tv The Daily Show Comedy Central September 20, 2017 1:40am-2:10am PDT
[shouting maniacally] give me my $18! - mel gibson! oh, mein savior! mein fuehrer! you're actually here! mr. gibson, i have assembled the masses! we are ready to do thy bidding! have i been a good boy, mr. gibson? - so you boys have led me here to your secret base, huh? i guess now you're going to start to torturing me! agh! oh, my nipples are so tender. don't squeeze them anymore! - that's...mel gibson? he's not quite as eloquent as i had pictured. - i'll bet you wanna torture me now, don't you! - dude, what's wrong with him? - he's cuckoo, dude. he's absolutely out of his mind. - you--you would all love to torture me, wouldn't you? okay, fine. see what you can fit in there. i can take it! - dude, i've been freaked out this whole time because of that guy's movie? - fine!
if nobody here is man enough to torture me, then just give me my $18. - it's our $18. your movie sucked! - you can't say my movie sucked, or else you're saying christianity sucks! - no, dude, if you want to be christian, that's cool, but you should follow what jesus taught instead of how he got killed. focusing on how he got killed is what people did in the dark ages, and it ends up with really bad results. - you know, he's right, elise. we shouldn't focus our faith on the torture and execution of christ. - yeah, lots of people got crucified in those times. we shouldn't rely on violence to inspire faith. - aw, no, come on, people! we're so close to completing my final solution! - oh, dude, i feel so much better about being jewish now that i see that mel gibson is just a big whacko douche. - [farts] [laughing maniacally] captioning by kristi at captionmax www.captionmax.com
>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! thank you so much! thank you, everybody! i'm trevor noah. my guest tonight star of "the lego ninjago movie," olivia munn is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) but let's get right to it because, if you haven't heard, one of the trump sons is going solo. >> donald trump, jr. is giving up secret service protection. now, the president's eldest son
elected to forgo this service. trump, jr. lives in new york city, works at the trump organization, avid camper and hunter and says he wants more privacy than he can get with a bunch of agents following him. >> trevor: i love as donald, jr. is giving up security, they're reporting exactly where he will be and when. ( laughter ) donald trump, jr. will no longer be protected. he won't be protected when he was at work in trump tower, new york city or home on sutton place. and this is his phone number and don't forget he will be completely unguarded while camping in the berkshires! when donald trump, jr. heard this i bet he was, like, can i get them back?! being followed all the time has to be ayou noiing. he used to be able to go out in the woods and spend time alone with his favorite log, yeah? ( laughter ) then all of a sudden he had to
share log. awww... yes, but now he's out there on his own. don't worry about his safety. he's keepin keep kgb detail. the united nations general assembly to be a good affair. all the leaders around the world try to solve the world's problems as one and try to throw diplomatic shade at each other which is so much fun to watch because one leader will say something crappy about another nation but there's always a delay for the translations. you know, so it's like someone will be like the world cannot keep its eyes closed during this genocide -- well, i mean, maybe the spanish can, they nap through everything. ( laughter )
oh! ( laughter ) now, the big event today was president trump's first address to the general assembly, and expectations were high. >> president trump set to address the u.n. general assembly this morning. cnn is told the president will deliver a deeply philosophical address, that is what the white house is calling it. >> trevor: hmm. trump and deeply philosophical are two things that i never thought i would hear in the same sentence. like, i can't imagine him being dopily philosophical. ( laughter ) i often ponder, is there life after death? 'cause i'd really love to bang mary anmary annmary ann womary .
ponder. we found out when he got up to speak in front of his most diverse audience of all time, although trump loves these foreigners because they've already pre-booked their tickets home. trump's address included many familiar themes, how much great he's doing as president, how great the country is doing with him as president, how much he's president, did i mention he's president? and, oh, military, the military is getting $700 billion, but the centerpiece for his speech is introducing the united nations to the trump doctrine. >> as president of the united states, i will always put america first, just like you as the leaders of your countries will always and should always put your countries first. if we are to embrace the opportunities of the future and overcome the present dangers together, there can be no
substitute for strong, sovereign and independent nations. >> trevor: the only way to grow together is to grow apart. sounds like donald trump is trying to break up with the u.n. without getting into a fight. i love you, i just don't love us. and maybe in time we can make it work. by the way, this is my fiancée russia. ( laughter ) many great policy minds may complain this trump doctrine is relinquishing american global leadership. but could be an up side. >> in america we do not seek to impose our way of life on anyone. we do not expect diverse countries to share the same cultures, traditions or even systems of government -- >> trevor: whoa, look at you, donald! ooh! that's different!
