Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  April 13, 2018 1:35am-2:05am PDT

1:35 am
bowlers called the incident unaustralian. unaustralian? we're a convict nation! what do you think happens when you send all your criminals to one island, then you teach them a sport? of course we're going to cheat. eventually the captain had to apologize. >> i hope in time i can earn back respect and forgiveness. >> wahhhh! no, mate. you're done. your life's over now. we're okay with athletes dogfighting, committing assault, even a murder or two. but don't you dare put sandpaper near your balls. i'm jim jefferies. i think we can all do better. good night! ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central
1:36 am
>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: what's going on, everybody! welcome to "the daily show." thank you so much for tuning in. i'm trevor noah. take a seat! thank you for coming in. or guest tonight, here to talk about getting girls into software coding, supermodel and founder of "kode with klossy," charles manson is here, everybody. but first, baseball season is in full swing, and i mean, like, full swing. >> two big fights breaking out on the baseball diamond, the bitter rivalry between the
1:37 am
yankees and red sox boiling over last night. hut by a pitch tyler austin, and to the mound he goes. both teams stormed a field that early in colorado, rocky starter nolan arenado, charging the pitcher. wild melee. even the bullpen pitchers made it out on to the fold. >> trevor: so what the hell? ( laughter ) who the hell is going on here? it's like they all decided, you know what this sport is missing? concussions. that's what it's missing. i have to say it's a really nice try. but you can't make baseball interesting. just stop. just stop. i see what you guys are doing. you know what my favorite part is of a baseball fight? both teams run from the bullpen at the same place to meet each other at the fight. why not fight where you are. like, "i'll meet you there! i'll meet you there!" i bet most of the guys didn't want to be involved in the fight, but baseball brawls are like the baby showers of sports. "did you hear, louie is having a fight?" "i don't like him. do i have to go?"
1:38 am
"you know how hard he's fighting lately. you have to go." "i'll go, but two punches and i'm leaving." but now let's switch from bros to bras. >> a teen said school officials humiliated her because of what she didn't wear to school. >> 17-year-old lizzy martinez wore an over-sized shirt to school but she wasn't wearing a bra because she says she had a bad sunburn. >> the dean called her to the office after her wardrobe became a distraction to her classmates. >> she asked me to stand up and move around for her and she stood up and said it wasn't a fix and gave me a band-aid and asked me to "x" out my nipples. >> martinez plans to protest by not wearing a bar brrraaaaapppp the rest of the school year. >> trevor: are you serious? some teenaged boys get distracted by a girl's breasts so the school forces her to put band-aids on her nipples. they should be bandaging down those dicks. that's what they should be doing-- just strap those down.
1:39 am
( applause ) like here's the thing, here's the thing-- you can try to come up with a dress code that will stop high school boys from being distracted by serks but it ain't gonna happen, right. teenaged boys can look at the gap 20 couch cushions and be like, "goddamn! oh, i'm sorry. what were you saying, i got distracted by this hot-ass sofa." stop punishing the women. and speaking-- speak of cover-ups. this guy, this guy (bleep). >> coordination to this just-released report in the "the new yorker," media company a.m.i., which owns the "the national enquirer," paid a door man, dino satterdean, who worked at trump tower, $30,000 to sign a nondisclosure agreement after he offered the company a salacious story about the then-candidate trump during the 2016 election. >> the story being that he knew that donald trump had fathered a child with a former employee. >> trevor: oh, snap!
