tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central November 21, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PST
will be divided when we wake up tomorrow. this is an area that oh, oh no. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ral >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight when the day resets and we announce a winner. but we're all warns here. i'm chris hardwick. so 2016 has been described by meteorologists as a "class 5. (bleep)-show." so want to take a break from the bad news of the world, courtesy worldwide web? well, let's do it. because honestly you guys we have been-- we have been neck deep in crap news this entire year between terrorism and zika and the election virus and losing people, pop culture icons that we love! what the ( bleep ), 2016! what the serious ( bleep )? so 2016 has definitely been the year of no chill. so we decided that we were going
to give you a mental break from all that stuff tonight. the entire show is an escape-pod for you emotionally. let's start with my sweater. i feel better surrounded by fuzzy wuzzy bears, all right? it covers up by boo-boos. i feel better when i get stressed out and go, "what am i going to do?" sp al shows up and goes, "no problem, chris. no problem!" so tonight, everything we're doing is cuter than a bug's ear, and a bug's ear is pretty ( bleep ) cute. welcome to has. here we are. or cat midnight, if you want. all right. one of the biggest stories of the election was wikileaks, the hacking organization led by julian assange, a.k.a. men's rights sephiroth, who is possibly aided by russia and whose revelations may have swung the election. but who gives a ( bleep ) about any of that anymore!
his cat wears a tie! oh, my god! he's stuck in that embassy all these years. that's probably his best friend and probable lover. we don't know. who would you rather ( bleep )? a human or a cat? it's a tie. i know. ha! i kill me! comedians, julian assange has spilled a lot of government secrets. what's a secret he might learn from his cat? randy? i'm sorry, i forknot to mention, we changed the buzzers today. >> garfield doesn't hate mondays. he hates mormons. it's a typo. sara schaefer. >> three dogs died in bone-ghazi. >> chris: points. flula. >> a cat lady's aren't actually
lonely. they are secretly super hot intercourse machines. >> chris: all right, points. skews me. breaking news. reports coming in that there's a dog-- no, not a dog, a puppy that is threatening to kill bystand wers cuteness. we have to check in on this going live to what appears to be someone's bathroom floor. jack, take us there, please. oh, the humanity. what a truly adorable moment. we'll bring you live, real-time updates as they come on, on tub watch 2016. remember you heard it here first on "@midnight." the first and only network brave us to bring you tub watch. please stay with us and don't "paws" your dvrs. now back to our regularly scheduled program. next, "some pigs." one of the stories captivating the nation tonight: two fun guinea pig buddies are sharing a healthy snack. we take you to the twitter video, already in progress.
>> audience: oh! ( applause ) comedians, qur question about this video: what's the name of this hard-core porno? randy. >> do me in a urine-soaked pile of newspapers. >> chris: all right, volume four. >> yeah, yeah. >> chris: points. flula. >> very strange. >> chris: it is very strange. >> two pigs, one snack. >> chris: all right, point. sara schaefer. >> rabies and the tramp. >> chris: yes, points, very good. ( applause ) >> chris: next, "all dogs go to college." courtesy of the "aww" subreddit, here's a pup named boba who's a certified cutie pie. that's a good boy! oh! by the way, that degree took him 28 dog years to get. comedians, what was this collared co-ed's major?
randy? >> dingleberry horticulture. >> chris: all right, point. sara. >> psychology with a focus on emotionally supporting a fragile white woman who cannot even. >> chris: all right, points. flula. >> advanced resting bitch face. ( laughter ) ( applause ) points. very scweet. just for the fun of it i'll give you all each 100 point because i feel good. i feel good all right! i'm sorry, just kidding. breaking news. now, back to tub watch 2016 update. updates now. the total count is now 17 dead from cuteness. let's check in with the puppy's progress and see how he's doing with that bath live from the scene. >> audience: oh!