( laughter ) i know for in this stance may be disconcerting but from a global perspective it is refreshing to see an american leader who is not going to dictate to the world. in fact, donald trump almost wants nothing to do with the world. it's like trump looks at the globe and all he sees is a map full of erics. nothing at all! stay away from me! so trump's new policy -- that was weird, by the way. ( laughter ) so trump's new policy, no interfering in our other countries are run unless he doesn't like how other countries are run. >> the problem in venezuela is not that socialism has been poorly implemented but that socialism has been faithfully implemented. we are prepared to take further action if the government of venezuela per zests on its path to impose authoritarian rule on the venezuelan people. >> trevor: few things are
worse than slipping up on a word when you're trying to be a bad-ass. ( laughter ) the reason liam thinksen never got his other daughter back. i have a panticular -- sorry, particular set of -- no, you know what i was saying. hey, why would i say panticular. why would i say that? it's not even a word. you know what? wrong number. keep her. bye-bye. ( laughter ) tongue slip aside, that was a quick trip from you do you to we do you. and trump didn't just threaten venezuela. he also called for sanctions on cuba, an alliance against iran, a new regime in syria. he saved the end of the world for last. >> the united states has great strength and patience, but if it is forced to defend itself or its allies, we will have no choice but to totally destroy north korea. rocket man is on a suicide
mission for himself and for his regime. >> trevor: okay, i don't know what's more opinion sane, the fact that donald trump just stood in front of the united nations and threatened to wipe out a country of 25 million people, or the fact that he followed that up with "rocket man." ( laughter ) like, you're going to follow it up with a little catch phrase joke? that's like walking into a crowded space, pulling out a gun and be, like, "did i do that"? yeah, you did. ( laughter ) honestly, when you watched this address, it felt less like a presidential address to the u.n. and more like an insult comic roasting the world. in fact, if trump didn't have power or nuclear weapons,i think that would be a pretty dope show. drum beat >> the problem in venezuela is not that socialism has been
poorly implemented but that socialism has been faithfully implemented. ( laughter ) the united states has stood against the corrupt, destabilizing regime in cuba. the criminal regime of bashar al-assad. ( laughter ) we will have no choice but to totally destroy north korea. "rocket man "-- ( drum beat ) ( laughter ) >> trevor: we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) struck me was how it looks.
say hello to faster downloads with internet speeds up to 150 megabits per second. get fast internet and add phone and tv now for only $34.90 more per month. call today. comcast business. built for business. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." as the trump administration's policies come into focus, many americans are starting to feel their impact including some who really weren't expecting it. desi lydic has more from south texas. >> president trump is determined to build the wall. >> we have to close down our government. we're building that wall. >> but trump's wall would ruin
fragile ecosystems, breed xenophobia and even destroy something rich white people care about -- >> if trump builds his wall, then it will go right through our golf course. >> if built, trump's wall would cut right through an exclusive golf resort right here on the border in brownsville, texas. >> we're an 18-whole golf course nestled on the banks of the rio grande river. >> i believe it's rio grande-e. >> potato, po-ta-toe. >> potato. no one says p o-ta-toe. >> you can't have a golf course with only three holes. >> three holes are only good for one thing. talking about sex. sorry. you were talking about -- >> yeah, if trump builds this wall, we would lose everything, completely. >> right. >> i just don't think it's fair. >> which is why germy is
tirelessly speaking out against trump's knurl one policy. as one of the wall's victims, he never could have seen it coming. >> i actually voted for president trump. >> you voted for trump? >> yes, ma'am, i did. i think trump truly cares about the american people and what he campaigned on is stuff i believe and agreed with. >> except for the destroying your business part. >> except for the destroying the business part and just felt like it was time for something different. >> oh, my god... why are you complaining? he is literally doing the thing that you voted for. >> you know, trump is a salesman. we figured it was a metaphorical -- >> you thought he was talking about a metaphorical wall? >> yeah, not an actual, physical wall. >> that is the dumbest thing i've ever heard. didn't trump say -- >> it will be a real wall! a real wall! >> just maybe once or twice. july 2, 2015, we must build a wall. july 28, 2015, we must have a
wall. june 6, 20 is a, nobody can build a wall like trump. august 5, 2014, build a wall. november 19, 2015, we need a big and beautiful wall. august 30, 2016, i saw another one. from day one i said i was going to build a great wall on the southern border. august 25, 2015, it's not a fence, jeb, it's a wall. you think those were all metaphors? >> i think all of them could point to something that's a metaphor. none of those point to an actual structural wall. >> yet for someone so convinced trump's wall was just a high school english literary device, he failed to point out there's already a real border fence outside his property and it's definitely not a metaphor. so if you could go back in time and go, it's a real wall! what would you do differently? >> you know, i'm not sure there
is much we would do differently, i would still vote for trump. >> unbelievable. for jeremy and millions of trump supporters like him, there's nothing trump could do wrong except one thing. >> you know, seeing that video of trump driving on the green of trump national breaks your heart as a golf course owner. >> the driving on the green, not the muslim ban, leaking information to russia or destroying your business? >> yeah, i mean, these are $100,000 greens and you're just kind of being really inconsiderate about them. >> so there you have it, from the mouth of a trump supporter whose career will probably be destroyed by his own vote. keep up the good work, mr. president. just stay off the green. you're not supposed to do that? sorry. sorry. oh. and watch out for stray balls. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: desi lydic, everybody! we'll be right back!
