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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  July 18, 2017 11:31pm-12:01am PDT

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captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [applause] >> all right. we all know winnie the pooh as the loveable bear who teaches you it's loveable to be half-naked and addicted. it may come as a slight shock he has been sensored from chinese social media. we know lots of ladies are stuck in this same situation. >> i call that a wednesday. [laughter] >> chris: going down to the old honey hole. it's because people on weibo,
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china's version of twitter have been sharing memes comparing pooh to presidentp president xi jinping. i'm guessing china is not the only government to be offended. what other characters will be banned. >> france will ban pepe for not being horny enough. >> chris: go further. >> the trump administration will ban invisible women because they can't see her [bleep] to grab it. >> chris: okay. tapping out. >> mexico is banning humpty
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dumpty. i am sill stuck. >> chris: so is jim. >> it's not a word i say often. >> it's not a thing i get very often. [laughter] >> next up, twin peaks. i decent know if you heard the news or not but apparently beyonce had wintwins. check out the photograph. according to the prophecies the girl was born first and the little boy came in second in line to succession of the queen's thrown delivered by dr. paul crane who delivered kim and kanye's children. he said he just delivers the children and has nothing to do with the naming mechanisms in place. what are other details on the
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birth certificate. >> you know what's better than two healthy beautiful twins? credit. >> kanye showed up just to eat the placenta. >> next up -- dance. i love magic more than most. i just made nothing disappear. but are magicians sexy? the majority of penis-likers put them between model train enthusiasts and guys who start sentences with um, actually. so the naked entertainer is not only taking a magic trick and making as sexy as a.f. he's adding to a classic. let's enjoy this together. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: you'll be extra impressed where you see where he pulls the handkerchiefs out of and for the next trip the oscillating fan. does the trick end in sexy victory or genital laser -- lacerating defeat. >> i think he pulls it off. >> chris: let's take a look. [applause] >> i had total faith. as the leader of north korea. [laughter] >> chris: next looking for
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someone with meat on their phones. phones as in iphone the things you use to watch porn in the office. cue what looks like a burning man sweat and this is the most ergonomic phone case and features silicone and handle for recreating the whipping sounds from baby got back. the product is sure to make anyone distracted. what's the text you may get? >> you got to the icloud. you better back that thing up. >> chris: christen? >> i can't right now. i'm at twerk. >> chris: well played. up next the headline fears grow but there's an msnbc story on why it's causing a stir.
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a., it's a submarine and b. a missile launch that looks like a squirrel and c., shrek spooning waluigi. >> it looks like a boner. >> chris: no, it's b. take a look. zoom in. there it is. wow. >> wow. >> chris: that's a squirrel losing its virginity. he was saving the nut all winter long. let's check the scoreboard. jim norton's on the program. and for american stars
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performing october 20th, christie christien -- kristen chenowith. how's she classing up the joint? how'd you get her. i said hi to her before the show. i said it's great to meet you and she said oh my god i'm so sorry. when i got here i thought i was doing your talking interview show. and they started talking to me and i had no idea what anyone was talking about and i want to give her fist bump because she showed up and said i'm going to do it anyway. kristen chenowith. >> you guys are amazing. >> chris: and wednesdays at 9:00 on this channel, comedy central, james davis.
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now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. so people love to hate on hipsters and other hobbies almost electing bernie sanders but what were those guys think it turns out the quirkiest thing young people are doing is reading books. a new study found millennials are going to public libraries more than any other age group because books are yet another thing they can't afford to buy. the public library is now being used for reading not just a place for the homeless people to masturbate. in honor of handle bar mustaches there's hipster books and examples are the cat and the pussycat. let's begin in 60 seconds. >> floyd of the nose ring.
