Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  October 23, 2018 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

11:00 pm
the 27th. i'm jim jeffries. i think we can all do better, good night. [patriotic music] - from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... [upbeat music] big little allies. [peppy accordion music] - french president emmanuel macron has arrived in america for the first state visit hosted by president trump. - while other leaders seem to clash with trump,
11:01 pm
macron was the belle to trump's beast. - macron has been dubbed "the trump whisperer" by some because of their close diplomatic relationship. - macron says he and trump have a special relationship. - mr. president, they're all saying what a great relationship we have, and they're actually correct. it's not fake news. finally it's not fake news. - look how excited little donnie is, man. doesn't--doesn't he look like he just invited his best friend over for a sleepover? it's actually cute. yeah. it really is. they might even play truth or dare. it would be like, "okay, my turn. dare me to sleep with your wife." "uh, how about we do truth instead?" "okay, truth: i want to sleep with your wife." but the ultimate test is how you handle it when he publicly humiliates you. - it's a great honor, great honor that you're here. but we do have a very special relationship. in fact, i'll get that little piece of dandruff off, a little piece. we have to make him perfect. he is perfect.
11:02 pm
so it is really--it is really great to be with you, and you're a special friend. thank you. thank you. - thank you. - yo, you, this dude-- this dude just picked something white off macron's shoulder and then announced it to dandruff. like, he just announced it as dandruff to the cameras, like, "look, look, i found a dandruff. i found it." and credit to macron. he just went with it. yeah, that's diplomacy. because if i was macron, i would have clapped back. he would have been like, "you've got dandruff." i would have been like, "excuse me, i have dandruff? "no, donald, you are a human dandruff. "you are the flakes on the scalp of society. i shampoo you from my life." but he was calm. he handled it perfectly. in fact, every moment macron handled perfectly, you know, whether it was giving speeches or playing outside. you could really feel that macron was connecting with trump. and we all know that trump is not the sentimental type. but clearly macron made him feel a way that he's never, ever felt before: human. [applause]
11:03 pm
- thank you. thank you. - i like him a lot. that's my prediction. it's only a prediction. - thank you. thank you very much. [laughter] look, like, i--i know it's-- i know it's a cliché, but that's a bromance. [upbeat percussive music] president trump was at the white house hosting president buhari of nigeria. although let's be honest. trump probably thought he was meeting with african ray charles. and things got a little awkward at the press conference, because remember last year when trump called african countries shitholes? well, that came up. - did you address his reported comments from earlier this year when he reportedly used vulgar language to describe african nations?
11:04 pm
- we didn't discuss it. - [laughs] - and you do have some countries that are in very bad shape and very tough places to live in. - "as i said, shitholes." [laughter] [upbeat percussive music] ♪ president trump, remember him? we all know he wants to build a wall, and now he wants other countries to build one too. - president trump has a brand-new border wall controversy, only this one involves a desert in africa. spain's foreign minister says trump told him he should build a border wall across the entire sahara desert to thwart europe's migrant crisis. [laughter] - imagine--imagine having the world learn about your toad penis, and it's still only the second most
11:05 pm
embarrassing story about you this week. and, you know, and, like, to be honest, i'm disappointed in trump, because when he first came up with "the wall," i thought he was, like, a crazy, out-of-the-box thinker. but now i realize he's only got one move. like, i wouldn't be shocked if trump uses the wall as a pickup line, like, he's that guy at the bar who's like, "excuse me, miss. "is that drink a wall? because somebody else is about to pay for it." [laughter and applause] oh, and... and just--and just by the way, i can't even believe i have to say this, but africa is not a part of spain, so they can't just build something on someone else's land. [upbeat percussive music] today president trump chaired a meeting of the un security council, and the good news is, he now believes that foreign countries do meddle in u.s. elections, yes. the bad news is, he only cares if he thinks it will hurt him. - regrettably, we found, that china has been attempting to interfere in our upcoming 2018 election.
