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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  July 17, 2017 11:31pm-12:01am PDT

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is that that's our show for tonight. thank you for tuning in. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> i can tell you we hope john mccain gets better very soon because we miss him. he's a crusty voice in washington. comedy central [cheers and applause]tral >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, like i even give an s. that's right, i'm a bad boy now. the bbc has announced the new doctor the 13th doctor has taken the form of jodie whittaker. jodie whittaker is awesome! she will be a great doctor, a he had taken the form of a male doctor previously. see the list here:
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: you have them all here. now this imaginary doctor who is now a female, they're now screaming political correctness run amok. at their computer screens, which then dries into little spots that they will never wipe off. there is the war doctor. another one. to say the doctor has to be male you're not a fan of the show. time lines regenerate into anything. if you follow the show it's a hundred percent appropriate. taking peoples angry comments and turn them into episode
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titles. [cheers and applause] like "nobody wants a tardis full of bras." and my favorite, "time travel is for men and men only." also, urinals! men and men only! if you're not going to watch the show because of this and stomp your feet or slam your keyboard, seriously legitimately doctor who [beep] cares. [cheers and applause] comedians, why don't these guys want women to time travel? andy. >> they're afraid they will go back in time and cuck themselves. >> chris: good point. hal. >> now they will go back in time and [beep] james k. polk. >> chris: jenny. >> they think they're going to make the original "ghost
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busters" with girls. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next up, i'm in love with the shape of hodor. hbo's game of thrones came back last night, and in an episod -- very excited about the throne game. in an episode filled with bowls of actual turds, nothing made twitter do this more than this -- this weird cameo by ed sheeran. ♪ ♪ >> your song. i never heard it before. >> it's a new one. [ applause ] >> chris: "thank you"". >> chris: "thank you" the song is about how i will never lie with taylor of house swift, i will perpetually be in her friend dungeon."
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comedians, clearly hbo is trying to reach a younger audience, so how else will game of thrones appeal to teens? >> now the battle of the throne will be between northwest and blue ivy. >> chris: alright. jenny. >> name the dragon the joan us brothers. >> dragon glass figet spinners. chris: next up weekly news ... and donald trump with a new announcement. a series of three theme weeks. calm it down, guys. take it down a notch. week one, made in america week. celebrating the ted dan son, whoopi goldberg, made in america. it's about time.
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i'm told it's not about that movie at all. that's a way too old reference for a lot of our audience. instead, it's dedicated to the u.s. manufacturing industry, and trump celebrated with a cowboy at for six seconds. get ready for it five, four, three, two, one. dismount. [ applause ] better get this out before people associate me with having something ridiculous on my head. the trump administration will follow american made week with american workers and jobs week, and then american dream week. man, this guy loves america almost as much as he loves russia. comedians, what are some trump theme weeks we might expect in the future? >> all sons pardoned from treason week.
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>> chris: points. andy. >> tiny hands across america. [ applause ] >> chris: my god. you need twice as many people. >> ya. chris: tiny hands across america. hra *u >> chris: next, dat assword protection. webcam site camsoda, which got its name because you explode when they shake it, has come up with a new security system that allows users to log in by sending them a specific kind of picture. it's called d.p.v., but what does that stand for? a. dickometrics penis verification b. dat pussy by volume c. double penetration vajanus hal. >> a. dickometrics penis verification. >> chris: you said that confidentially. that is the answer. >> of course you know that, hal. chris: this mean shenanigans. >> i'm a member.
