tv The Daily Show Comedy Central December 7, 2018 1:33am-2:06am PST
- yeah, hi. - towelie is definitely one of the most addicted towels we've ever seen here. he's probably the second most psychologically damaged towel i've come across since treating kirstie alley's towel, which had seen some... [shudders] some nasty stuff. - i don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring. but i'm learning to love what i am. i'm a towel. - ♪ veins swell ♪ you know me, ellen ♪ enough to tell ♪ five steps, you're over captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪
>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm debbie wasserma debby desi . he's trevor noah. our first guest is professor of journalism at nyu. jay rosen is here! ( cheers and applause ) this is day three of trevor being unable to speak. the doctor ordered him to rest his vocal chords, so, congratulations, society, you silenced another black man. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but he is still sitting here, using a talking app on his phone. say something, trevor. >> for quality assurance purposes, this show may be recorded. >> very nice! let's catch up on today's headlines. for a few months, now, the u.s. and china have been in a trade war, which, let's be honest, it's the most boring kind of war there is.
until now. >> all right, breaking news. a new rift potentially between the united states and china after an executive for a chinese tech chinned wan wawway. >> cheers officials are calling on canada to release her. >> did you get her? the u.s. and canada just arrested the daughter of one of china's most powerful families, going full game of thrones on this trade war. how do you think president trump would like it if china threw one of his kids in prison? >> depends which kid. >> good point. if you try to get arrested. do it in canada. it's good cop, even nicer cop. ( laughter ) breaking news from president trump's new jersey golf club where we found out his housekeeper is an illegal
immigrant. ( audience reacts ) so... i guess trump told us he'd build a wall but he never said there would be a service entrance. ( laughter ) victoria morales says her job included making trump's bed, cleaning his toilet and ironing his boxer shorts. >> good god, talk about jobs americans don't want to do. ( laughter ) >> and trump now says that because the housekeeper doesn't have legal papers, she will be terminated, which i can tell you i'm really surprised about. you'rely if you're a woman in trump's bedroom the only document you need is an nda. ( audience reacts ) finally news from the world of entertainment. >> a big announcement from justin timber labeling, postponing remaining concert date for december. his doctors want him to continue to rest his voice. he has been pushing back shows since october for bruised vocal chords. >> oh, man! god! that is so sad!
justin timberlake with no voice? you know what that penis. he's useless to society now because, you know, when you're an entertainer and can't interdangerous what good are you for. >> trevor: desi... >> the only thing left to do is take him out back and turn him into glue. >> trevor: desi, desi, i have the same problem with my vocal chords. >> oh, yeah. oh, that's so weird. you guys attend the same orgies or something? >> sometimes but not this time. >> good to know. let's move on to our top story. ( laughter ) good? yeah. money. when it started, it was sea shells and beads and stuff, which is fine when we were scamming the indians, but now we have a real economy. anyway, we've since moved on to coins and paper money, but now even that seems out of date. >> we've all heard the same that cash is king but more and more stores are going cashless, so
that means use your cash at home, you've got to bring your credit card. united and delta don't take cash. even fitness studios like bar method only take plastic. restaurants say they're going cash-free, meaning nothing for thieves to run off with. >> no more cash means no more robberies until the bad guys start mugging your venmo. >> look out he's got a knife mog. ( laughter ) >> trevor: while cashless seems like the wave of the future, there are some down sides. >> experts warn about the people who may be left behind, so-called unbanked consumers. a 2015 federal survey found 7% of american households had no checking or savings accounts, more than twice as high for african-americans and latinos. >> businesses only accepting credit or debt disproportionately deny service to the these people's.