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>> rescue hat on a hat tin roof. >> james and the giant peach ma coy. >> the cyberbully and mockingbird. >> the places you'll go. >> white and white privilege. >> you're a sick man charlie brown. >> indifferent >> it's boy and gray. >> to troll a mockingbird. >> kristen -- ding, ding, ding. >> little airbnb on the prairie. >> chris: we'll be right back with more of the "@midnight" program. our tweet of the day from last night's hash tag war was sent in. well done.
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it's so fluffy! look at that fluffy unicorn! he's so fluffy i'm gonna die! your voice is awesome. the x1 voice remote. xfinity. the future of awesome. >> it's time to play stage four costume. it's everyone's favorite game we've never played before. broadway just had its most lucrative season ever raking in $1.3 billion in ticket sales. and more applicable terms 12% of an avengers movie. just because the theatre is all about hamilton doesn't mean it's translating to community theatre. they have to pull together
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costumes on the cheap giving rise to tumblr. and i'll show you a costume and answer a question. the awkward take on beauty and the beast. that's fun. what has him freaked out? >> he realized he wasn't supposed to [bleep] on the rug. >> kristen. >> he realized he wasted $50,000 on a theatre degree. >> his boner is peeking through his pants. >> chris: yes, it is. next up everyone's favorite green ogre, shrek. that's going to paint my paint
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my nightmare. what award will this win? >> least offensive donkey. . >> he think he'll lose his vir i -- virginity at a dance party. >> the finally found himself a selena. >> chris: next up a realistic production of camelot. what do they do at the cast party? >> who is worthy to pull the dill -- dildo out of king
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arthur's [bleep]. >> this is the cast party. >> chris: yes it is. and finally hamilton isn't the only one blending hip-hop and theatre. comedians, what song are they busting down? jim. >> [bleep] the substitute teacher. >> chris: all right. kristen. >> baby got call back. >> my name is joseph and this is my jacket and it's so fresh and so clean. >> chris: nice. next up, our live challenge liberty dumbbell. noted russian orphan enthusiast donald trump jr. is getting slammed online for a post writing about his hardcore crossfit workout. it reads after being inconsistent on my workouts
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coming back is a recipe for disaster. did okay but five minutes off my p.r. of 31:56. the claim is a little bit hard to believe. i wasn't there so i can't say whether or not it happened but a murph say grueling work out where you put on a heavy vest and run and squat and in my case get winded just saying those words. his time would have put him in the 95 percentile. where could he get the idea of saying stuff without anyone to check. maybe he's in it. i don't know. i wasn't there. maybe he did it. i can't say. if he is lying why lie about his athletic skills. can't he just be happy being keeper for slytherin. that's a great role to have.
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maybe i'm wrong. ma don jr. is one of the top athletes in the world. so comedians over the break i'd like to come up for a line for the republican fitness guru. we'll be back with more "@midnight." tonight's comedians are playing for more so them and their tag team partners will both be winners. here they are. these fruit of the loom breathable underwear are perfect. they need a name just as perfect. the pant snorkel. brrriefs. fruit of the luge. thank you marvin. breezy fo' sheezy. you're a genius. uhh... no. we're going to call it breathable underwear. by fruit of the loom.
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(blowing whistle) ( ♪ ) ♪ i'm not playing with you ♪ ♪ i could bend a little bit, a little bit ♪ ♪ i could play a little bit, a bit for you ♪ ♪ i could see a little bit, a little bit ♪ ♪ i can see a little bit, a bit of you ♪ ♪ i've got a hold on you ♪ ♪ you got a hold... alex. that's ny name. alex? it's mine too. ♪ i got a new swimsuit with glitter and fringes ♪ ♪ and i got a case of the too many benjamins ♪ so, if anyone has a reason that these two should not be wed,♪ speak now. (coughs) so sorry. oh no... it's just that your friend daryl here is supposed to be live streaming the wedding and he's not getting any service. i missed, like, the whole thing. what? and i just got an unlimited plan. it's the right plan, wrong network. you see, verizon has the largest, most reliable 4g lte network in america. it's built to work better in cities. tell you what, just use mine.
