tv The Daily Show Comedy Central February 21, 2017 1:40am-2:11am PST
and trust me, my wife is a crazy bitch. she and all the other women in the world are about to get payback, and we are all completely [bleep] it's my fault, really. i've done things my whole life that gradually broke her spirit. and now that she's lost everything, let me assure you, she is piiiiiiissed. now our only chance is to keep our heads low and act like we're changed men. because we're very close to the end. the end? of what? women are sick of our shit, son. and soon, they're gonna know everything we've said and done online. and unless we start kissing their asses, we're all gonna be put in a big chamber underground
and milked for our semen. eric, we're so far from home. we aren't gonna see home again, babe. we're gonna make it. there's no turning back. do you really think there's hope? yes. i do. - february 20th, 2017. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york. this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. - last night, the first and last first black president of the united states said his good-bye to the 20,000 of his closest friends. and you could tell obama was really the president of millenials because the entire speech seemed like one giant subtweet. - if something needs fixing then lace up your shoes
and do some organizing. if you're tired of arguing with strangers on the internet, try talking with one of them in real life. - i don't say this often, but i do not agree with the president. do not meet people that you've argued with on the internet. it will end with you bleeding in an alley. don't do it. don't do it. you know, last night's speech felt less like a farewell address and more like a parent who's going on vacation telling his kids how to behave while he's away. he's like, "all right, american kids, uh...race relations, "you'll find those in the fridge. "make sure you know the supreme court justice "before you let him in. "and your babysitter, yeah, he's coming soon. "stop complaining; you chose him. "you chose him. do what he says. "but if he asks you to take a shower, "you should probably say no, probably say no. that's what you do. probably say no." can i just take a second here, guys, like... how is all of this real? no, like, how is this politics? how is this what we're talking about?
'cause what happened yesterday, i mean, you could not have a bigger juxtaposition between the president america is losing and the president america is gaining. like, did you know that last night, the number-one trending topic on twitter was "obama farewell." and the second trending topic, no kidding, was "golden shower." [laughter] in three days, barack obama will no longer be the official president of the united states. no, no, he'll still be the unofficial president. because you know why? there's no term limits in people's hearts. audience: aww! - now with less than a week to go, before you're no longer president, you'd think barack would spend most of his time playing xbox in the situation room with joe biden. you know, just hanging out, eating pizza, look at that! they look like they're having fun. obama's just like, "boom, now you're the second guy who died on this screen." on the real, though, president obama has been busy over the last few weeks, not only
trying to cement his legacy, but also working on the transition to president trump. but what i've noticed is it feels less like a transfer of power and more like obama has been baby-proofing america. no, no, which makes sense, because american has essentially elected a giant baby. and like any good parent, you need to bolt things to the wall, you move valuables to the high shelves, you baby-cade the stairs, you know? because as much as you chose this little [bleep], you know that they're probably gonna destroy the place. you know that this is true. [cheers and applause] and that-- and that is exactly what obama's trying to prevent. take, for example, the environment. we know baby trump doesn't believe in climate change or restricting oil drilling or moving towards green energy. and so papa obama's, you know, he's taking some of that land and he's putting it on a higher shelf. - president obama banned drilling this week in hundreds of millions of acres of the arctic and atlantic oceans and used a 1953 law to ensure
a more difficult process for the next administration to reverse that prohibition. - the president's last bid at environmental measures, including his designation of two new national monuments-- bears ears in utah and gold butte in nevada. there's a push to dial it back but undoing a national monument is uncharted territory. - damn. obama had to use a law from 1953 to get this done. you know a black man is desperate when his best option is to get laws from 1953. ain't no good [bleep] waiting for you there, man. there's no good [bleep] there. everyone's like, "don't go there, obama!" he's like, "i gotta go. i gotta go. we're gonna use this regulation, and if you'll excuse me, i'm gonna take a sip from this colored water fountain. mm." [laughter] i did love this, though. you know, one of the places obama declared a national monument was an area called gold butte. which is genius, because you know there's no way trump is going to unprotect anything with "gold butt" in the title.
trump's gonna be like, "that's the best part of it. i love it. that's a monument." but the environment's not the only thing obama's worried about. there's also america's legally dubious prison facility, guantanamo bay, which obama has spent his entire presidency trying to shut down. - today, oman is accepting ten more prisoners for temporary residence. the latest transfers leave 45 detainees at guantanamo. - the administration estimates it will soon cost $10 million per year per guantanamo detainee and they say that exorbitant costs should be reason enough for the next president to shut it down. - if you think donald trump cares about cost or reason, you've learned nothing from the last year. because baby trump has other plans. - gitmo, right? guantanamo bay. which, by the way-- which, by the way, we are keeping open. which we are keeping open. and we're gonna load it up with some bad dudes, believe me.