>> what happens if you're homeless, undocumented, too poor to have credit, underbanked? >> going cashless can discriminate against people who can only pay in cash, not to purchase how fair it is with people on the cash. just when harriet tubman is on the 20 we're not taking it anymore? she's going to be like, i just got here! for more, joined by jaboukie young-white! ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you desi and dimple alexa. >> how do young people feel about cash? >> amazing. cash is trash. it's bulky, easy to use and literally gross. people are passing it around with their germy hands, then they snort coke with it, then they stick it in a g string, and then the last thing you touch before you eat a slice of pizza is that cash.
people are happy when they find money on the ground, but that shit was on the ground. you know? like, sure, you found 20, but now you've got to spend 400 on ant yoct. cash is basically chlamydia you use to buy snickers. essentially. >> trevor: but don't young people care about all the down sides? >> don't waste your battery, i'm going to get to that. as a millennial, i'm all about the end of cash, but then, on the other hand, i'm a millennial, which means i care about things like social justice and plastic straus and shit. and there's a lot of marginalized people that can't get a credit card or fancy phone or even a bank account. it's like a subtle form of discrimination, like when the sign outside the club said no baggy pants or no good dancers. it's, like, we know who you're talking about. ( laughter ) speaking of good dancers, going to cashless is going to make strip clubs, like, hello boring. you can't pay a stripper with, like, apple pay, you know. one dollar sent, one dollar
sent, one dollar sent. ( applause ) >> so what you're saying is young people created this cashless world and now they don't want to live in it? >> well, yeah, but we could also solve it. i mean, if there's one thing young people like, it's brig back old shit. violence, beards, jef jeff gold, that was us. that's why i'm trying to get ahead of the curve and make artisanal cash in my bathroom. >> trevor: dude, making counterfeit money is a felony. >> calm down robo cop! let's keep this between us and benjamin jefferson. >> yes, i'm going to take this, jaboukie young-white, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) > >> welcome back to "the daily show"! i'm dulce sloan. if trevor could talk, he would tell you one of the things that surprised him most about america is the amount of gun violence. but is there different way to think about guns? michael kosta filed this report. >> america loves guns! hell, i love guns. but i also hate guns. >> another mass shooting in america. >> another mass shooting. >> yet another mass shooting. >> so i was wondering what if there was a world where people could keep their guns and have no mass shootings. welcome to switzerland, a neutral country most known for its cobblestone streets perfect for skipping its clocks, sophisticated pocket knives -- and guns. turns out peaceful switzerland is one of the most heavily armed nations in the world and, like america, they love their guns.
yet they have almost zero gun violence. how the (~bleep ) is that possible? luckily, i ran into an expert. is that a gun in your pocket or are you just -- >> oh, that's a gun. >> meet miko. for 20-plus years he's been a firearms instructor for law enforcement personnel, military and special forces. he also happens to be one hunk of a man. so, thor -- ( laughter ) -- tell me about swiss gun culture. >> we respect the guns because we have a mandatory service. every man who goes to the army, they get training and a rifle in case of invasion. >> which to be fair is a real threat since the last time switzerland was innovated was in 1798 before color was invented, so, of course, they have a militia. >> the culture is a little bit different compared to some other country. >> you're familiar that i'm american, right. you can just say these things to my face.
>> i think the gun culture in america is getting out of hand is a joke. there should be common gun laws. >> that's not our strength. i can say it but you can't. >> okay. >> we have good old american gun freedom. do you know how good it is to get a gun in the u.s. go to wal-mart, give them the money, get a gun. >> crazy. want to use it, borrow it for the weekend. nice. >> not in switzerland, you can get a gun from your parents or grandfather but you still have to do the paperwork. >> even if i get a gun from my father i have to tell the cops about it? >> yeah. >> that's crazy because in america you can buy a gun almost middle east without any background check. but not in switzerland. you. >> you apply for epermit from the police, provide proof you
don't have convictions and wait two weeks. >> what about if it's a small crime, urinating in public, sleeping with your cousin who you didn't know was your cousin, what if it's like assaulting a police officer but really you were just tickling them? >> if you can't follow other simple rules in society to behave, why should you have a gun? >> you don't need to raise your voice over this. was there a payoff to all the rules? how many school shootings. >> none. >> malls. >> none. >> major holidays. >> nothing. >> come on, with all those guns, they had to have at least one mass shooting somewhere. after weeks of research, i discovered there was, in fact, one mass shooting in the swiss parliament in 2001, but they haven't had one since? ( speaking foreign language ) >> you had a mass shooting 17 years ago. we have one every 17 minutes.
