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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  February 5, 2018 11:00pm-11:31pm PST

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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: thank you so much, everybody! thank you so much! >> trevor: welcome to the "daily show." i'm trevor noah. take a seat! thank you so much, wow! our guests tonight, creators and stars of "2 dope queens" on hbo, jessica williams and phoebe robinson are here! wow, i'm excited!
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but first, gotta say it, congratulations, philadelphia eagles! well done! ( cheers and applause ) but first, last night was the super bowl! first super bowl victory. you could tell fans were new at this fans pulled down traffic lights, started fires, and tipped over cars. >> they climbed on top to have the ritz carlton awning, which ended up collapsing. >> police were left powerless as this fan hopped on top of a police van, riding it through the massive crowd. >> trevor: damn! ( laughter ) it got so crazy that the police were left powerless? the poor police! what happened? they were, like, we couldn't do anything! they were white! ( laughter ) why would you burn your city down when you won? like, now i feel like the eagles
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fans need to lose every year so they can fix things. well, there's always next year, boys, hand me a wrench. ( laughter ) seems like the eagles fans thought they were going to lose so planned a riot, then won, and didn't want a good riot to go to waste. i love this city! yeah! they were jumping on the awning of the ritz carlton. how did they get up there? can you imagine how terrified the fancy people in the ritz carlton were? the people were, like, dear, lord! margaret! margaret! the revolution is happening! hide the silver! hide the silver! ( laughter ) you know, it's hard enough for me to understand why happy people are burning things and trashing cars. that's already strange to me. one fan was so excited that for some reason, and this is a real thing, he got so excited he was
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eating horse shit. screaming. ( chanting eat it, eat it, eat it ) >> trevor: what-the-hell? i never thought we would say this but we found the one guy who needs to eat tide pods. ( laughter ) congratulations eagles. eagles fans had a good reason to be excited about last night's game and at a rally in cincinnati earlier today, we learned president trump had his reason for loving super bowl lii. >> trevor: everybody stood up yesterday. there was nobody kneeling at the beginning to have the super bowl! we've -- of the super bowl. that's a big improvement. >> trevor: you know, trump doesn't seem so crazy if the last thing you watched beforehand was someone eating
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shit. i feel like that eagles fan should open for trump before every speech. because after that no matter what trump says people will be like, you know what? that trump guy seems like a stable genius. he really does. ( laughter ) president trump was in a really, really good mood today, even though his beloved stock market took a knee which is totally not his fault because it's only him when it goes up. you know how it works. besides, trump is still riding the state of the union high. >> did anybody happen to see the state of the union address? ( cheers and applause ) right? okay. so i got good marks. you're up there. you've got half the room going totally crazy, wild, they loved everything, and you have the other side, even on positive news -- really positive news, like that -- they were, like, death. it's very selfish. and it got to a point where i really didn't even want to look
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too much, during the speech, over to that side because, honestly, it was bad energy. no, it was bad energy. >> trevor: yeah, folks, they hated everything about me. i've never seen anything like it. it was, like, i walked into a room full of melanias. ( laughter ) look at trump, man. he's having a good time, you know. and when you watch him, there are moments where you're starting to have a good time, but then he'll say something and you're, like, wait a minute, what? >> they were, like, death, and un-american. un-american. somebody's a treasonnist. i mean, yeah, i guess, why not? can we call that treason? why not. >> trevor: sweet lord, treason? you realize you could get the death penalty for that. ifn ivan the terrible would be, like, you killed them for what? bad vibes? ( laughter ) i never saw the president throw
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out the highest crime possible like ordering popcorn at the movies, yeah, treason. shall we get the butter? yeah, let's get the butter. it's date night. and throw in the treason as well. yeah! ( laughter ) there is another reason trump is this happy because last friday republicans finally hashtag released the memo, the g.o.p.'s much hyped report on whether the f.b.i. abused its power to come off the trump campaign. since we're talking about the memo again, folks, that means it's time for memo combat. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: so after weeks of teasing, donald trump and the republicans finally released the memo, and according to trump it accomplished everything that he said it would. >> president trump claiming the republican memo from the house intelligence committee that he
