tv The Daily Show Comedy Central November 1, 2018 11:00pm-11:31pm PDT
[telephone rings] [ring] dunder-mifflin. this is pam. uh, hold, please. [michael clapping] captioning by brian at captionmax www.captionmax.com where the heat is on -- wow! miami. ( woman speaking spanish ) >> trevor: no, south african. but thank you. ( speaking spanish ) >> trevor: no, south african, thank you. >> hey, bro. you're dominican, right? >> trevor: yeah, fine -- (spanish). >> this is an i.c.e.! stop resisting, man! >> trevor: no, i'm south
african! >> from miami, with evaporated booty sweat, it's "the daily show" with trevor noah, democalypse 2018, the closest we could get to mar-a-lago. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: what's going on, everybody?! welcome to the show! ( cheers and applause ) thank you for coming out! welcome, everybody! welcome! my name is trevor noah! this is "the daily show"! coming to you from miami, florida! ( cheers and applause ) take a seat! take a seat and let's get into it. our guest tonight, nba superstar dwayne wade is here! ( cheers and applause ) dwayne! oh, man! we've had so much fun! this is our final night here in
miami and this whole week has been amazing. we've loved every single moment. my body is now 60% cuban sandwiches and the other 40% red algae, and i've never felt better! ( cheers and applause ) and i will say a part of me thought this week would be a bit more of a vacation. i thought we would come to florida, talk about florida issues, go home, follow the halloween show happening in the white house -- ( laughter ) -- but instead all of the news followed us here. everything. the mail bombs sent around the country allegedly came from florida. the woman involved in the attempted fake #metoo against robert mueller is from florida. and last night the presidential jack-o'-lantern himself came to florida to hold a campaign rally for local candidate ron desantis and rick scott.
( booing ) >> trevor: yeah, they don't like you either. ( laughter ) president trump held a rally yesterday on halloween and, from the looks at it, he decided to go as racism. >> andrew gillum wants to throw your border up to drug dealers, human traffickers, gang members and criminal aliens. oh, that's great, that's what we want. let those people pour right in, folks. let them come and joan you on your front lawn. ( booing ) >> trevor: did he just say let them come enjoy you on your front lawn? what does that even mean? no, because, now, i'm just picturing an immigrant who's come all the way to the united states just to watch americans like they're in the zoo. just standing there outside someone's house, wow, look at that, little josé! that's a grirchgo in his natural habitat, man! ( speaking spanish ) what do you mean, no?
he's got peanuts, man! we're trying to enjoy you on your front lawn, man! why are you acting like you never heard that phrase before? ( laughter ) of all the 36 governors and the races going on now, chump trump chose to come to florida for a reason, right. the governor's race here has won of the most progressive democrats versus one of the most trumpian republicans of all times. ( cheers and applause ) and what's major about this election is that the winner will get to approve new election districts which will impact the ballots of pow -- the balance of power in congress for a decade and, also, donald trump lives in mar-a-lago, don't forget that, so this is personal to him. if andrew gillum wins, then he gets a black governor.
you realize andrew gillum will be his governor. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. so, basically, trump came to florida before the election for the same reason we came here, right, to spread hate and divisiveness. ( laughter ) no, i'm joking, because of all the important issues it represents. with the midterms five days away, you can feel it in the air, either democracy or hue multi. either way, it's causing my thighs to chafe, and if you are planning to vote on tuesday -- which i hope you all are -- ( cheers and applause ) -- get ready for a rough ride because whoever is in charge of your voting system is clearly trying to (~bleep ) with you. >> as if having 12 amendments on the ballot wasn't confusing enough, voters will also have to deal with a trend called bundling, essentially grouping two or more different issues under one amendment. >> bundling confused everybody because some subjects aren't related. >> like a ban on offshore
drilling with a ban on indoor vaping. >> trevor: why would you combine two unrelated issues under one vote? because, now, when floridians go to vote on tuesday, you realize when you vote on amendment 9, if you vote no to offshore drilling, you've also automatically voted no to indoor vaping. that makes absolutely no sense. none at all. it's like when they have the weird dvd combos in the bin at wal-mart, air bud combined with 50 shades of grey. those movies make no sense together. i'll go home and jack off and watch 50 shades of grey? that makes no sense. ( cheers and applause ) and here's the thing, florida can't afford to be stressing its voters out with weird multiple choice exams on the ballot because you guys have major decisions to make. there's a big governor race, senate race and bigger than both
is amendment number four. >> voters will soon decide will felons should automatically have their voting rights restored in florida. it's amendment 4, it's on the november ballot. >> trevor: that's huge. if this amendment passes over 1.4 million ex felons who have served their time will regain their right to vote! ( cheers and applause ) that is huge! and you know, i'll be honest, what's really great to see is this is an issue that has bipartisan support. democrats like that it's criminal justice reform. republicans like it because it would like a lot of former trump officials vote again, and the truth is the system needs to be changed because the way it works now the absolutely crazy, right. if you're an ex-felon in florida who wants to vote, you have to wait seven years after your sentence is done and then apply to have your rights restored, then wait another ten years because to have the backlog. then, after all that, the governor gets to decide if you get to vote again.