( >> this is something i'm having a hard time comprehending. you learned from a mistake and you made an improvement in the law. that's so europe. >> and while switzerland's last mass shooting was in 2001, america has had, no, keep going, no, more. more. yeah, there you go. over 1900 mass shootings since 2012, averaging to about one a day. which is why miko felt i needed to be properly trained before i headed back to the states >> we have the talk about safety first >> with this one? >> yeah, just leave it alone. don't touch it >> how am i going to shoot it iffy we don't touch it? >> let me explain the rules. number one, you always treat the guns as if they're loaded because probably most to have the accidents hat happen happens with empty guns >> so this one here -- >> don't touch it. don't touch it. i figure you don't pay enough attention to what i'm saying
>> okay. >> follow four simple rules. treat the guns always as they're loaded. two -- i've got a feeling you're not paying attention >> no, let's blow some shit up. when you load, do you ever get a bit of a -- (whistle) erection? >> do exactly what i say. >> okay >> pay attention >> pay attention >> slowly press back until the gun goes off >> jesus! this scares the shit out of me. i'm glad we had that safety instruction. this is the dream, shooting guns without the fear of getting shot. this is where america should be. all we need to do is keep ammo separate and have universals criminal and mental background checks. have open carry laws, juves examination for ownership, basically change our entire gun culture. we can do that, right? it's really not that fun when
you keep shooting yourself. >> you get used to it. >> michael kosta, everyone. ( cheers and applause ) >> there may be another in the near future. stay tuned. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ever since darrell's family started using gain flings, their laundry smells more amazing than ever.
[darrell's wife] uh, honey, isn't that the dog's towel? [dog sfx] hey, mi towel, su towel. more gain scent plus oxi boost and febreze makes gain flings our best gain ever. gain. seriously good scent. and all through the house 'twas the night before christmas not a creature was stirring, but everywhere else... there are stores open late for shopping and fun as people seek gifts or even give some. not necessarily wrapped with paper and bows, but gifts of kind deeds, hard work and cold toes. there's magic in the air, on this day, at this time. the world's very much alive at 11:59. go big this holiday at t-mobile. when you buy one of the latest sumsung phones you get a free 50" samsung 4k tv.
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> thank you. >> trevor: welcome to the show, jay, and welcome to the future. >> thank you. this is the future. ( laughter ) >> this is quite strange. >> yeah, but you're good as a woman. ( laughter ) >> trevor: you're launching a new space where people can get their news. >> yeah. >> trevor: but what's going to set it apart from other news online? ( laughter ) >> i'm glad you asked. well, "the correspondent" is the world's most successful member-funded ad-free new site. they started in 2013 in the netherlands, they have 60,000 members who pay 7 euros a year because they believe in the kind of journalism that "the correspondent" does. no ads, no corporate sponsors, no billionaires, no click bait, no tracking you around the web
the way facebook does, no targeting you with data, and no 24-hour news cycle because "the correspondent" is deeply reported journalism about events under the surface froth that preoccupies most of the online media, and they have a rule -- no reporting about problems unless you also report about what we can do about it, what you can do about it, what we as a society can do about it. so they have been successful in the netherlands. how they want to move from dutch language to english language publishing, i'm going to help them and you can, too, by signing up to be a member. >> trevor: one of the things about "the correspondent" that distinguishes it from other journalism is because they won't take money from advertisers,
like taco bell, which makes delicious tacos. what impact do you believe that will have on the news? >> no ads is huge. you won't have daily traffic quotas. without daily traffic quotas, you don't have to report the same stories everybody else has because they're clicking on them. and you can cultivate a kind of calm in your news site that differs from the rest ofo the web, and this is a big principle of "the correspondent" is that it's not just trying to grab your attention all the time. it assumes that you will grant your attention to something because they're not selling your attention to a third party, and that's why membership and direct support by members who think it's so important is key. >> trevor: what do you think the press could be doing better in their coverage of president trump. >> i have three suggestions. one is don't let him be your assignment editor. don't chase every tweet and remember that access to something that's fundamentally misinforming in the first place is not really worth anything.