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declassified actually clears him. >> trevor: he doesn't say which trump is vindicated. tiffany could be totally innocent here. ( laughter ) trump has every right to be happy, all right? he says this memo completely destroys the russia investigation which means robert mueller must be fired -- and also tried for treason. why not? ( laughter ) unlike trump, some republicans in congress actually read the memo which is why they didn't come to the same conclusion. >> some republican lawmakers are distancing themselves from the president saying the memo does not undermine the mueller investigation at all. >> this memo frankly has nothing at all to do with the special counsel. >> i don't think it has anything to do with that. >> the memo has no impact on the russia probe? >> not to me it doesn't and i was pretty integrally involved in the drafting of it. >> trevor: even trey gowdy, mr. benghazi forever, says this
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no way common rates president trump in the russian investigation. and he wrote the memo. if she says dumbledoy is gay, he is. ( laughter ) if you're totally devoted to the church of trump, when you know the memo's true reason for being is to discredit the f.b.i., all right? which is why the words of the meme to mean much less than the spirit of the memo. and this is a concept. >> as we have been explaining, this is watergate times a thousand. mural's investigation has been a witch hunt and it's built on a house of cards and is crashing down. nobody will say this, all charges against paul manafort and michael flynn need to be
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dropped, that simple. >> trevor: nobody will say it because they would be embarrassed to look at that dumb. hannity is the one who walked out of the sixth sense going everybody is dead except bruce willis. you with me? nobody else will say it. to be honest, i get why hannity needs to act like this. he needs to act like this memo is everything the meg fa fans hoped for. everything in his coverage led up to this moment. >> this scandal whether make watergate like a parking ticket, stealing a snicker's bar, this is watergate on steroids and human growth her moans that would kill the average person. >> trevor: but not me! i know karate! ahhh! ( laughter ) hannity thought the memo would exonerate donald trump so he planned his entire show as a victory parade, but when the memo was a dud, he just went on with the show. he did the opposite of the eagles fans.
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eagles fans and sean hannity, swap. age also, you won, act like you won, throw yourself a nice, safe parade. sean hannity admitted, on this one, you lost, so you know what that means? ( audience reacts ) dinner is served. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) h&r block will file your 1040ez for free. what? you know that's not your line, right? did you know that h&r block will file your 1040ez for free? uhh, yeah. the line is... my job is done here. thank you. pro tax prep for free. get your taxes won.
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and we're gonna get the phone- his phone,ry sorry. uh out of you... the important thing is that we're going to make you better. (voice-activated double-tone) okay. here's how to make butter. pour two thirds a cup of cold heavy cream into a one cup canning... snickers® satisifes.
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a small town in the heart of tennessee. where families and neighbors work together to make every drop of our whiskey. if you can't get here, just look for one of our postcards. we send them all over. they look like this. we send them all over. okay, i've given you guys eating ala chance to confess.? this little baby can detect trace amounts of cheetos dust. whaaaaat? gloria? kids? (cats meows) when did we get a cat?
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! super bowl 52 is behind us and like that security guard said to kevin hart, "it's time to move on." ( laughter ) for a catch up on everything sports related let's go to michael and roy in "i apologize for talking while you were talking." ( cheers and applause ) ( crosstalk ) >> the eagles are champs, j.t. resurrected prince, and karl lagerfeld went home a loser. another super bowl is in the books! >> which means football is over which means baseball is right around the corner---
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>> a major change announced by majomajor league baseball. the cleveland indians are dropping their blowing. >> the team will no longer wear or display the logo on signs or banners beginning 2019. the chief, a uniform mainstay since the late 1940s, has in recent years become the target of controversy. many saying the logo is racist. >> yeah, i mean, even the indians logo itself knows it. looks like he's saying, i don't know about me, guys, red face and feather? >> just to clarify, the indians aren't saying goodbye to chief wahoo until 2019. it's a four-step plan. acknowledge you've got a problem, wait a year, keep making money off the old wahoo merch, then do something about it. >> it's like now you care and you're rich. >> come on, you're telling me cleveland can't get rid of all the merch now? do like the lebron jerseys, burn 'em up. we have to wait till 2019?