and with florida's current governor, the computer says no. >> i deny restrictions of voting rights. there are no standards so we can make any decision we want. >> trevor: he denied people their rights so much he doesn't even pronounce the words anymore ( mumbling ) he sounds like the rollercoaster operators who just phone in the safety speech. ladies and gentlemen, arms, legs inside the car all the time enjoy the ride! did you say something about -- aaahhh! ( applause ) look, i'll be honest with you. i think if a person has served their time, they've served their time. they should immediately have the right to vote, they've served their time. ( cheers and applause ) you shouldn't keep getting
punished after you have been punished! imagine you wrote on the wall in crayon when you were three years old and then, when you were 30, your mom is still showing up to your office randomly to whip your ass. standing in the office, if we look at the revenue streams over here, what you're going to see in the third -- no! mommy, please! no, mommy! there's going to be four -- no, mommy, please, no! ( laughter ) doesn't make sense. some of the arguments is, well, the reason you need to strip people of their votes is to deter them from quit committing a crime. that's not a deterrent. it's not like anyone's ever been about to rob a liquor store and a little voice says, don't do it, man! think about the midterms! ( laughter ) we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: give it up for
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." this is our final night in miami! ( cheers and applause ) now, unfortunately -- unfortunately, florida is under siege, and, no, i'm not talking about from german tourists. something even worse than that. ronny chieng has more. >> florida is under attack by illegal immigrants, and unlike
mexicans, none of these are good people. in fact, they are fish. >> so this is a lion fish, an invasive species and decimating florida's reefs. >> the lion fish started when some idiot flushed his exotic aquarium fish into the ocean and they're multiplying out of control. they may look beautiful but they're deadly. >> all these top dorsal fins will sting you. this will sting you. >> looks like the dragon from -- what's that show on hbo? >> "insecure." conservation's cortland hunt is on a mission to save florida's reefs. >> people don't realize the economic impact of our reefs is in the billions of dollars a year. >> trevor: people in the fishing and diving industries know lion fish can devastate florida's fisheries because they prey on 80% of the reef destroying the food chain. it's like halfway through finding nemo everybody died. but cortland has a solution. >> we've developed a device to kill the lion fish.
>> what is the device. >> we've modified a flock handgun to shoot the fish under water. you think this is a joke. but it's real. >> what? >> can't catch them any other way. you've got to shoot them. >> what could be more florida than standing your ground for mother nature. >> do you want to hold it? >> no, i don't want my fingerprints on that. >> cortland stands behind his science. >> these are muzzle breaks that go on the end of the gun. >> making it bigger? >> bigger is better, we've found. >> not always. depends on how you use it. >> almost always. >> not in every situation. then he tack me to an olympic size shooting range to demonstrate what he does and, guess what? it's stupid. what do you say to critics who might say you are, i don't know, an idiot, a redneck, a dumbass who's just shooting up the oceans and you're a psychopath? you know, criticisms like that?
>> there's a war going on on our reefs in florida. >> what are you talking about? this sounds like something you do if you're just (~bleep ) around. this redneck thinks he'll save in environment with a gun? next? ill litter rasey? someone must have a better solution. >> we are building a robot that hunts invasive lion fish. >> that's what i'm talking about. something about this guy. i don't know what it is, but i like him. he's founded a startup dedicated to building a lion fish terminator. kind of. is this a killer robot? >> a work in brog. >> looks like a trash can with bombs. but better than a gun. >> identifies a lion fish, shocks it and will suck it into a containment unit. >> but there was something weird about it. >> if you suck them with the wind driven propeller it will push them away but if you stun
them -- >> dude, i think you invented a fish sex robot. >> no, i don't think so. >> yes, and i know sex robots. i thought this was an annomicly correct ar r2d2. you can't do that without chenging with the animal police. >> the priority should be the animal doesn't suffer. >> what if peta stands on an underwater robot that electric cyst fish and success it into its body versus a suction vacuum fin and brings it up to the surface where it suffocates to death? just hypothetically speaking? >> that sounds very inhumane. >> wait, why? >> electric cuting any animal is extremely cruel. >> what about electric eels,
they can give it but not take snilt. >> i'm opposed to that. >> look, i know music sucks but just watch, please. >> the gun looks like it might be the least cruel method, but, like i said, i couldn't absolutely speak to that without more information. >> so you would need a lot more fish brutally murdered before you could tell whether or not this was cruel? >> i would just say it looks the fastest. >> so the stupidest solution sacksly the smartest solution? okay, so sorry i called you the stupidest person i've ever met. this is a florida-themed gift basket to make up for it. >> i actually have almost all this stuff but thank you. >> time to get down to the arduous task of conserving our fragile ecosystem. let's kill some fish! wow, "the daily show" finally found a problem that could be solved by a good guy with a gun.