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thanks. no problem. all right, let's go live. say hi to everybody who wasn't invited! (vo) when it really, really matters, you need the best network and the best unlimited. just $45 per line for four lines. it's what busch is known for. what are you known for? i'm cool under pressure. what is that? a fish hook? (chuckling) golly! [sfx: buschhhhh] yogig-speed internet.me?
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you know what's not awesome? when only certain people can get it. let's fix that. let's give this guy gig- really? and these kids. and these guys. him. ah. oh hello- that lady. these houses! yes, yes and yes. and don't forget about them. uh huh. sure. still yes! you can get it too. welcome to the party. introducing gig-speed internet from xfinity. finally, gig for your neighborhood too. >> chris: before the break i told you about donald trump jr. may have exaggerated his crossfit time and asked you to give me a line a from a republican workout. >> we'll go power walking. forgive me, i mean white power walking. >> chris: you can sweat off the pounds under those sheets.
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it's just for fitness. kristen? >> hi, guys. it's your personal trainer, cindy. today we're going through as many reps as there was at trump's inauguration. one, two, a million. okay. we're done. >> chris: all right. jim. >> now we need to get that heart rate up. now imagine you're daughter's new boyfriend is black and your son's new boyfriend is gay. >> chris: five points to kristen and jim. the next game, dare to be stupid. >> dare to be stupid. >> chris: all right. attorney general jeff sessions is reviving the anti-drug
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program d.a.r.e. before the '80s and '90s slightly before my time -- shut up. they would scare students sober. apparently telling kids one puff of marijuana will make them go on a shooting spree backfired and comedians now that d.a.r.e. is back in the limelight tell me things you'd tell today's kids to scare them from drugs. >> courtney love. [cheers and applause] >> chris: jim. >> cocaine say terrible drug that does nothing but make girls want to suck your [bleep] at a party. >> don't do drugs, fail drugs. >> heroin are or losers who
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never did anything with their life like janice joplin. >> every time your dad smokes pot it makes him want to [bleep] your mom. >> chris: three letters, d.m.x. jim. >> marijuana has dangerous side effects like seeing fish live. >> don't smoke pot unless you have high anxiety like fast talking. >> you know what's better than doing a mountain of cocaine? credit. >> chris: excellent. that's the end of that game. i'm taking everyone because it's my show and i can do whenever i want. >> what? whoo-hoo! >> chris: it's for the win.
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have you heard about this? have you seen this? a security robot in washington, d.c. was found face down in a mall fountain. co-workers said he'd been going through a bad divorce and had gambling debt. look at this photo. you don't know what love is. you keep rolling over gum, radio shack is closed and you can't get the fuses anymore. what else are you going to do is pull your own plug. seriously, if i can pull my own plug i'd never leave the house. comedians i'd like you to write a suicide note from a robot. we'll have the winner when we come back.
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i am, um, very sorry. and we're gonna get the phone- his phone, uh out of you... the important thing is that we're going to make you better. (voice-activated double-tone) okay. here's how to make butter. pour two thirds a cup of cold heavy cream into a one cup canning... snickers® satisifes. (the end of civilization ...hold your loved ones clo...) (♪ )
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discover the original ♪ [cheers and applause] >> >> chris: welcome back to
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"@midnight." time to wipe your scores clean and you the audience decide the winner. i told you about a security robot to said good-bye to this earthly realm and offed itself in a mall fountain. i asked for a suicide note. good-bye cruel world if there's a robot god i'm off having a three way with the jetson's robot and optimus prime. number two, why am i killing myself there are 1, 0, 1, 0, 1, 0 reasons. robot lives matter. number three, i can't believe you were cheating on me with that rumba. tell our children the truth. [cheers and applause] >> chris: who was number three?
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kristen chenoweth has won. enjoy the internet. it's yours. see you next week. good night. ♪ [ applause ] welcome to "the jim jefferies show." i'm jim jefferies. and i'm sure you've already heard the shocking news. musician kid rock now ein

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