyfriend home for the holidays feels uncomfortable for any reason, here's some advice: just get rid of them. it's a tradition! listen, why take a shaky relationship home to eat green bean casserole with your racist uncle showing off his pair fo new balance while also pretending that your step-mom's alcoholism isn't getting out of control when she pours gravy in your dad's wine glass? and you gotta buy the ( bleep ) christmas gifts with the money you could be using to purchase unlimited likes on tinder. then there's new year's, then there's valentine's day, and before you know it, you're daydreaming about poisoning the easter peeps. so instead of facing these hard realities with a person who might not be the one, just send them a break-up text. comedians, i want you to construct the perfect text to holiday breakup text with someone before the holidays.
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we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight.
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it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe. wipe, wipe, wipe. some salted caramels. they started off as regular caramels. oh, yeah. >> oh, baby! >> chris: hopefully no one has a nut allergy.
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i will read your answers aloud, and you, the audience, will decide the winner. before the break, we all agreed that our relationships are doomed, and it's better to just break it off before you have to find out your partner's dietary restrictions for thanksgiving. i asked you to come up with the perfect break-up text. for the holidays. let's see what you wrote. first one: sorry, turkey jerky, i'm spending thanksgiving blowing straight guys off craigslist. make america gay again! ( cheers and applause ) number two: look, this isn't working out. it's not me. it's you. you're a crazy pig bottom with a ( bleep ). but i'll see you at thanksgiving because i'm ( bleep ) your brother. bye, queen! ( cheers and applause ) number three: hey, champ, thanks for the good time but santa's in town, and he's going to lick my ( bleep ) like an ice cream cone. ( cheers and applause ) i think it was number one. who was number one?
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willam belli has won the internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all on cyber monday when our guests will be pete holmes, hari kondabolu and joe derosa. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #thanksgivingmovies and become monday's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. have a wonderful holiday. have an incredible thanksgiving. be nice to each other. everyone needs that right now. i love you. i ( bleep ) love you. bye-bye. >> live from the venetian hotel in las vegas, it's the republican debate, with your moderator, wolf blitzer. [ cheers and applause ] >> good evening. for those of you who missed our earlier undercard debate, featuring mike huckabee and rick santorum, well, the results are in, and everybody lost. now let's meet the candidates. nine are here tonight. the five who actually have a chance are donald trump...
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[ cheers and applause ] ...ted cruz... [ cheers and applause ] ...ben carson... [ cheers and applause ] ...marco rubio... [ applause ] ...and poor, sweet jeb bush. [ applause ] would the rest of you just wave so your parents know you're here? >> hey, baba booey! >> we begin with the frontrunner, mr. trump. your opening remarks? >> debates -- [ cheers and applause ] >> debates are stupid. you should be paying me, and wolf blitzer looks like papa smurf. >> um, wolf, may i take a desperate swing at donald now? >> go ahead, mr. bush. >> this is what he does! he says these offensive things. then he bullies anyone who challenges him. well, guess what -- you can't insult your way to the presidency. >> oh, really, jughead? 'cause i'm at 43%, you're at 3%.
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jeb, you're a nice guy, but you're a lightweight, and i know for a fact that you pee sitting down. >> no, i don't. >> yes, you do. >> all right. let's go to ted cruz. senator, you said you will relentlessly carpet-bomb isis. is this a real strategy? >> well, wolf, if i'm president, i can promise you isis will hate me, and how do i know? because everyone who knows me hates me. democrats hate me. republicans hate me. i have what doctors call a punchable face. politico actually did a poll, and i was voted the candidate most people wanted to throw a beer at. so look out, isis, because i'm gonna crash your party, and just like every party i go to, i'm gonna ruin it. >> governor christie, what steps would you take to keep americans safe? >> wolf, i would like to answer that with a series of fear-mongering statements. >> go ahead. >> we are under attack, and we are all gonna di

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