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an actor who starz in the new animated film "the lego ninjago movie." >> oh, honey, you just need to give them a chance to see the real you. >> yeah, i don't think i can actually show people the real me. >> that's not true. all you've got to do is just show them the person you are on the inside. right here, where it matters most. oh, and also, don't forget, if your dad attacks the city again today, just be sure to duck and cover till secret ninjas give the all clear.
and don't forget, have a happy birthday, honey. >> thanks, mom. >> trevor: please welcome olivia munn! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> hello! >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thanks for having me. >> trevor: you are from the show. >> good to be back. i noticed you cleared my dressing room so i made room in somebody else's office. they had an emmy and south african stuff. i made it my own. i love it. >> trevor: i don't know who that was. welcome back to the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: let's get into the story immediately. this is a touching tale the lego ninjago movie. you are actually mixed race. i believe you are half asian, half lego? >> lego. that's correct. my father is full lego. my mother is chinese-vietnamese
descent. glad there is finally a movie in hollywood representing legos. >> trevor: it's blowing up. lego representation is growing. four big movies now? >> four big movies. i'm hoping for a spinoff because there should be more female lego representation. >> trevor: it's powerful. >> thank you so much. so great watching the emmys and the diversity. i was disappointed to see there weren't legos up for best actor. it's a hard time but we're pushing through for sure, for sure is that you're going to get there eventually. >> some people say that we're limited in our range, that we can only do a couple of moves. >> trevor: and i don't agree with that. i think it's the subtlety that really makes legos shine. >> every move matters. >> trevor: every move matters. powerful lego stuff. ( laughter ) let me ask you a question. >> sure. >> trevor: how much free lego do you get? ( laughter ) are you like the coolest aunt in your family? >> i came home to a massive
amount of just legos in my house, and it was -- it made me the coolest person that i've ever met. i've never met anyone cooler than me. >> trevor: let's talk about everything you've done since you were on "the daily show." you were on "the daily show," a show before that and then gone to the greatest heights. we see you in x-men, office christmas party, and "the lego ninjago movie." are you going to start a lifestyle brand thing? are you going to do acting and then business? >> well, first of all, if i ever start a lifestyle brand, don't follow it. >> trevor: okay. >> i have nothing to offer you. i will not give you any good advice. >> trevor: we'll keep this tape and play it. >> it's not you should buy this rug and use these vitamins, don't trust me. ( laughter ) i have gone into more entrepreneurial work. >> trevor: really. >> i'm one of the original investors of uber. >> trevor: i invest in uber every day. ( laughter ) >> and i appreciate it. and today we announced there is
an app called wag which is the uber for dog walkers. >> trevor: you can't just carry on from that. >> it's called wag. who has dogs is this animals? ( cheering ) i know "the daily show" is very animal friendly. people at work all day and they feel bad about their dogs not getting walked, you download the app and order a dog walk right from the phone and somebody goes and takes your dog on the walk. has a map and shows you where your dog is walking and going to the bathroom. >> trevor: is the dog logging this information? >> wag also teaches your dogs how to use the app, how to -- we start tinder accounts for your dogs. ( cheering ) >> trevor: someone cheered too loud at tinder for dogs. yeah, finally! fluffy's gonna get some! ( laughter ) that was weird. it's a real thing? >> it's in over 50 cities.
we're doing well. 'm really excited. that's the newest investment for me and my partnership. >> trevor: what are the biggest obstacles youfies in uber for dogs? >> est obstacle is people with their keys. people trust you to go into their house. >> trevor: right. >> we have the new solution. we use the bluetooth key boxes so the code changes every day. you go in, walk the dog, dog's happy, entertained on tinder and the owner is happy and relaxed. >> trevor: let's talk about olivia in the future. >> in the future. >> trevor: not too far. now future. >> oh. >> trevor: we have lego movie that's come out and x-men. you fight in real life because of all the stuff you've learned. >> i grew up doing taekwondo and when i went to x-men i wanted to do my own fight scenes.
my stunt person is very athletic but she had never done any fights before and i wanted my fight scenes to be authentic and i got back into taekwondo and it kicked the thing up in me that wanted to keep doing martial arts. >> trevor: is that for real? >> i'm a second degree black belt in taekwondo because my mom's asian and those are things we have to do. ( applause ) >> trevor: wow. >> i'm not saying i could kick your ass, but i could kick your ass. >> trevor: you are so lucky i'm woke. ( laughter ) "the lego ninjago movie" opens nationwide september 22! olivia munn, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ♪