11:06 pm
they do not want me or us to win, because i am the first president ever to challenge china on trade, and we are winning on trade. we are winning at every level. - i love how the one china delegate in the background is like, "is this thing plugged in properly? is this guy saying what i think he's saying?" because this is genius. you realize that trump is basically saying that if he gets crushed in the midterms, it's not because he's bad; it's because he's so good, china had to do something about it. yeah, and by the way, no one knows where he got this "hacking" claim from, right? he could have gotten it from the cia, or maybe he just got a fortune cookie he didn't like. you know? just, like, "god damn you, china. "you're hacking me. "ahh, nom-nom-nom. i can't stay mad at you. i can't stay mad at you, china." [upbeat music] ♪ [patriotic music]
11:07 pm
the meeting of the executive finance committee is now in session. and... adjourned. business loans for eligible card members up to fifty thousand dollars, decided in as little as 60 seconds. the powerful backing of american express. don't do business without it. take prilosec otc and take control of heartburn. so you don't have to stash antacids here... here... or, here. kick your antacid habit with prilosec otc. one pill a day, 24 hours, zero heartburn. rewards me basically aeverywhere.om so why am i sliding into this ski lodge with my mini horse? because hotels.com lets me do me. sorry, the cold makes him a little horse. hotels.com. you do you and get rewarded.
11:08 pm
cats would do anything for the irresistible taste of temptations treats. what are you doing? hey, check this out. temptations - cats can't resist. nongenemodi... nongen... oh, triscuit! is non-genetically modified. nongenemodiscuit. triscuit is non-gmo project verified. triscuit. make 'scuit happen. i am also not genetically-modified. ♪ music ♪laying ♪ ♪
11:09 pm
[patriotic music] [upbeat music] [dramatic music] ♪ - global stunner: the president agrees to meet face-to-face with north korea's leader, something no president has ever done. the decision to meet came suddenly and dramatically. once president trump heard that kim jong-un wanted to meet with him, he quickly agreed. - the president was ecstatic, poking his head into the white house briefing room to announce that something big was about to happen. - this is the cutest story i've heard about trump in a long time. he was so excited kim jong-un wanted to meet him that he was running around the white house telling everyone. just, like, "did you guys hear? "i said yes.
11:10 pm
"♪ rocket man ♪ never had a lover like this before ♪" now, a sitting u.s. president meeting with the leader of north korea is like a "sesame street" episode about group sex; it's never happened. - he's not prepared, jonathan. that's the problem. there's no one at the state department to brief him. there's--we have no ambassador to south korea. will he be prepared? we don't know. - but--but, donna, you have to admit that the previous white house and the one before that had some of the most well-prepared, brilliant foreign policy minds that we've ever seen, and it was a failure. - oh, that's a really good point. the experts have been trying to solve north korea for 20 years, and it's only gotten worse. so if the smart people can't do it, why not try trump, right? it's like--it's like if you had a rare disease that the world's top doctors couldn't cure, so you were like, "you know what? "why not let that dog in a hat give it a try? "yeah. how did he even get that hat? he's got to be pretty smart."