we're gonna load it up. - with some bad dudes. bad dudes, get on in there. yeeah! and obama's trying to baby-trump-proof everything he can. think about it. he rallied democrats to fight to keep the affordable care act so that 20 millions would not go uninsured. he's made it harder for states to deny funding to planned parenthood. not to mention, he changed the password on the white house computer to "popularvotelol." and on top of that, just last week, president obama's justice department released a damning report exposing the chicago police department for routinely trampling on civil rights and using excessive force, which was chiefly aimed at african americans and latinos. yeah. and the reason the obama administration rushed this report out was because they knew. when jeff sessions is running baby trump's justice department, the only reports we're gonna get about the police is about how handsome they are. which they are, but that's not the point. i'll tell you this. we better hope that papa obama can baby-proof
as much as possible before the baby's in the house because if there's one thing we know about this baby, it's never gonna grow up. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] and now we unleash it onwerful your taxes.pecies has created. we'll be right back. hello my name is watson. yep. h&r block and ibm watson together. creating a future of more money going back into the pockets of more families. welcome to taxes won. h&r block with watson. come see us and get your taxes won. hwith 5 lines for justw at$100 per month.ss. plus, switch and get up to 5 free samsung galaxy amp 2 smartphones. so get more, save more and get down. cricket wireless. something to smile about readwinner gets the cheetos!
it's go time. lights out. ok, not funny you guys. this is not how we play hide and seek. that's what you think pops. [from the bathroom]: alright, very funny, let me out. and the student has surpassed the master. an ipad pro is not even well, ipad pro isn't a computer. it's actually faster than most laptops, has lte like your phone, and a touch screen you can write on. so you're kinda right. wooooooohhhhhh! i'm kinda right! athank you, but next time.... this is the beer we drink. eberhard anheuser. adolphus busch. ♪
- over the last decade, the gop has been led in the senate by majority leader mitch mcconnell and throughout that time, him and his team have been focused on one thing. - senator mitch mcconnell did an interview with "national journal." in it he said, "the single most important thing we want to achieve is for president obama to be a one-term president." - you said, "the single most important thing we want to achieve is for president obama to be a one-term president." - well, that is true. that's my single most important political goal, along with every active republican in the country. - "well, that is true." [laughter] why does he sound so sassy when he says it? "well, that is true." it's like he's being forced to admit something, but he's secretly glad he finally gets to talk about it. yeah, i heard when your wife is out of town, you like to sleep on her side of the bed. - well, that is true. - ohh!
i also heard that you get fully naked in the dressing room at the gap. - well, that is true. [laughter] - but jokes aside, mitch mcconnell, don't you think, as a public servant, your number-one priority, instead of blocking the president, should be serving the public? - well, that is true. - anyway. we'll never really know how mcconnell's plan to limit obama turned out. but yesterday, he moved on to plan b and that is erasing obama's legacy. - congress is moving full steam ahead to get rid of obamacare. - we have on the floor of the senate now, the obamacare repeal resolution. the priorities between now and january 20th are... - [clears throat] seems like you have some bull[bleep] stuck in your throat. [clearing throat] [cheers and applause] although, to be honest,
it actually looks like you have a separate throat just for bull[bleep]. that's what--it's like he's got that frog thing that, like-- like instead of taking healthcare away from millions of americans, your priorities should be to repeal whatever that thing is. like, i don't know, like botox it or, i mean, at least turn it into a bowtie or something, just, you know.... yeah, yeah, like that, like that. - and look, don't get me wrong. we all know obamacare isn't perfect, right? it isn't perfect. its mandate wasn't effective. the subsidies didn't cut people's costs enough and some people did lose their doctors. but the big question is, if the gop is going to replace it, then what are they going to replace it with? and please, please, republicans, be specific. - there were virtually no specifics given to reporters on the critically-important issue of replacing the law. - we--we have a plan to replace it. we have plenty of ideas how to replace it. and you'll see as the weeks and months unfold
what we're talking about replacing it. - oh, man, you'll see! oh-ho, man! oh-ho-oh! when my plan gets here, you're gonna be sorry. oh-ho, oh-ho-ho! 'cause i've got so much ideas! oh-ho-ho! oh, my plan--mitch, stop the car, stop the car! [laughing evilly] my plan! ha-ha-ha! oh-ho-ho-ho! oh, and by the way, i love how slick he throws that in. paul ryan says, "and you'll see as the weeks and months unfold that what we're talking about--" i'm sorry, the weeks and months? you can't just jump from weeks to months. that's a giant space of time. you'll see as the weeks and months unfold that what we're talking about is years and years of not actually doing something. that's what you're talking about. in fact, some republicans are suggesting that they might repeal obamacare but not have the repeal take effect until after the next election. yeah. yeah. so then, it's president kanye's issue, which is pretty slick. pretty slick move, republicans. [cheers and applause] my guest tonight is a columnist for "new york magazine"