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america got rid of the real indians faster than that. >> or take the current merch, bury it under th the opposing dugout, and they're cursed. >> we know curses aren't real. >> not according to pet cemetery, that's where i get my cats cremated to be safe. >> how many dead cats do you have. >> who can count? chief wahoo may be leaving a trail of tears but not every team is bowing to the pressure. >> the n.f.l. commissioner says he doesn't expect the washington redskins to change their name. the statement by roger goodell came after baseball's cleveland indians decided to remove the chief wahoo logo from their uniforms. >> remember the cost of branding. you know what? that's not nice. people don't want to hear it. the cost to rebrand a time, 15 to 20, $30 million, signage that needs changing and for whom is this. >> $30 million? why does it cost that much. >> trevor: what are you doing? going door to door and whiting out every helmet and jersey and
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cap? >> mine look like that but with must start. >> sports teams should stay awe way from anything remotely slurrish. the fighting irish. seminoles, celtics, black caucus, even get rid of the new york knicks. i want all these names gone. >> what's wrong with the knicks? >> the whole name is the new york knickerbockers. you use nicker backer in a sentence right now. >> get out of my house, you nicker backer -- yeah. >> sports names, name the team after an ethnic group, no good. name the team after a gorks all good. cowboys, proprietaries -- >> you wouldn't have had a problem if you called yourself the cleveland plumbers. >> isn't that chief wahoo? >> no, he's a native american
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plumbers. >> you clever guy. ( crosstalk ) ( applause ) >> trevor: michael kosta and roy wood, jr., everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪
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spectacular! so, you can watch all your netflix favorites on your new samsung phones. whoa! join the un-carrier and get a samsung galaxy s8 free. all on america's best unlimited network. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guests today host the very popular podcast "two dope queens," which is now a special on hbo. >> so, you know, i was hanging out with all the people -- >> right. and, so, i am your older -- >> do you want me to say you're my grandma sitting naked with her titties out? >> i don't want you to say that. i feel like you just said it on
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an hbo special! >> i did it. i did it. >> i have to stay forever young to the industry, okay? >> don't hit all of our cameras that we're sharing together. ( laughter ) how dare you. >> i got this camera and this camera back here. >> trevor: please welcome jessica williams and phoebe robinson! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> whoo! >> trevor: wow. >> this is very exciting. >> hi! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to the show. welcome back to the show. this is exciting. congratulations. "two dope queens" turned by hbo into a show. did you ever think that would happen? i remember when the show starred in brook len it was, like, there is this cool underground cult
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thing, then it was number one as a podcast and now hbo. you're going to make a movie, right? >> we didn't come to brooklyn -- you didn't come to brooklyn, trevor. >> trevor: i did, and then i saw a man walking a peacock and thought, this is mott the place to live. ( laughter ) are you going to make a movie? where does "two dope queens" go from here? >> a sex tape. >> yeah, we're boring on it. we're workshopping it now. >> there is too much plot currently. >> trevor: i like that, too much plot. >> we initially started it just because how we met was actually she was doing background on a "the daily show" piece. >> unpaid, unpaid. >> don't drag us on this show. >> trevor: delayed pay. delayed pay. >> right. because it's worked out. >> yes. >> trevor: delayed pay. >> she's being so bad today. anyway, she was working background on it and she's been a standup for about ten years
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and asked me what's something ipped to do and i told her i would love to try standup and she had me co-host the show she was doing and we co-hosted it and had so much fun and realized we were a great duo. so we just kept doing that, and we moved to bigger and bigger venues. three and a half years ago later now we have these four hbo specials that are airing. >> black history month! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: if that's not a gift tomorrow, i i've wasted my life. for those of you who haven't watched the show, it's like the queen's royal variety show, pun intended. you have your show and comedians that come on and special guest. the first guest was jon stewart in new york which was amazing. do you choose the comedians that perform on the show for a specific reason? because it feels like there's a definite choice in who you have.