11:11 pm
[dramatic music] - earlier before their historic sit-down in singapore, the two leaders sizing each other up with a handshake. - yeah, you heard that right. president trump said meeting kim jong-un was his great honor. i mean, then again, when you have appeared in a mcdonald's commercial talking to grimace, everything seems like an honor. i get it. i get it. but this alone--this alone is what north korea has been pining for for decades, right? equal standing with the american president, shaking hands, their flags side-by-side. some may have seen that and thought, "oh, trump's being nice for now, but when he gets kim alone in that negotiation room, he gonna de-nuke his nuts off." but it turns out only one man lost his nuts in that room. - trump and kim signed a joint document committing to work towards, "complete denuclearization of the korean peninsula." the agreement is short on specifics, like whether the denuclearization will be
11:12 pm
verifiable and irreversible. - there's nothing new in this agreement. these are vague assertions from north korea. - the piece of paper that got signed yesterday is, frankly, weak. i mean, this is--this is not a strong piece of paper. - because you realize kim didn't commit to anything. he basically facebook rsvp'd a nuclear deal. that's all he did. and while kim gave up nothing major, he got the american president to give up a lot more. - president trump making a massive concession agreeing to stop joint military exercises between the united states and south korea, exercises that greatly annoyed the north korean leader. south korea caught off guard by the president's announcement responding that they need to figure out the accurate meaning and intention behind the statement. - uh, good luck with that, south korea. yeah, good luck. we've been trying to figure out trump's accurate meaning and intentions since the day he stepped off that escalator. yeah. but this is incredible. kim jong-un went up against the world's greatest negotiator,
11:13 pm
the man who literally hired someone to write "the art of the deal" and got him to give up something for nothing. it's almost like kim jong-un did a jedi mind trick on trump. you know, trump was like, "yes, i will stop military exercises, "and i will also pick you up from the airport. it'll be fun." like, kim jong-un, he owned the summit so hard. by the end, he'd even turned the leader of the free world into his personal hype man. - kim jong-un, as you know, has killed family members, has starved his own people. why are you so comfortable calling him "very talented"? - well, he is very talented. anybody that takes over a situation like he did at 26 years of age and is able to run it and run it tough... - kim is a brutal dictator. he runs a police state, forced starvation, labor camps. he's assassinated members of his own family. how do you trust a killer like that? - his country does love him.
11:14 pm
his people, you see the fervor. they have a great fervor. i think they're gonna end up with a very strong country and a country which has people that-- they're so hardworking, so industrious. - so--so you saw people enslaved in labor camps, and you thought, "man, these people love their jobs." really, donald? this is what happens when you're friends with kanye west. i mean...and now--and now, don't get me wrong. don't get me wrong. i'm not saying president trump shouldn't have negotiated with kim jong-un at all. but there's a big gap between being civil with the person and endorsing the freddy krueger of human rights. the only part of that summit that didn't seem to go kim's way is when donald trump slipped up and appeared to make a fat joke about his new friend. [laughter]
11:15 pm
- yo, yo, the look. yo, the look on kim jong-un's face. it's like a scene out of "the office." like, he's--you can see he's thinking, "make him look thin. "you mean i'm not thin? "why didn't anyone tell me? was it the death camps?" why didn't you tell me?" and i guess from trump's perspective, this is what he got out of the whole summit. yeah, when he gets back to the white house, his people are gonna be like, "mr. president, you sold america down the river." and he'll be like, "yeah, but did you see that fat joke? worth it." cleary what happened here was trump didn't feel the need to prepare for a nuclear summit, because he thought his million-dollar listing skills would carry him through. and it turns out if the sales pitch fails, he knows that he can always fall back on his other skill. - i think he's--i think, honestly, i think he's gonna do these things. i may be wrong. i mean, i may stand before you in six months and say, "hey, i was wrong." i don't know that i'll every admit that, but i'll find--i'll find some kind of an excuse.
11:16 pm
- ah, truth trump, my favorite trump. he basically just admitted that this whole deal is as shaky as one of his casinos, only if this thing falls apart, instead of bankruptcy, there's a nuclear war. we'll be right back. [upbeat music] ♪ [patriotic music] ♪ do you ♪ the 3 for $10 deal it's hot got a cheesy up-grade ♪ ♪ we added a burger, now topped with our queso ♪ ♪ it's que-so-amazing, que-so see you soon ♪ ♪ 3 for $10 bucks, baby, bucks, baby, bucks ♪ mmm-hmm... ♪ oh, baby, 3 for $10 bucks ♪ ♪ baby, bucks, baby, bucks ♪ hero: hey...yeah, that's what i was thinking. sofia: she kept going on and on and on. anyway i can't believe what she sai- (gets cut-off) ♪ toy by young fathers ♪ ♪ i'm chasing shadows in the gallows collecting what was stolen from me ♪
11:17 pm
♪ you'll make my morning, buty the price ruin my day.ou? complicated relationship with milk? pour on the lactaid, 100% real milk, just without that annoying lactose. mmm, that's good. so you need people that it iyou're close to...r footing, to help guide you. i think about how important it was for me to have the role models i've had. oh, look at that!