and author whose new book is called "audacity: how barack obama defied his critics and created a legacy that will prevail." please welcome jonathan chait. trump says he's going to come in and reverse all of the executive, you know, orders that obama has put into place. he's going to erase obama. he's going to replace obamacare with something much better. so essentially, is that not the legacy that people are worried, you know, donald trump can't erase? - so the idea that obama only did things with executive actions is a myth that republicans used, i think, to attack his programs. and if you read the book, it's not really true. he passed a lot of laws that people were not paying attention to in his first two years. and he did use executive actions but he put these things together in a way that's going to be very durable, even the executive actions. like on the--on the environment. - yeah. - they did a lot of regulations and he made a deal with china on climate change and then they got the world's first climate change agreement
and that's moving forward and the united states may pull out, but the world is not gonna stop caring about climate change so these agreements they put into place, no matter what trump does, i think that's still going to be there. and on obamacare, another great example, everyone said after the election: gone. they're farther away from replacing that thing now than they were after the election. they're moving backwards. they're bleeding votes. every--right, they said, "we know to do," and then it's like, "well, i think we know what to do." and it's like, "does anyone have an idea what we should do?" right, i mean, they're-- they're in chaos. - yeah, well, you gotta replace it with something much better. that's all you gotta do. - right, something better and cheaper. - yes, better and cheaper. - everyone's gonna have great care and it's gonna cost less. - yes, better and cheaper, that's all you need. better and cheaper. i'm glad we agree on this. - in the last eight years with president obama, we actually got birth control covered for 55 million women in this country at no co-pay. including probably some folks here in this audience. [cheers and applause] i actually-- you know, it's interesting, we're at a 30 year low for unintended pregnancy in america. we're at a history low for teenage pregnancy in america.
and that's largely because women have better access to family planning. i would say the american people think that planned parenthood is actually the solution, not the problem, and so-- [audience whooping] yeah, thank you for that. [laughter] but, so i really do think that it is a matter of folks in washington understanding that women's need for healthcare, it's not a partisan issue. and that's what i think women are so perplexed about is, why are people playing politics with women's healthcare in america? and the women who come to planned parenthood, they're republicans, they're democrats, they're independents because they're not coming to make a political statement. they're coming because they need high-quality, affordable healthcare and that's what we provide.
uh... sorry, last thing. it's just $45 per line. forty. five. (cheering and applause) and that is all the microphones that i have. (vo) unlimited on verizon. 4 lines, just $45 per line. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ they gave me the opportunity to support myself from being on the streets. ♪ i want to do a pay it forward, pay for the next person. wow, that is very awesome. ♪
♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] - you aren't here for an interview. you're here to give us a gift, which i'm really grateful for. every single person who's a huge fan of your show that was inspired by the election. - yes, we, uh, made a final obama luther skit. and, um, we thought it only apropos and everybody on twitter was like, "what are you doing? you gotta do something! you gotta do something!" so we're doing it. so it's happening... right now. ["hail to the chief" playing] [cheers and applause] - good evening, my fellow americans. you remember my anger translator, luther. - why hello. - now i've told luther that he can join me for this last address, but that his being on his very best behavior is crucial
to healing the divide in this country. - keep it chill, luther. go against every natural instinct in your body. [inhales deeply] - since we last spoke, the country has voted for a new president. [laughter] - trump! - here we go. - oh, man! come on! come on! really? it's all about the trump! how did this happen, man? get the [bleep] out! y'all gonna vote for the dude that's gonna make america hate again? don't you understand? this is how the hunger games starts! - now, it's true, we all have to accept... - damn! - that... we're gonna have someone else calling the shots. - vladimir putin, y'all! we got a naked russki on horseback gon' be running the show. spasibo, russian mother[bleep]s! - it was a close election, but the people have spoken. - yeah, they voted for hillary clinton, but then this outdated electoral college mumbo-jumbo
voodoo bull[bleep] got in there. - it's more imperative than ever.. - come on! - that we move on as a country united. - united in the fact that we can't [bleep] stand each other. - i have met with president-elect trump and have pledged my support in his transition. - he doesn't even want the job, y'all. i saw it in his eyes. the dude was shook. the only reason he ran is because his factory in china made too many red hats! [high-pitched voice] it's the only reason! - and now, a time-cherished tradition, is that the outgoing president... - dude, don't say outgoing. don't say outgoing. la-la-la-la-la, mama sah mu maka sah. - that's me, leaves the incoming president, a little note in the desk of the oval office. of course, it's completely confidential. - "go [bleep] yourself." - until now. - oh. that's my bad. [cheers and applause] - in summation, thanks, america.