( applause ) >> chris: looks like something a muppet baby coves up when he chokes on cotton candy. it is ( bleep ) adorable. i would like you to give me an eyewitness description of the perp so that people can be on the lookout. >> it looks like a deer has poopped on the cloud. >> chris: points. these are little poops. >> tiny deer poo-pooglz that's adorable. aren't you guys feeling better already about the world? showing the good stuff out there? >> chris: that's the end of "rapid refresh." let's check the scoreboards. with 600 points, his new album "animalbum" is available now on itunes, it's flula borg. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: with 600 points, her new digital series "woman online" is coming soon to
seriously.tv, its sara schaefer. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: with 500 points, performing at doc's lab in san francisco november 21, it's randy liedtke. ( cheers and applause ) and now ( bleep ) the world while it burns. it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars." ( cheers and applause ) guys, what's cuter than cats? baby cats! that's what's cuter than cats. an audible gasp from a woman in the audience who has never seen a cat in baby form before. they're called kittens. that's what we call them, ma'am. since we're fully committed to keeping this episode as cute as possible, tonight's hashtag is #cattv. examples might be "paw and
order." >> the theme song is note mao, meow, meow ♪ 60 seconds for you on the clock and begin. lincol. >> sex and the kitty. >> chris: points. flula. >> desperate house cats. >> chris: points. sara. >> who wants to be a meow-yanair. >> chris: points. randy. >> litter box on the prairie. >> chris: points. sara. >> eastbound and put down. >> chris: points. points. flula. >> meow-derk meow-der she wrote. >> chris: points.
randy. >> meow-use, instead of house. >> two and a half men who are also allergic to cats. >> chris: points. very good, very good. >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #cattv and tag them "@midnight" to keep this adorable game going. we'll be right back with more "i can haz midnight." our tweet-of-the-day from last night's "hashtag war" was sent to us by @ [cellphone ring] uh oh, should have put that phone on silent. luckily, jay chews trident to help clean and protect his teeth, so he can hide his guilt with a convincing grin. that's it jay, they'll never know. trident. cherish your teeth. i'll have that goat cheese garden salad. that gentleman got the last one. sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. can i keep the walnuts? sold. but i get to pick your movie. can i pick the genre?
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( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "i can haz midnight." we had a bunch of cats here, but alf ate them. i'm sorry. we are stuffing your eyeballs with adorable bull-(bleep) tonight so we don't have to look at the pain of reality for a while! i know. i know. i know. let's just live in this bubble, you guys. let's live in this bubble all the time. we'll all just be a weird creepy aunt who is not checked in all the way. i'm fine with that. i'm fine with it. it's time to play "animals are assholes too." the subreddit "animalsbeingjerks" is full of fuzzy widdle cuddle muffins who love chaos and destwuction, especially if it (bleep) over their humans! but maybe we're just misinterpreting our pets' actions as aggressive when they're only trying to help us, like an intervention, but with cat hair and broken dishware. so, comedians, i'm going to show you an animal being a jerk, and
for 250 points, i want you to tell me how they are actually helping out. first, this helpful hound. ( laughter ) >> audience: oh! ( applause ) >> chris: i'd call that consent. ( laughter ) how is she lending a paw? flula. >> she's saying, "no, no, no, don't do it. today is actually leg day!" >> chris: that's very helpful. >> you want to rest and recover next up, this judge you fluff ball. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( laughter ) ( cheers )
>> chris: yeah. honestly, i gotta start with the-- anyone with a thumb pick is too intense, too intense. what kind thing was he doing? randy? >> that's tom petty's dog preventing sam smith from stealing more of his music. >> chris: all right. points. flula. >> he's reminding him that he left his kid in that hot car. >> chris: points. point. >> chris: next up, elephant seal against the machine. >> audience: oh! ( laughter ) >> oh! >> chris: how is this helping? sara. >> he's just trying to hump start of battery. >> chris: hey, nice, points,
points. beautiful! a flawless execution. flula. >> this is actually how you make a baby submarine. >> chris: all right, points. oh, i-- i thought someone built those. it's just an elephant seal ( bleep )? >> you do this, you wait nine years, and then you have a submarine. >> chris: next, a role reversal. ( laughter ) >> chris: every day we've been alive this year, it's been an infinite of pain? how is this hosing helpful? flula? >> it's not. >> chris: okay, points. sara. >> he saw his owner swipe right 36 times in a row, and he said, "man, you're too thirsty." >> chris: points.
very good. >> every minute we cling tenuously to the thread of the idea that everything might be okay some day. and if your local pond is full of guillotine duck heads it's because the ducks have chosen a new king, seen here in his castle, beakingham palace. this nowle flew to the top of reddit because he looks like a monarch with his pasty whiteness and dobie underby the. real kings don't eat bread, they're inbred. it's different. please give us a decree from this royal quack addict. we'll get your answers right after the break. we'll be back with more cat midnight.