11:18 pm
i wasn't able to get there alone. he essentially plucked me out of obscurity. he's the one who said, "hey man, this is your life, this is what you need to do." nobody can do it alone. the more help you can get along the way, the faster you can achieve your goals. i'm in it to fly. ...to help people achieve their dreams. ...to speak for those who can not. whatever you're in it for... ...we're in it together.
11:19 pm
♪ahahahahaha. hahaha. discover the rainbow! taste the rainbow! you're in the business of helping people. we're in the business of helping you. business loans for eligible card members up to fifty thousand dollars, decided in as little as 60 seconds. the powerful backing of american express. don't do business without it. look around. with artificial intelligence, we are not crawling or walking. we are flying. microsoft ai helps an architect
11:20 pm
bring history back to life. this is now. ai helps farmers grow more food with less resources. an engineer explores how ai can help the deaf see sound. innovation creates tomorrow, and tomorrow is here today. [patriotic music] [upbeat music] ♪ [sitar music] - first up, after syrian president bashar al-assad attacked his own people with chemical weapons last week, the world has been waiting to see if president trump would respond with military action. and because this is a decision that could lead to an all-out war, the president announced his decision with all the gravitas it demanded. [dramatic music] - president trump is up and firing off tweets about the situation in syria. - "russia vows to shoot down any and all missiles "fired at syria. "get ready, russia, because they will be coming, nice and new and 'smart!'"
11:21 pm
- it's hard to see how this is anything but the president of the united states declaring war on twitter. - i feel like we joked about this, and now it's become real. 'cause when trump got elected, we were like, "he's gonna start a war on twitter. ha-ha-ha-ha-ha." and then before he got elected, we were like, he's gonna become president, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha." yeah, it turns out every joke about trump is just a headline that hasn't happened yet. and also, why does trump tweet so weird? "these missiles are nice and new and 'smart'"? it sounds like he's trying to fix them up with the missiles. it's like he's saying to the russians, "look, i know you don't like blind dates, "but these missiles, they're really nice, really smart. "just come. no pressure. it's just a launch, come on." [light flute music] ♪ so late last night trump reacted by grabbing his tweet box and creating a problem for all of us. - breaking news, because overnight, the president threatening war with iran,
11:22 pm
language that raises new concerns. - president trump fired off this threat. "to iranian president rouhani, never, ever threaten "the united states again or you will suffer consequences "the likes of which few throughout history have ever suffered before." - he was in all-caps, which means he was yelling back at iran. [laughter] - what? what are you... why is he explaining caps lock to fox viewers? they're old. they're not amish. like, come on. he's like, "now, there's also a yellow face with a smile on it. it's not a real person. that's a..." but yes, president trump has made an all-caps threat to destroy another country, and remember, this is the same way he threatened fire and fury on north korea, yeah, and then six months later totally caved to kim jong-un, yeah, so there's a good chance that in a few months we'll see trump saluting iran, and america will be under sharia law. yeah, he'll be like, "i gave iran everything they wanted,
11:23 pm
"folks, and now there will be peace in shalah. [stately orchestral music] ♪ - you know, we all know-- we all know that in america many people dislike donald trump. but it turns out in england they also don't like him. - mr. trump and the first lady also visited windsor castle for his first meeting with queen elizabeth, which had some awkward moments. - as the visit was taking place, tens of thousands of protesters took to the streets of london carrying signs with messages like, "trump not welcome" and "dump trump." - the streets of london swelled with tens of thousands of people protesting president trump, including an inflatable trump baby blimp - and if the british disliked trump before he arrived, his visits only made things worse. - the president breached british protocol by publicly disclosing the details of a conversation he had with queen elizabeth. - he broke royal protocol by walking in front of the queen,
11:24 pm
but she quickly stepped forward to correct the error. - he also today had tea with the queen. he did keep her waiting for ten minutes. - video recorded the very punctual 92-year-old queen checking her watch prior to the president's arrival. - good lord. is there--is there any rule he didn't break? he's like, "president trump in hot water after pushing the queen into the royal swimming pool." for more on trump's u.k. visit, we're joined by an actual british person, gina yashere, everybody. [cheers and applause] gina, in the u.s.-- in the u.s., trump's u.k. visit seemed to not go so well, but as a british person, what do you think? - it was an unmitigated disaster, trevor. this cockwomble--yeah, that's what i called him-- he came--came to our country and insulted us. i mean, look what he did to our queen.