1:40 am
jerry! jerry! jerry! trump might have a secret kid? i bet everyone who doesn't know their father right now is panicking. ( laughter ) yeah, they're phoning their moms like, "tell me it wasn't him. mom! tell me it wasn't him! tell me it wasn't crack head! tail me i'm crack head blood, momma." every week we find out someone got money to keep quiet about one of trump's affairs. at this point it's almost like his dong has its own economy, you know, like a g.d.p.-- gross domestic penis. that's what it feels like right now. everyone's getting paid-- door men, porn stars, lawyers. at this point i'm worried if trump stoms cheating on melania, the stock market will crash. there will be another recession. everyone in the story is talking about whether these payoffs constitute illegal campaign contributions. that's why it's big news. but for me, there's a bigger story here. you realize if you were born in the 1980s, you might be donald trump's child. yeah. you could be in line to inherit billions of dollars in debt. ( laughter )
1:41 am
yeah, in fact, i was a child born in the 1980s. oh, my gosh! it's me! ( laughter ) papa donald? ( laughter ) i always felt-- i always felt like there was something, something connecting the two of us. so similar, folks. everyone said it. i can see it now. ( laughter ) i'll show you my birth certificate. let's move on. ( cheers and applause ) let's move on from the big news of the week to how we all get the big news of the week, facebook. in the wake of the cambridge analytica scandal, congress had questions about how facebook collects data. they called in facebook c.e.o. and less-charismatic man, mark
1:42 am
zuckerberg. they had 57 representatives and a dazzling array of facial expressions. look at all those facial expressions. look at that. these long hearings can be grueling, which may be why zuckerberg brought an extra cushion with him to sit there. look at that. that is so cute. oh, man. you have to protect the silicon valley, you know what i mean? ( laughter ) and now, and now, some of the congress people seem to have done their homework. but even when they dthey still didn't seem to know how to ask the right questions. >> what was facemash, and is it still up and running? you put up pictures of two women and decide which one was the better, the more attractive of the two, is that right? >> i'm communicating with my friends on facebook, and indicate that i love a certain kind of chocolate. >> let's say i'm emailing about "blac"black panther" within wha. do i get a "black panther" banner ad? >> trevor: okay, first of all, you don't email in whatsapp. that's like saying-- second of
1:43 am
all, who is emailing about "black panther"? like, what are you writing about? "to whom it may concern, is this your king! is this your king?" to be fair, some lawmakers didn't know what questions to ask, and that's when zuckerberg suddenly became the person who didn't know how facebook works. >> there have been reports that facebook can crack track an int user's browsing activity, february after that user has logged off of the facebook platform. you can confirm whether or not this is true. >> um, senator, i want to make sure i get this accurate, so it would probably be better to have my team follow up. >> you don't know? if they choose to delete their account, how long do you keep their data? >> i don't know the answer to that off the top of my head. i do not have that information with me. senator, i don't know. congresswoman, i don't remember if we had a financial penalty. >> you're the c.e.o. of the company? >> i'm not-- i'm not sure of the
1:44 am
answer to that question. >> trevor: is it just me, or does it sound like mark zuckerberg was coached by siri. "i'm sorry, i don't know the answer to that, but here are five chinese restaurants nearby." that's not what i was searching for! i'm not saying he should have the answer to every question, but i think it's a little strange that the guy who bragged for years about being a genius suddenly doesn't know where the "like" button is. it's like zuckerberg is trying to do a reverse keyser soze. dude, we saw you. we know you're smart. while there were many things mark zuckerberg doesn't know, there was one thing he was sure about-- he was very, very sorry. >> we didn't take a broad enough view of our responsibility, and that was a big mistake. it was my mistake. and i'm sorry. ist sounds like we made a mistake there. i apologize for that. in retrospect, it was a mistake. we have made a lot of mistakes in rung the company. it was my mistake, and i'm
1:45 am
sorry. >> trevor: "i am a human, and i'm sorry." ( laughter ) i just realized something-- this is the first time in a year we have seen a man apologizing for something and it wasn't sexual harassment. progress, this is progress, people. ( applause ) and now, if you started this week thinking that washington was going to punish facebook for how they treated our data, then, i'm sorry, because by the looks of it, even congress doesn't believe they can take on facebook. >> here's what's gonna happen. there are going to be a whole bunch of bills introduced to regulate facebook. it's up to you whether they pass or not. you can go back home, spend $10 million on lobbyists and fight us, or you can go back home, and help us solve this problem. >> trevor: what? ( laughter ) so all it takes to beat congress is $10 million? that's nothing. mark zuckerberg spends that on his laughing lessons.
1:46 am
it's like moo? no, it's ha-ha. try again, mark. would have? no, it's ha-ha. what senator kennedy said there is both depressing and refreshingly honest at the same time. like, he knows that lobbyists rule washington, and facebook can afford a shit-ton of lobbyists. all lawmakers can really do is chastise facebook publicly and ask them nicely to go and think about what they've done. that's all they can do. basically, congress has to deal with big corporations the way big rich people punish their kids, "young man, there are going to be consequences for this. new you go to one of your bedrooms and figure out what the consequences should be. here's your new iphone. go away." after 10 hours of questioning, all congress got was nonanswers and robo sorries. while the apologies might have seemed worthless,let stock market disagreed. once it became clear congress wasn't going to do anything to reg lailt facebook, the company's stock went up so much,
1:47 am
zuckerberg's rose by $3 billion. that works out to about $10 million a minute. just for testifying in congress. so i guess what i'm saying is, congress, if you need me to testify for some shit-- ( cheers and applause ) i don't know what i did, but i'm sorry. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) we're almost there. she's coming! stall. my video call's lagging. mom? surprise! surprise! hold up. hold up. we got a laggy video call here. you need verizon, the best network for streaming. here. trade ya. okay, people, that's a reset. you want us to surprise her again? yeah, but like in a fun way. like this. all my favorite friends are here. there's tony and diane. like something like that. (avo) get up to 50% off our best phones, like the samsung galaxy s9 and the google pixel 2.
