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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  July 21, 2017 12:01am-12:31am PDT

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and you make believe everything is going to be okay. and i don't know, maybe it will. u-oh. bye bye 6789 (applause) >> chris: its' the fashion industry is horde to ep ka up with because fashion trends disappear faster than taylor swift's boyfriend but style savvy consumers have a way it stay in the know. chat boths! -- chatbots! the messenger allowed chatbots to create custom ai to give
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makeup tips like i love that color on you and what is love. robots are helping us look tbreat, look at this from simone giertz. (laughter) that is the way our dog wakes up my wife every morning. just kidding. we don't have a dog. comedians what say beauty tip you might get from an ai. >> your hair looks fiercish but that face though. kate. >> beauty is fleeting, just like human control of earth, exterminate, exterminate. >> chris: very good, points, excellent. matt braunger. >> use krairol nonrun mascara when are you crying working in our lithium mines. >> chris: people do crazy things for beauty, butt injection, bloods facials and
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that is yus one kardashian's morning. but since we have three stunning panelists with us all in terrible pain we decided it dive into the world of beauty and find out what trends will make us look superhot and completely deranged. next up, just the tips. one of the internet's principal hobbies is remembering the '90s which i get can i see the appeal withic canning back with dunk a roos and classic episodes of rug rats but because it was popular in the 90sy doesn't pean we should revive it case in point, a buzzfeed article suggesting frosted tips are making a comeback. no. how long before we are chugging glima and doing it all for the nookie, comedians if for some reason you want to don the devil spikes what is something you would tell the barber to get this look. >> make me look like i just got kicked out of o town. >> chris: points. matt braunger. >> just make me look like a
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stretched out guy fieri, hold the goatee. >> chris: points. kate. >> pleas make me look like a poisonous australian fruit. >> chris: points, yes, very good. next up, one girl one beauty secret. vloger tracy kiss gives-- comedians which bod lee fluid does tracy tell her followers to rub on their skin. you don't know which one it is yet. you know what, i resent that, this is a very-- socially important, mature adult themed program in which we handle things with grace and style. is it a, pee, pee, b, poo poo, cejizz, jizz. matt braunger i will go all the way an bet the farm av jizz,
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jizz. >> chris: well, matt braunger and america i'm pleased to tell tu is the literal facials, yeah. >> all right. >> chris. >> yay it's jizz yz country tasey enjoys so much she takes it a step further. >> lacking into but digesting semen, is sur prietioning leigh a lot of nutritional benefits from eating semen. >> chris: yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah. that's a good idea, great idea, you should all do it. >> i just have a question, how3 do you get the jizz, jizz? >> chris: love each other very much for a few minutes in the back of a car and-- sometimes you just have to pull them out, and then-- wow and she's like what and then like yeah. >> i will try it.
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>> chris: great, great, great. next, moves like sag sz ger, every day, many women spend hours in the bathroom in a vein attempt to beat off wrinkles although he prefers to be called mr. hefner. but if hugh hefner's libido taught us anything it is when it comes to aging science doesn't know when to quit. which device did sciensz create to keep your face lacking yowk w a man to work are out your, face or a device that uses look trick shock to make your butt hole smooth as a fuj single. >> i am going to go with butt hole. >> chris: i don't think that is the correct answer, let's take a look. >> contract your muscles making an o. push with the corners of your lips towards the center of the
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device. hold the contractions one to two seconds. >> that video is a nightmare. >> chris: it looks like she was trying to swallow a mere cat with a leg brace. >> that is my mom's first youtube video. >> chris: that is the facial flex it promises to give your mouth the kind of workout you could previously only get in time square during fleet week. no, i don't. >> it is like a thigh master for your mouth. >> chris: i want my tongue to have washboard abs. >> me too. >> chris: thank you. let's check the scoreboards with 300 points judging on stand up to the streeteds at the comedy store in l.a. on august 1s justin martindale. with 300 points from the little hours in theaters now kate
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micucci. with 400 points performing at the the comedy club august 3rd through 5th in tacoma, matt braunger. sit up, you guys it is time for hashtag wars. okay. the last fashion week of july 27 hatt wrapped and if you like the dey costumes at comic-con you will love the new hot hot fashion trends am take a lack, can you paj being a model and eating three almonds a day your entire life and getting tons of plastic surgery only to get dressed up like son ar grimace. let's give this hobo christmas tree something to strut about with tonight's hashtag fashion songs. examples might be rock the cat walk and i want it hat way.