11:25 pm
he's cutting her off like he's trying to beat her to the early bird special. look, it wasn't just the protocol that he messed up. trump was straight rude. he insulted our prime minister on tape before he even met with her, and then he blamed the mayor of london, sadiq khan, for terrorism. obviously because he's muslim, and it must have been one of his cousins. - wow. you know, like, after this, i bet you wish that trump had never come at all. - are you kidding? on the contrary. i wish he'd pop by more often. - but--but, gina, you just said that everyone in britain hated it. - exactly, everyone. the united kingdom has never been so united. i mean, before him, nobody cared about the royals. we were like, "they don't work. "they do nothing. "our taxes pay for them to live on posh welfare. they're 'downton abbey' meets 'shameless.'" but trump walks in front of our queen, and i was like, "but this is the mother of our nation, damn it.
11:26 pm
"she's the jewel in our crown. put his man in stocks and slap his balls with a wet crumpet." [laughter] - slap...slap his balls with a wet crumpet? - look, nobody wins here, trevor. his balls get crushed, and we waste a perfectly good crumpet. [laughter and applause] [upbeat music] ♪ [patriotic music]
11:27 pm
the meeting of the executive finance committee is now in session. and... adjourned. business loans for eligible card members up to fifty thousand dollars, decided in as little as 60 seconds. the powerful backing of american express. don't do business without it. sometimes a day at the ballpark is more than just a day at the ballpark. [stadium announcer] all military members stand and be recognized. no matter where or when you served, t-mobile stands ready to serve you. look! it's a hmm... whale. i don't know. that's it. suit up! ♪ ha-ha! watch the fur! ♪
11:28 pm
look! ♪ ahhh... can we keep him? what do you see in your cheetos? green book is the feel good we are privileged.
11:29 pm
to present a great american artist. he has preformed at the white house twice. please welcome don shirley. i'm about to embark on a concert tour. do you foresee any issues in working for a black man? no, but i ain't no butler. and you, in the deep south? there's gonna be problems. in a divided time... come on, get out now. their differences... you never win with violence. i didn't like the way he was treating you. i've had to endure that my entire life. you should be able to take it one night. inspired an unexpected friendship. what you do, only you can do that. you want another piece? what do we do about the bones? we do this. [ laughing ] [ music stops ] pick it up tony. squirrels would'a ate it anyway. pick it up. [patriotic music] [upbeat music] [peppy music] ♪ - remember that photo of president trump at the g7 summit from a few weeks ago? remember that one, where it looked like all the other world leaders were fighting with trump because he refused to take a bath?
11:30 pm
yeah? well, it turns out there's a pretty sweet story behind it. - chancellor merkel of germany and prime minister trudeau of canada wanted to press trump directly to sign the communiqué, and trump was sitting there with his arms crossed clearly not liking the fact that he felt like they were ganging up on him. he said, okay, he'll sign it, and at that point, he stood up, he put his hand in his pocket, and he took two starburst candies out, threw them on the table and said to merkel, "here, angela, don't say i never give you anything." [laughter] - i...cannot believe that donald trump would have two uneaten starbursts in his pocket. i also can't believe he threw them at another world leader. although knowing trump, he probably immediately snatched the second starburst back. he was like, "i only meant to give you one. nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom." [upbeat music] ♪
11:31 pm
- [imitating tone, coughs] coat! michael just rented the devil wears prada. he has his netflix sent here to the office, and he watches them in pieces when things are slow. (michael) steak! where's my steak? (pam) he's a big meryl streep fan, so i shouldn't be surprised that he's identified with her character. get me armani. a suit? on the phone. like the main company number because i'm gonna have to call information-- where's armani? he's on the phone. too slow. you're not going to paris. i'm so much better than you are. [stifling laughter] i owe you an apology. you finished the movie. yeah, it was awesome.

65 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on