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>> chris: let's take a look: yes, the dickometrics penis verification will use exclusive "penis recognition tech" to allow users to log in to the site using only their dick pics. which is an improvement for what most menus dick pick for, getting fired. let's check the scoreboards. tonight we have three stars of weekly shows on youtube's "screenjunkies" channel. host of "the screen junkies show," it's hal rudnick. 400 pounds. [cheers and applause] >> chris: with 400 points creator of the emmy-nominated "honest trailers" and host of "movie fights," it's andy signore. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and with 300 points host of "millenial falcon," it's jenny nicholson. [cheers and applause] >> chris: you guys did a fine fine walking dead trailer as well. very, very impressed by the "walking dead" trailer. and now it's time for tonight's
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#hashtagwars. san diego comic con international starts this week. i'm so excited to host panels and see all the amazing cosplay and get that exclusive lego millennium falcon by shoving my way past crying 10-year-olds who need to learn that i'm the king -- that is my [beep] house and you don't [beep] a man in his own house, bitch. >> why. ya. damn right. >> chris: get ready for life. one of the great challenges of this amazing geek-fest is eating. it's tough to be a really intimidating batman when the area around your mouth is stained with nacho cheese. so in order to nourish our nerds, tonight's hashtag is #comicconfoods examples: "spaghetti and poke balls" and "spider-mayonnaise." don't picture it too much. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. hal. >> captain america chose on
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wonder woman bread. >> slandiego. chris: very good. >> bruce, this anner. chris: yes. >> kung fu panda express. >> bread pull. chris: jenny. >> wolveritos. chris: jenny. >> > i am fruit. >> lord of the onion rings. chris: very good points. andy. >> suicide squash. chris: very good. jenny. >> my little sconi. >> waffle house tageria. chris: points. >> oh kfc 3po. >> eggs benedict -- chris: it's right there. >> chris: send us your #comicconfoods and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight.
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our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by @adoltadult. by @adoltadult. well done! it's so... quiet. by @adoltadult. well done! is it, too quiet? it's awful. yeah. feel at home, pretty much wherever you are. t-mobile is america's best unlimited network.
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heineken is served it's world famous. like me. excuse me. antonio banderas! enjoyed in 192 countries. there's more behind the star. these fruit of the loom breaare perfect.wear they need a name just as perfect. the pant snorkel. brrriefs. fruit of the luge. thank you marvin. breezy fo' sheezy. you're a genius. uhh... no. we're going to call it breathable underwear. by fruit of the loom. [music plays throughout] [music fades out]
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play something's rotten in hollywood. [cheers and applause] >> chris: oh, nice. i like that one. the movie review aggregator rotten tomatoes will tell you which movies are awesome and which ones you should watch anyways. if for some reason you were thinking of watching the 2003 ben affleck, j.lo romp, gigli, you could simply type it into rotten tomatoes, see that it only got 6%, and then instead of
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watching it, slam your balls into a car door. not too bad you don't want to ruin your log in kre credentialn that one site. now, 6% is pretty bad, but there's an elite club of movies that have earned 0% on rotten tomatoes, meaning that no critic gave it a positive review. so comedians, i'm going to show you a clip from a movie with the not-so-coveted 0% and for 250 points, you're going to answer a question about it. first up, the 1988 e.t. knockoff, "mac and me." >> just come with me, please. i won't let anyone hurt you. [laughing] >> it just looks like someone is about to jerk off someone in a retirement home. why won't my grand kids visit
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me. comedians, we all know "e.t. phone home." what does this little guy say? hal. >> you know, elliot, to get home i will need some earth semen. [laughing] >> ouhhhh! chris: andy. >> please help me, the little person inside of me died a half hour ago. >> chris: points. jenny. >> on my planet it's just as weird that i'm naked. >> chris: points very good. [ applause ] >> chris: next up, "empire of the ants," which came out the same year as star wars and manages to look almost as good. sort of. >> oh my god, what the hell are they?
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now, i know it may surprise you, but those actors weren't actually in the scene with the ants. they were done with the magic of special effect. comedians, as the director, shout them their motivation. hal. >> don't forget this is based on a true story! my story! [cheers and applause] >> chris: next one, the animated classic "rainbow brite and the star stealer!" >> it's spring! spring is in the air. ♪ [laughing] >> chris: i can not return to my home front without earth semen. comedians, what is this the perfect soundtrack for? andy.