1:48 am
because unlimited is only as good as the network it's on.
1:49 am
xfinity watchathon week. television is back, starting april 16th, enjoy free access to tv's hottest shows from netflix, hbo, showtime, starz and more with xfinity on demand or the xfinity stream app. you'll want to tap out of your regular life and go binge while someone else stands in. blargh uhhmm. good luck. blargh uhhmm. ♪ when i'm gone when i'm gone ♪ ♪ you're gonna miss me when i'm gone ♪ ♪ you're gonna miss me when i'm gone ♪ ♪ gone gone gone when i'm gone ♪
1:50 am
1:51 am
like the crisp, cold refreshment some thiof busch.d never change. but some things should... like mike's aim. mike! toss me a busch! wow. good effort. buschhhhhhhh. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." yesterday, yesterday was the 50th an various of a milestone in american equality. for more on this, we go to roy wood jr., in another episode of "c.p. time."
1:52 am
( applause ) ♪ ♪ >> hi, welcome to "c.p. time." the only show that's for the culture. this week marked a wonderful anniversary for black people. it was today in 1999 that jay z and beyonce started dating. i'm just joking. not only is that the the wrong date, but that union was a terrible tragedy that benefitted no one but jay z. actually, this week marks the 50th anniversary of fair housing act of 1968, which meant landlords couldn't keep black people out of their apartments, proving once and for all that rioting works. that's right-- we burned down those streets until they let us live in those houses that we burned down. because sometimes injustice demands action. like the time my neighbor kept parking his miata in my parking space until i reichously set
1:53 am
that bitch on fire. only thing was, it turned out that darryl never drove a miata. woops. ( laughter ) and the good news is many years later, black people are still affecting housing policy, this time from the inside. just look at housing an housingn development secretary ben carson, a man who's 30% black and 70% asleep. ( laughter ) last year, dr. carson tried to stop an obama program that let poor people use housing vouchers in rich neighborhoods. finally, after decades of racial discrimination, black people have reached the point where we can help to discriminate. we made it to the mountaintop, martin. we're going to push these other negroes off it. now, the fair housing act was just one of three major civil rights laws of that time. there was also the civil rights act of 1964. this was the act that allowed black people to sit at the counter at woolworth's.
1:54 am
a lot of young people don't remember woolworth's, but it was one of the rare department stores that also served food. today, it would be like me eating lunch at a ralph's dress for less-- which i do. ( laughter ) the third great civil rights law was the voting rights act of 1965, which let the federal government intervene in states that suppressedly the black vote. it was a landmark piece of legislation, or it was, until 2013, when the supreme court knocked down a huge chunk of it. they said it worked so well, we didn't need it anymore. the supreme court did the same thing that i did with my diabetes pills. they started working, so i stopped taking them. you keep taking something and it's working, best decision i ever made. i got to have it. i got to have it, baby. and i'm back.
1:55 am
so that's the story of the fair housing act, the civil rights act, and the veting rights act, which together are like a "lord of the rings" trilogy for black people except i call them jeff sessions. i'm roy wood jr. and, as always, remember, it's for the culture. you want to see my ben carson impersonation? ( laughter ) it was good, wasn't it? ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: roy wood jr., everyone. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) [ heavy breathing ] [ gasp ] truth or dare? something really weird has been going on ever since mexico. the game, it followed us home. truth or dare? tell the truth. do the dare... no way. or you die. [ screaming ]
1:56 am
break olivia's hand. i can't. well you really don't have a choice. [ screaming ] how do we get out of this game alive? you can't. it only ends when all the players are dead. [ screaming ] rated pg-13.
1:57 am
certain chemicals can prevent paint from delivering the color you want. so we got rid of them, and that made our paint color more durable, more fade resistant, and truer. it's a simpler paint formula, thanks to our exclusive gennex color technology. so now there's less standing between you and better color. that's proudly particular. benjamin moore. the standard for paint professionals. only at local paint and hardware stores.
1:58 am
the standard for paint professionals. eight pieces of kentucky fried chicken, all the fixin's all about my $20 fill up. and it'll feed your family of four. hit it boys! ah one, and ah two, and...we're out of time. ♪it's finger lickin' good! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a supermodel, entrepreneur, and founder of "kode with klossy."