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i will put 60 seconds on the clock. begin, justin. >> don't go wearing overalls. >> chris: points, very good. micucci. >> just pleat, pleat it. >> chris: very good. points, braunger. >> sombrero over the rainbow. >> chris: yes, points. i somebrero once told me. >> chris: oh goth, kate. >> and i will always love you shoes. >> chris: yes, points. very good. matt braunger. >> oh i want pants with somebody. >> chris: points. justin. >> i would do anything for love but i won't wear crocs. >> chris: yes, points. very nice pipes by the way. very nice pipes. kate micucci. >> forever 21 i want to be forever 21. >> chris: yes, points. justin. >> oops i wore it again.
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>> chris: yes, points. nice choreography, very nicely done. matt. >> you're the vest around, no one is going to ever keep you down. >> chris: justin. >> i came in like a wonder bra. >> chris: yes. excellently played. send us your hashtag fashion sense, keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight". congratulations to our tweet of the day from our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war, well
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[woman] we did it. [man] we're campers. look at us. look at us. it's so nice to get out of the city. it's so... quiet. is it, too quiet? it's awful. yeah. feel at home, pretty much wherever you are. t-mobile is america's best unlimited network. these fruit of the loom breaare perfect.wear they need a name just as perfect. cool's gold. the pant snorkel. brrriefs. house of meshresentatives. shiver me trousers. pantarctica. fruit of the luge.
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thank you marvin. breathable underwear? mr. meshy goes to windyngton. breezy fo' sheezy. you're a genius. we'll call it breezy fo'... uhh... no. we're going to call it breathable underwear. by fruit of the loom.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play stock photos turn on the dark. i sure hope they play thek dark photo game i never heard of. the amazing twitter account@dark stock photos many tains stock images available for license like this depressing domestic scene. let them sleep it off.
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let him sleep it off. like that kid never had a hangover before. i will show you a dark stock photo, for 250 points show me the certain terms would you use to find it. first up this suicidal man with a nonchalant user. when would this ever be a thing as you need to you will kawp. what is the search term you would use to find this, justin. >> i'm sorry, honey, but the last two seats on the plane were next to ann coulter. >> chris: all right, points. matthew braunger. >> sex tape of my wife and i accidentally sent by my wife to our moms. >> chris: yes, points, very good. next one, check out this one infant holding a container of bleech. that is how they learn. thases' how they learn. what is the search term. >> child racial pure if i kaition attempt fail.
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yeah, that's real dark. >> chris: yeah, it's literal white washing. points. kate. >> republican health-care plan. >> chris: all right, points. next, here say mortar who is not exactly grieve stict-- mourner who is not exactly grieve stricken. yes, matt braunger what is the search term. >> not a neck ro feel yak but i like to watch. >> chris: yeah, points. kate. >> dr. who christmas special spoilers, congrats jodi whitaker. >> chris: very good. you want to put your stiff in my box. a box is a term for a vagina.
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>> matt. >> a man and a woman lev each other very much, i'm explaining this to kate, a man and woman love each other very much, in the butt and that is where butt babies come from. >> right. >> o i will have to try it sometime. >> chris: great, next up check out this grim holiday photo. justin martindale. >> this is david car aydin's christmas special. >> chris: okay, all right. points. kate, micucci. >> ho, ho, hum, merry christmas. >> chris: the act out made it amazing. >> matt. >> suia santa. >> i like it. >> chris: next up how about this mowed down cyclist and distraught driver. a million reasons why you would need to use this picture i'm sure. >> mot model duidoa.
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>> chris: i got to credit the audience for hanging in there on some of these. points. justin. >> america's next top speed bump. >> chris: yes, points. darker than mine. >> chris: finally i can't begin to explain what is happening in this image. that is either a very large man or a tiny el vant-- elephant. i can't figure out what the search term for this, justin. >> street fighter three,-- got fat. >> chris: all right, points, kate. >> how to handle a trunk driver. >> chris: hey! points. time for our live challenge, pic
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dicks. yeah. i got to till, these stock photos are great. give it up for the stock photos everyone, huh? doing their job. being a bunch of bizarre collected images that don't make sense to anyone ever in now or in the futurement but we love to bust on the stock photos but posing for stock photos provides work for a lot of struggling actor, sometimes actors without don't need the money or the work. check out this of al pacino in some kid's birthday party, totally real. you can tell it is real by the fact the hat is sticking outside the frame of the image. we did digging around and found old stock photos you appeared in before you game famous and we will see what you remember about them. we'll get your answers after the break. we'll be right back with more we'll be right back with more @midnight.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight," before the break we were enjoying the free entertainment value of stock photos we found from old stock photos starring our panelists. we'll have to have them explain exactly what was going on. let's start with you. >> that was just me mailing myself to benedict cumberbatch in a box saying happy valentine's day from me. >> chris: all right, nicely done. that is not bad, that is a carry on size, you are able to fit in the overhead bin. >> that is how i usually travel. justin, martindale, let's go with you. >> well, chris, you know that i dabble in off, off, off, off broadway theater. and this is a still from a play i did called "little mermaid" two part of your wall street world. >> chris: all right, nice, nice mashup.