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>> raiding your sister's pubes. >> okay. >> your sister, not mine. chris: okay. it's totally fine. [laughing] >> chris: next up, the lonely lady, a tale of a writer on the verge of a nervous breakdown. so, what is the next hraoeub in this scene? jenny. >> i heard there is a lady dr. who. i got a blog about this. >> chris: points. andy. >> transformer 6, the end question mark. >> chris: next, kirk cameron is the child sitcom star turned evangelical christian activist, who made the movie "surviving
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-- "saving christmas" to warn against the war on christmas that is totally real and not (/ bleep/ ) at all! >> do you feel christmas has been hijacked by commercialism? someone pulling down every manger scene telling us our favorite christmas tras are wrong. >> chris: [beep], show me that smile again. comedians, how do you suspect kirk cameron celebrates christmas? hal? >> chomping down on a glass ornament every time he has a gay thought. [ applause ] >> yo like it, it's just the truth. it's just the truth. >> chris: when we come back i would like to you give me a positive review of a famous bad movie. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with
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introducing gig-speed internet from xfinity. finally, gig for your neighborhood too. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i asked you to cook up a good review for a famous bad movie. let's see what you came up with. andy, let's start with you the. >> "pirates of the caribbean 5, dead men tell no tales" they have details to make johnny depp appear life like and engaged. >> chris: very good. jenny. >> alright "batman v superman" impeccable chemistry between the two leads, crackle with sexual tension beginning to end with a tragic ending akin to
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"casablanca." >> chris: a very romantic movie. they should of [beep]. their moms had the same name. hal. >> jack and jill, playing jack and jill, a comedic tour de force. if you have seen it and thought it needs more sand man, this is for you. sandler is so sexy as a woman, i jacked off in the theater. so jack off to "jack and jill" don't care where you spill. five stars. >> chris: okay a thousand points to hal. 500 to andy and jenny. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for.ùteach our children. very close game. in an effort to connect with silicon valley, president donald trump recently met with apple c.e.o. tim cook.
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in the meeting cook said children should learn coding. because pretty soon, the only job that'll be left for blue-collar americans will be hosing out sexbots. but you know tim cook can't be the only famous person trying to influence our education system. so comedians, i'm gonna show you a celebrity, and you tell me what they want taught in public schools. first, kid rock: hal. >> of course how to match your fedora with your wife beater. >> chris: next one, johnny depp. >> how to ruin tim burton's career. >> chris: next up, guy fieri. >> string cheese theory. >> chris: next, mark zuckerberg. andy. >> advance how i own your [beep] with a preepisode of i already own your [beep] >> chris: and finally, shia labeouf. he. >> a field guide to public intoxication.
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>> chris: very good. that's the end of the round. i won't eliminate anyone. i feel it would make it awkward at work if i did that. [cheers and applause] >> we're all winners. >> chris: that means it's time to use little pictures instead of words, it's for the win! [cheers and applause] it's world emoji day! did you know that? it has been for centuries. finally, a day to celebrate those little pictograms that will make someone you're texting and don't know what to say about your friend's dead baby -- >> if that's real. >> you wouldn't send it for. that. >> what would you send it for? >> i don't know. apple is celebrating by using emoji to describe movies for sale in itunes. here's "ghostbusters," "the
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hunger games," and of course, "la la land." but i guess they also could have just used the emoji for white bread. [cheers and applause] comedians, i want you to come up with your own emoji synopsis of a famous movie. and we'll get your answers after the break. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause]
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trulia. the house is only half of it. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break i showed you apple's emoji synopsis of famous movies and asked you to make your own. let's see what you came up with. first one ... this, this, this. jack and jill. [cheers and applause] >> i wonder who did that? [cheers and applause] >> chris: could be anyone. anyone. number two ... this is this, which is -- [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: number three ... which is, talking dead with
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chris hardwick. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: i think it was number. two who was number two, who wrote number two? andy signore has won the internet! you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be kristin chenoweth, jim norton and james davis. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #comicconfoods and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. god damn it, good night! - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptatio ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled]


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