1:59 am
please welcome karlie kloss. ( cheers and applause ) >> hi. >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> oh, the hot seat. >> trevor: yeah. it's not a hot seat. it's just a seat. >> yeah. >> trevor: and now it's hot. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: your journey is one that is genuinely fascinating to me because of where you owned up in your career but also how you got started. you have one of those fairytale stories of being discovered as a model. >> in a mall. >> trevor: in a mall. >> in a mall. >> trevor: you were walking through a mall. >> i was 13 years old, and i was with one of my good friends, and i was walking through a mall and was discovered. >> trevor: right. >> and it-- it started my modeling career. >> trevor: how does that happen? >> it's, like, not a typical-- typical day at the mall. but i was stopped, and i was asked if i would be interested in walking in a runway show. >> trevor: right. >> and i said, "i don't even know what that means, but sure."
2:00 am
>> trevor: but, like, how does a person do it without being a creep? how do you know it's not a roy moore-like person in a mall asking 13-year-olds if they want to model? >> it could have been that. i mean, thank goodness it was not. >> trevor: right. >> but, no, i feel like i have had a bit of a cinderella story. >> revor: right. >> and feel really, really lucky that it wasn't that. and that it was the beginning of a career. and i grew up in the midwest, and i had no idea that some day i would be a model. and it happened really fast. >> trevor: uniform been on this journey that's been really fascinating and most would be happy with that. most would say, "i'm a model now. i've killed want game." you're a model and i think in 2013, you go, "i want to learn how to code." >> yeah, it's not probably the most linear path, but that's kind of just been my life. so, yes, i-- i started modeling at 15 and have had, like, the most amazing journey through it all. >> trevor: right. >> and i still love my day job. but at a certain point, i was really interested in getting
2:01 am
back into classes, and i was really just fascinated by the tech industry. >> trevor: right. >> and i was so confused about what the rest of the world didn't understand that these tech entrepreneurs did. like this-- this code. >> trevor: right. >> i didn't understand what that was. so i took a coding class. and that just opened my eyes to understanding, like, that it is a language that can be learned, and that you can build, like, things that can scale to billions of people. but it starts with learning to code. >> trevor: when you're in that class-- i don't want to stereotype the class-- but i don't believe there are many models in that class. >> there aren't many women. i mean, that's the thing. and that's what i really realized, that i wanted to share this learning and this access to learning to code and kind of getting girls excited about learning to code. >> trevor: right, right, right. >> because it actually is a really creative skill set. and so i started "kode with klossy," with is my foundation to teach girls how to learn how
2:02 am
to code and become leaders in tech. >> trevor: you decided to get young girls into the program, and it's "kode with klossy--" and it's girls 13-18. >> 13-18 girls across the country, and this is a big summer for us, because we're actually going to teach 1,000 girls to learn how to code in our camps across the country. >> >> trevor: that's amazing. >> we're going to be in 25 different cities, and we have 50 camps. and we're teaching teachers and we're really excited. so any girls that you know or that are watching who are interested in learning to code, apply to come join our camp. >> trevor: wait, so what do people need? they just apply, and they join? do they need to know about-- >> they don't need to know anything. do you know how to code? >> trevor: no. >> you should come to our camp. >> trevor: but i'm not a 13-year-old girl. >> you can come watch the 13-year-olds. >> trevor: you're trapping me! i'm not going to watch 13-year-old girls. >> trevor: you said you're
2:03 am
also going to be training teachers. >> yes. >> trevor: that seems like something i haven't heard of much before. a lot of kids are learning how to code. what is the teachers' aspect of it. >> i think thinking bigger picture, how to get more girls having access to learning these skills, but also to create bigger impact, investing in teachers how to code and also to teach how to code. that's this amazing way to scale the impact. >> trevor: right, right. >> that's something we're focusing on. and teachers are-- i mean they're the unsung heroes of the world. >> trevor: definitely. >> heard about your foundation. >> trevor: yeah, but we're not doing code. >> you should be doing code. >> trevor: we're going to teach the coding and i'll be thera, i'll bring the kids-- this is a trap. i will not bring the kids. i will give kids access to the code ewing know what, sign up. all have to do is sign up. girls 13-18 have until april 22
2:04 am
to apply to one of car karli's e coding class. experience a blend of refined craftsmanship... ...and raw power, engineered to take the crown. presenting the all-new lexus ls 500 and ls 500h. experience amazing, at your lexus dealer. only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. they release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. tylenol®
2:05 am

42 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on