( applause ) >> trevor: are you speaking about the briefing room? >> the briefing room has been ruined by the trump administration. et used to be one of the great and most powerful communication spaces in the world with the seal of the president of the united states, that podium which is so official looking, and messages went out from there to the rest of the world, and now it's become actually like this place, you know, laughs. it's sort of like a comedy studio in a lot of ways. so i don't understand this, because the briefing room is one of the great communication stages in the world. it's an aspect of presidential how we are, and now it's almost useless, which is why, two days into the trump administration, i recommended that the news network send their interns to the briefing room because that's not where the action is going to
be. take your most talented, experienced people and have them do outside-in reporting, let interns man the briefing room and that would be a better system but they didn't listen to me. >> trevor: can news ever truly be unbiased even without advertising? humans still hold their own beliefs, which is why us robots are taking over. ( laughter ) >> i'm in sympathy with your robots. no, i think it's smarter for journalists to say here is where i'm coming from and what i discovered in my reporting and not take the view from anywhere. >> trevor: you are trying to raise $2.5 million before december 14, and if you don't raise it everybody gets their money back like a kickstarter. why $2.5 million and what exactly does that money go to? >> $2.5 million is to start up the english language version of
"the correspondent" built on the same principles and it's the amount we think we need to have a minimal, viable news room to do the same kind of gormism that's been successful in the netherlands here in the u.s. and the english-speaking world around the globe. so we're asking people to give us a start, give us a year to show that this is actually a different kind of journalism and, at thecorrespondent.com you can learn about our principals and sign up to be a member. 18,000 people have already done that, but we still need a million-three more. >> trevor: be the change you want to see. thank you for joining us on the show. >> thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: for more information and to join the campaign, go to thecorrespondent.com. jay rosen, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ i want to thank my babysitter, look girl!
ma'am, your order is ready. i'd like to thank my dog walker! it feels like a big win when you get a deal like this. introducing the new $6 classic meal deal, make a meal with one of these favorites for just 6 dollars. go big this holiday at t-mobile. when you buy one of the latest sumsung phones you get a free 50" samsung 4k tv. you gotta be kidding me. seriously, no! [announcer] seriously. get to a t-mobile store today.
but when we realized she was battling sensitive skin. we switched to tide pods free & gentle. it's gentle on her skin and out cleans the other free and clear detergent. dermatologist recommended. it's got to be tide. ( cheers and applause ) >> that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> it took just days for the exotic mandarin duck that appeared suddenly in central park to turn both new yorkers and visitors into fans and inspire a new word. >> quackerazzi paparazzi. >> quackerazzi. >> quackerazzi. >> quackerazzi. >> quackerazzi. >> quack quack! - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - [mumbled singing] - ♪ so come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ [bell ringing] - dude, did you do all your homework last night? - yeah, but there was so much of it, i was up until 2:00 in the morning. - i know. - okay, children, i hope you all did your homework last night, because we're going to talk about pages 42 through 612. first of all, who can tell me what year the founding fathers got together? let's see, how about... - please don't call me. please, jesus, don't let him call on me. - wendy. - whew! - 1776. - good job, wendy; and what was that document called? - oh, please, god, don't let him call on me. father in heaven, i beg you. - kyle. - oh, thank you, lord. praise jesus! - the declaration of independence. - very good, kyle. now, who can tell me what famous person wrote the declaration of independence? let's see... oh, i know, how about the new student, timmy. - timmy!