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>> so dapper. >> chris: matt braunger let's see your stock photo image. >> what have you got. >> yeah, that takes me back, when i was a lot younger, karate kid spinoff called little fat kid with numb chucks and barf from overworkout. they couldn't get the right force karate. >> chris: have i to give everyone 6,000 points for that. all right, it's time for limited edition. limited edition. >> it's comic-con this weekend, i'm very excited, heading down to san diego. a ton of things at coming con for attendees to throw their money at other than the usual lap dance from dalek.
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there are things you can only purchase on comic-con or ebay the incomes day for four times the price like this f figure arnold schwarzenegger shopping at an llb or superman cape for an office chair, that too, make you feel invincible after your job takes away your health care. comedians, this can't be all there. is i would like you to tell me what the worst exclusive items you can buy in this week's comic-con in san diego this weekend, kate. >> birth control called wolverine's nuvo ring. >> chris: points. matt braunger. >> george rr martin's lucky pair of underwear he wore to write all his books. >> chris: points. kate. >> a slightly sticky cat woman doll that was once owned by chris hardwick. >> chris: all right, points. i would never sell selina kyle. justin martindale. >> chewbacca's original merkin. >> chris: points. braunger. >> limited edition heads of all
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of the avengers annal beads. >> chris: worth it. kate. >> expired condoms from all the past comic-cons. >> chris: points. justin. >> vin diesel's closet door. >> chris: all right, points. matt braunger. >> i'm sorry. star lords dead mom action figure. >> chris: all right, points. >> i'm sorry. >> chris: i like that you apologized for that in the beginning. that is the end of that game, i could eliminate someone but i'm not going to. yeah! (applause) >> friendship. >> chris: that means it's time to reduce your carbon footprint, it's for the win.
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they say chef allry has died in the age of the internet n a more civilized time people wrote sonnets to one another now you hope for a twitter dm from someone that ghosted you a month ago say got supers lit at jello night, want to show me your butt, i promise my dong doesn't smell weird. >> i dated that guy. >> me too. >> chris: very special dating story as the internet believing in love again from the always chill vegan subreddit comes the story a foxy meatless lady whose date brought her a bouquet of kale. if this was a tom hanks rom con it would be you've got kale or meatless in seattle, i don't know. the only problem, no note a tamped. no note. so comedians, i would like you to write a vegan love note, we will have our comedians answers and name a winner when we come and name a winner when we come back on the "@midnight" program.
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there's nothing more important to me than my vacation. and name a winner when we come back on the "@midnight" program. so when i need to book a hotel, i want someone who makes it easy to find what i want. gets it. and with their price match, i know i'm getting the best price every time. c'mon, gary! your vacation is very important. that's why makes finding the right hotel for the right price easy. visit now to find out why we're booking.yeah!
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heineken is served it's world famous. like me. excuse me. antonio banderas! enjoyed in 192 countries. there's more behind the star. one of four burgers, $6.99 each. anytime at red robin. with bottomless steak fries, of course. red robin! yummm! classic hershey's; plus cookie bits; plus caramel. hershey's cookie layer crunch. a layered twist on a classic. you have...bug eyes! [intern] i have some terrible hershey's conews.layer crunch. they're destroying the whole town!
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hey you've gotta see this. cno.n. alright, see you down there. mmm, fine.
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okay, what do we got? okay, watch this. do the thing we talked about. what do we say? it's going to be great. watch. remember what we were just saying? go irish! see that? yes! i'm gonna just go back to doing what i was doing. find your awesome with the xfinity x1 voice remote. welcome back to "@midnight." for the win. i will wipe your scores clean. wipe. it all comes down to this, i will read your answer aloud, you get to decide the winner. [bleep] sweet. before the break i showed you the story of a man who within a vegan lady hurt with a bouquet of kale and asked you to write a
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vegan love note. number three, who was number three? kate micucci, has won the internet. and the hearts of vegans everywhere. playing funniest for the next 23 and a half hours tomorrow our guests justin mcelroy, travis mcelroy, graphin mcelroy until then keep the game going by sending us your hashtags.


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