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>> we want to be super inclusive. she started doing improv so we have been surrounded by a lot of white people and comedy and we wanted to diversify things and show women, people of color, queer people who don't necessarily get the same shots we do on late night and have them do amazing sets with all these amazing, talented people. when we sat down, we wanted to have people who had done the podcast previously and we were, like, thank you for doing this when we were a wee little podcast. so it runs the gamut. >> trevor: the people on hbo which is super dope -- it's funi --it's funny you say blacky month, you guys are blowing up. >> thank you. >> trevor: jessica, fantastic beasts, you're going to be in fantastic beasts? >> i am very excited. ( cheers and applause ) i have been reading those books
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since i was nine. j.k. recalling sort of found me because she watches "the daily show" and she really liked my "the daily show" stuff and she slid in my dms and -- i was, like, on a field trip with the show and she started following me and i said, cool, i'm done tweeting. she dm'd me when i was traveling with the show and it was real nice. it was crazy to have it come full circle. can i try this? >> trevor: yes. >> drink water? >> i thought it was tea. like, they wouldn't give us water when we were standing up doing bits. i'm just, like, ooh! >> trevor: like a prison interment camp, that wouldn't give us water when we were standing here. >> no, it was great. everything was great. >> trevor: phoebe, on your side, this is the world you wanted to get into. like jessica said, you came, doing standup, waiting for your big shot. it feels like this is just the beginning for you.
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off book, author. you have a follow-up for the book. >> "new york times" best seller. >> trevor: i'm going to brag! i'm going to brag! ( cheers and applause ) you're also working on a tv show as well. >> i am. i'm trying to develop a tv show with amazon now, i'm co-writing with amy who's a writer-producer and i'm writing my second book called "everything's trash but it's okay." it seems very appropriate for these times, like another collection about interracial dating. i'm dating bono -- i'm not but i met him. >> trevor: she's dating bono, folks. >> and it's super really fun sort of like weird things that happen and also like really cool awesome moments in my life. so... >> trevor: congratulations. i could not ask to speak to better or more amazing people than you two. so excited for both you have. "two dope queens," fridays
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11:30 p.m. on hbo. jessica williams, phoebe robinson. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ alexa... ashley. yeah it's about time you call that girl! no, no, no he just talked to that girl two hours ago. you gotta let love marinate... put love in that bag, to marinate... ...mmmmm love gonna be in that bag like mmm i can't wait to talk to him tomorrow. and then after that marinade you gonna pull it out... jb! who's alexa?! say it! say it jb! - you alexa. - that's right, i'm alexa. [alexa] thanks guys, but i'll take it from here. yes! - you alours is still buffering. - that'swhat's happening?. you're experiencing a network delay. you both need to be watching that on the iphone with verizon. the best streaming network. how long have you been here? i've been here a couple days. (avo) get the best unlimited on the most awarded network. and now, when you buy iphone 8, you'll get one on us. (crunch) (whack) (gasp)
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(elephant trumpeting) ( ♪ ) hello. (multiple whacks) really, dan? hi, guys. hey, dan. hi. what's up, dan? ooh, doritos... (whack, crash) (crunch) (elephant trumpeting) are we gonna talk about this? nope. are we gonna talk about this? ♪[slam] [thinking] fries seasoned in mexican spices? [thinking] dipped in warm nacho cheese sauce? sounds delicious. someone doesn't want you to taste them. ♪ taco bell's nacho fries are a threat to their monopoly. why are they doing this? who's they? the burger people... they! they! [tires screeching] [engines accelerating] [slam] [bong!] ♪ as a meteor headsnderway toward the metro area.
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go, go, go, go, go! we can fit more! there's still more room! we gotta go. juicer! we don't have a juicer! the volkswagen tiguan. it fits everything you need, and everything you don't. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. thank you for tuning in. stay tuned, "the opposition" with jordan klepper is up next. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> but did we catch them in the act or what? oh, did we catch them in the act! they are very embarrassed. they never thought they were
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going to get caught. we caught 'em! hey, we caught 'em. oh, it's so much fun. we're, like, the great sleuth. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ comedy central >> jordan: i have this here too i got a lot. giant weekend, massive weekend. it's already february 5th, my opponent tonight is author of the book so you want to talk about race. ijeoma oluo, give it up. we know. it happened. last night the philadelphia eagles defeated the new england patriots sending tom brady back to his hibernation state within the giant mayonnaise bag inside bill belichick. it keeps him


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