>> and i was right there with him. i mean, not in the water with the poison fish. i'm not an idiot. oh, you came to the wrong fish, (~bleep ). where are you going? body bagging your whole team! for the earth. >> trevor: ronny chieng, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) keep it going for my good friend ronny chieng! ( cheers and applause )
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entrepreneur, three-time n.b.a. champion and 12-time all-star, now playing his 16th and final season for the miami heat. please welcome dwayne wade!! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ wwelcome. welcome. welcome. ( cheers and applause ) >> man! wow! i feel like we're at american airlines arena! >> trevor: yeah, man, look at this! >> man! >> trevor: this is all you. welcome. welcome to the show. thank you so much for making the time. i mean, like, everyone wants a piece of dwayne wade down in miami. we're so lucky to get you. let's just jump straight into what is a culmination of one of the most prolific sporting careers people have ever seen. this is your final season in the n.b.a. is it surreal for you, every game you play? >> it definitely is a little nerve racking, you know.
you look nervous because i don't know if i'll be great at anything else like i am basketball, right? i just decided after a long summer, you know, of really thinking about how i wanted to see my career end, getting opportunity last year to come back to miami, i just felt -- yeah. ( cheers and applause ) i felt the timing was perfect. >> trevor: you were somebody who has had the opportunity to engage in business opportunities beyond just basketball. you are a mogul now. i mean, you are involved in clothing. you're involved in your own shoe line. you have ties. you have socks. you have luggage. like, doesn't seem like you will be struggling to do anything when you leave the n.b.a. what do you enjoy about being in business? >> what i enjoy about it is, first of all, you know, just being a young kid from inner city chicago -- chi town, okay. ( cheering ) my dream was to play in the
n.b.a. and when i got here so many doors opened for me and i was able to step through the doors and learn things i never thought i had the passion for or the knowledge for. so i enjoy it. i enjoy being able to use my creativity, to have an amazing team behind me, to use their creativity, and my consumers, my supporters, give the fans, you know, something they love and enjoy as well. so that's what i'm trying to do. >> trevor: yeah, and you're doing ate thousand times over. you have the business, you have the basketball. when you look at that jowrn y, when you look at what you want to do now in both chicago and miami, you have a few initiatives that you're working on now. what is your dream? what are you trying to implement in the communities to try and help people? >> so when i was a little kid, you know, i just remember always saying to myself, the god blessed me with an opportunity to make it, right, to be able to give back to others, i want to do it in a big way. i want to be able to bless communities in
a way that's going to change their lives if i get that opportunity. once i got that opportunity, i wanted to live right and do what i said. in chicago first, from my mother's standpoint, i said, you know what, mom, here's you a church, you do your part with the church. i bought my mom a church early on so she could continue to save lives. >> trevor: you bought your mom a church? >> i bought my mom a church. that's a whole another story how we got to that point, but i ended up buying my mom a church and i said, you do your job to save lives. my mother is an amazing pastor in the city of chicago. my dad is into the community. my dad is amazing. that's where i got it from. i watched my dad for so many years give back to the community. he had me out there as a kid, even though we didn't have a lot of things, we had to give away to others. if i had two pair of shoes, i ended up only having one because i gave the other pair away. then in college, my coach said, dwayne, to who much is given,
much is required. and i didn't know what that meant at the time. as i got older, i know much is required of me. it's not only from my pockets, but to lend my voice, my face, to stand up on this platform and to support and talk about. so all those things. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: dwayne wade, everybody. we'll be right back. >> thank you. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ i'm a musician about to embark on a concert tour. it's your job to get don to all his tour dates on time. it's good money. we need it. in a divided nation... in the deep south, there's gonna be problems. get your hands off him. now! you never win with violence, tony. his music broke barriers. where did you learn how to play like that? my mother. as soon as i could walk. you're unbelievable. and inspired an unexpected friendship. what do we do about the bones? we do dis. [ laughing ]
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♪ my love has come along, applebee's new neighborhood pastas. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. applebee's new does this make youas. oh, how about this? ok, we'll stop. just kidding, we're not gonna stop. not sorry. reese's ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show! and can i just say, guys, this week has been such a blessing! thank you so much to the city city for hosting us! thank you to the fillmore miami
beach at jackie gleason theater for giving us this amazing venue! and thank you all for coming out, every single person, we love you, miami! hopefully we'll be back for the d.n.c. convention in 2020! the "today" show is back in new york. and we'll have a special show on tuesday. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> so you have to go out on november 6 or sooner. who voted? who voted? ( cheers and applause ) who voted? ( cheering ) then what the hell am i doing here tonight? goodbye! ( cheers and applause ) so the figures show improvement righand again...hael. i'll call back.