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." "i can haz midnight." this whole damn episode is nothing but puppies and rainbows, and if you don't like it, you can sit on a rotten egg, mr. meany, because the world is a ( bleep ) pile. before the break, i told you that the ducks haven't been flying south for the winter. they've been going to pay tribute to their new ruler. and i asked you to give me a decree from this royal quack addict. let's see what you wrote. sara schaefer. >> today, we celebrate my neck. my back. ( laughter ) my pussy. and my quack. >> chris: oh, very good. ( cheers and applause ) very good. randy! >> we are so much better than
the previous duck dynasty. sure, we can't read and we live in the swamps, but when we ( bleep ) on your porch, it's not because you're gay. >> chris: all right, very good. ( applause ) flula. >> citizens, today our great duck nation merges with the kingdom of chicken, and the republic of turkey to format empire of turducken. >> chris: all right. ( cheers and applause ) 1,000 point to flula. 500 to sara, 250 to randy as we go to our next game, "rescue dog 911." a redditor by the name of "solsed" recently posed this question to reddit: "if dogs had a 911 hotline, what dog emergencies would they call it for?" and people responded with gems like this one from "toogoodforsauce," "somebody parked my neighbor's
car at my neighbor's house, and now they're going into my neighbor's house!" ( laughter ) comedians, who's a good comedian. you're good comedians, yes, you are! i want you to come up with as many emergencies you might hear on a dog 911 call as you can. in 60 seconds. >> i want to report a hate crime. i thought when they leave. >> chris: points. >> someone has been following me all day-- that's just my tail. >> chris: points. sara. >> truck! i heard a truck. >> chris: points. flula. >> hello, 6377, i would like to report a dog emergency. i don't know numbers! >> chris: points. flula. >> hey, emergency, emergency! i have not smelled another dog's anus in eight minutes. please send a dog anus immediately! >> chris: points. ( cheers ) >> chris: that's the end of "rescue dog 911." this has been such a warm, fuzzy
day, i couldn't possibly eliminate anyone and send them back out into the leaking rectum that is the world right now. everyone just hug it out. we're all going to go to "for the win" together. that means it is time to cute the crap. it's "for the win." we sincerely hope today's adorable broadcast has helped to soothe your inflamed nervous systems. two girls, one pup. ( laughter ). >> why did you have to ( bleep ) all over it? >> chris: why did i-- hey, sara schaefer, it's me, alf! everything's okay! wanting to crawl up a cute cat's ass is a perfectly normal human reaction to stress. well, that and cutting. you know, this has been a tough week, and i think we all just want to relax, drink a big glass of chloroform, and get some sleep, like this 'lil guy from the hit series "comedians in carseats pooping themselves."
>> hey, buddy. you tired? >> yeah. >> yeah? can't keep your eyes open? >> yeah. >> you want to go to sleep, i can-- you go ahead. go to sleep. i'll-- ( laughter ) >> chris: comeds than year has been the worse and there's still a month and a half left so i would like you to give me a title to a cute bedtime for story 2016 that might help us get a good night's sleep for a change. ♪ daddy!! did you get my surprise? ♪ it's the little things that make life rich. ritz. i'...marvel studios.and i'm an executive producer at... if my office becomes a plane or an airport the... ...surface pro's perfect.
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why? you get a little cranky when you're hungry. better? much better. this scene will never make the cut. >> chris: welcome back to "i can haz midnight." has the world felt like a toilet full of acid! no problem. we have the cure for you. it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read the answers aloud-- he's not real, it's not a real guy. i will ar read the answer out l. to sleep, perchance to dream. i asked you to give me the names of some cute bedtime stories that might put america at ease so it can get a little rest. let's see what you came up with. gone with the ( bleep ) i no longer give. ( cheers and applause ) all right, very good. i'm getting sleepy already.
number two, number two. the conduct i cuck in the hat! ( cheers and applause ) or number 3: country( bleep ) mouse, citi ( bleep ) mouse. i believe our ciewsness adorable meters has revealed number one is the winner. who was the first one. flula borg has won the internet. and is @mustbethemeds have won a very special tag team partner a "game on thrones" gift card. you won your tag team partner a gamestop gift card! and thank you to gamestop, who has generously awarded our entire studio audience with gamestop gift cards! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be james davis, dan levy and arielle vandenberg. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #cattv and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. guys, i know it's been crazy here. let's just ( bleep ) stick together. let's keep looking at cats.