it's been real. it's been good. but it ain't be real good. - apparently, orange is the new black. good luck with the healthcare, assholes. i'm out. - peace. ["hail to the chief" playing] [cheers and applause] - i got my eye on you, pussy grabber. [laughter] - today was extra difficult and not only was it the inauguration of president trump, it was the day we said good-bye to president obama. for more on how to cope with this anguish, we turn now to roy wood jr., everybody. roy wood jr. [cheers and applause] - yeah, trevor! oh, my god, man, so many people crying today, why? what you crying for? don't--don't smile 'cause the journey is over. i mean, don't be sad that the happiness-- dude, this is my fifth coconut. i'm sorry about that. - i'm sorry, roy, how can you be happy and drinking right now?
- easy, 'cause i'm drunk. secondly, you saw the speech today. trump is gon' be so bad obama's legacy is on lockdown. like, obama was good, but, like, it really helps if the guy who follows you is terrible, like, for example, people wanted to hate on christian bale as batman. then ben affleck came along. - roy, you're saying obama will be remembered fondly, especially because of trump. - i'm just saying, it doesn't hurt. look, trust me, they might not miss him now, but when those folks in those red states start seeing all them trump tax cuts going to the super rich, they gon' be on the phone, like, "i don't give a [bleep] where it was born. just bring the black one back, please! bring him back! please!" - roy, no--yo, i think this is your mai tai talking, man. - this is history talking along with the mai tai. trevor, we've seen this before. this ain't new. take lincoln for example. part of the reason why he's such a legend is 'cause the guy who followed him, andrew johnson, was so bad he got impeached. look at lincoln now.
they gave him a monument, a town car. he's fighting vampires in movies and they put him on two monies! and if they did all that for him, then they gon' let obama at least photobomb the hundred. [laughter] - i mean, that sounds like-- - at the minimum. - roy, are you equating obama with lincoln? - yes. at minimum. look, lincoln was the obama of the 1800s. he was divisive and he made controversial decisions that over time will reveal to be for the greater good. freeing the slaves, that was basically lincoln's obamacare. i'm not sure if you know what went down with the emancipation, but lincoln had some pushback too. and that's why i see today as a celebration. when president obama boarded that helicopter and waved good-bye, i saw a man ascend to greatness and that is something to smile about. - i guess so. i guess so, roy. i guess so. you know what? it looks like-- it looks like you're gonna be okay with the trump presidency.
- uh, i will eventually. - roy wood jr., everybody. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] - roy wood jr., everybody. we'll be right back. then he tried tostitos flavored salsas...nline. ...and realized that not all sharing is easy. oooh, roasted garlic... can i...um... stuart... share the salsa, stuart. thanks!
roasted garlic, nice. you guys know there's more salsa, right? tostitos. bring the party. is microsoyeah, it is.he ipad? just head to the app store and download it. now, you have microsoft word on your ipad pro and it works with apple pencil. word? word. word! yeah, word. wooooorrrddd. ♪ heigh ho ♪ heigh ho
[cheers and applause] - so as you all forgot, it's black history month. let's commemorate it with a look at the most recent black history: the obamas and what they're doing post-presidency and pre-apocalypse. - the obamas appear to be enjoying their r&r as they vacation on billionaire richard branson's private island in the virgin islands. you see them there taking a casual stroll in beach attire, the former president in flip flops and wearing his hat backwards. - he never wore his hat backwards
as president, i don't think. - he's never worn his hat backwards. like, why is that a thing people even notice? he's wearing his hat backwards! [chuckles] it's almost like he's black! oh, my god! yeah, obama wears his hat in whatever direction the country's going in. that's a thing he does. that's why he's never worn it the other way. that's all for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. and here it is, your moment of zen. - in my core, i think we're gonna be okay. we just have to fight for it. we have to work for it. and not take it for granted. and i know that you will help us do that. thank you very much, press corps. good luck. - [coughs] ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